EarthMamma Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Hi, Newbie to the Loveshack forums - obviously, not here under ideal circumstances, but reading through the threads, this seems to be a great and supportive place to be..... Quick summary on my situation. Was with ex* for 10 years, have a 3 year old son, found out 4 months ago that he has been cheating with an OW who is based in another state (they met when he was away travelling on business). They have been together since autumn last year and it started out as an EA on their first meeting - due to distance I guess - before turning PA from their second hook-up (another business trip to the same state!). Anyway, OW is moving here to be with her 'soulmate', but her job wont transfer until July/August. Until then, they are flying between locations to see each other for holidays (when she is here, she stays with ex as he moved out back in Feb). I am in IC and have great support in RL so thinking that I am slowly getting there in terms of coming to terms with this, though know I am a long way off of things deep down. My main issue is dealing with ex and all of his foggy nonsense. I am sick to death of being spoken to like crap and having to put up with him putting OW first - he even puts her first before DS sometimes . Lately, he has been paying out lots of compliments to me and asking me if I am okay, what have I been up to etc, whether I have had a good night (e.g. when he comes round the next morning to pick up DS for access time). I have read enough on this forum and elsewhere not to fall for any crappy lines and I honestly don't think that I can think of ex in 'that' way knowing where he has been (iyswim), but am wondering if this thawing out is a positive sign that he is de-fogging or whether he is in fact upping his game and decided that softening me up a bit before he goes in for a blow is the way to go from now on? Our previous interactions normally descend into full blown arguments, THOUGH, I am now doing a hard 180 (as much as I can with a child involved) and detaching from him. So yesterday, he brings DS back from day out and as I am putting him to bed, ex calls and leaves a message on voicemail saying along the lines of 'hi, how are you, just wondering how DS is and how he was going to bed tonight. Call me or text me back'. Now, he has never called since leaving the family home to ask this question, so why now?!! Needless to say, I didn't bother contacting him. With my 180 hat on, I thought, even though it was about DS, there was no info I could give him then that I couldn't share this morning when he came round.....funnily enough, when he came round this morning, he didn't ask!!! I am confused....all I want is an easy life and I guess I am clutching at straws to even think that he is anywhere near de-fogging as its all very general talk so far. To be honest, I dont expect him to de-fog until OW is here and they are living their perfect life. But then, another question. Given that they are still living a fantasy of a perfect future life together when she moves, is the time lapse for when they finally live together too long a gap for him to every de-fog? Even living on his own for the past 3 months hasn't been enough to tarnish ex's dreams on this front). Has he been forever 'fogged'??! A de-fogged WS would make comms and co-parenting a lot, lot easier......I am not in the frame of mind of taking him back.... *I should point out that we were not married, though we were engaged, so more of a WF... Thanks
TMCM Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Don't read too much into his VM message. WS are notorious for trying to have the best of both worlds, a lover and a spouse. Remember 'actions speak louder than words' and until you see big actions on his part that show his sincerity of wanting to rebuild the relationship, treat it as simply as his way of cake eating.
JLB Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi, Newbie to the Loveshack forums - obviously, not here under ideal circumstances, but reading through the threads, this seems to be a great and supportive place to be..... Quick summary on my situation. Was with ex* for 10 years, have a 3 year old son, found out 4 months ago that he has been cheating with an OW who is based in another state (they met when he was away travelling on business). They have been together since autumn last year and it started out as an EA on their first meeting - due to distance I guess - before turning PA from their second hook-up (another business trip to the same state!). Anyway, OW is moving here to be with her 'soulmate', but her job wont transfer until July/August. Until then, they are flying between locations to see each other for holidays (when she is here, she stays with ex as he moved out back in Feb). I am in IC and have great support in RL so thinking that I am slowly getting there in terms of coming to terms with this, though know I am a long way off of things deep down. My main issue is dealing with ex and all of his foggy nonsense. I am sick to death of being spoken to like crap and having to put up with him putting OW first - he even puts her first before DS sometimes . Lately, he has been paying out lots of compliments to me and asking me if I am okay, what have I been up to etc, whether I have had a good night (e.g. when he comes round the next morning to pick up DS for access time). I have read enough on this forum and elsewhere not to fall for any crappy lines and I honestly don't think that I can think of ex in 'that' way knowing where he has been (iyswim), but am wondering if this thawing out is a positive sign that he is de-fogging or whether he is in fact upping his game and decided that softening me up a bit before he goes in for a blow is the way to go from now on? Our previous interactions normally descend into full blown arguments, THOUGH, I am now doing a hard 180 (as much as I can with a child involved) and detaching from him. So yesterday, he brings DS back from day out and as I am putting him to bed, ex calls and leaves a message on voicemail saying along the lines of 'hi, how are you, just wondering how DS is and how he was going to bed tonight. Call me or text me back'. Now, he has never called since leaving the family home to ask this question, so why now?!! Needless to say, I didn't bother contacting him. With my 180 hat on, I thought, even though it was about DS, there was no info I could give him then that I couldn't share this morning when he came round.....funnily enough, when he came round this morning, he didn't ask!!! I am confused....all I want is an easy life and I guess I am clutching at straws to even think that he is anywhere near de-fogging as its all very general talk so far. To be honest, I dont expect him to de-fog until OW is here and they are living their perfect life. But then, another question. Given that they are still living a fantasy of a perfect future life together when she moves, is the time lapse for when they finally live together too long a gap for him to every de-fog? Even living on his own for the past 3 months hasn't been enough to tarnish ex's dreams on this front). Has he been forever 'fogged'??! A de-fogged WS would make comms and co-parenting a lot, lot easier......I am not in the frame of mind of taking him back.... *I should point out that we were not married, though we were engaged, so more of a WF... Thanks Wow after reading your post, I could really relate to this the last few days. Not to thread jack, but I have been doing the 180 also....and the more I do it, the more it brings my Wayward around me. So much now, that he is starting to stalk me (not in a bad way)... I think mine is de-fogging somewhat, but not enough. I didn't bring up OW at all today...I am going to start doing a HARDER 180 and I would suggest the same to you! Unfortunately when he comes around, I fall for it...and get all mushy and soft...darn it! Think I'm back to square one myself. But again....I think in your sitch that he is noticing the "pull back"...now give him even more of a "pull back"....
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