KT18 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Hi everyone, I am not yet single and need help making my decision about whether to leave my partner or stay and see if things improve between us. One of my favourite quotes is "We have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future. All we can do is use the information at hand to make the best decision possible." After saying this to myself I come to the conclusion that I need to leave. I will start from the beginning. I met my partner on the 28th of October 2009 via a dating website. We went on our first date and spent every day together after that. He has recently told me that he was drunk on our first date, though I didn't notice at the time. What attracted me to him was that he seemed so self assured and confident and in control of his life. This was all a facade, which I found out later. Things progressed and in December I moved into his place, that he owns (rather has a mortgage), I was renting and it seemed like a great way for us both to save money on living expenses. Things were great at first. In February I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to terminate the pregnancy because we had not been together that long and seeing as it was still early days I was not sure that the relationship would work out. My partner had been taking anti depressants and loads of valium when we first started seeing each other but he stopped taking both and he said it was because of me, the side effects of the anti depressants were terrible and the valium was not helping. He convinced me to have the baby so I went through with the pregnancy. In short my partner has anger issues, he never accepts responsibility for his actions and he thinks that he doesnt have to answer to anybody, especially at work. He changed while I was pregnant. All he wanted to do was play his Xbox and drink. He would get nasty with me and send me horrible emails at work calling me things like a "deranged bitch" if I asked him for permission to spend money on things for the baby ... he didn't want to buy anything for the baby until it was here. He showed no interest in what was happening to my body. We stopped having sex or any kind of intimacy, like cuddles, very early on in the pregnancy. One example of what he was like, when I was 5 months pregnant I was waking up at 5am to get ready for work, it would take me just over an hour to walk to the train station, catch a train, catch a bus and then walk to work. I would carry my lunch every day. My partner (uneployed at this time) said that he needed the car in case he had to go to job interviews, though he had no intention of doing so because he received a payout when he left work and just wanted to sit around and play xbox and drink. One night he was playing xbox late and I couldnt sleep (again) because the xbox is in the room next to the master bedroom. I asked him several times to turn it down and he didnt so I got out of bed and went down the other end of the house to the guest bedroom and climbed into that bed. he stormed in, ripped back the blankets calling me a bitch and dragged me out of bed. I screamed and he let me go and retreated to the master bedroom. The next morning he didnt apologise, just blamed it on the whisky and me being a bitch. Anyway, I sound like I am complaining and this could go on forever. Briefly, yes he does do some nice things for me. He bought a mothers day present and card (signed "from" not "love from" our son) and mind you the mothers day present is the ugliest thing I have seen (not the point I know but shows how little he knows my taste!) and he left these things on the nursery floor for when I got up this morning to do the 5 am bottle and nappy change. Being my first mothers day I was kind of hoping for him to get up to the baby, he has not done that once since he has been born, and maybe bring me a coffee in bed or something ... I did make the day special by taking my bub down to the park to play, something that my partner also does not do. He came to antenatal classes but we left every one of them early because my partner was complaining about being there. When I was in hospital he would visit but never stay long. he has given our baby one bath since he as born, and he is now nearly 7 months. Every time I go somewhere and cant take the baby my partner calls his mum around to baby sit so he can play his games. He becomes nasty when I ask him about things or question decisions, especially to do with the baby. He says that I am a dumb f***ing bitch and he wont explain anything to me because I am too stupid to understand anyway. His parents always bail him out. Financially and also when my partner ran into trouble at his old work his dad went in to meeting with him to try resolve things with his boss. This is a 32 year old man! One night we were lying in bed together and I was fed up with not having a sex life so i said to him that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. he then dragged me out of bed, out the front door and locked it behind me. I had time to grab my mobile phone so i called his dad and then i called the police. his dad arrived and let himself into the house, the police got there not long after. I packed bags, took my son and left. I went back the following day. The same again the next time I left. I went back the following day. He didnt apologise for dragging me out of bed. He said that I deserved it. The same goes when he calls me names and threatens to throw me out, he says that I deserve it. Now, maybe you are thinking that I do deserve it? I am a first time mother and i am anxious about the well being of my son, but I do not deserve to be spoken to the way he speaks to me. I am not happy. I dont even know if what I have written makes sense. In three days I am going to be receiving a large sum of money. I can find a rental, arrange removalists and go but I don't know if I can make it on my own or if I am making a mistake. I want a family, but I want a family with someone who will cuddle me when I need it and someone who is nice. Do I stay and put the money in the joint account and see how things go or should I leave and try make it on my own with my son? My partner wont go to couples councelling, he said that i need to see someone because I am the only one with the problem. Also he borrows money from his dad and tells me that he will "do whatever the f*** he wants with it" yet I have to pay the money back when I go back to work.
