Does anybody else feel like NC makes you more obsessed about your ex??

[Popondetta]

Hi!

Title says it all...

I just feel like me not knowing what he's up to or knowing anything about him makes me totally obsessed. Constantly imagining him with new girls, him having the time of his life etc. When will I get over this horrible anxiety??.. I don't feel like NC is working like it should. Probably cause I hope he might come back..

Been NC since the break 2 months ago(except one short and friendly email). LC during 3 months of a break before the breakup.

 

I know the alternative of staying in contact wouldn't be good either, but I just want so desperately to heal, but can't seem to let go emotinally...

I feel like he didn't give me a good reason why he broke up, except Commitment Issues.

 

NC sucks at the moment but I still advice everybody else to go NC.

[JasonRules]

You're right. Maybe you should try the opposite; that is, to start sending him text messages and calling him everyday. I'm sure you'll feel much better if he doesn't bother replying.

 

We're in a catch 22 situation. Our choices are:

 

1. NC = we hurt for a while, but slowly with time we get over it

2. LC = we prolong the hurt and the inevitable

 

You need to have acceptance that your relationship is over. Just accept it and try to move on. Nothing else you can do. I wish I could tell you, tomorrow he'll wake up and see the light and you'll be together again and everything will be fine, but reality is different. We don't live in a movie with happy endings. Sometimes, things break apart so that something even better will come together.

[Sassygirl2]

Yes, NC sucks. I feel the same way as you. I'm becoming obsessed with knowing what he's doing all the time and I hate it. It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and we've emailed a couple times but nothing other than business stuff. I feel like I become consumed by needing to know where he is and want to drive by his work or house. Everyone says to stay busy.....stay busy.....but I am staying busy and I still obsess about it. My guy called it off as well for reasons he wouldn't put up with but he gave me no warning or any inkling that this would happen. I just thought we could work anything out together. Guess I was really wrong about that! Everyone says stay NC and let them miss you and then they may come back. Does this ever really work? I don't know.

 

Sorry I am not much help this morning. Just missing him terribly when weekends roll around. What can we do to make this easier?

[otherfish]

Pon, you are not alone....Iam in your boat. You have one oar and I have the other. We are rowing aimlessly. I'm drained to my core of thinking of my ex and whether or not she will ever contact me again even to get the few things that she left at my place. For the last 2 months I have thought about her 24/7 and Im frozen. I cant move. I dont want to move. I want my life back that I had with her. We had a good thing. It doesn't look good but I have read some of the words of a few LSers (jasonrules) and they have given me encouragement to keep NC and it will pay off.

 

Contrary to popular opinions, Iam NC because Iam trying to get her back. Let me explain, we had some rough times, some rough times that she harbored. Im smart enough in relationships to know that sometimes you have to let them have their space and give them time to miss you. I want her to experience life without me. I want her to know that GIGS will fool her. I want her to miss everything that I did for her and I did ALOT. No, I was not perfect in the relationship but I know for absolutely sure that noone will come into her life and complete her like I did/will. So, I hang on to that and encourage you to do the same. One of the worst parts is you cant put a time limit on when they will contact you again....3 months, 9 months or years and that is very hard to think about. If she never contacts me again I would be astonished and quite honestly it would crush me....but I will push ahead and move forward to what God has planned for me. The best to you......

[Popondetta]

You're right. Maybe you should try the opposite; that is, to start sending him text messages and calling him everyday. I'm sure you'll feel much better if he doesn't bother replying.

 

We're in a catch 22 situation. Our choices are:

 

1. NC = we hurt for a while, but slowly with time we get over it

2. LC = we prolong the hurt and the inevitable

 

You need to have acceptance that your relationship is over. Just accept it and try to move on. Nothing else you can do. I wish I could tell you, tomorrow he'll wake up and see the light and you'll be together again and everything will be fine, but reality is different. We don't live in a movie with happy endings. Sometimes, things break apart so that something even better will come together.

 

I know you are right Jason, and you always give great advice. I feel like I'm just winging and repeating myself here on LS, but at least that's better than me contacting him. So please bear with me all fellow LS'ers.

