Uphill Struggle

[Gisele]

Having a really bad day today and need to vent, i have to see them together everyday but even when i can't see my ex and his new gf together, I can't help fixating on them in my mind, wondering why I wasn't good enough..what they're doing together...

 

He knows i still have feelings for him, which makes it so much worse: i feel like ive got nothing to hide behind and as if he's pitying me

 

They are very prominent socially as well, and apart from losing the mutual friends, I feel so isolated and alone

 

Im NC at the minute, but is there anything I can do to make this easier?

 

Part of me wants to start dating again, but my confidence is shot. It's been too long for me to still feel this way.

[sonic3]

That sounds like a nightmare, I think NC is definitely your best option.

 

I know it's difficult, but cutting contact with mutual friends for a while will help as well.

 

I share a few mutual friends with my ex and I'm still keeping them at a distance, I don't want to know about what she's up to, so it's best to refrain from meeting with them for a while.

 

It sucks because apart from my best mate, almost everyone I know know's my ex, so I'm in quite a lonely place at the minute as well, especially now I've finished college and have a whole summer of sitting about the house.

 

Try working on some things that will boost your confidence, I find exercising is working well for improving my frame of mind and the physical improvements are a huge boost for my confidence.

 

If you can build up some confidence and start dating again or even chatting to other guys, it'll make you feel a lot better

[Gisele]

Thanks a lot for replying, i think venting it all here helps!

 

Im not bad-looking, and when guys would whistle in the street or even just shout stuff from cars (romance ain't dead....) id feel good about myself, like his opinion is just one. But then seeing them sitting in the middle of a big group of my old friends, holding hands....just stings like hell.

 

She's 7 years older than me to make things worse, and very loud. Im only 19.

 

I think if i hadn't received such poor treatment from him, i wouldnt feel so bad about seeing them together, with him presumably treating her well. He would jump between telling me i was beautiful and too good for him, and shouting at me in front of friends and making belittling comments.

 

I can't make sense of it, and have constant reminders, not to mention the embarrassment of him knowing i still have feelings. i made the worst mistake by telling him, and his subsequent speech about how he prefers her and how 'insanely happy' he is, and how he 'feels bad for me' did not help

 

i hate the thought of him thinking ill be permanently hung up on him. mostly because im trying to kill that thought myself.

 

Was there anything that helped you distract yourself?

 

Im going to just try and look after myself, look my best and get on with studying. Easier said than done some days!

[Gisele]

Sorry for the double post but i needed to add, i was actually tempted to switch universities at one stage, that can't be normal surely?

 

A friend of mine told me i feel this way because i had a matter of days to try and process his treatment of me before they got together, and then had to try and process THAT imagery and reality while having to see them every day in classes.

 

I think she might be right, but when does 'slow, steady recovery' become 'being a mopey sad-sack'? It's been a few months.

 

I just desperately want to feel like myself again. I liked the way i was before i met him.

[VJohnson32]

You should try and avoid them as much as possible. It would take time before you get to your own self again. Right now the best medicine is to be selfish and take care of yourself, body & mind. Make sure you don't neglect your human needs. Socialize, find new friends and vent on here as much as you can. Flirt if you want, it gives you a great confidence boost. Working out always helps a lot, since your body is in a withdrawal state from being dumped. Happy and healthy body makes a happy mind and person

[Gisele]

Thanks a lot for your replies, i really appreciate it.

 

The worst part of it is him knowing i still have feelings for him, but there's not much i can do about that now, is there?

 

Also i keep telling myself that they can't last forever, just to try and make things easier for me when i see them: but i think i should stop that too....it'll only prolong the hurt

 

I feel really lonely. I hate the thought of him having her in his bed, someone with him at night, and im on my own

[Gisele]

Need to vent: This is getting tougher than i thought. Am kicking myself everyday for admitting to him how i feel: i gave him all the power and lost my last defence

 

Im sticking to NC really well, no facebook or anything, but then I have to see him everyday and wham, i feel like crap

 

Naturally, i really want to make him regret losing me, but that's a battle which is a waste of time. It is making me feel better to focus on bettering myself physically (how shallow does that sound!)

 

Im lucky not to be in the position where i have to speak to him, but even trying to maintain NC when HE'S RIGHT THERE (often WITH her) for 8 hours a day is a nightmare

[ramathorne]

Gisele,

 

I know what you're going through. I'm 20 and am dealing with the rejection of the girl I loved. No facebook really helps doesn't it?! It was harder to stay off facebook than to not contact her I found.

