kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) My ex and I split up at the end of Feb and I have been trying to maintain no contact ever since... Last week we spoke and it really set me back. I was just beginning to get through a day without intense feelings of loss when I felt plonked back at square one. Anyway now I had a crappy text exchange with him last night that I'm not proud off. The first part was ok then I went to a friends and drank too much (it was Sat night) and when I came back I finished the conversation drunk...never a good idea. I'm now tempted to see if he wants to meet up but I'm 98% sure that's a bad bad idea. I'm not sure what to do. Anyway here are the gruesome details: Him: "How high was your phone bill." (referring to last weeks telephone conversation as it was long and on my landline to his cell) Me: "Don't worry about it." (He said last week that he'd pay something towards it) Him: "I wasn't, I was just playing." (no idea what this means) Me: "Why do you keep contacting me?" (Have asked him since the split to not contact me again.) Him: "****ing hell then sheesh bye" It's at this point that I go out to see a friend a drink too much wine... A few hours later and inebriated Me: "I'm changing my number." Him: "Don't care. I already deleted your number anyway. Can't wait to forget it. Take your grumpy ass and go be a bitch to someone else." Me: "It isn't me contacting you. Remember?! Other people are very happy with my grumpy arse. You're too much of an emotional coward to know what you want. And yes I'm changing my number. Have a good life - such as it is." Him: "Hope the next guy you shag* gives you AIDS" Me: "Anyone would think you gave a ****. What would anyone know? Hate is the counter opposite to love." Before anyone says how stupid this whole thing is - I know. I'm embarrassed writing it out. Why do you think he keeps contacting me? He told me that he doesn't "do" relationships and I know he's into this other girl. I don't think he's seeing anyone else but I'm not getting his insistence on keeping in contact. He was a really crap boyfriend hence the split. I'm not sure whether or not to arrange to meet so we can talk or whether to just leave it and keep moving on. You might be able to see from what I wrote in the text messages (or not) that I'm trying to get him to say how he feels but that probably wasn't apparent to him and I didn't go about it the right way. I am going to change my number as he's just confusing me... Do you think I should call and arrange to meet? Why do you think he keeps contacting me if he doesn't want a relationship and I've already told him that I don't want to be friends... I'm confused again *UK slang for sleep with. Edited May 8, 2011 by kbme311
Fufu Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Breaking NC will bring you back the feelings of confusion and for some people they feel sad/upset/depressed again. He sounded like a very rude person. He said vulgar words and even said this, ""Hope the next guy you shag* gives you AIDS" Why he contacts you? I think he is just looking for someone to pay attention to him. He seems like an attention seeker to me. Ask yourself why do you even want to question yourself about him when he said all those unpleasant words to you. Don't call and don't bother meeting him. If you want to change your number, just do it. Don't hesitate and question your decision if you have already put your heart into it. Always look at a person's actions not their words.
TaraMaiden Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 There is no reason to be confused. There's nothing to be confused about. Really. Don't go looking for what's confusing you, because there is no confusion. You messed up. The way to maintain NC is to never reply to anything, and to never send anything that might elicit a reply. Sorted.
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Breaking NC will bring you back the feelings of confusion and for some people they feel sad/upset/depressed again. He sounded like a very rude person. He said vulgar words and even said this, ""Hope the next guy you shag* gives you AIDS" Why he contacts you? I think he is just looking for someone to pay attention to him. He seems like an attention seeker to me. Ask yourself why do you even want to question yourself about him when he said all those unpleasant words to you. Don't call and don't bother meeting him. If you want to change your number, just do it. Don't hesitate and question your decision if you have already put your heart into it. Always look at a person's actions not their words. You're right and he was rude and disrespectful throughout the relationship. I just assumed that he was angry and upset and when people are angry and upset they try to hurt you. Hence the AIDS comment which I didn't take seriously. My head is telling to change my number and keep moving forward, my heart is saying that he cares about me and there is hope of reconciliation if he makes some changes. You are right about looking at someone's actions, not their words and that's why I finished the relationship because he said he'd do whatever it took to make the relationship work but didn't.
