Knittress Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 When my ex got a female friend, I thought it was no big deal because many of my friends are guys. Not making that mistake again.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 When my ex got a female friend, I thought it was no big deal because many of my friends are guys. Not making that mistake again. The two are almost polar opposites: A guy only makes female "friends" because he wants to bang them. A woman has "many guy friends" because they each feel they are in line to bang her. Thus, when a guy 'gets' a female friend (outside of work/family) there is basically just one reason for doing so. When one's female partner acquires another guy friend, HER motives do not HAVE to be cheating/romantic/sexual in nature. (yet it would be wise to *know* that his are...)
curlygirl40 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 This is definitely a loaded subect! I think people will have different opinions and it will be mostly based on their past experiences. I think men and women can be friends. Best friends. But that comes from my experience since my best friend is a guy. We've been friends since we were 12 (we're 41 now). There has never been anything intimate between us. Never. Not even a kiss. What we have is so awesome we would never want to ruin it that way, for sure. I had a guy tell me once that he didn't think men and woman could be friends. When I pressed him for a reason he said because the guy will always sleep with the girl if given the chance. I can't say I 100% disagree, but remember it takes 2. And if you're saying it makes you feel uncomfortable, you're saying you don't trust him IMO. To me, to not trust someone who hasn't given you a reason to distrust means that you are questioning their character and their integrity when they haven't done anything wrong. You have no control over if someone cheats on you, you only have control over your reaction to it. So love without fear. I know you're not official, but if you're heading in that direction you'll have to deal with this soon. If they really are best friends and you make him choose, he'll probably choose her. I know my guy best friend would, and mostly because he wouldn't want to be the boyfriend of someone who wouldn't trust him from the word go. Just my opinion, for what it's worth.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I think men and women can be friends. Best friends. But that comes from my experience since my best friend is a guy. We've been friends since we were 12 (we're 41 now). There has never been anything intimate between us. Never. Not even a kiss. What we have is so awesome we would never want to ruin it that way, for sure. Now that is a classic line!!
Richard Friedman Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Hypothetical question. Would you be cool with him ranting to her about you when you have problems?
thatdog Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 It's possible to be legitimate friends with the opposite sex. It is also common to pretend to be friends for a chance of getting more. Since you don't even know her it's impossible to tell whats going on. If you really like the guy then I think you need to just go into the relationship trusting him but make sure to pay attention to them both and see how you feel. You should also make it clear to him that whilst it's fine for him to have a close female friend if you are his gf you need to be his no1 and you won't tolerate being passed up for her or for any appropriateness to occur.
dispatch3d Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 its weird she sleeps over there 3 days a week. Sort of thing I'd ask more questions about to try to get an understanding of what's going on. As far as trying to draw a conclusion on the information given, I wouldn't bother. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to draw concrete things from little->no information.
Dust Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 its weird she sleeps over there 3 days a week. Sort of thing I'd ask more questions about to try to get an understanding of what's going on. As far as trying to draw a conclusion on the information given, I wouldn't bother. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to draw concrete things from little->no information. I would assume they have sex till some how proven other wise. Probably some strange friends with benefits situation.
TheLoneSock Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 So I started dating this guy and I am already falling for him. Fast too. But there is one thing that bothers me. His best friend is a girl. The key to your success with him will be to completely win her over. Make her think the world of you. Treat it as if you want her to be your new best friend, and he your romance.
chelle21689 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 My ex when I was dating him made a female best friend in the Army. Due to circumstsances (long long story) they ended up having to spend a lot of time together and him staying at her place for a while. I was extremely jealous and for a year I had pain inside my heart. I began to trust her after a year. We broke up but not because of her. But yeah, turns out there was nothing going on and that she's getting married and my ex is the photographer and stuff. They're still close but nothing of that sort. More of a sibling kind of friendship. I still don't think it was okay for him to have a close relationship with her when it hurt me badly. Even though nothing was going on, from the outside it was hard to see. I think there should be boundaries honestly.
