lizwashere Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 "OP, to answer your question, no it's not a turnoff to live at home at 30. Especially in this economy. But it IS a turnoff to play like a 9 year old who begs his mommy for treats. Do your own laundry, do your own dishes, bring in an income, and no woman will treat you like you're a child when you're living under your parents roof." I don't beg my mommy for treats. I work and have a job and help out and pay my rent(although it's not as much as 900 ) and i do my laundry and dishses. But my parents do snoop in my room even if i tell them not too. They don't let me go out at night even if it's just 7pm. And then they have all these plans about where i'm gonna live and taking care of their properties even though i tell them i won't do it. And if i tell them i'm moving out, they just laugh and ridicule me and get mad. I'm quiet and slow so i don't act like a mature 30 year old business man though. It's not in me. i struggle with language and speaking. I have talked with various girls but they do accept me(one even wants to be my GF even though she knows i live with my parents and i'm kind of childish). But they are from other countries. But from the looks of it and from what you guys have commented so far, it really doesn't seem like American girls would accept me. Bummer well, so you say MOVE OUT.. But my parents get angry and it would start a huge family feud if i did. My parents are not accepting at all. You are getting interest from non-American women because they are looking for green cards and for the ability to send US money to their relatives. Sorry, but that's the painful truth. Regardless of the current economic downturn, this country still offers tons of opportunities and the kind of freedom many women in other countries simply don't enjoy. So it doesn't surprise one bit that they would see you as a much better option then their current situation in some third world hell hole. Part of being an adult is making difficult decisions regardless of whether or not your parents approve and if you are financially capable of paying your own rent and having your own place it will greatly improve your chances of having a fulfilling social life.
Stung Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Yeah, I was being sarcastic. Thanks for catching it. My point was that, if a MAN says it, he's a misogynist. If a WOMAN says it, she's just protecting the sisterhood. And the OP doesn't need to become a bad boy in order to get a woman. He just needs 1 woman, who is a little bit different, who will fall in love with him for who he is. And when there is attraction on both sides. I think that's another thing that liz didn't get. She seems to think that he has to settle for someone he's not attracted to, simply because he lives at home and has some mental problems. I'd hate to see her try to raise an autistic or down syndrome child. You are reading all kinds of things that simply aren't there, and then responding to them angrily. It's very interesting to watch, actually, but you might want to read the thread again, particularly Liz's responses since she seems to be a real focus for you here. For the record, you almost certainly wouldn't be called a misogynist for saying that most really good looking women aren't going to be interested in 30 year old men with mental problems who live with their parents and self-describe their situation as "being controlled like a baby." That's just not a situation that's going to attract women unless they have issues of their own, and it's not something that reflects badly on women in general. As Liz also pointed out, this would absolutely hold true if the genders were reversed: no mentally and emotionally healthy attractive man is out there looking for a woman in the OP's exact position. Simple fact. The only time I recall you being called misogynistic was when you said all women were players because they had vaginas, and that all women should be going out of their way to show you compassion and if they didn't it was because they all had their heads up their asses. Do you see the difference there? The OP doesn't have to look for a warty troll to call his own, but if he wants to find companionship and fulfillment, he might want to revise his expectations. I, too, recall him explicitly saying he was only looking for hot girls and they all somehow seemed to have boyfriends. Back in reality, he might want to start looking for friendship, and acceptance, and someone who also has met a few bumps in her road and understands where he is coming from and can help him and would like his help in return. If that happens to come in an attractive package, lucky him, but his search criteria is off and continually focusing on the elusive 'hot girl' is not likely to bring this fellow much happiness.
