pinkrainbows Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Sorry just started another thread. Wondered if anyone here would very kindly say how they felt when they admitted or were found out after having an affair and what emotions etc they went through not just afterwards but long term. I am interested to know how the affair partner felt inside event though i have asked my own Husband many times it still isn't helping me understand. Do you feel guilt, shame, or what............. Please share with me so i can understand WHY!!
Flgirl44 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I dont know that you could call it an affair because i wasn't married but I cheated on my HS sweetheart and felt like my gut was dropping. Like I was the most terrible person on earth. The next time I talked to him there was no way I could hide it in my voice. He knew something was up so I told him. When I got back into town and saw him face to face.....I will never ever forget his face and the look of pain and sadness. In the same breath, I also knew I didn't want to be with him and that was as a result of that. So I felt bad, and also didn't want to "make things right" so I felt like the biggest a-hole in the world. (He's now perfectly happy and I am happy for him)
Kismetly Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Sorry just started another thread. Wondered if anyone here would very kindly say how they felt when they admitted or were found out after having an affair and what emotions etc they went through not just afterwards but long term. I am interested to know how the affair partner felt inside event though i have asked my own Husband many times it still isn't helping me understand. Do you feel guilt, shame, or what............. Please share with me so i can understand WHY!! I had a brief affair when I was married. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't feel anything. It wasn't about my xhusband, it wasn't really about my affair partner - it was about me being deeply depressed and looking for something, anything, to alleviate some of the pain that had become so much a part of my life. I was unhappy in my marriage, I was working in an uninspiring career, I was dissatisfied with almost every aspect of my life - and rather than do the work to fix what I was dissatisfied with - I screwed a man who was married. It was a distraction, a holiday out from the tedious and monotonous life of a married woman holding down a job, running a house, being a daughter, mother, friend, sister, colleague - it's role overload. I never told my x about it. I think he suspected, but he didn't want to know. I left him a year later - straight up - there was no other person involved, we just didn't love each other anymore and we had no mutual goals left to aspire to and live towards. The divorce was heartbreaking - and if I had my time over I don't think I would have done it. If I'd have known then, what I know now about commitment and intimacy and being a grown-up with the skills to work through life's discomforts I'd be well ahead of the game now. It's a very evolved individual that understands affairs are about being deeply angry with their life and their spouse - it's about depression and hopelessness - and it's a long journey from finding yourself infactuated with someone who's not you're life partner and figuring out what's really missing in your life.
wheelwright Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I felt like I couldn't stay with my H cos I was in love with another. I am sorry but I am a Bss nightmare. I did fall in love with my AP, and it didn't die or go away in a magic fog. I am leaving my H now, 2 years post DDay. He is a good man. That can happen. There is no one size fits all here. Though other people's stories make you realise the possibilities.
bentnotbroken Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I felt like I couldn't stay with my H cos I was in love with another. I am sorry but I am a Bss nightmare. I did fall in love with my AP, and it didn't die or go away in a magic fog. I am leaving my H now, 2 years post DDay. He is a good man. That can happen. There is no one size fits all here. Though other people's stories make you realise the possibilities. No, WW you aren't ALL BS's nightmare. Dying of a STD disease and having the ow in my children's lives was my worst. The ending of a marriage isn't the end...for some of us it is a new beginning. If you want it, it will be for you also. OP, not sure you are going to hear what you need...but I hope you actually get some answers.
stm Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 it feels horrible... when i think about it i make myself sick... it replays over in my head, what happened and what i should have done... it hurts me that i have hurt some1 else with my actions... i am angry and frustrated at my self... when i look at her i wonder if she will ever forgive me... it hurts to know she will never look at me the same and hates me... and i was the the cheater and this is just some of the things im feeling, i cant imagine what she feels atm. especially when i promised to myself and her i wouldnt cheat, but i got caught up in a club, with to much alcohol and no self control, kissed a random chick and now have a broken relationship witch im trying to mend... its hard but going to be worth it.
Author pinkrainbows Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Thankyou STM as they are the feelings my husband's been saying to and also how very very ashamed he feels. Thankyou for sharing how you felt and hope things work out ok for you both.
