justaname Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 We're a couple of weeks away from taking at least a month (we'll check in then) to evaluate our lives and what we want. It could last several months, and at the end of it, it's almost sure that I'll lose my best friend or really be with the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. (She feels the same way, but these things are complicated.) Already I'm waking up every night at 3 or 4 having trouble breathing and my heart feels like it's being crushed. Physically. And I see her all the time, almost every other day. How does anyone handle this s**t when you both love each other fully and completely? It's so artificial and so very difficult.
Flabbergaster Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 How do I handle NC? One painful day at a time. HOLD FAST First few days, the goal of your life is to not break NC no matter how badly you want to. Try not to have anything important that week; do try to keep busy as hell. Keep surrounded by people. Find a confidante, and lean on them heavily. What you want to hear is "I'm so sorry it hurts...keep going a little further." Block each other's email addresses on day one. Delete each other's phone numbers (save the number somewhere so you have it...not on phone). Put away everything that you have of her, in a box. NO MUSIC at all in your life. Therapy helps a lot of people. Definitely worth a try. And then just hold on to NC for as long as you can. As if your life depended on it. If she breaks it...do not respond, no matter how badly. Before NC ask her to ignore anything that you send, not to respond. Find the NC faq, it's really helpful. You'll be reading it everyday, at first. Post here when you're going out of your mind, asking for someone to talk you down and sympathize before you break NC. Your task for the day is to remember that you are back to the endless pain, if you break NC. It won't fulfill you to hear her voice, it will put you back in purgatory. Good luck my friend. Stay strong. Keep focused on the fact that this is the best option you have, no matter that it sucks.
Author justaname Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 No music? Awesome. We're both musicians. In this case, I don't think it's back to this "endless pain" or whatever. Things really aren't that bad right now, or wouldn't be if I didn't think I was going to lose her temporarily or permanently. They've been pretty good a lot of the time. It's the fear that sucks. We just want them to be better if they can be. The point of this NC is just to let her focus more on evaluating the qualities of her current situation. Asking how I am isn't going to keep her from doing that. Sustaining our relationship in its current form probably will.
daisy love Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 (edited) Hi justaname, I could never imagine us never talking!! We live miles apart too. I know this will be very difficult, if not impossible for you since you see each other daily. Are you sure that you are making the right decision? Unless you are ready inside your heart to end the R, seeing each other every day will probably make you long for each other even more. I don't know if you're like me, but I couldn't stand not being able to talk to the person I love the most in the whole wide world!! You really should be realistic with yourself and your feelings and what you think your heart can handle. (((HUGS))) Hi again! I found this article for you. http://www.lostlovers.com/lets-talk-again-a-month-from-now-affair-partners-why-no-contact-doesnt-work-and-makes-things-worse/ Edited May 7, 2011 by daisy love
betterdeal Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 You both love each other fully and completely. Why are you taking a break in that case? What happened that led to you guys pulling apart?
Author justaname Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 You both love each other fully and completely. Why are you taking a break in that case? What happened that led to you guys pulling apart? She has two children and it wouldn't be fair to her husband or anyone for her to just jump from one relationship into another without taking some time to really think about things. She needs to figure out if she wants to trade stability for love, and she can't do that with us being all emo with each other all the time.