Stung Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 "OP, to answer your question, no it's not a turnoff to live at home at 30. Especially in this economy. But it IS a turnoff to play like a 9 year old who begs his mommy for treats. Do your own laundry, do your own dishes, bring in an income, and no woman will treat you like you're a child when you're living under your parents roof." I don't beg my mommy for treats. I work and have a job and help out and pay my rent(although it's not as much as 900 ) and i do my laundry and dishses. But my parents do snoop in my room even if i tell them not too. They don't let me go out at night even if it's just 7pm. And then they have all these plans about where i'm gonna live and taking care of their properties even though i tell them i won't do it. And if i tell them i'm moving out, they just laugh and ridicule me and get mad. I'm quiet and slow so i don't act like a mature 30 year old business man though. It's not in me. i struggle with language and speaking. I have talked with various girls but they do accept me(one even wants to be my GF even though she knows i live with my parents and i'm kind of childish). But they are from other countries. But from the looks of it and from what you guys have commented so far, it really doesn't seem like American girls would accept me. Bummer well, so you say MOVE OUT.. But my parents get angry and it would start a huge family feud if i did. My parents are not accepting at all. What's wrong with the girl who wants to be your GF? Why does it matter what country she comes from? There are great women and not-so-great women from every country in the world. Unless--are you worried that she is only interested in a Green card? I suppose that could be a consideration, if you're not sure of her legal status--but maybe you should get to know this girl better. Anyway, I agree that you should move out, just for yourself. You are a grown man, and you seem to be chafing under your parents control. Does your job pay enough that you can afford a reasonable rent? You say you have some learning disabilities or issues of some kind, but are they severe enough to keep you from living an independent life? There are many social services that can help you transition into living on your own, if you need that kind of help. You might qualify for some free assistance. Do you have the resources to find out about those kinds of services? Also, maybe you can come up with a compromise that your parents feel comfortable with. Maybe it would be possible to find an apartment very nearby, and agree to have dinner with them twice a week, for starters, or at least call them every other day or something, until they can accept that you are doing okay on your own. In the long run, they might feel better, knowing that you are becoming a man with a life of his own, and that you will be okay after they are gone.
Richard Friedman Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Stop giving false hope people. In this country living at home, regardless of the circumstance, is a pretty big handicap.
salty goodness Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I've been lurking here for some time and finally decided to make a comment. I have a dear cousin who is in her forties and is mildly retarted. She lives with her elderly parents and has not held a job in a long time. She is very high functioning yet can't live on her own although at one point she wanted to. QG might be in the same position where he believes he can live independently, but in reality he doesn't have the emotional maturity to make it on his own. We only has his viewpoint, there might be a legitimate reason why his parents are so overprotective we simply don't have all the facts. In the end it's all a lot of guess work on our part. Just my two cents.
krz12 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Yet I have seen this biological imperative fail thousands of times as women go after men who definitely can't be classic providers or don't want to be. Well, you can either bet on the odds, or bet against the odds. Your choice.
salty goodness Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 It is doubtful his parents' have such emotional maturity to take care of a thirty year old son if they were willing to laugh in his face at the mere suggestion of him moving out. Yeah but we are only getting his side of the story maybe his parents are being jerks to him and maybe his parents know better. i've read some of the posters other comments and he appears to have a one track mind about things and seems to have a difficult time understanding that his present situation is limiting on so many levels. Again i go back to my experiences with my cousin who displayed similar tendencies as the op.
Stung Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Yeah but we are only getting his side of the story maybe his parents are being jerks to him and maybe his parents know better. i've read some of the posters other comments and he appears to have a one track mind about things and seems to have a difficult time understanding that his present situation is limiting on so many levels. Again i go back to my experiences with my cousin who displayed similar tendencies as the op. I actually agree with this, which is part of the reason why I was asking if he could get in touch with/find out more about social services in his area. I probably should have been clearer. On this end, it's really hard for us to know the reality of the OP's situation, but hopefully trained social workers would be able to evaluate what kind of independence OP is ready for, and whether his family life is holding him back or boosting him up. Even if his problems are far more severe than he presents them on this board, there might be a kind of 'halfway house' situation that would work for him. A lot of adults with mental or emotional difficulties find that semi-assisted group living with their peers, while holding an outside job, is healthier for them socially and developmentally, than living with family they don't feel understood by. Sometimes they even find love there.
salty goodness Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I actually agree with this, which is part of the reason why I was asking if he could get in touch with/find out more about social services in his area. I probably should have been clearer. On this end, it's really hard for us to know the reality of the OP's situation, but hopefully trained social workers would be able to evaluate what kind of independence OP is ready for, and whether his family life is holding him back or boosting him up. Even if his problems are far more severe than he presents them on this board, there might be a kind of 'halfway house' situation that would work for him. A lot of adults with mental or emotional difficulties find that semi-assisted group living with their peers, while holding an outside job, is healthier for them socially and developmentally, than living with family they don't feel understood by. Sometimes they even find love there. Very thoughtful and constructive post, there are so many options out there for the op; i hope there comes a point where he shifts gears and starts working on himself rather than thinking so much about a particular type of women he seems fixated on. again, just going by his remarks he seems to think that finding this perfect woman will magically fix all his personal problems and that is not the case.
Sabali Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You'll need to google me on the Astral Internet for that. Anyone who has visited the astral plane will tell you that the damn power has been out for ages. So no power means no internet. Come on, sweetness, help me to find you before it's too late..mom has only a couple of matches left.
