TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I find it hilarious when a woman thinks that she understands how men feel about sex. If that was aimed at me, could you clarify where you think I have inferred that?
Green Light Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 All I can say about this subject is that I am a 40 year old male and I have hormones and a sex drive. When I am having sex the rest of the world melts away and I am totally in the moment. I also enjoy touching my wife and seeing her in a state of pleasure and I am very attracted to her. Plus it's one of those things that make you a closer couple. In my mind sex is a win-win situation all around. The people that I don't understand are the ones who have an aversion to sex. Why wouldn't you want to spend some time doing something that feels good and brings two people closer? What in these people's minds make sex feel more like a chore than a pleasure?
Green Light Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 My guess is that the emotions came along with monogamy. If you are ONLY having sex with the person you love, then sex gets pretty closely tied to love. Probably monogamy complicates it unnecessarily I agree. The more I read these threads the more it seems that men and women shouldn't be tied sexually to one person for life. The thing that complicates the situation is children. Monogamy really exists for the children's benefits.
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 OP, welcome to LS Was your wife molested sexually as a child/young woman?
KikiW Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 All I can say about this subject is that I am a 40 year old male and I have hormones and a sex drive. When I am having sex the rest of the world melts away and I am totally in the moment. I also enjoy touching my wife and seeing her in a state of pleasure and I am very attracted to her. Plus it's one of those things that make you a closer couple. In my mind sex is a win-win situation all around. The people that I don't understand are the ones who have an aversion to sex. Why wouldn't you want to spend some time doing something that feels good and brings two people closer? What in these people's minds make sex feel more like a chore than a pleasure? Put yourself in a woman's place where she has an aversion. Maybe to her, orgasms feel good, but everything surrounding them does not. Maybe she knows she will get messy, and have to take another shower so that she doesn't smell like decaying semen when she wakes the kids up for school the next day. Or maybe her partner enjoys sex acts that may seem pretty vanilla, but leave her feeling dirty, used, or ashamed. Or maybe she is tired of having to change and wash the sheets again. Or maybe she comes from an upbringing where sex was bad, and for a while she was able to let her inner rebel out but now after house and kids and job and whatever, those inner voices are coming out. While I do not have a sexless marriage, some of those very things do pop into my head when I know my husband is up for some fun. I've learned to have things ready, wait until the evening to shower, heck I even bought one of those velvety throw blankets that are actually waterproof so that I don't have to change the sheets every time. I am not saying OPs wife is thinking all that, but maybe she is. What I am appalled at is her use of a sex as a weapon. Teasing him with "well I was GOING to have sex with you, but..." - that is HORRIBLE. 15 times in nearly 3 years is pretty atrocious and they NEED to have an honest discussion about it. They need to find out why she is withholding sex, and what they can do to compromise so that both partners get what they need.
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 ...15 times in nearly 3 years is pretty atrocious. Try 5 or 6 times in 20 years..... *waves*
musemaj11 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 If that was aimed at me, could you clarify where you think I have inferred that? You did. You argued in a way that attempted to convince us that sex is not as important as we make it to be. But this is false from male viewpoint. For healthy men, sex is like water and food. We are under constant biological pressure to release sperm the same way we are under constant pressure to eat and drink. You are never going to hear a man making a similar argument that makes light of the need of sex because as a man he knows better,
tranquility Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 You did. You argued in a way that attempted to convince us that sex is not as important as we make it to be. But this is false from male viewpoint. For healthy men, sex is like water and food. We are under constant biological pressure to release sperm the same way we are under constant pressure to eat and drink. You are never going to hear a man making a similar argument that makes light of the need of sex because as a man he knows better, Hello all ... this is my first post on this forum. Looking forward to some engaging conversations. I must beg to differ on this statement. My H and I've been married for 28 years and we have only had sex 4 -5 times/year throughout our marriage. Not due to my issues, but HIS. He told our counselor last time that he just has never liked sex that much, doesn't masturbate, doesn't watch porn ... he just has no drive. Guess why we're in counseling???
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hello all ... this is my first post on this forum. Looking forward to some engaging conversations. I must beg to differ on this statement. My H and I've been married for 28 years and we have only had sex 4 -5 times/year throughout our marriage. Not due to my issues, but HIS. He told our counselor last time that he just has never liked sex that much, doesn't masturbate, doesn't watch porn ... he just has no drive. Guess why we're in counseling??? Sorry that you put yourself in that position and 28 years later figured it may be a problem???? What took you so long and why do you think anything can come of it this late in the game?
