nyckidd Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 My ex of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. She said that our relationship was unhealthy for both of us, especially her because she began to develop depression. She said she put her all into the relationship and I basically put it on the backburner towards the end. She is right and I do understand what went wrong in the relationship and the flaws that I had that contributed to the relationship failing. In the first week of the breakup I contacted her twice. She picked up right away both times and was never angry at me for calling. I reasoned with her, told her how much I cared etc. But she said right now she feels like this has to be done. She said its really hard for her and that she still has my stuff all around her room. So I accepted and decided to leave her alone. Now since the last contact it seems like she is moving along just fine without me, going out, having fun, seeming happy all the time. I feel like if I continue NC then I will loose her for good. But then the other half of me says if I contact her it will push her away. Idk what to do, all I know is that while im working on myself, I would be lying if I said I didnt want her back and would give anything to be with her. I havent acted desperate towards her, or sent flowers or any of those other things that all sound pretty weak, and I dont plan on doing that. But maybe I should reach out to her so she knows I care for her so much and want to be with her and make things work. I am very confused and having a hard time thinking clearly. Does any one have advice or have been in a similar situation?
ilovedhim Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 You already told her you want to work on the relationship, she declined. She told you she needs space and not to contact her, you have to respect that. If you haven't told her everything you'd like, my advice would be to put it into an email, making it clear you will not be contacting her, that she would have to make the first move. And get your stuff. You're just torturing yourself like this and ruining any chance at a reconciliation.
Xyrodon Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I'm going through something similar as well, I was with my ex for over 6 years, we were also engaged. If she was depressed and now she's doing well, I'd be very happy for her. I know the fear you feel, I'm in the same boat. I'm continue with the NC rule. I've also read a lot of those on line "get your ex back" books and they're ****. I can break them down into a few rules: Firstly, NC seems to be about YOU and getting over her. She won't come back cuz of NC, and NC is about giving them much needed space. Secondly, they talk about "getting in shape" and such IF your ex ever sees you again. That's fine, only problem is I'm a competitive athlete and my bodyfat is under 10%. One of the products I got actually gave me a fitness tip book. What a load of crap. Best advice is to develop yourself. This is IMPORTANT. I used to do this a lot and I slacked off on it. Improve yourself, fix your flaws and be the person you want to be to yourself before you be that person to her. Not the best advice from these books and on line gurus I suppose since most of this advice can be found for free on these forums. I'm probably gonna get railed since this forum has a lot of females but I must express this opinion. Girls get over guys much faster. Guys are always going after this "one special girl" and girl's never seem to run out of options. Best of luck to us both
Author nyckidd Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 You already told her you want to work on the relationship, she declined. She told you she needs space and not to contact her, you have to respect that. If you haven't told her everything you'd like, my advice would be to put it into an email, making it clear you will not be contacting her, that she would have to make the first move. And get your stuff. You're just torturing yourself like this and ruining any chance at a reconciliation. I meant my stuff as in pictures, cards etc. I dont want that stuff back. And so you think remaining NC is the best way to here?
justagirrl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I'm going through something similar as well, I was with my ex for over 6 years, we were also engaged. If she was depressed and now she's doing well, I'd be very happy for her. I know the fear you feel, I'm in the same boat. I'm continue with the NC rule. I've also read a lot of those on line "get your ex back" books and they're ****. I can break them down into a few rules: Firstly, NC seems to be about YOU and getting over her. She won't come back cuz of NC, and NC is about giving them much needed space. Secondly, they talk about "getting in shape" and such IF your ex ever sees you again. That's fine, only problem is I'm a competitive athlete and my bodyfat is under 10%. One of the products I got actually gave me a fitness tip book. What a load of crap. Best advice is to develop yourself. This is IMPORTANT. I used to do this a lot and I slacked off on it. Improve yourself, fix your flaws and be the person you want to be to yourself before you be that person to her. Not the best advice from these books and on line gurus I suppose since most of this advice can be found for free on these forums. I'm probably gonna get railed since this forum has a lot of females but I must express this opinion. Girls get over guys much faster. Guys are always going after this "one special girl" and girl's never seem to run out of options. Best of luck to us both Is that really true about girls getting over guys faster? If so...I've been trying so hard to keep NC and I broke it when he texted me first after 3 days NC. Does that mean he missed me and was thinking about me? He was asking lots of questions like how are you? where are you? stuff like that... I almost feel like he's just gonna think I want to move on and just let that happen so he doesn't have the burden of actually ending things. When I look back on things (we've been dating for 5 months, but not in an "official" relationship yet =/ ) he used to text me first all the time, and then that stopped and when i texted him first he would be just as enthusiastic as he normally is. I regret texting him first all the time because now I feel like that made me seem "needy." From a guy's perspective....is that true? and do you think NC will work again since it did the first time?