 

I couldn't imagine seeing her everyday like you have been dealing with. You must be one tough cookie! That already shows me and most likely many others on this site that you're tough as nails.

 

Show the bastard that he's not worth the time of day to you. Maybe he will snap out of this and treat you like the desirable, strong girl that you seem to be. Maybe he won't. Somebody will though.

 

You're not alone in this!

[Kilty]

Snap !

The only difference is that it was me that walked away from the relationship, realised id made a mistake, poured my guts out and tried to make things right.

Unfortunately she had moved on within a few weeks, got engaged and is getting married later this year.

I work beside both of them.

I see her rarely but he works on my floor so get sight of him every day.

 

It's now been 8 months since i went NC and things are still crapola but much better than they were.

 

The only consolation i can give you is that as human beings we get used to things if we have to suffer them long enough.

 

(i think the worst example i can give of that as evidence is stories from the survivors of Auchwitz - when asked how they could live like that day after day with all that was going on around them and the constant threat of death, that was their reply)

 

Whilst our situations are nowhere near that bad, as time goes by you will become immune to this.

 

You wont feel brilliant seeing them together but it will not be as bad as you feel now.

 

She also knows how i feel about her and how sorry i was and all i get now is ignored coupled with an occasional grimace.

 

Maybe she still hates me, maybe its rebound, maybe she is settling for who she is with now - whatever it doesnt matter.

 

But although i caused the break up i have since been rejected for someone else too - just have to suck it up as hard as it is.

 

Jumping into a new relationship worked for her but i realise that does not work for everyone.

 

But i think you should try casual dating and allow nice guys to appreciate & compliment you to allow your self esteem to improve.

 

And after all - you are only 19 with your life ahead of you and are going to be a great catch for someone and have loads of boyfriends before you hit 25 - trust me.

 

Id also put money on him crawling back - she is a lot older after all.

 

But you dont want to think that way - you couldnt take him back now anyway

 

He doesnt appreciate how you feel - just as my ex didnt either - so why waste time on folk that dont feel the same way back

 

Its a waste of time & oxygen - & their loss

[Gisele]

ramathorne and Kilty thank you so much for your responses. You've no idea how isolated this situation makes me feel sometimes, and it helps to know im not the only one. You've really given me a much needed boost to keep soldiering on!

 

Kilty my situation actually is quite similar to yours: his treatment of me was downright shocking at times, when I look back i wonder how I let him away with it. He'd tell me to wear my hair a certain way, tell me i looked fat in a photo (i thought he was joking - i get complimented on my body a lot...he wasn't, and asked 'well, dont you think you do?') he was consistently rude, his friends often asked why he held me at a distance and he denied doing so. If the 'loud crowd' in our course approved, he approved.

 

But it wasnt all the time, and sometimes he was affectionate. He made me laugh. He is 4 years older - i thought maybe i had an immature notion of how these things went, that i was being oversensitive and he was right about these things. I liked him.

 

After a particularly hurtful comment and cold request from him, my self-esteem must have had a moment of victory and I ended things. Yep, i broke up with HIM, so I dont have a leg to stand on

 

He was suddenly very affectionate, spouting compliments. I just wanted to leave, and when I did i felt sad, but also free.

 

I still missed him. like hell. Id want to just kiss him when i saw him, hoping that he'd changed

 

A few days later he slept with a girl we both knew from our classes.

 

And that was that.

 

I was devastated, the affection and consideration he refused to give me seemed to be lavished on her, and very publicly. Facebook walls smothered in inside jokes and even some poorly veiled hints at their sex life. Photos of them sitting like a couple, arms wrapped round each other. (yes ramathorne, you're so right when you say avoiding facebook is harder!!)

 

He told me that 'acting couple-y' was not something he did in public. Not anymore apparently. She was straight out of a break up too, and it hurts that theyve lasted so long. I compared myself to her like mad, but i don't think I was a lesser option.

 

Ive spent so long wondering why he treats her well, and me poorly. Maybe he doesnt, and she just doesnt mind.

 

I feel like ive brought it all on myself for breaking up with him. that I welcomed all this, by not just sticking it out

 

Since he got with her we spoke very rarely - i see now that i shouldn't have spoken to him at all. And after a friendly (and im ashamed to say, flirty, on both parts) exchange, i admitted i still have feelings.

 

And here I am now

[Gisele]

Anyway, today wasn't so bad. I did really well work-wise. Loved talking to my other friends. Id often come home and just cry and cry when they started seeing each other. i think it was from the effort of bottling it all up for 8 hours. I just feel tired today.