KikiW Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Try 5 or 6 times in 20 years..... *waves* Dear gods, woman. I am dumbfounded.
tranquility Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Sorry that you put yourself in that position and 28 years later figured it may be a problem???? What took you so long and why do you think anything can come of it this late in the game? Oh believe me, I've talked to him about it many times over our marriage. But nothing ever changed. Why did I stay? Good question ... I'm afraid of change, too much effort to leave, etc. But I'm at a point where I told him in counseling that it's just gone so long now that I don't even WANT sex anymore. I have absolutely no desire - that part of me is dead and I will not have sex anymore, not that its any kind of an issue for him. He had nothing to say. So now I'm just trying to move past it and accept that that aspect of my life is over. He's a good man otherwise - a good family man, doesnt cheat or drink to excess. We're just roommates and have been for most of our marriage ... well, all of it actually. And now that my sex drive is dead ... it doesnt matter anyway.
musemaj11 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hello all ... this is my first post on this forum. Looking forward to some engaging conversations. I must beg to differ on this statement. My H and I've been married for 28 years and we have only had sex 4 -5 times/year throughout our marriage. Not due to my issues, but HIS. He told our counselor last time that he just has never liked sex that much, doesn't masturbate, doesn't watch porn ... he just has no drive. Guess why we're in counseling??? But you can cope with it. You want it but you don't need it. Sex for women is like chocolate while for men its like bread and water.
carhill Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I'd love to hear from the ladies on that topic (bread and water). From my viewpoint as a former husband, I think sex and feeling sexually desired is a critical issue for most women. Obviously some will differ and not be interested in the act at all, but I think, even in those cases, their 'bread and water' is that they feel the sexual desire from their spouses, even if, at the cruel end, it's unrequited. In those cases, it's 'sex' for their brain rather than their genitals. The few times in my M I experienced marked and obvious proactive sexual desire from my spouse, rather than merely a response to my interest and desire, I can say it was a powerfully positive feeling. Most men could probably care less about that as long as they're 'getting some', but it was meaningful to me. The sometimes confusing disconnect was that, concurrent with this proactive expression, she expressed disdain and annoyance that she had to 'approach' me. I'll await the OP's response to my question before commenting further....
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Oh believe me, I've talked to him about it many times over our marriage. But nothing ever changed. Why did I stay? Good question ... I'm afraid of change, too much effort to leave, etc. .....We're just roommates and have been for most of our marriage ... well, all of it actually. And now that my sex drive is dead ... it doesnt matter anyway. Carbon copy my dear. I know how you feel. Trust me - it's not dead. it's dormant. I thought I too had lost all verve and desire after such a long and fruitless relationship. I am now with a man I am marrying in 10 days, and things are, shall we emphasise, very much alive, awakened and kicking. I'm 54, and please believe me when I tell you - it's there. You may not feel it or believe it, but it is. musemaj11, I was pondering but not ascribing such sentiments to either gender. Which is precisely why I omitted to mention any specific gender-preference. I never mentioned that men seem to look at porn more than women, or that the majority of those having affairs with married people are women. This would have been stereotypical, which is why I kept all specifics or gendered stereotypes out. You may believe the implications were pointed. They were not. I merely threw discussion into the ring to elicit different responses. Some while ago, I would have agreed with your statement regarding 'chocolate' and 'bread and water'. I no longer think it correct. But in and of itself, it seems a skewered view. Bread and water is mean sustenance, almost a punishment, being deprived of the true tasty, tempting and appetising morsels but being instead provided with the meanest supply necessary to keep the heart beating. I don't think men see having sex as that. I think most men attach more significance to it than that. As for women seeing sex like chocolate, i think that also is a weird analogy. Chocolate is a tempting treat but one with undesirable consequences if indulged in to excess. Something to be held in abeyance as a treat. That too, is erroneous, in my view. Women have developed a more open, demanding and healthy sexuality. many more men than ever before, are experiencing difficulties with sex, for many different reasons, may they be physical or psychological. There are many more threads on here (more than I would have expected, but less, I suspect than gives a realistic picture) discussing impotence, erectile dysfunction and loss of libido in men, than even I thought there would be. Stereotyping men and women into two camps is no longer possible. Maybe once it might have been. There again, people are far more open to discussing carnal matters than they once were. there are countless threads on here discussing sexual persuasions and preferences. Such discussion would have been unthinkable ten to 20 years ago. Maybe people are just more open and honest about matters which have in fact always existed to one degree or another.... Sex complicates matters. And complicated sexual issues blur the edges even more. There are no longer definitive male or female issues. I think we're all subject to the same issues as one another, regardless of gender.