Sanman Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) "OP, to answer your question, no it's not a turnoff to live at home at 30. Especially in this economy. But it IS a turnoff to play like a 9 year old who begs his mommy for treats. Do your own laundry, do your own dishes, bring in an income, and no woman will treat you like you're a child when you're living under your parents roof." I don't beg my mommy for treats. I work and have a job and help out and pay my rent(although it's not as much as 900 ) and i do my laundry and dishses. But my parents do snoop in my room even if i tell them not too. They don't let me go out at night even if it's just 7pm. And then they have all these plans about where i'm gonna live and taking care of their properties even though i tell them i won't do it. And if i tell them i'm moving out, they just laugh and ridicule me and get mad. I'm quiet and slow so i don't act like a mature 30 year old business man though. It's not in me. i struggle with language and speaking. I have talked with various girls but they do accept me(one even wants to be my GF even though she knows i live with my parents and i'm kind of childish). But they are from other countries. But from the looks of it and from what you guys have commented so far, it really doesn't seem like American girls would accept me. Bummer well, so you say MOVE OUT.. But my parents get angry and it would start a huge family feud if i did. My parents are not accepting at all. I'm surprised that no one caught that statement. That is a much larger issue than living at home. Look OP, the truth is simply that very VERY few women are looking for a man at your age who is still living at home. I, personally, know a number of people living at home in this economy (mostly early to late 20's). However, most of those guys are in grad school or attempting to save up to buy a house. Rent in NYC is ridiculous if you are trying to save. However, these guys all have legit reasons and most have lived on their own before. My general rule of thumb is that you are only likely to find women to date you who are in a similar situation or worse. Thus, if you meet a woman your age also living with her parents who cannot go out after 7pm, go for it. If you aren't allowed out after 7pm, how far could a relationship possibly go? What happens after a month or so when she wants you to spend the night? Or go away for the weekend? Also OP, are you able to drive and get around on your own? Edited May 8, 2011 by Sanman
sanskrit Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 The stigma against living at home until one had their own marriage and family that formed in this country (and very few others interestingly) is just another form of consumption culture brainwashing that has been commingled with the ever-lengthening list of female criteria in selecting men. Everyone go buy a house! Everyone go fill that house with stuff! Everyone go buy more stuff to repair the house and all the other stuff! And make sure your house and stuff is grander than the next guy's (or more accurately the next gal's)! Use lots of debt to do this! If you don't do the above, you are a LOSER! Women are more susceptible to marketing messages than men, add this to the "nesting instinct" then just do the math as to why OP's chances are slim and none. The key OP is to buy a house, rent it out and remain at home. A few years later, buy another house, rent it out, and remain at home. Rinse repeat. Then on first dates when they ask what you do, "well in addition to my day to day job, I own a portfolio of rental properties," and watch the dollar signs in their eyes as the "living at home" stigma flies right out the window. I wish someone had given me the above advice when I was early 20s and dead set on getting out on my own.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 The stigma against living at home until one had their own marriage and family that formed in this country (and very few others interestingly) is just another form of consumption culture brainwashing that has been commingled with the ever-lengthening list of female criteria in selecting men. I agree with you that the consumer culture is a disaster, but for me, that's not what it's about. I moved out and began supporting myself as soon as I graduated high school. I lived in some crappy little places so I could afford to put myself through college, and am now running my own successful and profitable business that I've built on a shoestring budget and years of hard work. I have been independent and in charge of my own life for a long time. I'm not attracted to or interested in men who are not on my level in terms of being responsible, self-sufficient adults. I want an equal partner, not a child.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You're absolutely right, it's a stigmata that's cultural brainwashing. Same as women react to older male virginity. Yes, some women will disqualify you for this. They disqualified themselves, because they didn't want the real YOU, the person you are inside. You are not ready to leave home. You have difficulties, yes, but they are manageable difficulties. You need a good therapist, and a good counselor, in order to get over this. Bottom line, you need a life coach (this can be a friend, family member, or someone you hire), but you need someone to help you over the slump. The advise that Stung has given is really good advice. Very good advice. I'd highly recommend the OP contacting social services, and getting an appointment and trying that out. They can pay for housing, at least partially, and you can get disability (if you are borderline retarded.) That can help fund you for an apartment, or for living on your own. Your parents don't seem very helpful. Instead of trying their best to sort out your issues, they control you, and stop you from achieving the things that you want. Your situation is as far removed from mine. I am 28 and live at home, and don't work, but I am a college student taking care of a family member, and I have battled social anxiety for 7+ years. This has lead to me not getting out there, but I am discovering my SA disappear, and I'm...working on it. Someone who would take a look at my situation would say, "Oh, you're taking care of your grandma, and you're working on a degree...you're fine." They would take a look at you, on the other hand, with a job, with the ability to care for yourself, and also the disability services at your disposal, and would say, "Why are you living at home?" You don't have social anxiety, so you can live with people. You have a job, so you can afford to move out. You have youth on your side (30 isn't old). You have at least 10-15 more years before you have to really worry...dude, you're fine. I can see Liz's point now, because she's right; someone in your position, who has all these services and life chances at your disposal, and who's ruminating in your parent's basement, and isn't taking care of a sick relative....well, that kind of person won't get someone who's hot, unless she's also got a long list of issues. But I think Liz's PoV is sort of black and white, that uglier people have more problems, and hot people have no problems. Everyone has problems, even the hot girls, and if you want someone who's hot, you might find someone who also is facing the same issues you are, and is wondering where her Prince Charming is.