Toby's update....and it's all good!

[tobydog1]

Well, I am at the 8 month point and will soon be divorced.

 

I cannot believe what despair I went through, the darkness, illness and suffering. I have to say Thanks, you guys, you really helped me so much.

 

I am still sad but actually quite Ok now. the hurt and anger and drama queen bitterness is all gone. I can talk civily to my ex and be totally normal with him now. I am over him! I have no desire to text him etc only re our son.

It does help that I went to the other side of the world to do some work in South Africa. Not only does this give you some perspective when you see how some other people live but you realise it is a big wide world out there and my problems are minimal to what some others have to contend with.

 

A tiny flingette also helped! I am fanciable after all!

 

And an old b/f is knocking on my door so to speak too, so another flingette on the cards! Does wonders for the confidence and self esteem.

And I know that I will find someone else to look after us and take care of us and love us.

 

Also keeping busy playing golf, my 5 yo is having lessons too, and going out andbeing active, I am my old self, laughing and funny and actually enjoying life and looking to the future. I NEVER would have thought that possible several months ago. I thought my life was over.

 

I have also learned a lot too about myself and how to handle things.

 

I have cleaned the house from top to bottom, done loads of jobs that I never thought I could do and started to cook again.

 

So all is good.

Please don't think I am being smug, no doubt I will have downers esp when the D comes through but all in all life is good.

 

All I can hope is that someone who is in that bottomless pit of anguish and despair...read my story which is bad and take some comfort from it.

 

You'll come through it too.

 

Take care all my friends, I wish you all the best x

 

No I am not going from here, you've been so great to me, maybe I can help out too.

 

A good moment for me was on the Gandhi Salt March in Durban where I read this quote in the settlement where he lived...

Forgiveness is giving up my right to punish you for hurting me.

 

And that is what I had been doing.

xxx

[fltc]

I'm very glad to hear of your recovery, it seems almost complete now.

 

You're a great example of how people CAN recover no matter how bleak things appear, time really does heal.

 

Now that all is OK, maybe you could come clean my house too?

[tobydog1]

Sure will!

 

Now all I really need to do is stop smoking......

 

I did it before, I am sure I can do it again!

Dx

[Yasuandio]

Dear Deb,

Could this be the completion of the new phase I sensed you were entering a while back? It was very strange, and, at least to my perception, a complete about face. It would be interesting to go back and see when I noticed it, and when you questioned me for more details. I would really like to know if you saw any correlation between what I sensed and what actually occured.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if I still "got it go'in on" in that department. I am so curious. Would you look back at our conversations, and my answers to you and compare your new experiences and transition? I mean, you are totally different you know. When I was sensing it,you seemed to be totally unaware. Now what I sensed has blossomed into a "Deb" who is more peaceful, centered, together, no longer scattered and angry -- all that's gone.

 

In fact, I think it would be very informative for you to start at the beginning so you can really conceptualize how rapidly this transition occured. Let me know. I seaching for a new path, and new goals, that is why I'm interested in examing the quality, validity, and reliability of anything I may have suggested or predicted (which may be zero). Just be honest, I can handle it. Thank YAS

[PollyIvy]

Thanks for this inspiring post. After the darkness: the light. I'm plugging away, putting my head down and plowing through this pain.

For me, THE most difficult thing of ALL is this: letting go of him.

Dunno why, you would think the infidelity and the emotional abuse would be worse, but nope. It's letting go - hard.

But getting there.....

We are also moving very very very very far away from one another. I'm talking continents away. It will be a fresh start for me and my kids.

You are a star for taking good care of your boy.

And I am sure that you are totally fanciable! Strong, independent woman!

Best of luck

Polly

[tobydog1]

Yas,

Hi there! How are you doing?

 

Yes you did sense it tho I didn't. Very intuitive of you.

Yes I am my old self, all my anger has dissipated. I cannot put my finger on when, it was a gradual realisation that he has gone, never to come back and that I either go under or get up and about again. Having my son is a key, I can't let him down or wallow and cry all the time. We had 3/4 months of that. I just watched him one day playing and thought I can't do this to him any longer......

The great weather helped too, went out for walks and played golf etc Felt better for that. I have always strived to be the best in all I do (well maybe not as a wife) but I am focussed on golf and being a great player.

Tho that had to be when I was ready. None of this go out salsa dancing stuff would have worked when I was in the doldrums.

You just cannot do it! You have to be ready and it does happen.

And my trip to S Africa was a real boost. When you see such poverty you realise your problems are rather minimal. The kids have nothing and that gave me a lot of things to think about.

And having my picture taken with my giraffe in the wild and he put his head down so I could stroke his muzzle.....Awesome

And of course the flingettes! They have helped immensely, there are guys that like me and fancy me! WOOHOO.

 

I am not bragging believe me, I was at ROCK bottom a while ago but ya know as everyone says

Time is the healer. Sink or swim and all the other platitudes. But they are true.

 

Anyway how are you doing?

 

let me know asap

love Debs x

[tobydog1]

Polly,

 

Thanks for the reply.....yes, you do just have to plough through it. And we do! It is hard and you feel such despair and upset and anger and a million other emotions....

Letting go has to be done...once you KNOW there is no return.

And that is a key thing too: when you know there is no going back. I used to dream of him coming back....now I know that cannot happen for many reasons.

And moving or going away is a real deal breaker too. You just kinda realise that there is a bigger world out there and others in it too.

I really helped a little girl in Africa who had Aids. I loved her and she loved me. I made her life a little bit better and felt so proud of what I had done for that little mite.....

I know now why people take off to do good stuff, I may just do the same. Take my boy and go.....

 

I wish you all the best, it will all come together for you and your kids

 

Take care and in touch

 

Debs x

[just_some_guy]

I apologize for being harsh previously. Wish you and your child all the best.

[Yasuandio]

cDeb, the turn around was so quick it's almost bizarre. It was only a month or two, after I gave you that terrible strurn talk'in to, remember?!?! Then, suddenly, a calmness, peace, acceptance came to you, like, totally overnight. I just was stunned! All the anger was gone - just like that. Miracle, God. Whatever it is, this wonderful change in your spirit has become even more enhanced since you've arrived home from the trip. Your text glows like a rainbow before my eyes! I am so happy for you.:bunny::bunny:

Edited May 8, 2011 by Yasuandio

[tobydog1]

Just some guy

 

Thanks, that means a lot!

 

Yas

Yes it is quite bizarre, I just don't know how it all happened...time I guess

 

Debsx

[tobydog1]

As of Tuesday 17th May at 10 am, I will be divorced. Just heard now....

 

I feel sad but glad that it has been so uncomplicated too.

Actually I feel very sorry for him as well. But I am OK and don't think it will be the downer that I anticipated

 

Debx