 

Just having to hear his voice is horrible. I dont think classes are so bad because people are restrained. But seeing him standing right there did give me that nervous lurch in my stomach again, and I had the first temptation to break NC (which ive been on since admitting feelings)

 

I think it's because it makes it seem so easy, when he's right there...to just send a text, call him..

 

Im not going to though. No way in hell.

 

 

Today was also nice because a guy approached me on the street. Was flattering, and gave me a nice boost. But i still felt empty - i still want my ex's approval, HIS attention, HIS voice. Miss Pathetic 2011.

 

The nights out are by far the worst. I should be enjoying myself, and the company of my friends, but our course would go out as a big group of 80+ or 100+ people, and theyre always there. Watching them kiss is brutal (when you see it out of the corner of your eye, or worse, can't help glancing over) but watching them whispering sweet nothings is worse.

Cherry on the cake is watching them leave together for the night....

 

There's actually a big night out being planned for next week, most of the course is going. Girls even buying new outfits etc. I like getting dressed up, i like going dancing, but these nights with them there feel more like a fight to just get through the evening without crying, than enjoyable. A test of stamina. Particularly now that he knows how i feel, and acts like he pities me. I dont need that.

 

If i could separate them from the rest of the people i know, it'd be such a gift. But theyre making themselves seen and heard very effectively, and have even become close to people i'd known for years previously. I have people on the course that dont know i have a history with him, bringing them up and saying how theyre 'such a lovely couple'. STOMACH LURCH. i nod and change topic. I feel like im being pushed out of my own life.

 

Id feel like i was isolating myself further, and letting them win by not attending such a big event. But the thought of curling up with a DVD seems more appealing.....

[ramathorne]

Gisele-

 

Your ex sounds like a sleaze. From what I can tell he is trying to make you feel as bad about yourself as possible. You're not gonna let that happen though! You don't need somebody else to help you get through your problems, as you have been showing. He obviously does. Why else would he be going to another girl right away? You're much stronger, and much smarter than this douchebag will ever be.

 

Head up!

[Gisele]

Having a bad night, am not feeling confident about tomorrow. Would be such a luxury to have them out of sight and earshot.

 

Kicking myself everyday for telling him i still cared! For some reason i feel just as panicked when i see HER as when i see him. She's always been slightly cold to me, and we hardly know each other, but the anxiety i feel when i see her is getting out of hand.

 

I cant explain why and i cant control it

[Mack05]

Gisele you are 19..Trust me one day (not far) your going to meet a guy that treats you 100 times better then this guy, who will make you feel 100 times better then this guy ever did and who you will love him 100 times more then this guy. I am going through a tough breakup like you, but I am 36 and I have been through a few of these. Some tougher then others. The best way I have found to move on is to let go, forgive them and move on. VERY hard but it can be done.

 

Right now focus on yourself. Do the things you like to do, the things that make you happy. Also, go to the gym. Working out is a great way to get your confidence back. Force yourself out of bed and do your workout in the morning. It gives you a sense of purpose for the day. Write down goals and stick to them. Some can be simple short term goals like cooking a dinner or long term career goals/maybe travelling. Get yourself happy, because until you are happy within yourself there is no point in even trying to meet a guy. I have had four serious relationships. Three never stood a chance because I wasn't happy within myself. You can't rely on others for your own happiness. That has to come from within. When you are not happy within yourself you attract the wrong people as you are sending out all the wrong signals to the world. Took me to get to 36 to figure out something that simple.

 

Try avoid them as much as possible and if you do bump into them, have a smile on your face. The first few will be tough and it is acting, but I promise sooner or later a genuine smile will appear. Whatever you do, don't talk to him and try avoid looking their way. Nothing good can come of it. If you feel uncomfortable leave.

 

This guy has done you a favour. Instead of being stuck with this loser, you can now go find a guy that's truly worthy of you. Take you time. We all have to grieve, all have to hurt. It's how we deal with that hurt that counts. Keep your dignity, keep your head held high. I know how you feel Gisele. Sometimes you get to the point where you expect to screw up, you expect to fail. "If we want to win we got to let them go. Forgive them and move on. Otherwise they hold too much power over us and they don't deserve it".

 

Trust me this will get easier...And when you do find the right guy, that's when all the pain and suffering is worth it..

[Gisele]

Guys im sitting here in tears

 

I think im completely going backwards. Today was horrible, hearing his voice and just having to see him. What makes it worse is that since i admitted feelings, he seems to be completely ignoring me - not even speaking or looking at me if he walks past. Half an hour ago he did this. It's almost childish. At least before we were civil (and it took all my strength to do that!!)