Author justaname Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 (edited) Hi again! I found this article for you. http://www.lostlovers.com/lets-talk-again-a-month-from-now-affair-partners-why-no-contact-doesnt-work-and-makes-things-worse/ Maybe I'm a horrible person, but that article makes me feel more optimistic about the whole thing. I sort of... want her to skew towards me. But I don't want to "win" and have her realize it was the wrong choice. F**k. What do you think we should do, Daisy? Doesn't she need time and space to figure things out? Should we do a NC-"light," where we're still in each other's lives but just keep things at a low level physically and emotionally? Hugs, maybe the occasional kiss (i.e. not giving ourselves the opportunity to do more), reminding each other that we like each other but not saying "I love you" or at least not with any tone of desperation? Sort of like feeding the heroin addiction with methadone? Because we're not sure that this is the end at all. In fact, neither of us want it to be, which isn't to say that it won't be. She's either going to leave him to be with me or stay for the sake of the kids, but right now I'm feeling that it's 50/50. Edited May 7, 2011 by justaname
betterdeal Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 She has two children and it wouldn't be fair to her husband or anyone for her to just jump from one relationship into another without taking some time to really think about things. She needs to figure out if she wants to trade stability for love, and she can't do that with us being all emo with each other all the time. My guess is she, like most people, wants both. Nothing wrong with that. It's possible, and either you or her other man can possibly deliver that. The question for you is, are you ready (and able) to deliver stability now and are you willing to? And how will she compliment your experience in life? How will she make your life a happy, meaningful and long one? It's not only she that needs time to think this over. Glad you've identified that you can't do this whilst you're mostly a ball of emotions. You need to be able to balance all your qualities and facets (emotions, thoughts, desires, general philosophy of life etc) to reach an holistic (full) understanding of what you want.
Author justaname Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) My guess is she, like most people, wants both. Nothing wrong with that. It's possible, and either you or her other man can possibly deliver that. The question for you is, are you ready (and able) to deliver stability now and are you willing to? And how will she compliment your experience in life? How will she make your life a happy, meaningful and long one? It's not only she that needs time to think this over. Glad you've identified that you can't do this whilst you're mostly a ball of emotions. You need to be able to balance all your qualities and facets (emotions, thoughts, desires, general philosophy of life etc) to reach an holistic (full) understanding of what you want. I could give her stability. I want to. I love her kids and would gladly take on a role in their life. But it would be a rough year or two -- for both of us -- leading up to that. And what they have... works... it just isn't fulfilling in ways. It never has been or will be. She can't be sure that what we have would. I don't know, I'm almost thinking that a month won't work at all, that we'll just want to jump back into things, and that I should say, "we'll see each other when you're separated." Or we try the month, and if no clarity comes out of it, then do that. Because, yeah, I don't mind having a little time to think, but the more I think about it, the more I know what I want. Completely. Edited May 8, 2011 by justaname
betterdeal Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Good stuff. Work to get yourself into a position where you do bring security as opposed to being in a position where you can bring security in the future, if you want to be the real deal.
Author justaname Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Good stuff. Work to get yourself into a position where you do bring security as opposed to being in a position where you can bring security in the future, if you want to be the real deal. I didn't mean financial security. I make a good living, but so does she. She doesn't need that. What she needs is the security of a stable home life. And that would take a little while after a transition.
betterdeal Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Oh right, I misunderstood. In that case, you just got to see how things play out.
siuys Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Maybe I'm a horrible person, but that article makes me feel more optimistic about the whole thing. I sort of... want her to skew towards me. But I don't want to "win" and have her realize it was the wrong choice. F**k. What do you think we should do, Daisy? Doesn't she need time and space to figure things out? Should we do a NC-"light," where we're still in each other's lives but just keep things at a low level physically and emotionally? Hugs, maybe the occasional kiss (i.e. not giving ourselves the opportunity to do more), reminding each other that we like each other but not saying "I love you" or at least not with any tone of desperation? Sort of like feeding the heroin addiction with methadone? Because we're not sure that this is the end at all. In fact, neither of us want it to be, which isn't to say that it won't be. She's either going to leave him to be with me or stay for the sake of the kids, but right now I'm feeling that it's 50/50. justaname, xMM and I did something similar. we went NC while he was supposedly sorting his life out. his decision at the time was to be with me, but he wanted to sort things out at home first. well, whatever that meant. coz during the 3-month NC (we never established how long at the beginning) we saw each other 5 times. always emotional, and difficult parting ways. after 3 months, he said he was moving out again. fast forward couple more months, he is now back with his wife. what i am trying to say is that in my case (and am not saying yours will be similar), with all good intentions, in the end, he did not manage to detach. i was in so much pain i had to end it. the A has gone on for 14 months and the flip flopping was still going on, indicating he thought he was ready many times, but not really. i also realised that during the 3 months NC (well, technically LC) it was the most difficult time for me because i was waiting, holding out, hoping, wondering, wishing... i was emotionally invested, missed him like hell, messed up, useless. so i guess unless you're emotionally done with her, NC won't work. Maybe LC would work for you but it will be hard... all the best
East7 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Hi Justaname, I have followed your story with MW. My xMW made me believe that if we could arrange finances and things to get together, she would leave her H and marry me ! When I think of all the things she made me believe, it's sick ! She is still with her H now and I'm over her emotionally. I do think of her very often, I'd be a liar if I'd say I don't. The difference is that I don't feel the same anymore. I think of her with mistrust, sometimes hate, sometimes sadness. Now you're in a stage that is called "bargain", you are trying to give it hope again and again but odds are she will stay.