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 To the OP. The people who said you are a looser for living at home... pay them no heed. I live at home. My parents can't handle their own affairs and my little sister is developmentally disabled. I keep things going here. Each can take care of themself a bit but without me the house would have been taken for non-payment of real estate taxes, and would have literally blown up due to a gas leak. Given that and that I love my family and family is family no matter what my relationship status is anyone who will not take me because of my family can go _uck themselves. You live with your family and have good reasons. Like it was said earlier. The right woman will not care about you living with your folks. Being controlled like a puppy is another thing.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 To the OP. The people who said you are a looser for living at home... pay them no heed. I live at home. My parents can't handle their own affairs and my little sister is developmentally disabled. I keep things going here. Each can take care of themself a bit but without me the house would have been taken for non-payment of real estate taxes, and would have literally blown up due to a gas leak. Given that and that I love my family and family is family no matter what my relationship status is anyone who will not take me because of my family can go _uck themselves. You live with your family and have good reasons. Like it was said earlier. The right woman will not care about you living with your folks. Being controlled like a puppy is another thing. Good point. Living at home is not such a handicap.
Disillusioned Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 OTOH when one or both parents die and leave you alone and in charge of the place (even if the mortgage is already paid), women will STILL avoid you, because they'll imagine you chopping fire logs in your yard and think you're some kind of Grizzly Adams nutcase. At least, that's how women think of me since I got the house all to myself... so you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Everything seems to work that way when dealing with women.
westernxer Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) To the OP. The people who said you are a looser for living at home... pay them no heed. I live at home. My parents can't handle their own affairs and my little sister is developmentally disabled. I keep things going here. Each can take care of themself a bit but without me the house would have been taken for non-payment of real estate taxes, and would have literally blown up due to a gas leak. Given that and that I love my family and family is family no matter what my relationship status is anyone who will not take me because of my family can go _uck themselves. You live with your family and have good reasons. Like it was said earlier. The right woman will not care about you living with your folks. Being controlled like a puppy is another thing. I'm looking after my parents too. It probably hurts my dating prospects, but oh well. Family means more to me than being in a relationship, and I'm definitely not living off the fat of the land. Looking after one's parents is part of the culture in which I was raised. I accept that most people in this part of the world can't or won't understand this, but there's nothing I can do about it, other than apologizing for caring about my loved ones. Edited May 9, 2011 by westernxer
Star Gazer Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 The only way I would ever date a man of ANY age who lived with his parents would be if he had a medical or nursing degree and was soely responsible for their medical care because no one else could care for them.
SpiralOut Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 The only way I would ever date a man of ANY age who lived with his parents would be if he had a medical or nursing degree and was soely responsible for their medical care because no one else could care for them. This. And it's not just the living at home thing that is a turn-off for me. I want a man who has confidence and independence and is in charge of his life. If a man can't stand up for himself, he most certainly won't stand up for me. And that's not okay with me.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 The only way I would ever date a man of ANY age who lived with his parents would be if he had a medical or nursing degree and was soely responsible for their medical care because no one else could care for them. So a full time college student living at home and working part time is completely unreasonable?
westernxer Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 So a full time college student living at home and working part time is completely unreasonable? Social Darwinism sucks, doesn't it? LOL
lino Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I don't like your chances. I don't agree with that line of thinking though. I have my own house and I'd happily go out with a 30 yr old girl living with her parents. But then again it's quite different when the genders are reversed for some reason...
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Social Darwinism sucks, doesn't it? LOL I'm being somewhat facetious. I have a friend who lives at home and has a girlfriend and has never really had any problems getting dates/hook ups. I guess it does help that he's usually the only one home since his mom and step dad go out so much so it's practically his house. But, it goes to show that nothing is impossible.
Star Gazer Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 So a full time college student living at home and working part time is completely unreasonable? Over the age of 22/23 (unless they just got out of the military and have returned to college), for me, yes.
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