maybetomorrow Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 (edited) Sorry this is so long, just needed to pour my heart out We were together 25 years and have an older teenage son. Looking back I think our problems started creeping in a few years ago when I suffered depression due to problems at work. My H and I were never good at communicating so although we both knew something was wrong, we never spoke about it. I had also started a new job and was working longer hours. This caused problems and niggling resentment at home with the usual arguments arising about housework, decorating etc. I had done all these things when I worked part time and now had neither the time nor energy to do as much. As a result the house slowly deteriorated around us and I felt I was nagging all the time. For his part, he was always a good hearted, loyal and loving person. I, on the other hand, have always had difficulty expressing love and affection, but he knew this about me but I believed that he always knew that I loved him as we spent so many good years together and had supported each other through life’s ups and downs. Neither of us cheated or lied and we were always there for each other. Again, this was something we never really discussed Thing seemed to go downhill rapidly over a year ago year. Our son was preparing to leave home. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, believing that when he left my H and I would have a new start in our lives. I had even started looking into moving house. My focus on my son meant that I neglected my H. We didn’t go out much anyway, which was partly my fault as I’m not the most outgoing person (I now think my depression was a part of this as I was cutting myself off more and more from other people) but ultimately we stopped going out together. My H grew more resentful, towards both our son and me and he started to develop his own interests. As a result we grew further and further apart, developing really negative patterns of behaviour towards each, our sex life dwindled and we were just not nice to each other. We were miserable, both had low self esteem and I piled on weight. Ultimately, I couldn’t see a future with this man, he now did things I did not want to do and went places that I did not want to go. It was obvious that he could not see a future with me either, as I did nothing except work, housework and things involving our son July last year my H stated ‘I think we should separate’ and I said ‘yes’ - simple as that. We decided we were better friends than life partners. We decided to stay together until our son left the house the following July. My H’s behaviour, however, grew more and more erratic. He was never in the house, coming and going at odd times, developed unexpected interests and growing more and more hateful towards me. He wouldn’t even eat the food I cooked. Yes, you’ve guessed, he had started seeing someone else. He was forced to confess in November and our 25 year relationship ended not in friendship but in complete hurt, lies and deceit. (the OW is, of course, the complete opposite from me - no ties, no responsibilities, lots of free time and into extreme sports I asked him to leave the house, he not only left the house but also our lives as he would disappear with the OW for much of the week and have little contact with our son, including over Christmas and New Year. This fortunately has changed recently and our son is now helping his dad move in with the OW this weekend I, on the other hand, am broken and completely alone. I now look back in disbelief at the situation. We are not bad people and I think we both had our part to play in the breakdown of our relationship. I am in counselling, which has helped me to see things more clearly and my counsellor suggests that we both perhaps have had a midlife crisis. Certainly, the way my H has behaved towards our son is completely out of character. I am also amazed at our complete lack of communication. Neither one of us said ‘we have serious problems, let’s talk about this’ nor did we even consider counselling. We just drifted along and broke into pieces. I have however, for the first time, sat down with my H and expressed everything that I have just written here. I even asked him to consider counselling, as we loved each other once and I don’t think we should be throwing away a 25 year relationship. He, of course, does not want to consider this. We both agree, however, that we don’t know how to handle things. For example, in one week he completely ignored me when he was in the house, took things out the house without asking , but he also sent two lengthy text messages praising both ‘us’ and ‘our son’. Unfortunately I’m just as bad Also, and I don’t know if he is aware that he doing this, he gives me false hope of us getting back together. For example, he says he is moving in with OW only for 6 months ‘to see how things go’. At the moment, I have been NC for over a week because this whole situation is doing my head in and I realise I have to let go and get on with my life – easier said than done though. Edited May 7, 2011 by maybetomorrow grammer
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