Nexus One Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 OP, if you want people to show you compassion, you need to express compassion. First, get rid of these generaliztions and recognize people as individuals. Show some tolerance. Picking on people only makes them want to pick on you. True, you can't shift the blame to women when you yourself know you can improve in many areas. OP sounds frustrated, which is understandable, but he also seems to want a free ride by having a girlfriend fall into his lap. Not going to happen unless you have some good luck. Fix the following things and you'll give yourself the baseball bat to knock the ball out of the park: job, house/apartment, working out, exposure to women. Those are all parameters that increase your chances with women and they are factors you have control over. The job market has been tough, but it's picking up now. Don't make up excuses for yourself, channel that frustration into working on those parameters so that you can increase your chances and reap some results.
Author LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 As far as getting a job, I think that's a great idea. As far as getting an apartment, I lived on my own for three years, and just recently moved home to take care of an elderly relative. That elderly relative is currently in the hospital, after a fall. This has pretty much signified that I need to be here at home, because when she comes home she will need even more care than I was giving before. In fact, I might only be able to work part time due to having to take care of her. Working out, great idea. I however have no time to do that. I spend my time either cleaning, doing laundry, washing dishes, other housework, sleeping, eating, or at the hospital. I have no time right now to join a gym. Right now, it's not the best time to be in a relationship, I agree. I am worried sick about my relative, and I am struggling to do the few online classes I am signed up for. I have seen some pretty nurses at the hospital, around my age, but the chances of them dating someone like me is slim. And plus, working out doesn't guarantee me a relationship. Neither does having a job, or my own apartment. I lived on my own for three years, was a full time college student, and had a job, all of which didn't guarantee me a relationship.
Author LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) deleted..................... Edited May 8, 2011 by LeaningIntoTheMuse
Author LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 What I deleted is that I apologized for my misogyny, and will try to be kinder and more understanding on here. I suppose next time I should state my problems, and ask for solutions, instead of blaming people for attacking me and attacking them in return? That was really messed up, and I'm sorry.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Maybe he wants advice with EXAMPLES Anyone who is looking for that specific of a type of advice should either explain that in their post or not get angry when people don't do it. We can't read his brain.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 What I deleted is that I apologized for my misogyny, and will try to be kinder and more understanding on here. I suppose next time I should state my problems, and ask for solutions, instead of blaming people for attacking me and attacking them in return? That was really messed up, and I'm sorry. It's okay to defend yourself. The problem is you attacked women as a whole when only a few at most were the ones who hurt you. We appreciate the apology though.
LadyWriter Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 And plus, working out doesn't guarantee me a relationship. Neither does having a job, or my own apartment. No, it doesn't guarantee it......but it sure does help your chances! All you have to do is TRY (when you are ready/able since you have expressed that you are rather busy)
Author LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Anyone who is looking for that specific of a type of advice should either explain that in their post or not get angry when people don't do it. We can't read his brain. You're right, Enchanted. This whole thread is bitter and unnecessary. Of course I don't deserve respect, just because I am a virgin. Just the same as people that have had sex don't deserve respect just because they lost their virginity. You earn respect, through morals and values, not how many relationships you have or how much sex you have. I see that now. I also am not usually angry and bitter in real life, and people describe me as an upbeat and happy person. People generally like me, and I make friends easily. However, I do have social anxiety, which means that, although I can make friends easily, I can't keep them (due to me not calling back because of anxiety.) I also send off the wrong cues. If a girl is interested in dating me, I don't know how to send off relationship cues, which makes her believe that I just want to be friends with her. Which means, usually, that she will drop me because she is looking for something more. Even if I wanted something more, I am unable to get that across to her, which means that I'm left frustrated and confused (the last girl I "tried to date" ended up ending our friendship, because she said she didn't understand what I wanted - I wanted to date her, she wanted to date me, I apparently gave off the vibe that I just wanted friendship with her!) This is pretty much the flux of everything that I'm struggling with. I can attract women, so the advice of working out is kind of cliched, because I am not unattractive as I am. And any girl that wouldn't understand that I'm living at home to take care of a sick relative, is not worth dating anyways. I can't move out right now, and I can only work part time, which means that I can't move out even if I wanted to. I guess I just want solutions to understanding why I can't attract women, except as friends. I don't know how to treat a girl sexually, without her thinking I'm a pervert, and I don't know how to get her romantically interested, without treating her as a friend. I suppose I am just very confused.