loverboy1984 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 -dumpers get over the dumpee faster -Girls dumpers get over guy dumpees faster -Girl dumpers with a guy in mind or GIGS get over a guy dumpee faster -Guy dumpers get over girl dumpers temporarily but come back later -Guy dumpers with another girl in mind get over girl dumpee fast but guilt trip her into thinking he loves her but she messed up When I go out to a bar and I see a girl who just dumped her bf she is always out with her friends smiling, hair done, nails done, dancing......When I go see my guy friends who were dumped they are all unshaven, unshowered, drinking/smoking, quiet, lost. so yea girls in general do get over it faster but it is facilitated when they are the dumper. and Girls are convinced by their friends to dump a guy. Guys dont get convinced by their friends. Guys feel left out of the single life when they see their single guy friends partying and having fun while they are attached. My guy friends didnt like my GF but then never told me to break up. They respected her. My GF's friends who dont even know me heard a few things and convinced her to drop me like a hat. Thats just my $0.02USD
VJohnson32 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 It has nothing to do with gender. Its ridiculous. Women and men are equally emotional creatures, however men may not show it as much as women but they share the same qualities and trades. Its all about how much emotionally have you invested in that person. If a person break ups with you and moves on in less than a month it means he/she was never there emotionally. On top of all that younger college or high school kids tend to move on quicker with their lifes than older individuals. Since most relationship involving college kids are basically long lasting flings. Also confidence is the key and not gender.
geegirl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 -dumpers get over the dumpee faster -Girls dumpers get over guy dumpees faster -Girl dumpers with a guy in mind or GIGS get over a guy dumpee faster -Guy dumpers get over girl dumpers temporarily but come back later -Guy dumpers with another girl in mind get over girl dumpee fast but guilt trip her into thinking he loves her but she messed up When I go out to a bar and I see a girl who just dumped her bf she is always out with her friends smiling, hair done, nails done, dancing......When I go see my guy friends who were dumped they are all unshaven, unshowered, drinking/smoking, quiet, lost. so yea girls in general do get over it faster but it is facilitated when they are the dumper. and Girls are convinced by their friends to dump a guy. Guys dont get convinced by their friends. Guys feel left out of the single life when they see their single guy friends partying and having fun while they are attached. My guy friends didnt like my GF but then never told me to break up. They respected her. My GF's friends who dont even know me heard a few things and convinced her to drop me like a hat. Thats just my $0.02USD I don't know where you get your statistics from but post behaviors and coping methods after a breakup are not gender specific.
betterdeal Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 2 weeks is a short time. Take the opportunity of this break to consider what you'd like a relationship to be like, what annoyed you about her, what weaknesses you have in terms of communicating with each other, and learn to relax and enjoy your self. Depression at the end of a relationship is common. In my case, I had exhausted all other avenues to revive or survive the relationship problems and became exhausted, hence my body and subconscious decided to go into power-save mode. Getting back together will most likely work if it's a gentle, slow process, where you work to understand one another and be kind to each other.
Author nyckidd Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 2 weeks is a short time. Take the opportunity of this break to consider what you'd like a relationship to be like, what annoyed you about her, what weaknesses you have in terms of communicating with each other, and learn to relax and enjoy your self. Depression at the end of a relationship is common. In my case, I had exhausted all other avenues to revive or survive the relationship problems and became exhausted, hence my body and subconscious decided to go into power-save mode. Getting back together will most likely work if it's a gentle, slow process, where you work to understand one another and be kind to each other. This makes alot of sense. My only concern is when to contact her, or maybe just not contact her at all. I have been thinking alot about my flaws, as well as hers, and why the relationship failed. I can truly say that all the answers I have come up with are very clear.
