aduro91 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 This is eating me up inside. I've been exclusive with a girl now for a few months and I've admittedly been paranoid about her having some feelings for her guy friend at university. Recently I've seen a text conversation with him on her phone where she joked that while trying to drive to my house during the holidays she would end up in Leeds where the other guy lives because she has bad navigation skills. The guy then jokes: "see you tomorrow, we could go to a pub you'd like instead" (of her seeing me). Were they flirting with each other?! It's not that I think she's going to be disloyal and do things with him. For me, I just can't get over the idea that she may have some, very limited feelings and attraction to this guy. Even if she doesn't act on it, the fact that she has had an arguably flirty convo with him and has had dreams about holding his hand, kissing etc (having told me after constantly asking what she dreamt that night, she was just being honest) just drives me crazy. I've accused her countless times of liking him and other people and we've had many arguments. I trust that she would never do anything behind my back, but its not enough. What can I do? I have already confronted her with the text and she said it wasn't flirting and she doesn't fancy him. Sometimes I believe her and sometimes i don't, I may have trust issues because i still cant let it go. That text just seems flirty and indicative of something more than friends, I am the butt of the joke because he suggest that they go to the pub "instead".
Professor X Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) First, regarding the text messages between them, i'd say they were just joking around, can't quite see any flirt in it. Second, the main issue is that you don't trust her, not when it comes to RS, and it has to reach to such extent, that you openly accuse her for things she hasn't done yet. Unless you get a hold of yourself, I can't see how your RS can work out. At some point your paranoia will reach to such degree that she won't be able to take much more of it and will be left with no choice but to leave you, and she might very well leave for another man by that time, because you have became a problem - So you know what? You might get what you wish for Wishful thinking it's called. You can only accuse a person so many times of something he is not guilty of, before he will have enough of it. To my understanding, RS are based firstly on trust, and as such, my question to you would be, what the hell are you doing with her? Edited May 8, 2011 by Professor X
Author aduro91 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 I go through phases of being paranoid because I find or see things like that text message that make me believe that she likes someone else and then I accuse her. But often she will re-assure me and then i'm fine for a while and recognize that it was just irrational and wrong of me to think this. I understand after we talk that I was being stupid. We have been talking about me going counseling if I accuse her or feel paranoid again. Does anyone think I need this?
Professor X Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 We have been talking about me going counseling if I accuse her or feel paranoid again. Does anyone think I need this? Yes, you need it.
Author aduro91 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) I haven't accused her since so I won't be going counseling yet. But she is at uni right now and probably with the friend who she had the arguably flirty text conversation with. Feeling a bit paranoid. I'm thinking that this paranoia may be because she left her old boyfriend for me, and we messed around while she was with him. And she cheated on hi with two other people. Might be thinking she'd do the same with me but tbh that hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. Anybody think its because of her past cheating? And how can i get rid of these feelings if it is? Edited May 10, 2011 by aduro91
Memphis Raines Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I have already confronted her with the text and she said it wasn't flirting and she doesn't fancy him. but thats how it starts. people putting little tidbits out there to see if the other person bites. and if the other person bites, then the next texts will be more to the point, if you get my drift. Sometimes I believe her and sometimes i don't, I may have trust issues because i still cant let it go. That text just seems flirty and indicative of something more than friends, I am the butt of the joke because he suggest that they go to the pub "instead". what do you think she'd do if a girl was telling you to come see her instead of your gf? you think that would just sit ok with her? don't think so.
Author aduro91 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 what do you think she'd do if a girl was telling you to come see her instead of your gf? you think that would just sit ok with her? don't think so. But it was a joke, she actually came to see me. It was him that joked that they could go to the pub, maybe it was just him flirting. Do you think it was flirting that she joked she would end up in his city because of bad navigation skills?
Author aduro91 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I would really like peoples' opinions on whether they think it was flirting that she joked she would end up in his city while trying to drive to my house, because of bad navigation skills. Because everybody I ask in person says I'm stupid to think so.
Memphis Raines Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 But it was a joke, she actually came to see me. It was him that joked that they could go to the pub, maybe it was just him flirting. Do you think it was flirting that she joked she would end up in his city because of bad navigation skills? like I said, thats how it starts. he can make those comments to see if he gets a desired reaction out of her. and if they get caught, as you clearly caught them, they can deny it and say they were just joking. flirting leads places, thats why people flirt. so they can later say, "oh, it was just joking". unless someone takes a bite.
jnj express Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 The guy was baiting her---what he is doing is taking a shot, to see if she will see him/go out with him----what does he have to lose You need to talk quietly, and calmly to your GF, about her texting with this guy---she may think it is no big thing, but that is how A's start---one of the 2--keeps on pushing, and pushing, until the other one gives in---and bingo---there is cheating going on She see's him at school---so that is also going on---you need to, as I said before---have a serious, but calm discussion---and layout a couple of boundaries, with consequences, that you will act on---not just talk on your part If you consider your relationship with your GF, really serious, then this needs to be handled now
TokyoG33kyGal Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 how did you win her over from her boyfriend? if it's in a similar fashion, then it might go that direction. it may have not happened yet but the thing is, you don't trust this girl cuz at the back of your mind she will do the same to you like what she did to her other past boyfriends.