fwang Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I guess it all depends on that girl. You know, some girls are just attention freaks. They need the attention from their "best male friends" from time to time. Here is my case. After dating my ex for a month, i met his best female friend in a local music festival. She slept over my ex's house, on the sofa, from Wednesday to Sunday. My ex had 2 roomates and the girl had a 3 years boyfriend, so I didn't worry about it at all at that moment. And we three hanged out during the festival. They have been friends for almost 5 years since college. I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable because of me, so I kept a little distance from my ex and let them talk most of time in the festival. And this girl appeared to be nice. I was nice to her, too, buying her drinks and so on. So Sunday morning, the girl left. One week later, my ex told me that she broke up with her 3 years boyfriend. And another week later, she posted something like this on my ex facebook wall,"I miss you. Can't wait for our upcoming adventures. See ya soon!" At that point, I was excluded by them. A couple of days later, my ex broke up with me and drove to that girl's city to hang out with her. Since then, she started to post a lot of pictures and commets on his facebook. The girl just went through a break up, and she needed the attention from my ex. I strongly believe that my ex has been having a crush on her. That's why he can't say no to this girl. But I am innocent. Why do they choose to hurt me in this way?
welikeincrowds Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 If he has a best friend who is a girl, that's cool. Just don't want them sleeping in the same bed, Welikeincrowds said that him and his friend spooned sometimes, and I definitely do not want that! This may sound confusing, because it was friendly loving comfort and not FWB stuff, but we wouldn't have done that if we weren't both single. It was okay within the context of our boundaries for each other, and especially at that particular period in our lives (quite a stressful time). But it probably wouldn't have been OK with an SO's boundaries (as you are saying it wouldn't be okay with you). The moral is that it's okay to assert yourself and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. No wrongdoing by any party if everyone respects everyone else's wishes. And anyway, not to confuse things further -- if I had a girlfriend to comfort me at that time, I probably would have gone to her instead, and the same for my friend, if she had a boyfriend. It really was about just that time; maybe I shouldn't have even brought it up.
stace79 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 He probably has sex with her. Even if he doesn’t this isn’t the type of situation you want to get in. I would never date a girl who had a guy best friend who approved of me and slept over at her house. I would be blunt and ask if they ever so much as kissed. I would then explain that when I’m with a girl she’s the number one woman in my life and I have to be the number one man in hers. I really would be willing to walk away from some one I liked a lot because of boundary issues with so called opposite sex friends. Why can't more men be like you??? I think the OP is wise for being cautious. There are just certain boundaries that don't need to be crossed when you are in a committed relationship. If he did ask you to be in an exclusive relationship, I'd bring up the friend in a non-accusatory way and just ask him how they got to be so close.
stace79 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 My best friend of 20 years is a man and we have never been romantically involved in any way, in fact I've also become very friendly with his wife as well. In these types of situations communication is the key - don't assume anything and try to be as open and mature as possible. How long have they been friends? How did they meet and what were the circumstances? If the two of you become closer and your relationship continues to get more serious I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask him more pointed questions regarding his friendship and relationship with her. I think the fact that you befriended your friend's wife is the best sign that there is nothing inappropriate between you. I always tell my bf that any friends of ours as individuals should become friends of our relationship. Not meaning that they have to suddenly be my BFFs, but if we went through a rough patch, I have to know that they wouldn't just trash me because of some underlying motives or something like that. And it should be cool if I want to tag along to a lunch or if we invite them out on a "group date". If they never want to see me or talk to me, then there's a problem.
Author thespiff Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Okay you guys. Tell me what you think of this. The guy I am dating wants to spend the night at my house on Wednesday night and I am totally up for it (I am 19 and live with my mom). And I got the o.k. from my mom and everything. I was really excited But then RIGHT when his best friend finds out that he is spending the night, she asks him to ask me if she can come with and spend the night too. And she's not my friend and I've never met her before... What is your guy's take on this? I didn't want to be rude so I said yes. Now I am dreading Wednesday... ugh.. what did I get myself into?! But I feel like I need to see what they are like together. Still, why did she ask to come with to my house?!
