california_yay Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) I'm nearing 30 (female) and my brother is 28. He has 5 kids, has a very scandalous wife (pulls insurance schemes, steals, participates in identity theft- along with her mom, doesn't clean up at home, doesn't care for her kids, etc) and is just a big spoiled brat. He didn't have a tough childhood, he had it much easier than me. While I was nearing graduation from HS, I was getting called a loser, stupid, and an idiot by my father...while he didn't even go past his sophomore year, had a pregnant girlfriend by 16, and received a car for all of this, all paid for by my parents. My bro can't handle conflict. It doesn't matter if he starts it or is just a party involved in it, he can't handle it. He'll pace, walking around with clenched fists and teeth, eyes watering, seething. He borders on violent. When we were teenagers, he once pulled a knife on me and when I called my mom at work, she said "well what did you say to him?" He's never seen a counselor for these issues. 10 years ago, he use to threaten to kill himself. Didn't matter what the argument was about, he was gonna kill himself. During the arguments, if I spoke, I was told to "shut up and go to your room." As I got older, maybe around 20, I started to speak up even though I was told to shut up. On one occasion, my father turned to me and said "you're going to make him kill himself, how would you live with yourself." I've been cussed out by my brother on occasions, and no one has said a thing. My father was in the room one time, and I said "you're going to let him talk to me that way?" and my dad said was "don't cuss in my house" but he continued to do so. After 10 years of being told to "shut up and go away", I'm very resentful. I will speak up, even though my parents grit their teeth and tell me they will call the cops on ME. 10 years ago, he would threaten to kill himself. 5 years ago, it was "I'm going to move and take the kids away and you'll never see them again" and last week (he lives with my parents and we were all at my parents), he started an argument and some drama and ran to his room with his wife and 5 kids. When I knocked on the door and told him to come out, he looks at my mom with his clenched fists, grit teeth, eyes watering, and puts his finger in my face and tells my mom "get her the f-ck out of my face." He then proceeded to not budge from his room, leaving the door open for the kids to see. This all began when he was gossiping to my mom, telling her things that aren't true and then started to yell at her and then ran back to his room and refused to budge. He said that we were abusing the kids. When I said all he had to do was come out and close the door and address what he started, he refused. My mom started yelling at everyone, saying to wait for my dad to show up to handle it. My dad has ALWAYS handled this the same way: he shows up, takes my bro outside, jokes around with him and calms him down, pats him on the shoulder and offers to take him out to dinner or go get some beers together. It never gets resolved, he never apologizes. This has gone on since my bro's behavior began. My bro hates my mom and blames her for everything. I don't understand why, if anyone was tough, it was my father. I believe that my fathers response to all of these issues reinforced my bro's hatred for my mom. My dad would take him outside, talk about some things and that was it. My bro never apologized for his behavior towards my mom. On a few occasions, my mom was scared of my bro and locked herself in her bedroom with his oldest child. Last week, he made a move towards me like he was gonna hit me or something but my husband was there and stepped in between. In the end, it turns out that he was pissed that he was going to split the utility bills with my parents, and then threw me in the mix, saying that I said things (gossip) that I hadn't. My mom saw me and instantly accused me of it and said she was tired of the drama. What?!? I haven't talked to my bro in a week and a half, and I get this crap? So I knocked on the door to speak to him. That's when he freaked. My bro, and my mom and I ended up speaking for less than a minute because he freaked out again. I got blamed for starting gossip (what?!?!?!) but this isn't the first time, or the last, that I've literally done NOTHING and been blamed for it. The conversation went right to me. Didn't involve him or why he was mad, or how he reacted, it just went to me. Again, my mom waited for my dad to get home and I never heard anything about it. I have stopped talking to my parents before. I was younger, prob around 22 or 23. When things like this happened before, I always questioned my self worth (why do things happen to me, why am I always thrown under the bus, am I not worth being loved) and it would make me upset that I would just cry and my husband- then boyfriend- had to console me. Now, almost 30, I don't feel like that. I know I'm a good person that would do anything for my family and I don't deserve to be treated this way. I think there are a lot of boundary issues going on here and I know that if I want to change the relationship with my family, that has to begin with me...but right now, it's too raw and I'm still angry about the cycle that goes on. I don't feel like it is healthy to engage with them for a while, and I would like to maintain a distance. My question is, has anyone else gone through this? Feel like the black sheep of the family when you are really not? I understand my parents bend over backwards for my brother, since they know how he'll react, and they know they will jeopardize their chances of seeing their grandkids (since he's threatened to take them away and move out of town) but I don't want to be handcuffed to a life like that, and I don't want to be the scapegoat and thrown under the bus, just so they can ensure themselves they'll continue to see the kids. I'm just frustrated and don't want to keep putting myself in the position of having to endure the cycle again. Edited May 8, 2011 by california_yay
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