Author justaname Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) Hi Justaname, I have followed your story with MW. My xMW made me believe that if we could arrange finances and things to get together, she would leave her H and marry me ! When I think of all the things she made me believe, it's sick ! She is still with her H now and I'm over her emotionally. I do think of her very often, I'd be a liar if I'd say I don't. The difference is that I don't feel the same anymore. I think of her with mistrust, sometimes hate, sometimes sadness. Now you're in a stage that is called "bargain", you are trying to give it hope again and again but odds are she will stay. Way to make me want to jump off a roof. Why would someone stay in a relationship with someone they've never been in love with? That might be the difference? Edited May 8, 2011 by justaname
jj33 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Just its very difficult to maintain NC with someone you see all the time. I tried that and failed for a good 2 years. We never went back to a pa but were in contact more than was necessary and it was very stressful. About 6 months ago my situation changed and we rarely see each other now. I thought that would all but end our contact and effectively create nc. Its hasn't. We are still in contact. he is still married but the bond still exists. I think there is a lot of truth in the article Daisy quoted. It was posted some time ago by a former member whose situation was superficially very similar to hers. Nc may work over the long term but at this rate I think where the feelings are very deep they don't disappear they are simply buried and can reiignite again at any time.
East7 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Way to make me want to jump off a roof. Why would someone stay in a relationship with someone they've never been in love with? That might be the difference? There are a zillion reasons MW don't divorce for the AP, but I'd resume the most frequent in 2 : - Most of women (not all) are weak, they are afraid of leaving what they already know (security, habits ) for something unknown. A woman needs a lot of security and comfort to start/pursue a relationship. They don't get off their hand from a branch until they can't grab firmly another one. - They feel bad about hurting they spouse even of the BS has part of responsibility in a dysfunctional/loveless relationship. If she doesn't want to be with you, tell her to go to hell ! No "I want you to be happy even without me", and other bull*** like that. Unconditional love doesn't exist, except the one from G0d and your mother.. The best solution is to stay out of the picture : let them handle their relationship and don't wait. If it is meant to be they'll divorce and that will have nothing to do with you. NC, NC and NC ! Just its very difficult to maintain NC with someone you see all the time. I tried that and failed for a good 2 years. We never went back to a pa but were in contact more than was necessary and it was very stressful. LC is even worse than NC, because it maintains the stress and the wondering, what if..It can momentally ease the pain but it is like peaks and valleys, when you start going better, a message or a phone call and you are back to square one. I think there is a lot of truth in the article Daisy quoted. It was posted some time ago by a former member whose situation was superficially very similar to hers. Nc may work over the long term but at this rate I think where the feelings are very deep they don't disappear they are simply buried and can reiignite again at any time. Yes, and that's why LC doesn't work because each time you resume contact, your feelings reignite and it takes another couple of weeks/months to bury them. Been there.. NC takes huge determination and strength but it is the only solution that works to get out. When you will see the end of the tunnel, you will realize that, except your MW, there are plenty of other wonderful people and things in your life to enjoy. Life is too short my friend. There might be someone better for you waiting there
Author justaname Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 If she doesn't want to be with you, tell her to go to hell ! No "I want you to be happy even without me", and other bull*** like that. Unconditional love doesn't exist, except the one from G0d and your mother.. Yeah, but here's the thing: we've been best friends and creative partners for a long time. She's the best friend I've ever had, really, and I can't imagine losing that. I think I'd try to be happy for her if she found out she was happy. I'd also try to date someone else, though.