tranquility Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Carbon copy my dear. I know how you feel. Trust me - it's not dead. it's dormant. I thought I too had lost all verve and desire after such a long and fruitless relationship. I am now with a man I am marrying in 10 days, and things are, shall we emphasise, very much alive, awakened and kicking. I'm 54, and please believe me when I tell you - it's there. You may not feel it or believe it, but it is. So I assume then that you somehow removed yourself from the sexless relationship? If my assumption is right I'm very happy for you. It sounds like you've moved on and found a more compatible partner. But since that's not an option for me ... I don't WANT to feel it anymore. I want it to stay dead since that's the future I'm looking at. But for those who manage to move beyond it ... I'm very happy for you and wish you the best of luck.
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Why can't you move on? Why do you feel it is compulsory or mandatory to remain where you are? To what end will this sacrifice benefit anyone?
tranquility Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 (edited) Why can't you move on? Why do you feel it is compulsory or mandatory to remain where you are? To what end will this sacrifice benefit anyone? Because I just can't end a 30 year relationship ... all the history that we have together. I just turned 50 and at this point in my life I just do NOT want to be starting over. Especially over something I've lived with for 28 years. Hardly seems fair to change the rules of the game now. Edited May 14, 2011 by tranquility added stuff
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 But you can cope with it. You want it but you don't need it. Sex for women is like chocolate while for men its like bread and water. Dear god, you are an annoying troll. Did you even read her post? What she said is her husband doesn't want sex, while she does. So how do you reconcile that to your bitter, narrow-minded worldview? I can easily add another example to that from my own life, with one of my previous exes when I was in my early 20s (and he similarly aged) who, after the honeymoon period wore off, was pretty much completely uninterested in sex, despite claiming to be crazily attracted to me. So yeah, maybe you just need to get out more and expand your horizons. As for the OP, two wrongs/manipulations don't make a right...
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Because I just can't end a 30 year relationship ... all the history that we have together. I just turned 50 and at this point in my life I just do NOT want to be starting over. Especially over something I've lived with for 28 years. Hardly seems fair to change the rules of the game now. In that case forgive the bluntness, but you get everything that's coming to you, and you have no right to complain. I had two children and ended a 26-year marriage because it really wasn't worth wasting my time there any more. I still have a full life to live and so much to give. I was damned if I was going to waste it away, sacrificing my future for some idealistic notion that frankly nobody was ever going to thank me for. What history? is it earth-shattering? Does it change the course of world events? Hasn't it passed in the twinkling of an eye? Now this history is all in the past, what exactly are you going to do with it? Enshrine it under a crystal dome for all to view? History means nothing. If you really believe this history is worth living for - now that it's gone and in the past - then you've actually given up all hope of a better future for yourself. I don't know what 'rules' you are referring to, but if I'm not wrong, he changed them and moved the goalposts years ago. He withheld his part of the bargain. Part of marriage is to have a sexual relationship with your spouse. He denied you that, and as such, there are therefore no rules for you to stick to. Why would you continue sticking to the rules, if he didn't, long ago? Look, stay if you want to, but if this is your choice, you have no grounds for complaint. You can leave. you would be entirely justified in leaving. There is absolutely really no reason under these circumstances to continue. The blame for this predicament is his. The responsibility for your fulfilment and future is entirely yours. Forgive my harshness, but honestly - this is futile and ridiculous, and with the greatest of respect for one woman to another - you sound like a martyr, but there is no just cause. It's a foolish objective, and you really do deserve better. You can have better. "Better" exists. You just need to summon up the courage to understand, know and believe, that things will be better. But the way things are at the moment for you? There is no hope for you to resolve anything. Counselling or no counselling. How's that working for you, by the way.....? Hugs. TM