Treetops1969 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 He is making a half hearted move on her and she is flirtatiously brushing him off cos she's with you. Your are defo paranoid and need some counselling. If you carry on like this you will push her away right into his arms! Speaking as a female with guy friends its difficult thing to handle sometimes. the very nature of the relationship always has a slight sexual pull (remember any female friend relationships that you have). Its how she handles it that is key, she must brush him off playfully without offending him too much if she wants to keep him as a friend. And then carry on right into your arms and let you know that you are number 1. And remember she is an attractive woman she is bound to get attention from other men. You need to look at your self esteem and look at what you are so scared of? Perhaps you shouldn't have fooled around with her when she was with her past boyfriend. Then you wouldn't be so paranoid. Good luck.
Author aduro91 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 So just Memphis Raines thinks there was some flirting going on. Her response to him btw was that if she tried to drive to leeds she would end up in Nottingham where i live, then the other guy said thats a plan! They were obviously joking but I just hated the jokey suggestion that they could meet in a pub instead, seemed flirty. I think what makes me continue to be paranoid is that after I had accused her loads and she says she doesn't fancy him, she recently said that because I keep accusing she "doubts herself". So there is a vicious cycle where I accuse her when I see a text or something, then we argue, I think she thinks less of me and that she "doubts herself" in not liking him, so then I accuse again! ahh anyone have any suggestions other than counseling?
Darren Steez Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Forensic analysis of each little action and every word said...inability to work out this situation on his own..hmm paranoid...nah! I doubt this girl can have any guy friends without every single minutiae of the relationship being picked to death. They might just be going to the pub to have a drink..end of You didn't seem to have trouble messing around with her while she was still with the other guy, so your relationship never started out on solid footing, so now every other guy she gets in contact with is another potential you...in your mind. Either learn to trust her or let her go. You can't force someone to trust someone with the aid of counselling, it has to be a personal decision because at the end of the day, you can't follow her around watching her every movement or looking over her phone to see what kind of texts she is sending to some guy. That's not a relationship, that's just sad.
Author aduro91 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Forensic analysis of each little action and every word said...inability to work out this situation on his own..hmm paranoid...nah! I doubt this girl can have any guy friends without every single minutiae of the relationship being picked to death. They might just be going to the pub to have a drink..end of You didn't seem to have trouble messing around with her while she was still with the other guy, so your relationship never started out on solid footing, so now every other guy she gets in contact with is another potential you...in your mind. Either learn to trust her or let her go. You can't force someone to trust someone with the aid of counselling, it has to be a personal decision because at the end of the day, you can't follow her around watching her every movement or looking over her phone to see what kind of texts she is sending to some guy. That's not a relationship, that's just sad. You're so right. I'm beginning to think im obsessing and accusing her because secretly I want her to, so I can end the relationship. I know if I just leave her, she'll be very depressed and might even hurt herself (I won't go into this, but its not arrogance, its probably true). If she did cheat I could leave guilt free.This is my first relationship and before now I would go to clubs and get with girls and stuff, and it made me confident and happy. I do love this girl and we've had lots of good times but maybe I would prefer to be single? Cos we're quite different in some ways and maybe I would prefer someone more like me and my type. But I'm scared i'll make the wrong decision if I leave, maybe thats why I want no choice i.e. being cheated on
Memphis Raines Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 So just Memphis Raines thinks there was some flirting going on. if you read the responses, at least 2 other people think it was flirting, more to the point, that this guy is flirting with her and making a play at her. And she isn't really nipping it in the bud.
Memphis Raines Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You're so right. I'm beginning to think im obsessing and accusing her because secretly I want her to, so I can end the relationship. I know if I just leave her, she'll be very depressed and might even hurt herself so you should stay with someone forever because you fear they might hurt themselves? and if you think you are obsessing, well then forget it, stay with her, and let her text all the guys she wants.
jnj express Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 If you wanna leave, then leave---stop giving us your BS, excuse about her and how she will react---- Guess what she is a big girl, and she really can take care of her own life I don't know how old you are, but I imagine pretty young, and you are for sure, immature, and naive Best thing for you,---is to stay out of any type of a relationship, for a long while, go out date, have fun, and sow your wild oats
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