East7 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Yeah, but here's the thing: we've been best friends and creative partners for a long time. She's the best friend I've ever had, really, and I can't imagine losing that. I think I'd try to be happy for her if she found out she was happy. I'd also try to date someone else, though. Look my friend, my MW was my best friend ever too, but our friendship become love at some point. It's an all-in-one package. As sad as it is, you have to accept the loss of the all. You can't remain friends, except if you fall out of love and you don't care anymore about feelings.
FightClub Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) Justaname, It would be wise of you to follow East7's posts, he speaks the truth in the situation of being with xMW, granted it is his personal experience but one that you can take and learn from in your own place with your MW. I know this because I, too was in the same place, asking the same questions. Let go and let God, everything happens for a reason...love yourself and in time you will see the true nature of things, the real answers you seek are within you. It's just hard to decipher them with all the background noise in your mind & soul. Been there, done that...it's a hard journey. If you are willing to take the necessary steps forward and work on yourself further, you will be at a more serene state and make better decisions for yourself, sometimes it's not even about them anymore it's about what your willing to accept for yourself. Nothing worse than the loss of self-respect because we want so badly to be with someone is attached. Good luck! -FC Edited May 8, 2011 by FightClub
jj33 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 There are a zillion reasons MW don't divorce for the AP, but I'd resume the most frequent in 2 : - Most of women (not all) are weak, they are afraid of leaving what they already know (security, habits ) for something unknown. A woman needs a lot of security and comfort to start/pursue a relationship. They don't get off their hand from a branch until they can't grab firmly another one. - They feel bad about hurting they spouse even of the BS has part of responsibility in a dysfunctional/loveless relationship. If she doesn't want to be with you, tell her to go to hell ! No "I want you to be happy even without me", and other bull*** like that. Unconditional love doesn't exist, except the one from G0d and your mother.. The best solution is to stay out of the picture : let them handle their relationship and don't wait. If it is meant to be they'll divorce and that will have nothing to do with you. NC, NC and NC ! LC is even worse than NC, because it maintains the stress and the wondering, what if..It can momentally ease the pain but it is like peaks and valleys, when you start going better, a message or a phone call and you are back to square one. Yes, and that's why LC doesn't work because each time you resume contact, your feelings reignite and it takes another couple of weeks/months to bury them. Been there.. NC takes huge determination and strength but it is the only solution that works to get out. When you will see the end of the tunnel, you will realize that, except your MW, there are plenty of other wonderful people and things in your life to enjoy. Life is too short my friend. There might be someone better for you waiting there I would agree with some of this. Men don't leave for the same reasons and statistically woemen are more likely to leave than men. Whether you choose lc or nc whaat you should not do is martyr yourself to the cause. Tell her if she isn't sure you are going to move on with your life. If she decides she qants out and u r sstill single and still want her greay if not she lost. You don't want to be sitting here in a year wondering when and if she may leave not having done anything for yourself. She's doing ewhat is best for her, you do what is best for pu.