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 In that case forgive the bluntness, but you get everything that's coming to you, and you have no right to complain. I had two children and ended a 26-year marriage because it really wasn't worth wasting my time there any more. I still have a full life to live and so much to give. I was damned if I was going to waste it away, sacrificing my future for some idealistic notion that frankly nobody was ever going to thank me for. What history? is it earth-shattering? Does it change the course of world events? Hasn't it passed in the twinkling of an eye? Now this history is all in the past, what exactly are you going to do with it? Enshrine it under a crystal dome for all to view? History means nothing. If you really believe this history is worth living for - now that it's gone and in the past - then you've actually given up all hope of a better future for yourself. I don't know what 'rules' you are referring to, but if I'm not wrong, he changed them and moved the goalposts years ago. He withheld his part of the bargain. Part of marriage is to have a sexual relationship with your spouse. He denied you that, and as such, there are therefore no rules for you to stick to. Why would you continue sticking to the rules, if he didn't, long ago? Look, stay if you want to, but if this is your choice, you have no grounds for complaint. You can leave. you would be entirely justified in leaving. There is absolutely really no reason under these circumstances to continue. The blame for this predicament is his. The responsibility for your fulfilment and future is entirely yours. Forgive my harshness, but honestly - this is futile and ridiculous, and with the greatest of respect for one woman to another - you sound like a martyr, but there is no just cause. It's a foolish objective, and you really do deserve better. You can have better. "Better" exists. You just need to summon up the courage to understand, know and believe, that things will be better. But the way things are at the moment for you? There is no hope for you to resolve anything. Counselling or no counselling. How's that working for you, by the way.....? Hugs. TM You're absolutely right TM, except for the highlighted part. It was always this from day one and continues to be the same. Frankly I have no idea why tranquility chose this thread to make her first posts..... Yes tranquility has come to the right place, just perplexed at her decisions.
tranquility Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I chose this thread because I took exception to the first post I quoted about men always wanting sex and the women withholding it ... I wanted to point out that its certainly not always that way. I've been reading posts for quite a while and felt comfortable posting. I'm certainly not trying to be argumentative ... I'm honestly trying to understand and see your points of view. I don't see how you can say history means nothing. We have a family unit and I just don't want my potential "happiness" to come at the expense of 3 other people's misery. I just can't do that. And its not like I'm so miserable. We have good jobs, a nice home, land, horses, a son who'll be a senior in college. Do I resent the lack of sex all these years? Yes, absolutely and I've told him that in counseling. But to leave for that reason alone, with no guarantee that life would be "better" ... it's just not something I'm willing to do. It's just not a big enough motivating factor to me to shake things up that much. I guess I was complaining and you're probably right ... it gets to me every once in awhile. But since my choice is to stay I've tried to deal with it as best I can. But I just get really mad when men assume that it's always the women who don't want sex. I just couldn't keep my "mouth" shut. Thanks for your viewpoints.
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 (edited) I chose this thread because I took exception to the first post I quoted about men always wanting sex and the women withholding it ... I wanted to point out that its certainly not always that way. That's totally legitimate. I've been reading posts for quite a while and felt comfortable posting. That's a good thing. I really hope I have not altered that comfort and created a resentment in you.... I'm certainly not trying to be argumentative ... I'm honestly trying to understand and see your points of view. I think one of the dreadful things about living like this for such a long time, is that you start believing you're the only ones with this problem. At least, I did. And after a while, you begin to think that you've pretty much got a handle on how things are, and you can't see the wood for the trees. Let me give you a completely disconnected example. I work in a specialist retail food outlet. Our shelf units have a heading at the top of each unit, describing the products below. Oils, vinegars, sauces, crisp- breads, pastas.... that kind of thing. For nearly 2 years, everything stayed under those headings, because my boss (not a retail manager, historically - he came from the world of banking) decided that if Head office had labelled everything in that way, then it must have been the way they wanted it.... I protested that the layout had become 'tired', uninteresting and over-familiar to clients, and that basically, as people walked into the shop, heading for the Bistro at the rear - they were missing all the goods on display. This was confirmed by several clients who, having eaten in the bistro, were advised we had the same products they'd enjoyed for a meal, in the shop too. Something they had been completely unaware of and blind to... Retail sales fell to an embarrassing level. One day, entirely of my own volition, I took down the shelf headings, and swapped everything round. I cleared the shelves, mixed pastas with sauces, oils with vinegars, pates with crisp-breads, and gave the whole place a total transformation. Sales that day, rocketed. And with constant change, up-date and freshening up, sales continue to remain buoyant.... My boss, who initially had been quite cross and resistant to the changes, had to admit that it was an improvement - to say the least. "Well, I thought HO wanted everything to stay as it was...I thought that swapping things about would go against policy." I replied, "Yes. But a 'thought' is only a thought. And