 

It makes me feel so much more embarrassed: it's not like i laid my heart bare in a big emotional speech, i simply stated that i still had feelings but accepted that he was with someone else. And i wouldnt have done it if he hadnt initiated and engaged in a very sexual conversation with me a month ago. i wouldnt have had the guts.

I thought they had broken up, having not seen or heard of them together in a while but no, he was just doing it 'as friends'. It was inappropriate, and i felt so vulnerable after, not to mention guilty. Im a girl's girl at heart, and i hated myself for pursuing a guy who was taken and having that sort of conversation, even if he used to be mine. He seemed to realise it was out of order too, and was clearly hiding it from her

 

 

I feel so rejected. I can't see how she's better than me, or better FOR him than me.

I made the dreadful mistake of going onto their profile pages and seeing a few messages that made my heart drop, but at least i havent contacted him

 

I want to make this hurt less. Why am i so hurt by this, he treated me so poorly? Im trying to just take it day by day

[Kilty]

Giselekins

 

You are currently in denial and filled with nostalgia.

 

Nostalgia can be a great thing but NOT when it comes to failed relationships.

 

You made your decision to end it for reasons that were 100% right at the time - although the way our minds work we seem to forget that months later.

 

He treated you crappily and eventually you had enough.

 

What is bothering you at the moment is the same that i have went through - which is that we were both replaced so quickly and our ex's have moved on while we tried to heal.

 

What was once ours and ours alone is now somebody elses

 

Gutting isnt it ?

 

But once the denial and kidding yourself on dissapears you will realise that if you did get back together with him it would never work. What was there in the past that you didnt like will still be there - as will visions of him and his current rebound or whatever.

 

We foolishly imagine that things could be so different if each sides changes and that change is permanent so the relationship goes like a dream - but it never happens.

 

What does happen is you meet someone else eventually that you enjoy doing thigs with more than your ex.

 

But you have to remind yourself is that what you are going through at the moment is low self esteem because he has moved on quickstyle which makes you think you didnt mean that much to him and you will never find anyone like him.

 

But thats pants - you will and a million times better.

 

Just try and remember the bad times and when you were unhappy together.

 

Try not to let your mind cloud this out which it is trying desperately to do now.

 

Give up all hope with this guy and move on.

 

Also you spent some time with this guy so what you are missing is that kind of company - Not him.

 

Your social life has altered and it takes time to get back in the swing/routine.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Kilty

[Gisele]

Thanks Kilty, you always really help

 

I think it's just so hard because the best break-up approach follows the "out of sight, out of mind" logic...and we don't have that option

 

Im stunned that i didnt see this coming, he admitted he'd been with a LOT of women, and tended to jump from one relationship to another in a matter of months.

He just acted like we were different sometimes. And I didn't think it would be a girl in my course (and that much older than me!)! Im sure you know how much that stings too

 

How bad is it that im dreaming of the day they break up? Not even to get him back, that ship has sailed...and is probably in the southern pacific by now....but just to get a feeling that they're not so powerful and omnipresent anymore!

 

Cant stop asking myself things like 'did always want her? Did he cheat on me?'

Not pleasant

 

Im also very worried that maybe he was right, that i WAS just oversensitive, and ruined things myself my gut says i wasn't though. He was cruel to me sometimes.

 

i know it's frustrating to listen to someone rant and vent like this, especially because I KNOW you're right....it's just feels good to get it all out there, and i appreciate the support big-time!

[Kilty]

Oh yes - i hope my ex and her new rebound, old, bald & ugly fiance crash and burn for that exact reason although their power isnt that great.

 

I can see it for what it exactly is after months of denial.

 

In any normal situation their relationship would have ended months ago but she is at an age where she is settling.

 

46 and never been married.

 

He is desperate to have someone, anyone. 50, ex wife, 3 grown up kids, just out of an engagement to someone else who was pregnant with someone elses child.

 

Thats why it will last. Both of them suffer from that syndrome that they have to be with somebody and it doesnt matter a jot who it is.

 

I really feel sorry for her now but she has to make her own choices. She is happy at the moment but experience says once she makes that ultimate committment and she is with someone she has only known a year 24/7 -things will change.

 

However she and him will stick it out regardless they are both that desperate.

 

Thankfully i am not - and neither are you sugar.

 

As i and others have said - you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

And do you know what ? See in 10 years time when you are approaching 30 you will be that embarrassed that you gave this loser so much of your time and thoughts - thats if your mind hasnt forgotten about him completely.

