Elisa89 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I have recently posted about this guy I had been dating for about a month and who is fresh out of a four-year relationship. Point is, I really like him a lot and I do not want to loose him. We have been talking quite a lot about how things between us could proceed in the last couple of days. He says he needs some time to sort things out between him and his ex. They are still talking quite a lot on the phone about the break-up and stuff. He says she's calling him every other day. They broke up at the beginning of march. I asked him why he didn't tell me before that they were still talking this much. And he said he didn't want me to think that he had any intentions to get back with her. We agreed that we should take things slow and go out as friends first. We set some kind of no cuddling/no kissing rule for the first dates. The only problem I see is that we've already been there. Kissing and cuddling was all part of the game before he told me about the ex. And sometimes I just feel like grabbing his hand when talking to him, so I have some doubts this will work out. This may sound like I'm crazy to even give this a try and sometimes I too think I am. But he's such a sweet guy, he makes time to see me even with his freaking busy schedule, he says he feels like things just click between us and that he would give anything if he could be free and ready to start a relationship without baggage with me now. I believe that he really wants to make this work for us. But sometimes I just get really angry with him, the situation is not easy for me, as I'm ready for a relationship and he's not. But he keeps making future plans for us, like me meeting his parents and getting to know the place he's from, going somewhere for a weekend trip in July. This freaks me out, as we don't even know if there's a future for us. When I read that I sometimes think, 'Elisa, run as fast as you can before it hurts even more' but something keeps me from doing it. Opinions?
TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Other people's opinions aren't going to matter. Intellectually, you're already aware that you're getting into a bad situation. Other people using rational analysis to come to the same conclusion isn't going to help if your behavior isn't affected by your own logical conclusion. What's going to happen instead is that you're going to give this guy a shot, and you're either going to get hurt and it's going to suck, you're not going to get hurt and it's going to be great, or you're not going to get hurt right away, but later things will suck. If I were in your shoes, and I was really into a girl who was regularly in contact with her ex, it would drive me nuts. However, I'd still go after her, because I am apparently a crazy person. Good luck.
Illiandra Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 wow im in the same situation as you haha! the guy im seeing told me he was just outta a relationship and that his things are still at "their" place however he is moving his stuff out in a few weeks and stays with a friend for time being. UGH frustrating, but approach with caution. The mind frame that i have is this... when i was newly single i was messed up inthe head, even tho if someone great came in ( which someone did) i kinda used them as a shoulder to lean on and forget the x? Im not saying hes gonna use u, or this guy will use me, however, dont get too conmfy too soon,,, any break up needs some time for healing, the healing wont occur if we are there to interfere with it? ugh i feel for you since i know what its like
Author Elisa89 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 If I were in your shoes, and I was really into a girl who was regularly in contact with her ex, it would drive me nuts. However, I'd still go after her, because I am apparently a crazy person. Good luck. Well, then, I'm a crazy person too.
Yookie Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 My opinion echos yours: "Elisa, run as fast as you can before it hurts even more" Nothing good will come from this when he still has one foot stuck back in the old relationship. Sounds like neither one of them are ready for it to be completely over which is why they are talking regularly. Even if it was legitimately over, both will need time to heal before trying to start in a new relationship.
lovingADove Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Elisa, Don't ever EVER make anyone your priority, when to him, you are just an option ... Remember this saying above ...
Author Elisa89 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Elisa, Don't ever EVER make anyone your priority, when to him, you are just an option ... Remember this saying above ... I try to not make him a priority. But I still want to be with him, spend time with him etc. We won't be seeing each other more than once or twice a week. I won't cancel other plans for him, I'll still go to my dancing class, stick to my girls' night out, put studying first. But when I get a chance I'll meet him, talk to him and see where this takes us. And I'll be hoping it turns into something good.
lovingADove Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 So, you trying to do all these things ... instead of finding someone who will put you first? You are setting yourself up for major disappointment ... The earlier you move on, the better ... He has other priorities
Author Elisa89 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 So, you trying to do all these things ... instead of finding someone who will put you first? You are setting yourself up for major disappointment ... The earlier you move on, the better ... He has other priorities It sounds so easy... I do have options myself, that certainly isn't my problem. There even is a guy around who would do literally everything for me, I would be the very first thing on his priority list, but I do NOT want him. I can turn it, twist it, but at the moment I'm just attracted to the other guy. The other guy and me, you know, it just clicks. We don't even have too many interests in common, he's into outdoor sports(climbing and stuff), I'm into ballet/modern dance. But we can talk for hours straight. He keeps a list of things we could do together. I would say we are just compatible, but the situations in our respective lives right now aren't. And it sucks, I can tell you that... I wish I could just tell him goodbye and never see him again, but it's not that easy, I'm already in it way too deep..
green_tea Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I don't understand the need for these rules?? Is it because he's not ready? If so then he's not ready to be dating at all.