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 There is no reason to be confused. There's nothing to be confused about. Really. Don't go looking for what's confusing you, because there is no confusion. You messed up. The way to maintain NC is to never reply to anything, and to never send anything that might elicit a reply. Sorted. In that case I should change my number as I find it too difficult to not respond. I've already sent off for a sim card to change my service provider as it costs too much to change it. I'm just waiting for my new sim card to arrive...
TaraMaiden Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Like I said - sorted. I'm sorry, what was your problem, again....?
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 I'm sorry, what was your problem, again....? Not being able to let go off someone who treated me like crap?
TheLoneSock Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Exactly what feelings are you trying to get him to admit? And why would it matter, or what would it change for you? If you're only responding in an attempt to extract validation from him, you're fighting an uphill, losing battle. In the snow. With no shoes on. Carrying a heavy backpack. Catch the drift?
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) Exactly what feelings are you trying to get him to admit? And why would it matter, or what would it change for you? If you're only responding in an attempt to extract validation from him, you're fighting an uphill, losing battle. In the snow. With no shoes on. Carrying a heavy backpack. Catch the drift? No I'm not trying to get validation from him - validation for what exactly? I suppose I was trying to get him to tell me why he keeps contacting me when I keep asking him to stop and I do not initiate contact. When I asked him "Why do you keep contacting me?" In an ideal world he would have said, "Because I miss you" I'm trying to get those kinds of feelings out of him. Why would it matter etc? I finished the relationship because of his behaviour. If he told me that he cared about me and wanted us to work and that he was missing me then I would probably give it another go. Since he doesn't and is just defensive and rude all the time, he just pushes us further apart. If he wants us further apart - why is he contacting me? It is a paradox:confused: Edited May 8, 2011 by kbme311
TaraMaiden Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You sound quite young... you're trying to get him to say things he has no intention of saying. Wishful thinking on your part. you're only hurting yourself, so the only course of action open to you - is to go No Contact. No matter whether he contacts you, or not. "Why do you keep contacting me?" "Because I can!" Any response to him puts you into the 'lose' position.
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 You sound quite young... you're trying to get him to say things he has no intention of saying. Wishful thinking on your part. you're only hurting yourself, so the only course of action open to you - is to go No Contact. No matter whether he contacts you, or not. "Why do you keep contacting me?" "Because I can!" Any response to him puts you into the 'lose' position. Immature rather than young;) Yes I suppose I am only hurting myself. I'm now totally confused as to his motives. If he was missing me then that's different to just trying to get some attention. But really, it doesn't matter because it's unlikely the relationship would be different if we tried again. I think changing my number is the best option here...
TaraMaiden Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Immature rather than young;) Better that definition comes from you. Had I said it, it would have sounded insulting. Yes I suppose I am only hurting myself. And this is what you have to tell yourself every time something comes through from him. "If I do this, I'm only hurting myself. Why should I respond?" I'm now totally confused as to his motives. If he was missing me then that's different to just trying to get some attention. You clearly are far from confused. This is precisely the one and only reason he's doing this. He's opening his big Egocentric mouth. And you're feeding it. I think changing my number is the best option here... You 'think'....??
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Better that definition comes from you. Had I said it, it would have sounded insulting. And this is what you have to tell yourself every time something comes through from him. "If I do this, I'm only hurting myself. Why should I respond?" You clearly are far from confused. This is precisely the one and only reason he's doing this. He's opening his big Egocentric mouth. And you're feeding it. You 'think'....?? I'm still in denial!!! I know you're right. I realise I'm in denial. I'm in denial about what an idiot he is and how he treated me. I'm obviously desperately looking for meaning where there isn't any. You really think he just wants attention like a wailing baby? Can't he get that from someone else? So he doesn't have feelings for me. He doesn't want us to get back together he just wants me to give him attention...if we got back together he would lose interest...food for thought and very helpful in the moving on stakes. I'm still in denial as I don't want to hear this. I know it's possibly true and everyone I know can't stand him because of the way he treated me. I know that in six months I'll look back and think urrrgh what in the name of all that's holy, was I doing with him??? I just need to convince myself 100% that he's not worth my time or effort. Yes it's time to change my number...