betterdeal Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 That sounds encouraging. I know this is going to sound a little didactic, but think of it as an outline for entering into discussions about possible reconciliation: The aim is to clear up any misunderstandings, to listen to one another, and to consider and agree to (if you wish to) further action, and make this into a mutual growth period in your relationship if possible, or to lay it to rest and move on. Both make a list of things that annoy you about the other. Detail what it is that annoys you, how that makes you feel, what you'd like to happen instead. For example: You not washing the dishes (what you do) Annoys me (how I feel) You to do housework (what I want) Then meet up and discuss your lists with each other. This is an information sharing time, not an accusation time. You're going to work together to see how the other sees things, see if you can agree to specific improvements, mend what is broken. It may take some time and more than one discussion. In fact, this kind of feedback process can be a very valuable part of a healthy relationship ongoing. It helps each to calibrate and refine their actions to keep the relationship healthy, enjoyable, trusting and affectionate. When you discuss your lists, some things might throw you off kilter. It's okay to: - say I don't know - say I need some time to think about that - say no - change your mind - agree to discuss it another time Both of you need to pay attention to your feelings when you have these discussions. If you feel overwhelmed, shocked, frightened or such like, take breath, say you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and need some time to process the feelings. The aim here is to let your fearful feelings flow, but not let them rule the discussion or relationship. You take them outside of the discussion and process them in a safe way. When it comes to what you both think you can learn and improve on yourself, you can discuss this with each other, acting as counsel for one another, with the listener being a sounding board not an instructor for the other. Maybe suggesting resources the other can use (web sites, fora, therapy, books) but still bearing in mind all the time how what you're discussing make you feel. How does this sound to you? As for when to contact her, as soon as you feel ready to.
Sassygirl2 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 nyckidd, I think you should wait a little longer before contacting her. 2 weeks doesn't seem like a long enough time to me BUT then again, I know how you feel. When you've been together for 2 years and then all of a sudden they are gone. Like going 100mph to 0mph in an instant. Good luck and let us know what happens.
Author nyckidd Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 nyckidd, I think you should wait a little longer before contacting her. 2 weeks doesn't seem like a long enough time to me BUT then again, I know how you feel. When you've been together for 2 years and then all of a sudden they are gone. Like going 100mph to 0mph in an instant. Good luck and let us know what happens. That is a very good way of describing it. I think I will remain NC i just dont want to push her away, (Ive done that before with an ex and after a week of begging she shut me out of her life completley.)
Author nyckidd Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 That sounds encouraging. I know this is going to sound a little didactic, but think of it as an outline for entering into discussions about possible reconciliation: The aim is to clear up any misunderstandings, to listen to one another, and to consider and agree to (if you wish to) further action, and make this into a mutual growth period in your relationship if possible, or to lay it to rest and move on. Both make a list of things that annoy you about the other. Detail what it is that annoys you, how that makes you feel, what you'd like to happen instead. For example: You not washing the dishes (what you do) Annoys me (how I feel) You to do housework (what I want) Then meet up and discuss your lists with each other. This is an information sharing time, not an accusation time. You're going to work together to see how the other sees things, see if you can agree to specific improvements, mend what is broken. It may take some time and more than one discussion. In fact, this kind of feedback process can be a very valuable part of a healthy relationship ongoing. It helps each to calibrate and refine their actions to keep the relationship healthy, enjoyable, trusting and affectionate. When you discuss your lists, some things might throw you off kilter. It's okay to: - say I don't know - say I need some time to think about that - say no - change your mind - agree to discuss it another time Both of you need to pay attention to your feelings when you have these discussions. If you feel overwhelmed, shocked, frightened or such like, take breath, say you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and need some time to process the feelings. The aim here is to let your fearful feelings flow, but not let them rule the discussion or relationship. You take them outside of the discussion and process them in a safe way. When it comes to what you both think you can learn and improve on yourself, you can discuss this with each other, acting as counsel for one another, with the listener being a sounding board not an instructor for the other. Maybe suggesting resources the other can use (web sites, fora, therapy, books) but still bearing in mind all the time how what you're discussing make you feel. How does this sound to you? As for when to contact her, as soon as you feel ready to. This all sounds excellent! The only problem, I dont know if she would be willing to do this since she had made it clear last week that this is what she needs to do.
betterdeal Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Yeah, you'll have to use your own discretion as to when to start negotiations. All you can know is how you feel. When you feel confident enough you can take flat out rejection (worst case scenario) then that's when you'll be best placed to suggest this process to her. I suggest a call not a text or email to initiate contact. If that goes okay, perhaps send her a copy of that post to her to consider. Regards the phone call, be clear about why you're calling. Avoid slipping into small-talk and make the call at a time that you know she's normally lucid e.g. Sunday afternoon not 3am on a Tuesday. Something like this might do it: Hello you. I've been thinking about us and came across some advice about how we might be able to reconnect with each other. It's a bit long for a phone call so would it be okay to send it to you by email, just for you to think about? You get my drift?
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