Author Elisa89 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 I don't understand the need for these rules?? Is it because he's not ready? If so then he's not ready to be dating at all. Yeah, I know, the rules sound stupid... Of course, he is not 100% ready for a new relationship yet, but I would be willing to give him the benefit of a doubt here, since he's really willing to work on his/their issues. The rules are more because his ex is causing some trouble, she got my phone number through mutual friends and now is blowing up my phone whenever she can't reach him and thinks he could be with me. She never talks to me though, she always hangs up. He told her to stop but she doesn't. Part of this of course is his fault, because he doesn't want her to feel sad, so he talks to her when she wants to and he has time. It's only making things worse for everyone involved. I don't know if he's even aware of that, maybe I should tell him.
FCCruiser Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hey Elisa im telling you right now to Run as fast as you can your are definitely gonna end up getting hurt. I just recently got out of a situation like this with a girl and I ended up being the hurt one and it sucks!!! I pursued a girl that jus got out of a 2 year relationship. And I was ready for it but even though it seemed like she was, she wasn't really.. when a person gets out of relationship with someone of a couple years... they usually never want to jump back into onel they wanna be free for awhile until they are fully healed and ready to accept love again. I fell in love deeply with this girl and she led me on for 6 months. Then one day she jus decided that she wants to be single for awhile cuz she has not gotten over her ex. I never did anything wrong to this girl I was the gentleman and she knew it but she just wasn't ready to accept love from me.. I had to let her go and it hurt like hell!!! Its been 3months.. goodluck
green_tea Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Yeah, I know, the rules sound stupid... Of course, he is not 100% ready for a new relationship yet, but I would be willing to give him the benefit of a doubt here, since he's really willing to work on his/their issues. The rules are more because his ex is causing some trouble, she got my phone number through mutual friends and now is blowing up my phone whenever she can't reach him and thinks he could be with me. She never talks to me though, she always hangs up. He told her to stop but she doesn't. Part of this of course is his fault, because he doesn't want her to feel sad, so he talks to her when she wants to and he has time. It's only making things worse for everyone involved. I don't know if he's even aware of that, maybe I should tell him. I still don't understand why you're not allowed to have physical contact because of his ex. Did she end it or him? She sounds like a psycho. I definitely think you should talk to him about the situation. Either he is too nice to tell his ex to move on because he feel sorry for her, or he still has feelings for her
Author Elisa89 Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 I still don't understand why you're not allowed to have physical contact because of his ex. Did she end it or him? She sounds like a psycho. I definitely think you should talk to him about the situation. Either he is too nice to tell his ex to move on because he feel sorry for her, or he still has feelings for her He says that the break-up was a mutual decision but that it affected her way more than him. He also says that he stills cares about her, how she feels etc. After all they have been together for 4 years and she was his first girlfriend. He says he has difficulty handling the break-up since he's never been in such a situation before. So I guess, he still has some sort of feelings for her but these feelings are not in a romantic way anymore. So he wants them to be friends, which in my opinion(though I don't know her) she seems not ready for right now. I sometimes think I should talk to him about this, since the situation affects me too. But then I think it's his business and I have no right to interfere there...
Author Elisa89 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 So after not talking to him a couple of days. He texted my on saturday that he had a great week and experienced some great stuff and that he'd really like to share it with me. So he asked if we could meet up during the week. I replied on Sunday morning because I didn't see his message earlier, that I would be able to make it on Tuesday afternoon. Since then I haven't heard from him, which is really unusual for him. Should I contact him again or just leave it at that and wait?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Reading this thread, all I could think about is the emotional train wreck waiting to happen. You could just be a rebound no matter how much chemistry you think the two of you have. Especially for a guy fresh out of a 4 year relationship ( still in contact with his ex?!!) you're giving him the undivided attention outside of the emotional attention he once had with his ex. Cut your loss, or at least date other people until he's emotionally available. I know guys who doesn't need to dangle two girls at once especially not an ex because these are the guys actually looking for " serious" relationship as oppose to casual fun.
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