 

I know that the alternative is so much worse. I would definitely never start texting him every day. I can't wait for the day to come when I can log on to LS and tell everyone how happy I am and that I've met someone far better than my ex. I'd love to just log on here to give others advice instead of needing them myself.

 

I think also it's hard for me to let go because I live in a fairly small city and everywhere I go I see his colleagues, friends etc (went hiking today and met a girl he used to work with, went to the shop the other day and met his friend.----I hate it and I should move). So there are constant reminders of him everywhere. Every little bar and cafe reminds me of me and him sitting there. The summer weather reminds me of last summer when we went to his family's summer place. Things that triggers my memory EVERYWHERE.

 

I know-- I have to start realizing that it's over for good. I am going to start group therapy next week. Hopefully that will help me stop being so depressed and see what a wonderful life I still have ahead of me, cause right now I don't see any point in my life (and I can hear how stupid that sounds!!).

[JasonRules]

Yes, NC sucks. I feel the same way as you. I'm becoming obsessed with knowing what he's doing all the time and I hate it. It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and we've emailed a couple times but nothing other than business stuff. I feel like I become consumed by needing to know where he is and want to drive by his work or house. Everyone says to stay busy.....stay busy.....but I am staying busy and I still obsess about it. My guy called it off as well for reasons he wouldn't put up with but he gave me no warning or any inkling that this would happen. I just thought we could work anything out together. Guess I was really wrong about that! Everyone says stay NC and let them miss you and then they may come back. Does this ever really work? I don't know.

 

Sorry I am not much help this morning. Just missing him terribly when weekends roll around. What can we do to make this easier?

 

 

Sassy,

 

 

If someone had genuine feelings for you during the relationship its only natural that at some point they will start to miss you. If they didn't have any feelings for you than you'll probably never hear from them again. If exes simply suffered from GIGS and ended it and there was no cheating involved than you probably will hear back from them at some point. Of course every person is different so you never know.

 

I'm at 2 months NC and the past week for some reason I've been getting hit with relapses. Usually while I'm driving my mind will drift to the past and think of things or remember certain nice/happy situations, but this is human. Perhaps they are experiencing the same; who knows? It's tough, but there is nothing we can do about it, but to remain strong until we heal.

[Eddie Edirol]

NC doesnt make you obsessed with your ex, youre gonna be obsessed regardless. Thats what having that void creates. What NC does is help you get over him faster than you would if you were still talking to him. But you cant also get obsessed with the anxiety, youre supposed to keep busy to keep your mind off the anxiety and him.

 

It takes MONTHS, in most cases almost a year to stop thinking about someone. So it doesnt get any easier anytime soon. Thats why you have to distract yourself with other things. But talking to him will only extend that time.

 

You have to trust me, you will thank yourself when you reach the point that youre not thinking about him as much anymore.

 

It will start to get easier when you are realistic about it, then you can put it past you. He probably IS having a good time with other girls, but dont picture it. He most likely isnt thinking about you and had checked out of your relationship long before you broke up. Its natural, it happens all the time, its happened to pretty much everyone at some point. Theres tons of it on this board.

 

The most likely reason he broke it off? not commitment issues, he just wasnt that into you from the beginning. That means whatever reason he got into a relationship with you, it didnt happen for him, or he found someone he thought he liked better. Thats it. All you can do from this point is improve yourself for you. You may start seeing things in hindsight that you might have done to turn him off, it happens, you'll learn from it.

[Popondetta]

Yes, NC sucks. I feel the same way as you. I'm becoming obsessed with knowing what he's doing all the time and I hate it. It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and we've emailed a couple times but nothing other than business stuff. I feel like I become consumed by needing to know where he is and want to drive by his work or house. Everyone says to stay busy.....stay busy.....but I am staying busy and I still obsess about it. My guy called it off as well for reasons he wouldn't put up with but he gave me no warning or any inkling that this would happen. I just thought we could work anything out together. Guess I was really wrong about that! Everyone says stay NC and let them miss you and then they may come back. Does this ever really work? I don't know.

 

Sorry I am not much help this morning. Just missing him terribly when weekends roll around. What can we do to make this easier?