a thought can be changed." When you've existed within a limbo for so long, you not only begin to believe that this is the way things are, but this is the way they always will be - and that furthermore, implementing a complete 180 will go "against policy". But that's not true. Thousands here will attest to heartbreak while standing still, and liberation by moving. Many people here wish "they'd done *something8 sooner. Many others feel vindicated and whole again, after doing what they most feared. Altering their opinions, and changing their points of View. I don't see how you can say history means nothing. We have a family unit and I just don't want my potential "happiness" to come at the expense of 3 other people's misery. I just can't do that. And its not like I'm so miserable. We have good jobs, a nice home, land, horses, a son who'll be a senior in college. Perhaps a glimpse into my "history" may help. Successful and extremely experienced husband. one of the top in his field. helped to pioneer a new system of computing where he became one of the 4 leading experts on the system. Commanded a highly respectable six-figure salary. Travelled globally to America, Europe, and the far East teaching companies about said system, and over-seeing installation and maintenance. Two beautiful children, with whom I stayed home, and brought up. I involved myself 110% in their schooling, upbringing and formation, and became heavily involved in school activities as a parent Governor. I worked with an association dealing with relationships and ran marriage workshops. Took a Relationships Counselling course with them, and would have qualified, but we moved to another country, where we bought a 14-room riverside château and lived in idyllic bliss for 6 years. My children moved schools and the younger, particularly, became an academic wonder. She now speaks 5 languages fluently: English, Italian, French, German and Spanish. My eldest works as a PA to a businessman who regularly works abroad. She occasionally travels with him, and has carte blanche to implement many decisions on affairs in the office, in his absence. My separation from my ex took place in 2004, when he was at the height of his profession, and our comfort was extreme. I had absolutely everything I could have ever wanted in life: my daughters (the younger still in education at that point) were blissfully happy, and content and at ease with the sublime course of our days. Except that our marriage was a complete and total sham. But to others, to all intents and purposes, it was the absolute epitome, the text-book version of what a truly successful liaison is. Everyone thought - believed - that we truly had it all. yet, at the core of this, I felt extremely stagnant, ineffective, and redundant. I was totally unfulfilled and playing the game, setting the scene and portraying things as I felt I had to. And so? So I had to stop pretending. I am not going to go on into details whys wherefores and reasons. but they were legion. It truly wasn't just about the sex. it never is. but that bit certainly had its voice.... Was it difficult? Hell yes. of course it was. it was at times infuriating, frustrating, heartbreaking, desperate, sad, complicated and agonising. My point is - we have all survived and lived to tell the tale. we're all leading lives that we want to lead. The world did not stop spinning on its axis, nobody died, and we all came through it intact. Life. Goes. On. History is simply memory. And at the risk of sounding facile, it really isn't that big a deal. All it's done is to bring us to where we are, through a series of events. It's how we use that history to shape our present - what we do with the skills and gifts it has given us - that determines what we are, and what we do now. Not all History is pretty. You've only got to read a text-book to know that. History is made up of catastrophes and damage-limitation exercises. And even every so-called happy accident' has its consequences. Don't attach so much significance to the past, hat you lose sight of the fact that you are still creating your history, today. And when you look back on this, how much of it will be a catastrophe with damage-limitation, and how much will be a 'happy accident'...? Do I resent the lack of sex all these years? Yes, absolutely and I've told him that in counseling. But to leave for that reason alone, with no guarantee that life would be "better" ... it's just not something I'm willing to do. It's just not a big enough motivating factor to me to shake things up that much. of course it isn't! It wasn't for me, either! But I really gave up a massive amount of supposedly beneficial advantages, to pursue really being the woman I wanted to be, as opposed to simply filling a role I was expected to fill. The past 4 years have truly been the most soul-destroying and dreadfully impoverished yeas of my life. But they have been worth every step. Would I go through them again? Not willingly, no. But they have brought me more personal satisfaction and triumphant fulfilment than the past 26 ever did. I guess I was complaining and you're probably right ... it gets to me every once in awhile. But since my choice is to stay I've tried to deal with it as best I can. Well, to my mind, you're 'settling' for second best. And I'd really like you to examine, deeply - possibly in a one-to-one with a personal counsellor - why exactly it is you truly believe this is the best you're ever going to get, and why exactly it is you're settling for it. Now, you may well come up with some extremely sound, logical and valid reasons. You may find that you are perfectly