maya arrow Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I have been with my bf for 3 years. He is, literally, the man I waited my whole life to meet. If I had a list of all the qualities I wanted in a man, he ticked every box. He is my physical ideal--so beautiful that other women ANd men always tell me how good-looking he is. He is unbelievably smart. He is kind. He is spiritual. He is driven. He is fiercely independent. When we first got together, we were quite passionately in love. I could hardly believe a man like him could love someone like me. But he did...and our first year together was absolute bliss like nothing I could ever have imagined. But I think the problem with finding your Ideal is that you fear losing him. Especially when you have had a past like mine, where my last boyfriend cheated on me and was emotionally abusive. It was hard for me to believe he loved me...and my insecurity caused a lot of fights, especially in the past year. I moved countries for him--to a place where I didn't know anyone, didn't have a job, a social life, or any money. And my confidence took a nose-dive and I know I leaned on him too much because he was my only sense of home. It put a strain on our relationship. Now, I am working hard to rectify my mistakes. But I fear it may be too late. I have sensed him withdrawing from me emotionally for some time now. We hardly have sex anymore (and we used to have amazing sex!) and he has told me that he loves me, but he is unsure of his feelings for me or about our future. He says he worries that we are not compatible, and that he cannot give me what I need. I recognize that I had unraveled too much, and I am working hard to get back to the confident, social, happy woman he fell in love with and once said was so "vibrant". It is hard, though, in a new place...but I have made strides. I've got a job now...have friends...it's taken a while, but I've been working hard to take care of myself. But I have to admit that I feel devastated feeling that he doesn't love me as much as I love him...and I wonder if there is any hope...if I continue to try and build myself back up again...that he will feel that spark he felt so intensely for me before. Sometimes I wonder if I should leave because I know I deserve more than a man who is unsure, who won't make love to me because of he is feeling disconnected...But I know he loves me. And I know he is faithful. And he still is making plans for trips together in the future... I don't know what to do. I am trying to be strong...but sometimes I feel so sad to not see him look at me with those adoring eyes. He is affectionate...but not passionate. Is it too late?
Illiandra Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 When a guy withdraws and starts saying that he feels your incompatible and he is unsure, then thats a sign he is giving up on the relationship. It maybe a cowardly way out but that is how he feels. 3 years is usually the breaking point ,,, either stay get engaged or break up. hes opting to leave you because he is uncertain. You deserve someone who is sure
Els Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 When a guy withdraws and starts saying that he feels your incompatible and he is unsure, then thats a sign he is giving up on the relationship. It maybe a cowardly way out but that is how he feels. 3 years is usually the breaking point ,,, either stay get engaged or break up. hes opting to leave you because he is uncertain. You deserve someone who is sure This seems to be the cookie cutter response, doesn't it? Well, I disagree with this poster. You've realized your mistakes, you owe yourself a shot at this, especially since you've invested 3 years in it and moved countries. Set yourself a timeframe, perhaps, ie 'I will reevaluate my decision in 3 months' time', and put your heart and soul into rectifying your mistakes during this time. Time will make things clearer and reveal answers. Yes, perhaps at the end of the time you've set for yourself, you may realize that he's withdrawn even more despite the changes you've made, and that there really is no hope left. But it is premature to decide that now, without having given time for the changes to take effect, and at least even if the above happens, you know you've done your best and the onus for the failed relationship is not on you. AND you've emerged a better person out of it, having learnt from your mistakes. And if you actually become intimate with one another once more, well, good for you!
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