Dust Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) Your misplaced fear of being rude is putting you in a bad position. I can’t believe you’re mom is cool with this guy spending the night. Will this be the first time you guys have sex? This girl likes him! He is already making you feel like 3rd wheel in this relationship. They probably have sex. You need to stop being so scared and ask the hard questions. Ask him flat out “have you guys kissed before?” If he says yes to that you don’t even need to ask the rest, I already assume they are having sex. Believe me if they have kissed, then those nights over involve sex. (i would already bet a lot there is sex going on) You’d think the guy would want you all to himself. It’s just really rude that she asked to come over to your place, and ever ruder that he then went and asked you. Please stick up for yourself and tell him it’s not ok for her to come over and that this was going to be a private thing. Also explain to him how he is making you feel. Don’t be afraid to lose this guy he doesn’t sound worth it. Also ask him if he has ever kissed the girl. Ask in a casual way so you are more likely to get the truth. Regardless of whether he says yes or no pay attention to the feeling you get from his answer. Edited May 10, 2011 by Dust
Author thespiff Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Your misplaced fear of being rude is putting you in a bad position. I can’t believe you’re mom is cool with this guy spending the night. Will this be the first time you guys have sex? This girl likes him! He is already making you feel like 3rd wheel in this relationship. They probably have sex. You need to stop being so scared and ask the hard questions. Ask him flat out “have you guys kissed before?” If he says yes to that you don’t even need to ask the rest, I already assume they are having sex. Believe me if they have kissed, then those nights over involve sex. (i would already bet a lot there is sex going on) You’d think the guy would want you all to himself. It’s just really rude that she asked to come over to your place, and ever ruder that he then went and asked you. Please stick up for yourself and tell him it’s not ok for her to come over and that this was going to be a private thing. Also explain to him how he is making you feel. Don’t be afraid to lose this guy he doesn’t sound worth it. Also ask him if he has ever kissed the girl. Ask in a casual way so you are more likely to get the truth. Regardless of whether he says yes or no pay attention to the feeling you get from his answer.I DID ask not too long ago if they cuddle together and he said "No. Me and my friend don't roll like that." I am trying to go into this relationship and just be as nice to her as possible. It just hurt me that we had already planned it all out and then he asked if she could come along and spend the night too. He texted me about an hour after we all made the plans and he said "Hey, can Andi come along so we can all hang?" It's really odd that he wants Andi to come with all of the time and that he hangs out with her the most out of all of his guy friends... And no, we weren't going to have sex. Haha. And he knows it. He's a pretty sweet guy and I know he isn't expecting to have sex. Especially now that his best friend is coming. I don't know why he would want her to come if there was any chance of getting laid. I talked to my brother about this girl and my brother thinks I am absolutely crazy for being jealous. He actually really hurt my feelings because he said "Wow, you're crazy and you're stupid to think anything is going on. This is why your last ex dumped you. You can't trust anyone!" And now I just feel like a total a$$...
Dust Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 If you’re crazy then its like a fox because something is certainly up and you shouldn’t be afraid to lose a guy like this. Seriously, who the heck brings another friend (girl) on a date. Why would she ask? More importantly why wouldn’t he just say “No” to her about going on his date? If it were me I would just tell him “I don’t want her coming over, I was really looking forward to being alone with you. It makes me feel like a third wheel if you bring her on our dates. I don’t even understand why she would ask to come, and why you would want her on our date.” I think you should just dump the guy for the stated reason “The relationship you have with Andi makes me uncomfortable. I’d rather just date a guy with out a girl sleeping over at his place who also comes on our dates.” It’s just all so weird and something must be up. I personally hate even letting my guy friends sleep over. There is no way in hell I would let a guy friend sleep over 3 times a week. Finally, never in a million years would I bring a guy friend out on a date unless I had been dating the girl for a while and we were well established as boyfriend and gf. So, it really makes no sense how he acts with this girl. If they are some kind of friends with benefits it really all starts to make sense and sounds like drama and heartbreak for all involved especially you. You seem smart. Your brother seems like a dick. The guy seems like trouble. (must be why you like him) Just remember this is about having fun with some one, if this is just stress then end it.