 

In fact - it will be long before then that you reach this point.

 

The main thing is to keep your dignity big time - no matter how hard it is at the moment - and ALWAYS do the opposite of what your emotions tell you.

 

You are 19 and Scottish ?

 

Life doesnt get much better than that

[kaycstamper]

You don't necessarily have to date to start feeling better, just spend time with friends doing enjoyable things, get out and meet people. When you're having fun, you'll think about ex and his GF less and less.

 

Give yourself a chance to get over him, it takes time and I don't know how long it's been for you. Also, try to NOT find out things about him, tell your friends not to tell you about him, make sure he's not on your FB, etc, that just prolongs the misery.

[Mack05]

Gislele do my a favour. Write a letter to this guy. Don't EVER send it. Just write all your feelings on paper (can be hand written or in word). Just write down the first thing in your head and don't delete it or amend anything in the letter. Add to the letter everyday. Trust me it helps. In a few months read the letter and I GUARENTEE you, you will say to yourself what did I ever see in that guy!!?

 

What you need to do now is take baby steps, one positive step at a time. Figure out over the next few days what these positive steps need to be. I promise you it will get better. I lost a girl I was crazy about at 19, but now it's a lifetime ago. It will get better I promise you. Now is the time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's time to start the long climb up the mountain. One small step at a time..I'm going through the same thing. It's not easy but everyday I do positive things and everyday I start to feel better and better.

 

U have a choice. Stay in this awful place and not move on for 3, 6 , 12 months or get back in control of your life. It's up to you. At the end of the day the only person that can help you, IS YOU...

[Gisele]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. Kilty you made me laugh, but it helps to remember i have Scotland and youth on my side! but to be honest im a mutt, half irish.

 

He's a Londoner (and very, very English).

Think i fell for the associated charm.

 

Im sorry to hear about your situation. It's a grim old boat we're in here, nothing like daily reminders. How do you get any work done?? This has been so disruptive to my studies, but at least i have a larger space to try to hide from them.

Im not good at controlling my thoughts yet, or distracting myself, and i realise im wasting time thinking about it but i can't stop yet, my mind wanders im working on it

 

Thanks for the letter idea Mack. I might try that!

Id be worried id get to the point where id think 'he should hear some of this!!' and break NC though.

Breaking NC is something i will not let myself do.

 

Feeling nervous about tomorrow again.

 

Someone made a thread on how NC made them feel like they obsessed about their ex more: i understand that feeling. There's no reality surrounding them because it's like they're behind a glass window: you can look, and that's all. You don't remember annoying habits or cruel words, you just look at them and get the classic stomach lurch!

[kaycstamper]

NC is NOT looking, not inquiring, etc. It's not cyber stalking, it's going completely dark on them.

[Gisele]

Sorry i meant physically looking, i see him everyday and often have to watch him present work etc

[fetish]

Sorry giselle you're going through what you're going through. I know its natural to compare yourself to your ex's new fling. I know it's easier said than done but try to take your focus off him and comparing yourself to his new girl. Yes i know it stings like ****! It's going to hurt, but start going to the gym to get your mind off things, pick up a hobby and start focusing on you. Like you said, you have youth on your side, use it!

 

I've been through stuff like this before. A girl i was involved with for some several months dated several guys after me. I was still kind of crazy about her. Then she came up pregnant. Tore me up. But i always try to tell myself that there's nobody better than me other than the creator of the universe!

[Gisele]

Very unsettling day!

Bumped into his new girl in the women's toilets today. I was waiting in the queue, she was talking loudly to her girlfriends (i don't think intentionally, she's always quite loud) at the sinks about him.

 

How well things are going and worst of all, their plans for the evening my heart was dropping by the minute

 

2 weeks after they started going out, a friend and I overheard her in a cafe talking about how she kind of missed her ex (she slept with my ex the day they ended their 2 year relationship) and how she 'could get him back anytime'. It sounds pathetic, but it sort of gave me hope that they were both just rebounding

 

Hurts that they seem so strong and couple-y now even more. HOPE is what i need to get rid of ive realised, unless it's hope related to ME feeling better.

 

Anyway, I greeted her and her friends politely on their way out: am proud of myself

 

And yes, i did scrutinise her as usual, and did a good aul comparison: old habits i don't feel awful about myself though. I don't think shes that much better than me. Im jealous of what they have together, and their growing social status (which increasingly involves old friends of mine!), but i don't stand about wishing 'make me just like her!!'. I think that's a good sign.

 

As for him, still going strong with no contact and didn't even see him today (double winning!)