Spark1111 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I had a brief affair when I was married. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't feel anything. It wasn't about my xhusband, it wasn't really about my affair partner - it was about me being deeply depressed and looking for something, anything, to alleviate some of the pain that had become so much a part of my life. I was unhappy in my marriage, I was working in an uninspiring career, I was dissatisfied with almost every aspect of my life - and rather than do the work to fix what I was dissatisfied with - I screwed a man who was married. It was a distraction, a holiday out from the tedious and monotonous life of a married woman holding down a job, running a house, being a daughter, mother, friend, sister, colleague - it's role overload. I never told my x about it. I think he suspected, but he didn't want to know. I left him a year later - straight up - there was no other person involved, we just didn't love each other anymore and we had no mutual goals left to aspire to and live towards. The divorce was heartbreaking - and if I had my time over I don't think I would have done it. If I'd have known then, what I know now about commitment and intimacy and being a grown-up with the skills to work through life's discomforts I'd be well ahead of the game now. It's a very evolved individual that understands affairs are about being deeply angry with their life and their spouse - it's about depression and hopelessness - and it's a long journey from finding yourself infactuated with someone who's not you're life partner and figuring out what's really missing in your life. This is what my fWS has concluded after much therapy and introspection. He loved the diversion of having to do the hard work on himself; the validation, flattery and concern at a time when he felt depressed and unlovable. Did he love her? Yes, for a long time I believe he thought so. In retrospect, he loved the way she made him feel, and never truly saw the "real" person. Which is very sad to me. It is as if she could have been anyone. And I think she carried a torch for him for a long time, while he moved on very quickly in therapy.
Silly_Girl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 It is as if she could have been anyone. I've seen that said regarding a sex-only fling/affair. If it wasn't her he was boffing it would have been someone else. But for emotional affairs, where grown adults - who have previously experienced love in their lives - believe themselves to be in love then I tend to think either a) it was love or b) it was meaningful (which to my mind means it's not as simple as replacing the OW with any other W off the street). After all, one of the things we enjoy about being in love is how we feel, and how the other makes us feel. Obviously you know better than I Spark, but I wonder how much a fWS re-writes the scenario (whether subconsciously) in order to survive the fallout, move on, reassert their feelings and focus where they need to. Seems they can do it both ways; rewrite the marriage for the sake of the AP, and rewrite the A for the sake of the marriage.
Spark1111 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I've seen that said regarding a sex-only fling/affair. If it wasn't her he was boffing it would have been someone else. But for emotional affairs, where grown adults - who have previously experienced love in their lives - believe themselves to be in love then I tend to think either a) it was love or b) it was meaningful (which to my mind means it's not as simple as replacing the OW with any other W off the street). After all, one of the things we enjoy about being in love is how we feel, and how the other makes us feel. Obviously you know better than I Spark, but I wonder how much a fWS re-writes the scenario (whether subconsciously) in order to survive the fallout, move on, reassert their feelings and focus where they need to. Seems they can do it both ways; rewrite the marriage for the sake of the AP, and rewrite the A for the sake of the marriage. Oh, we all know this is very, very true. The re-writing of both the marriage and the affair is the knee-jerk reaction of a person who avoids conflict and is desperately trying to minimize both relationships to get what they want. But over time, a different picture emerges, and I am amazed at what is not evident or considered necessary or remains unknown about a person you had, or thought you had, a significant emotional attachment to. I think 2Sure said it best: While in an affair, I will be whomever you need me to be. And you be who I need you to be. In many affairs, the partners see what they want to see, and the hormones fill in the rest of the slate, and everyone is happy. And they can remain happy, because for many, an affair is the perpetual third date; everyone has their best personna on, and the realities of a day-in, day-out relationship never has to prick that fog. By their very nature, affairs are fun and romantic, exciting and new, unintruded upon by every day reality, like child-rearing, or bill-paying, or a myriad responsibilities most long term relationships must navigate. In those cases, your AP could be anyone who fills in your imaginative blank canvas. I, personally, was amazed at what they did not discuss, what they did not divulge to each other, what was left unspoken or assumed or omitted. It would have burst the bubble for both of them in retrospect.