26pointblue Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I would agree with some of this. Men don't leave for the same reasons and statistically woemen are more likely to leave than men. That's exactly what I was going to point out. Everything that East said about women being afraid to leave/afraid of change, wanting stability, etc., is equally if not true about men. I think men are much more afraid of risk & change than women; women tend to be more adventurous, especially for reasons like love & romance, & men tend to stay put & want that thrill on the side. Statistically women are way more likely to be the ones to file for divorce, & I've read that many women flourish after divorce while many men wilt. I've also read that marriage benefits men more than women. Of course these are all generalizations & perhaps, OP, you are with a woman who is afraid of change & risk. Or maybe she just values her marriage & family too much to leave [which I also think can be true of men]. The big thing here that is true for both genders is that you cannot waste your life waiting around on her to decide what she wants & go for it. You should live your own life & let her come to you if she truly wants to. I know this is easier said than done, & I wish you strength. You deserve more than a half-relationship. You deserve to be totally fulfilled & given commitment. Good luck.
Circular Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 East's comments are right on the money. You NC period is going to be the start of a very long arduous roller coaster ride, you think the one you're on right now is stomach wrenching, you'll see it can get a lot more intense and crazy... things will repair, then NC will come again, then repair then the cold distancing driven by guilt and her need to 'get out' because she's lost all focus on everything else in her life. As an MM w/ an xMW that still contacts me on occasion for no quite clear reasons I can say what East says is highly accurate. Truth is her need to leave is undermined by you being involved. If she can get what she needs from you and still stay in her marriage then that's what most MM/MW will lean towards. It's the least path of resistance, has the least impact on her children and IF you have a dday she can throw you under the bus, repent and 'work on her marriage'. I'm not saying that's exactly what she'll do but there are literally thousands of posts to show a very predictable pattern. Best thing to do is go complete NC, tell her you want to take the high-road that you know it's better to do this when she's no longer married, after she's been through all the pain of the separation (grieving the loss of her marriage) and free to date you proper. Think how awesome that would be, going out in public without looking over your shoulder. I would say my situation is more LC, like we only talk to catch up every 5 months or so. Even that's a bit much for me, it takes me literally 3-4 weeks to unwind myself. You might think you can master it but you really don't, I always walk away completely amazed how there's something there, very deeply, about two days later I'm in bad shape. I wouldn't recommend LC, and I keep telling myself I need to just fade-to-black, that's my next step.
siuys Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 East's comments are right on the money. You NC period is going to be the start of a very long arduous roller coaster ride, you think the one you're on right now is stomach wrenching, you'll see it can get a lot more intense and crazy... things will repair, then NC will come again, then repair then the cold distancing driven by guilt and her need to 'get out' because she's lost all focus on everything else in her life. As an MM w/ an xMW that still contacts me on occasion for no quite clear reasons I can say what East says is highly accurate. Truth is her need to leave is undermined by you being involved. If she can get what she needs from you and still stay in her marriage then that's what most MM/MW will lean towards. It's the least path of resistance, has the least impact on her children and IF you have a dday she can throw you under the bus, repent and 'work on her marriage'. I'm not saying that's exactly what she'll do but there are literally thousands of posts to show a very predictable pattern. Best thing to do is go complete NC, tell her you want to take the high-road that you know it's better to do this when she's no longer married, after she's been through all the pain of the separation (grieving the loss of her marriage) and free to date you proper. Think how awesome that would be, going out in public without looking over your shoulder. I would say my situation is more LC, like we only talk to catch up every 5 months or so. Even that's a bit much for me, it takes me literally 3-4 weeks to unwind myself. You might think you can master it but you really don't, I always walk away completely amazed how there's something there, very deeply, about two days later I'm in bad shape. I wouldn't recommend LC, and I keep telling myself I need to just fade-to-black, that's my next step. So true. Every time during the supposed NC, and xMM contacts me, I would feel great, then sink so low in a day or two. And yes, takes bloody ages to recover. So unless you want more pain, go NC completely. I have also come to the conclusion LC does NOT work. It doesn't help either party. Make a decision and stick to it. It will be hard, but going back and forth is harder. At least if you go NC for real, there will only be one direction – you will eventually heal and move on. Stop wondering, hoping, waiting. I am only 3.5 weeks into NC so no great achievement on that front, but this time it is for real because I've gone through enough NC then back together, LC then back together – more anxiety than I can handle.
Recommended Posts