Illiandra Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Everything you listed in this relationship is wrong, I think you know what you need to do...leave before it gets worse because this is def not healthy!
Downtown Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 KT, you are describing the behavior of a 32 year old who throws temper tantrums, is verbally and physically abusive, is emotionally unstable and does not control his anger, and refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions (instead blaming you for every misfortune). These characteristics collectively form a pattern of behavior called BPD traits (Borderline Personality Disorder traits). Whether his traits are so strong as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make. This does not mean, however, you cannot spot a strong occurrence of such traits in a man you've been living with for over a year. If you read a little about them, you will find the traits are easy to spot when they are as strong as what you are describing. A BPDer (person having strong BPD traits) acts in this immature manner because his emotional development was frozen at about age four. To read a description of what it is like to live with a typical BPDer, I suggest you read my post in Inigo's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. That post provides a link to the best article I've seen on how to successfully leave a BPDer. You may also want to look at my three posts in Katt's thread. Whereas Inigo was dating a BPDer who raged outwardly like your H, Katt was dating a man who "acted in" and did not do the verbal abuse that your H does. In most other regards, the "acting out" and "acting in" BPDers typically are the same. My posts in Katt's thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If those discussions ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them further with you here. Take care, KT.
PinkChic Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get out of this situation! This is NOT healthy for you or your son. Don't raise your son in that home thinking it's okay to treat woman this way. Please keep us posted!
Author KT18 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Thank you all for your replies. I went to see my dad yesterday and filled him in on what has been happening. He has a psychiatric degree so I thought he might have some advice. I haven't approached him before now because he has only recently come back into my life after being estranged for approximately 10 years. He thinks that I am running away. He asked me for my partners mobile number and said that he will call him to arrange a time for them to meet up face to face and talk through what is happening. He said that he needs to hear both sides of the story. Last night I spoke to my partner and told him that I went to see dad and that I mentioned that things were not going too well with us and that my dad wants to meet up with him to see if he can help and also so they can get to know each other better. My partner said for me to tell my dad that he is too busy and that any problems that we have are in my head. I told my partner that I am not happy with the way that he speaks to me and he said that there isnt anything that anyone can say to change the way he speaks to me because I deserve it when I am being a bitch. He also said that I am the one who has been abusing him and treating him badly and anyone else in his position would have done the same things to me to keep me in line. So, I called my dad and relayed this and he is going to call my partner today anyway and said that he will let me know what transpires. My dad asked me if I told my partner I was planning to leave and I said no, not this time. The last time I was told that my teeth should be knocked down my throat. For now I am staying.
PinkChic Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 KT, this makes me SOOOOOOO sad My parents have been married 32 years now. My dad was a massively abusice alcoholic for 23 of those 32 years. I am an only child and growing up I watched my dad constantly abusing my mom, physically, mentally and emotionally. Before I was born when my dad bashed her head (while pregnant) in the refrigerator by mom tried to go to her dad and leave. He told her the same thing "Go back home to your husband"... she did and for years and year and years she struggled with the abuse. I grew up hating my father... for the pain I watched him put my mother (who is truly my best friend) I could never forgive him until this day... I stuggled through relationships of my own thinking that all men treat woman like this.. and for a while i struggled through my friendships thinking that all people are abusive. This WILL take a toll on your son. My mom finally, when I was 15 decided to divorce him. I give her all the credit in the world and even until today I tell her I would have divorced him all those years back. He got served with papers and never once since that day 10 years ago has had a single sip to drink, went into counceling and now treats my mother like gold. My mother still holds a resentment for all those years she had to cover up the black eyes and her teeth that got knocked out. Those memories don't go away. My dad has tried SO hard to have a relationship with me... it's been hard.. I hold probably a 25x larger grudge against him then my mom does and he knows it. My family has come a long way over the years and I don't know why I'm telling you the "happy ending" of this because they aren't all happy. My grandpa (my moms dad) is no longer alive but she still tells me how upset she was with him that he sent her home to an abusive man. If my mom would have left him all those years ago I can guarentee I atleast MIGHT have a relationship with my father and I wouldn't have such issues in my relationships as I do. He took away my childhood, something a million "sorry's" and a million tears can't take back. Yes, I am honored that I can tell you this story with a happy ending that he changed, that him and my mom are now happy getting ready to retire. But, this doesn't take away my childhood, my mom or I's memories and I just want you to know it DOES have an effect on your child. Please do what you know in your heart you need to do. For you and YOUR CHILD.
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