Seeker Sam Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 In many affairs, the partners see what they want to see, and the hormones fill in the rest of the slate, and everyone is happy. Do you think only affairs are like that? Aside from the hormone bit. I wonder if many marriages are like that - at least mine was for quite some time.
linwood Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 My wife was my mistress 13-14 years ago. I wasn`t married but in a serious long term relationship. During the year and a half affair I was stressed beyond anything before or since, guilt ridden, delusional, and miserably unhappy 80% of the time. The 80% I was away from my mistress. D-Day was actually a relief. I could stop the double life, lies, and betrayal. It was like an immense weight had been lifted off of me, I began to see and think clearly again. After D-Day and until now I`ve been happy, very happy.
mzdolphin Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Obviously you know better than I Spark, but I wonder how much a fWS re-writes the scenario (whether subconsciously) in order to survive the fallout, move on, reassert their feelings and focus where they need to. Seems they can do it both ways; rewrite the marriage for the sake of the AP, and rewrite the A for the sake of the marriage. Wow what a thoughtful post. This goes into the heart of the cheating spouse. Often gifted liars they can tell both the spouse and the AP exactly what they want to hear. It seems to me that both the OP or AP and the BS seem to believe the cheater is most honest with them. I believe cheaters cheat and although there may be depression etc at the core, these people would cheat regardless.
mzdolphin Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Oh, we all know this is very, very true. The re-writing of both the marriage and the affair is the knee-jerk reaction of a person who avoids conflict and is desperately trying to minimize both relationships to get what they want. But over time, a different picture emerges, and I am amazed at what is not evident or considered necessary or remains unknown about a person you had, or thought you had, a significant emotional attachment to. In those cases, your AP could be anyone who fills in your imaginative blank canvas. I, personally, was amazed at what they did not discuss, what they did not divulge to each other, what was left unspoken or assumed or omitted. It would have burst the bubble for both of them in retrospect.------------------- But how do you really know what they did and didn't discuss? I remember the guy I was seeing, before I found out he was still married, told me everything. Maybe because they lived in different states. I'm talking job issues, doctor appointments, problems with kids, talking to me in the presence of his son, me spending the night at his place. If I hadn't spotted a hint of a ring on his finger in a video on air (he's in media) I still wouldn't have had a clue. And I'm pretty smart.
Spark1111 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Wow what a thoughtful post. This goes into the heart of the cheating spouse. Often gifted liars they can tell both the spouse and the AP exactly what they want to hear. It seems to me that both the OP or AP and the BS seem to believe the cheater is most honest with them. I believe cheaters cheat and although there may be depression etc at the core, these people would cheat regardless. I didn't believe ANYTHING that came out of his mouth after DDay. And like many, many BS who actually love the man, I was devastated but did not want him back. I was never going to stand in the way of true love, of being with his "soulmate," and told him so. I didn't cause tantrums, was willing to amicably divorce, make my own money, and our youngest had left for college. I was devastated MORE by the fact that he felt he had to LIE to me for sooo long out of cowardice in not being able to make a decision. I was further dismayed that given carte blanche to be with his true love, it seemed to be the last thing he wanted. Doubt he told her that. He kept feeding her more lies, like having to return for the kids, the assets, of giving the marriage one more try. Who wanted that? Not me. Something else he never told her. He was begging to reconcile, fighting for the marriage. He lied to her, to me, but mostly to himself. Very, very sad.
Spark1111 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 ------------------- But how do you really know what they did and didn't discuss? I remember the guy I was seeing, before I found out he was still married, told me everything. Maybe because they lived in different states. I'm talking job issues, doctor appointments, problems with kids, talking to me in the presence of his son, me spending the night at his place. If I hadn't spotted a hint of a ring on his finger in a video on air (he's in media) I still wouldn't have had a clue. And I'm pretty smart. I'm a former investigative reporter. Within 72 hours of discovering her existence by accidentally intercepting a text, I knew who she was, where she lived, who she was formally married to, her family, her job, etc. Then I found the emails, the texts, the pics and the gifts, the bank statements and cell phone records. Then, unknownst to either one, I continued to read their texts and allowed the ensuing drama to run its course. Trust me, I knew what was being said, what had been said, what was believed and found it such an exaggeration of our married life, my personna, our family life as to be downright delusional. But I took myself out the delusion and wished him well.
Mr.Raindrop Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I never told my x about it. I think he suspected, but he didn't want to know. I left him a year later - straight up - there was no other person involved, we just didn't love each other anymore and we had no mutual goals left to aspire to and live towards. The divorce was heartbreaking - and if I had my time over I don't think I would have done it. I felt like I couldn't stay with my H cos I was in love with another. I am leaving my H now,. He is a good man. Hmmm, I will probably never understand people.
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