SpiralOut Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 We broke up about 3 months ago. I am not over it mostly because I don't think about it. I keep finding out about things he lied to me about. And now that I think about it, I don't think he ever loved me. He told me he did but his actions said otherwise. I don't think he lied about loving me. He just thought that he did because he has no understanding of what love actually IS. I wish I could look back and have good memories and feel that I had a great relationship that just didn't last. But the entire past year of the relationship consisted of endless fights and disrespect and bad behaviour and lies. It makes me feel like I wasted my time. I don't even know who he really is. How much of what he told me was true? He is not who I think he is. How do I get over the fact that I wasted so much of my time on someone who treated me like crap? And what is wrong with me that I actually chose to put up with it for so long? I am not even mourning him. I am mourning the amount of time that I could have spent on someone else. I lived with him for just over a year (together for a total of 2 years) and I still don't know how it feels to have a REAL relationship with someone I REALLY love. I also feel like crap for being "one of those women" that can't walk away from a bad relationship. I feel a loss of respect for myself for not walking away when I should have. I wish I could say that at least I had a good time while it lasted. But all I have is a bunch of hard lessons.
Jono85 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 i think you probably are a MUCH wiser woman, who has a much better understanding of yourself, your needs, your tolerances, red-flags with future partners, etc etc. it was not a waste at all. just from your post here it proves you've become a much better person with a MUCH greater understanding of who you are, and what you want. if i could count how many lessons i've learned in life the hard way, sometimes the same lesson many times over, i'd be on here for weeks. it's the best way to learn imo. you've already grown from it, now you have nothing but opportunity to use that new found knowledge to find a happier, healthier relationship. btw i can totally relate, only i found out my lies to force the end of our relationship. i'm 25, and that girl was the only girl i've exchanged those 3 words with, ever. to find out that for the last couple months of our relationship, she was looking into my eyes, and lying to me face...after i truly thought she valued honesty more than any girl i'd ever met, it's messed up. i questioned her a few times about her ex, who seemed to be working his way back into the picture suddenly (re-added her to facebook, then flirtatious comments on facebook, etc). and for months she was lying to me, assuring me whatever i saw on there was the extent of their "relationship". until i found a letter from him, pleading for her back, and basically catching her in a LOT of lies as they were indeed hanging out and discussing their relationship/future. very devestating/shocking. was totally blindsided. we broke up b/c she finally admitted to being confused after i told her what i saw. yet of course she strung me along for another month or so, until i guess she made her decision, and it wasn't me. looking back on it i'm appauled i even let her string me along after i found the letter confirming the lies. i was weak. also the letter only admitted to them discussing the possibility, and him wanting it, and not really anything from her, so i guess i still held out hope. ah well. sorry i vented there for a bit. bottom line is we're both stronger, wiser, more well rounded ppl because of our experiences. there were certainly red flags in my relationship that i ignored while "in it" that i now see clearly afterwards, and i'll most certainly be MUCH more in-tune and aware in the future. the pain i went through will make sure of that!
Amnell Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I feel bad about staying in my last relationship, too. In my case we did not fight much. What I am most angry about is the time spent building love and trust that he chose to throw away. It really gets to me sometimes! I advise you to embrace and channel these feelings outside of yourself. Don't blame yourself for not leaving him - blame him for his lies and foolishness! If he didn't know what love was he should have had the sense to act like it. I like to exercise or play fight in times like these. Letting out a couple of punches can make an intangible enemy seem much more manageable. Oh, and the more time you spend beating yourself over being in the relationship the more time you are losing, so the best choice is to stop thinking about all of that immediately. Devote your thoughts to things that build your happiness. I am amazed by how much you have learned. Keep fighting!
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