nothappyjan Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 DUMP him and move on...........look at the drama and turmoil that has occured already. Wouldnt you rather date someone without this extra stress and worry? Trust me if your concerned now it will NOT get better. The very fact he invited her on your date scream RED FLAG run now. Don't feel bad about it, just let him know that you are worried it will turn in to an issue and there is really not enough space in a mans life for two girls who both want to be number one. My gut says she likes him/ or he liked her. There is something else happening. No friends of mine sleep over 3 nights a week- male or female and there is no way i'd bring any friend on a date unless it was discussed as a 'meeting the friends date'
betterdeal Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Okay you guys. Tell me what you think of this. The guy I am dating wants to spend the night at my house on Wednesday night and I am totally up for it (I am 19 and live with my mom). And I got the o.k. from my mom and everything. I was really excited But then RIGHT when his best friend finds out that he is spending the night, she asks him to ask me if she can come with and spend the night too. And she's not my friend and I've never met her before... What is your guy's take on this? I didn't want to be rude so I said yes. Now I am dreading Wednesday... ugh.. what did I get myself into?! But I feel like I need to see what they are like together. Still, why did she ask to come with to my house?! You said yes because it's polite to say yes. She is probably a bit jealous and wants to be part of the gang. Close friends do get jealous sometimes whether regardless whether they are sexually compatible or not. After all, they may lose some contact time with someone they value a lot to someone else (in this case, you). I think she's feeling that. Whether or not they find each other physically attractive is not the issue here. I find lots of my colleagues physically attractive, but that doesn't mean I go anywhere with that, and when you're on a diet you can still look in the fridge. The issue here is in finding a balance between your relationship with him, and her relationship with him (and yes, a friendship is a relationship). I think they are overly dependent on each other at the moment, but that's their business. I can only give you advice since only you are here. So, the sleepover. Just go with it. You've invited her and him to your home. This is your domain. Your sanctuary. The place you feel safe in. You welcome your guests, show her her room if she's staying, and you show your affection to your boyfriend as feels appropriate to you in your mother's home and in front of his friend. It may be simply holding his hand whilst you guys all talk, for example. You have food, you talk, you have fun. Then when bedtime comes (if it does, you might be up all night talking - who knows) you say good night to her and go to bed with your boyfriend. In this way you're being friendly and confident. You might say, "I'm glad to get to know you and that you're so cool with me and Hank getting together." and ask her about her love-life, whether she has a man she's got a softspot for, that sort of thing. It might put her on the spot, or it might help break the ice, get past that awkwardness and you might end up friends. Now go read up on assertiveness techniques so that if you feel put upon you'll be better equipped to stand up for yourself and be able to say "no" without feeling guilty. It's a good skill to have in life, regardless of the current situation.
alexlakeman Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 That is just weird. Think about it, most women who have "guy" best friends are ex boyfriends! And likely the same for men. IN MY CASE my former best friend was a woman, and my ex g/f from years past; in my case there was nothing there when we were friends, no hook ups, no kissing, no nothing, she had her man and I had my woman... Unfortunately it does NOT mean that if she would've given me the opportunity I wouldn't have banged her.. A lot of times when women introduce me to their guy friends I just think "did this one bang her?".. so same for guys.. Then again, it could just be a "friend"
milkmaterial Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 The girl just went through a break up, and she needed the attention from my ex. I strongly believe that my ex has been having a crush on her. That's why he can't say no to this girl. But I am innocent. Why do they choose to hurt me in this way? according to the book "get anyone to do anything" dr. leiberman said that a woman feels very attracted to a man after she has been dumped, or her self esteem is low.Low self esteem conveys LOW PERSONAL WORTH. It conveys lack of desirability.
milkmaterial Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Okay you guys. Tell me what you think of this. The guy I am dating wants to spend the night at my house on Wednesday night and I am totally up for it (I am 19 and live with my mom). And I got the o.k. from my mom and everything. I was really excited But then RIGHT when his best friend finds out that he is spending the night, she asks him to ask me if she can come with and spend the night too. And she's not my friend and I've never met her before... What is your guy's take on this? I didn't want to be rude so I said yes. Now I am dreading Wednesday... ugh.. what did I get myself into?! But I feel like I need to see what they are like together. Still, why did she ask to come with to my house?! ok i was trying my best to be fair in my views but..yes.. they are tied to the hip and maybe even on the nether regions. i wouldnt go there. im way too alpha female for that. besides, like i said, there are so many guys out there. if i was a slut i'd bang them all. you can have your pick of any guy you choose im very sure. none of the guy "friends" i have in my life have a female best friend sleeping at their place and stuff.
angielove Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Just some personal experience: My best friend in the world is a guy. But he is also my ex-boyfriend. We were high school sweethearts. Now we are like brother and sister. We have both had heaps of other relationships since then. We hang out all the time and I feel completely comfortable around him (which is unusual for me). We have not so much as kissed since we broke up in high school. There is no sexual tension/chemistry there and I think we'd both be grossed out if anything were to happen lol! Now guy friends who I have made over the years have literally ALL had crushes on me. They would become friends with me and then after some time they would either tell me how they felt or make a pass at me. I never liked them back, and we never remained friends after that. Right now I have no guy friends except for my ex and a gay guy! So in conclusion, from my experience, guys and girls cannot be JUST FRIENDS with each other unless they have already done the dirty Sorry!
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