justified and correct to go with your feelings and stay where you are. Your desires to maintain the status quo and keep things on an even keel, may be the right ones. But they might not. Are you willing to find out....? My decision to leave was not an overnight sensation. It took me I would say the best part of 8 years to reach the conclusion that I could change the course I trod. But am I glad I began that thought process? (It scared the living daylights out of me, and I basically had to "find myself" all over again. I actually had to re-invent myself, because I had completely lost sight of 'me', in the 'us'. ) But yes, I'm thrilled I did. But I just get really mad when men assume that it's always the women who don't want sex. I just couldn't keep my "mouth" shut. See..... you obviously feel strongly enough about some matters to really punch out and protest. What else about your life is unjustified and askew? And is it right to remain silent on that? Why can you not show the same rage and indignation at how else you have been misused and neglected? or is the remainder of sufficient comfort and habit to you, to tolerate part of you being stifled, suppressed, denied and stilled? Thanks for your viewpoints. And thank you for being here. With us. Edited May 15, 2011 by TaraMaiden
giotto Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Tara, you got to keep the kids, am I right? One of the reason I'm staying is because I wouldn't be able to see them everyday. If I could take them with me, it would be a lot easier. You say it's easy, but it isn't. Your story tells me of a profound detachment. Your husband was never there, you lived in wealthy conditions. We struggle everyday with money and a separation would have catastrophic consequences. It's easier if you don't have to worry about the money and putting your kids in a difficult situation financially, jeopardising their education. I understand what tranquility is saying, because I'm the same position, only I'm a man. We've been together 25 years and have 4 children - the youngest is 10. Of course I resent the lack of sex, but what I'm really disappointed about is the lack of romance. I'm a bit old-fashioned like that. I'm disappointed we are not in love like we used to, because I thought I would love my wife forever. We all have different circumstances and where there is no abuse, no arguments, no confrontations, but affection, a nice family and a nice home, after 25 years it's incredibly difficult to let go of it. We are not living in extreme circumstances, but we are normal family with little conflicts, which, although they are bad enough, they are not so bad we feel the need to destroy everything.
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Tara, you got to keep the kids, am I right? One of the reason I'm staying is because I wouldn't be able to see them everyday. If I could take them with me, it would be a lot easier. No. My children lived with their father. My youngest daughter still does, my eldest now lives with her partner. You say it's easy, but it isn't. I'm so sorry, where have I said that....? Your story tells me of a profound detachment. Your husband was never there, you lived in wealthy conditions. We struggle everyday with money and a separation would have catastrophic consequences. It's easier if you don't have to worry about the money and putting your kids in a difficult situation financially, jeopardising their education. Please trust me, I do see that. I was merely offering a similarity to my situation with that of Tranquillity's. I do not in any way generalise.... I understand what tranquility is saying, because I'm the same position, only I'm a man. We've been together 25 years and have 4 children - the youngest is 10. Of course I resent the lack of sex, but what I'm really disappointed about is the lack of romance. I'm a bit old-fashioned like that. I'm disappointed we are not in love like we used to, because I thought I would love my wife forever. I see exactly where you are coming from. The romance is big, and extremely important. I'm with you there, too, certainly. We all have different circumstances and where there is no abuse, no arguments, no confrontations, but affection, a nice family and a nice home, after 25 years it's incredibly difficult to let go of it. This is precisely what floored so many people we knew. It completely blindsided them, and they had absolutely no idea how this could have come about. As I said, to all intents and purposes we were the perfect 'Brady Bunch' ideal nuclear family....In a room of 500 couples, we would have been bottom of the list in the "Who of these people do you think will split?" Poll.... We are not living in extreme circumstances, but we are normal family with little conflicts, which, although they are bad enough, they are not so bad we feel the need to destroy everything. One life. Once chance to make it gel. How we all do that, how we bring matters about, how we choose to resolve what ails us - is up to us. each must take his or her stance and live it. It's a choice, pure and simple. That's it. And Whatever a person decides, I would never condemn it, I merely point out that there's more than one way, sometimes. That's all.
giotto Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 No. My children lived with their father. My youngest daughter still does, my eldest now lives with her partner. Even more kudos to you, Tara, then. And about the "easy" thing... no, you didn't say that, but sometimes I get the impression that you think it is, because "you've done it". I'm obviously wrong.
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