 

I know...It's just so unnatural to stop all contact with someone you've seen every day for the last years or months. It's a hard detox!!

Me too, I'm trying to stay busy, but even when I'm with friends my mind start wondering and thinking "this would be so perfect if only my ex was here as well, or if he wasnt even here but I was going to his place after this". My head is playing games with itself..Or rather: I am playing headgames with myself.

 

I also think it makes the healing harder when we both have experienced sudden breakups where we are left full of questions.

 

I don't know if NC makes them come back, but I at least know that the alternative to NC will NOT make them come back. I'm hoping that my ex will regret this too... but it's silly cause that hopes just makes my healing stop progressing.

 

You are welcome to send me a message but I haven't paid for a membership now, but will pay tomorrow. Will let you know and also try to read your story tomorrow when I have time. Take care and stay strong.

[Fufu]

NC helps me tons to shift my energy and focus away from my ex-bf. Ultimately, it all starts from you, from your mind.

[otherfish]

....and what if your EX is practicing NC just like you are....with hopes to draw you back. Kind of at a stalemate, huh????

[orangelady]

I actually feel NC gives me more confidence and it helps me to start my life afresh. It also helps me to to really think about my life purpose and passion since I now think "He's out of my life" and it makes me want to improve my life for the better. It IS hard but I'm glad I'm doing it. I don't want to talk to someone that obviously could still go on with his life without me.

[Kilty]

Not obsessed - im kinda past that phase

 

But it's been a year and 2 months of split and 8 months of NC - and i still think of her.

 

My problem is i work in the same building as her and occasionally have to see her and ignore her with a grimace now and again - which she reciprocates.

 

Also her fiance works on the same floor as me - so i have to see his ugly, old desperate mug every day - but i have no dealings with him at all.

 

All i can do is make sure i look my best, as i did yesterday when she saw me.

 

The reality is that i could never go back with her but unfortunately my mind sometimes wanders into denial and fantasy that we will get back together.

 

NC would be a million times easier if i never worked beside either of them but unfortunately thats the burden i have to bear.

 

Im also not sure whether my attitude around her is the right one and whether i should be more civil

 

But i'm certainly not going to attempt friendship or any of that cack as it could get thrown back in my face

 

I just dont know whether continuing the ignoring etc is the right thing to do as it suggests i still have feelings for her which cleary i do

 

HELP !

[loverboy1984]

its been 2 months for me today. I had a relapse last night and homebrew set me straight. I agree with jason about the mind drifting. I get that too when I drive or when Im reading. Its sucks. But they probably think of it too from time to time.

 

hang in there.

[nana841121]

Otherfish posed an interesting question which also tricked me

we pass with regret

[Sassygirl2]

its been 2 months for me today. I had a relapse last night and homebrew set me straight. I agree with jason about the mind drifting. I get that too when I drive or when Im reading. Its sucks. But they probably think of it too from time to time.

 

hang in there.

 

Can I ask what you mean when you had a relapse? Did you try to contact her?

[loverboy1984]

A relapse is when you think you got yourself undercontrol and all the sudden you get into the mindset of post break up. Start thinking about her, thinking about moments, and yes sometimes getting tempted to call

 

Last night I was studying and my mind drifted. I started thinking maybe she thinks Im too mad and hurt to talk to her. I know I want her to contact me but maybe I need to give her a green light. So I wrote a short email saying

 

"Hey I hope you are doing well and your school is going well. Good luck on everything. Call me whenever you are ready to talk again.."

 

BUT I DECIDED NOT TO SEND IT

 

why? because Ive been in NC for 2 months and Im not about to break it now, also I dont want to sound friendly and be in a friend zone. I dont want to be put in the waiting game wondering why she hasnt called yet. And I dont want to get a message back and over analyze it for weeks.

 

You cant do any harm when you dont say anything.

 

Best thing to do in a relapse is think of something else, talk to someone, talk to yourself, and divert your attention.

 

I want her to contact me and I dont want to artificially provoke contact. If I were to take her back it needs to be natural and her coming to terms. Right now Im single, Im busy and I got a life to live.