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You're right, Enchanted. This whole thread is bitter and unnecessary. Of course I don't deserve respect, just because I am a virgin. Just the same as people that have had sex don't deserve respect just because they lost their virginity. You earn respect, through morals and values, not how many relationships you have or how much sex you have. I see that now. I also am not usually angry and bitter in real life, and people describe me as an upbeat and happy person. People generally like me, and I make friends easily. However, I do have social anxiety, which means that, although I can make friends easily, I can't keep them (due to me not calling back because of anxiety.) I also send off the wrong cues. If a girl is interested in dating me, I don't know how to send off relationship cues, which makes her believe that I just want to be friends with her. Which means, usually, that she will drop me because she is looking for something more. Even if I wanted something more, I am unable to get that across to her, which means that I'm left frustrated and confused (the last girl I "tried to date" ended up ending our friendship, because she said she didn't understand what I wanted - I wanted to date her, she wanted to date me, I apparently gave off the vibe that I just wanted friendship with her!) This is pretty much the flux of everything that I'm struggling with. I can attract women, so the advice of working out is kind of cliched, because I am not unattractive as I am. And any girl that wouldn't understand that I'm living at home to take care of a sick relative, is not worth dating anyways. I can't move out right now, and I can only work part time, which means that I can't move out even if I wanted to. I guess I just want solutions to understanding why I can't attract women, except as friends. I don't know how to treat a girl sexually, without her thinking I'm a pervert, and I don't know how to get her romantically interested, without treating her as a friend. I suppose I am just very confused. Make sure not to shy away and stop talking to girls, you like. Compliment them. If you tell a girl her eyes are beautiful, its next to impossible for her to think you want to be just friends. Spend time alone with her. Ask her on a date and pay for the first one. (This is always a sign that a guy is interested in me.) Say the word "date" if you have to so she knows your attentions when you ask her out. Try to kiss her at the end of the first date, but work your way up to it. Like putting your arm around her and touching her arm lightly and seeing how she reacts to those things first. And when you have been on a few dates, then its acceptable to bring up the topic of sex. Ask her what her morals are and what makes her comfortable and things. Tell her you are not pushing her and will wait, but eventually want the relationship to go in that direction. Eventually try to touch her maybe over her clothes sexually, but gently at first and see if she's okay with it and keep testing the boundaries, but make sure to stop whenever she says no and not to try again for the rest of the night if she doesn't want you to. Not every relationship goes that way, but a lot do. I think your problem is that you aren't making moves at all and girls think that if you aren't making moves that you aren't interested and will move on to a guy who is making moves on them. Ask them out, try to kiss them and things. Sure, you'll get rejected sometimes, but if you do nothing, you'll keep losing girls like this.
Nexus One Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 As far as getting an apartment, I lived on my own for three years, and just recently moved home to take care of an elderly relative. That elderly relative is currently in the hospital, after a fall. This has pretty much signified that I need to be here at home, because when she comes home she will need even more care than I was giving before. In fact, I might only be able to work part time due to having to take care of her. I agree with you, that family member is a priority. I forgot that you posted about that, otherwise I would have given a different reply. Working out, great idea. I however have no time to do that. I spend my time either cleaning, doing laundry, washing dishes, other housework, sleeping, eating, or at the hospital. I have no time right now to join a gym. You don't have to work out at a gym. You can get ripped by doing exercises 20 - 30 minutes per day at home. (Spartan 300 workout) Granted, that is a heavy workout due to the speed with which you need to do the exercises and the speed with which you switch from exercise to exercise, but light variations of it can be done at home with some dumbbells and an Iron Gym. Another tip; just pick the muscles you want to see defined in your body, then look up their anatomic name online, then look on youtube for a workout to train that very muscle. Personally I'm not into the heavy version of the 300 workout, because that involves crying and vomiting, but here's the light version of the original 300 workout routine, it can be simulated at home with an Iron Gym($50) and some dumbbells($50) : http://bit.ly/yRcv1 If you manage to train yourself to complete it within 30 minutes per day, then your body will like that of Navy SEAL. Which is good enough for most women. Right now, it's not the best time to be in a relationship, I agree. I am worried sick about my relative, and I am struggling to do the few online classes I am signed up for. That does make it more difficult. I think it's noble of you to take care of your relative. I have seen some pretty nurses at the hospital, around my age, but the chances of them dating someone like me is slim. You might think you're just being realistic there, but that sounds like you're sabotaging your own happiness in your mind before even trying. If those nurses are not interested, NEXT! And plus, working out doesn't guarantee me a relationship. Neither does having a job, or my own apartment. I lived on my own for three years, was a full time college student, and had a job, all of which didn't guarantee me a relationship. I never said those things guaranteed a relationship, they do however increase your chances.
alethean Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 LITM, I admit I have no advice, mainly because I am not the person to give it. I'm sorry you were laughed at for not having kissed a girl. Yesterday an engineering grad student laughed at me for being a virgin. He had assumed that because I was an undergraduate in a less rigourous course than engineering, I was like "everyone else" and f***ing like a rabbit. Once he had found out that I was a virgin he couldn't take anything I said seriously, and started blabbing about how I didn't know the meaning of life, and blahh blah blah. I tuned him out and didn't bother to tell him that I hadn't even kissed or cuddled with a guy, much less had sex. I have been laughed at/questioned/whatever before for my lack of experience, so his comments didn't really sting that much. But I can certainly remember how it hurts to hear them. For me it's just another one of the frustrations that accompany social anxiety and the feeling of being socially impaired compared to peers. I like Johan's idea of committing yourself to getting one date a month and Enchanted Girl's suggestions for conveying verbal and body language. I realize that as far as my social anxiety, I have recovered enough to take the next leap out from my comfort zone and actually put my efforts into dating. I told myself that I would try for the past few years, but have only half-a**ed everything and of course had no results. I sincerely hope that someday soon you have the time, the means, and the will to date successfully. For me personally, it took a huge change in mindset for me even to view dating as a realistic possibility. You might (or might not) need to have one yourself. I definitely hope you continue posting and am expecting to see some posts about dates sometime this year.
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