TaraMaiden Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I'm still in denial!!! I know you're right. I realise I'm in denial. I'm in denial about what an idiot he is and how he treated me. I'm obviously desperately looking for meaning where there isn't any. So...you're NOT in denial. you see it, but you won't accept it. denial is not even seeing it. You really think he just wants attention like a wailing baby? yes. if he wanted to try again, he'd say: please can we try again. All he wants right now, is to see how well he can yank your chain. it's simply a way to confirm in his mind that he still has your attention. Can't he get that from someone else? Does he have anyone else who hangs on his every word, and when he says "Jump!" asks "Sure, how high?" No. So you're the pining, grieving one. You fit the profile. So he doesn't have feelings for me. He doesn't want us to get back together he just wants me to give him attention...if we got back together he would lose interest...food for thought and very helpful in the moving on stakes. See? Not in denial. it's sinking in, isn't it...? I'm still in denial as I don't want to hear this. I know it's possibly true and everyone I know can't stand him because of the way he treated me. You're beginning to see it. You may not want to hear it, but here you are....listening.... Really, when our small voice says 'yeah', and every single other voice is saying 'no', isn't it time we thought about giving in to the majority vote? I know that in six months I'll look back and think urrrgh what in the name of all that's holy, was I doing with him??? No, you won't. It won't take that long. I give it a week.... I just need to convince myself 100% that he's not worth my time or effort. I think you're 95% of the way there. That final 5% sucks tho' don't it....? Yes it's time to change my number... By George she's got it - I think she's got it!! Sing, everybody!!
geegirl Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You may accept who he is but you have hope that he may just turn around even with all the red flags. Stay NC. There is no need to clear confusion because he he won't give you the answers to clear your confusion. If he had that in him, he'd sit you down and explain A-Z about what he is feeling and then respect your feelings and leave you alone, knowing he can't give you what you want. That would be the kind and mature thing to do. He contacts you because he can. Don't try to read into it. It's as simple as that.
JasonRules Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Him: "Hope the next guy you shag* gives you AIDS" Your ex sounds like a keeper. You should definitely pursue him even more.
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Your ex sounds like a keeper. You should definitely pursue him even more. I'm not pursuing him at all
Author kbme311 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 It's beginning to sink in...I'm getting there even though I was very tempted to text him just now to find out why he feels the need to yank my chain as I'm just confused. I'm finding this similar to giving up smoking. You know the habit is bad for you and you will get no benefit from continuing. Yet you still crave smoking. I gave up six years ago and sometimes still want to smoke. I remember when I first gave up it was agony trying to get through the withdrawal symptoms. I know this guy is bad for me and the relationship was terrible. I did the right thing by dumping him and trying to move on. Yet there is still a part of me that wants to go back even though I know it's the wrong thing to do and he is making it harder by contacting me. I remember in the early days of giving up smoking how I had to talk to myself in order not to smoke because I had come so far and couldn't imagine having to go through those withdrawals again. I appreciate what everyone is saying and need that kick up the arse to keep away from him. I suppose it's convincing my heart when my head is already convinced. I have found it very difficult to move on. I am hoping that I will be through the worst of it in a couple of months though. Like smoking, this relationship has no benefits and only harms me.
Fufu Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 You're right and he was rude and disrespectful throughout the relationship. I just assumed that he was angry and upset and when people are angry and upset they try to hurt you. Hence the AIDS comment which I didn't take seriously. My head is telling to change my number and keep moving forward, my heart is saying that he cares about me and there is hope of reconciliation if he makes some changes. You are right about looking at someone's actions, not their words and that's why I finished the relationship because he said he'd do whatever it took to make the relationship work but didn't. Don't assume, he said those hurtful words. People who are understanding and have conscience will not say these kind of words. He doesn't care for you, people who care for you will not say those hurtful words. Just change your number and move on. You feel that it is hard to move on because you think this way. Start telling yourself, moving on is the right thing to do.
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