[jordkorn]

I think it is best to have the closure talk then you really know that it is over then we can move on slowly

[ummike26]

My ex dumped me 23 days ago and Ive been NC for 23 days.. Lately Ive been getting the urge to send her a text or email but I always talk myself out of it.. I really haven't had closure seeing that she left me a letter and packed her stuff up while I was at school and I never had a chance to say goodbye or discuss things with her.. I occasionally get a sick feeling that I'll never see or hear from her again but I realize she left me and was obviously okay with that.. So I remain NC and focus on improving myself. However I do wish I would have had some closure. Do you guys think I should get closure>?

[Sassygirl2]

Unmike - how do you think you will get closure? I ask because I feel the same way. I have read on LS that closure is really for us and talking to them about it is really not going to help. However, I disagree. I would like to have a sit down conversation about the fact that it's over and find out what I did wrong so that I don't repeat the same thing again in the future. I wouldn't mind telling him a few things but I know that wouldn't help. I am pretty sure I know what I did to push him away. It would be nice to see him and be able to leave on good terms wishing each other well, instead of all the avoidance and ignoring.

[ummike26]

Sassygirl - The closure I'm looking for would be exactly like you stated at the end of your post. Sometimes I think a cup of coffee at Starbucks and a conversation involving what went wrong and to tell her that I enjoyed her company and the great times we had and to wish her well in the future..

However theres a little voice in my head telling me that she left me ( I was the "perfect bf"- did not cheat, treated her well etc) she knows all of this and still made that decision so there is no need to reach out like that..

It's just really hard to except that this person I have known for 2 years is completely gone and all I have is a letter she wrote as closure..

[Sassygirl2]

Unmike,

 

I would love to have that cup of coffee at Starbucks too with my ex. I guess we have to wait for the right time. Right now my ex is ignoring me big time so I have to chill out and leave him be. I've been pretty good for a couple weeks but last night I tried to call and text him. He did not respond so I called again this morning. He said he was very busy today and will call me later. I'm thinking since it's almost 9pm, he's not calling today and who knows if he will tomorrow or ever.

 

Like you said, they walked away from us so why are we even bothering? Because we still love them and care. I am trying to talk myself out of caring anymore though. He wasn't right for me and I knew that deep down yet I loved the companionship. He was a good bf, like you. I just needed more attention and with kids that's hard to do.

[0hpenelope]

Does anybody else feel like NC makes you more obsessed about your ex??

 

Nah, not really. My obsession goes away, even though thinking of my ex lingers a while longer. I just take it one day at a time since it's only temporary.

[Sugarkane]

Like Popondetta said NC is very difficlut is hell, when your ex just suddenly ups and leaves without even an explaination. Its hard to move on, when your ex won't even tell you what you did wrong. i wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone

[sonic3]

I feel the same coming up to the 2 month mark.

 

I felt fine last week, I even thought I was almost indifferent now I am having a bit of a relapse, curiosity is driving me insane - I know her Facebook is just a click away but if I do that I am going to put myself right back to square one.

 

It's the feeling she doesn't care, has probably moved on and is going out with someone else, if I just could confirm that on Facebook maybe that would help me move on, but I know in my mind that's a REALLY bad idea.

[love is dangerous]

Unmike - how do you think you will get closure? I ask because I feel the same way. I have read on LS that closure is really for us and talking to them about it is really not going to help. However, I disagree. I would like to have a sit down conversation about the fact that it's over and find out what I did wrong so that I don't repeat the same thing again in the future. I wouldn't mind telling him a few things but I know that wouldn't help. I am pretty sure I know what I did to push him away. It would be nice to see him and be able to leave on good terms wishing each other well, instead of all the avoidance and ignoring.

 

 

i think the closure you guys are looking for there no such thing. the dumpers dont even no themselves most of the time a lot of time confused or proabably wont tell you the truth anyway for whatever to spare your feelings or to keep doors open in the future. people will lie. just accept feelings change and it werent meant to be .they may not even want to give you this talk and are you sure its not just to make contact with them. or i would say wait until youve done 3 monthsoreven a year no contact at least before you have this convo , then it can be done more objectively without emotions getting in the way .