His best friend is a girl...

[thespiff]

So I started dating this guy and I am already falling for him. Fast too. But there is one thing that bothers me. His best friend is a girl.

 

This really bothers me for some reason. Maybe I am just really insecure? When she started dating she said she "approved" of me. What is she, his mother? Why do I need her approval?

 

Not only are they best friends but she doesn't have a job and they go to the same school so she sleeps over at his house about 3 nights a week.

 

Should a best friend who is a girl be sleeping at his house? I haven't officially became boyfriend and girlfriend with him yet. But I know he will ask me to be his girlfriend the next time I see him and I think this whole thing might really be getting in the way of me saying yes.......

 

What do you guys think? Am I overreacting?

[Professor X]

Maybe I am just really insecure?

Yes, you are, gender doesn't determine who can and cannot be friends and to what degree.

 

When she started dating she said she "approved" of me. What is she, his mother? Why do I need her approval?

You don't, he does; I'm sure you got friends too and they will check your new guy out and they will give you their opinion of him - call this act "approving".

 

Not only are they best friends but she doesn't have a job and they go to the same school so she sleeps over at his house about 3 nights a week.

Didn't quite understand this part.

 

Should a best friend who is a girl be sleeping at his house?

I see no harm; they are best friends. I used to sleep at my best friends house (she's a 'she', I'm a 'he') and we never had anything going between us.

 

What do you guys think? Am I overreacting?

For now, yes, but once you get official it would be inappropriate for her to keep spending nights at his place.

 

Of course, I don't know the details of why she's sleeping at his place so often; Might be similar to my case, in which I lived very far from my school so I had to sleep at least once a week at a friends house who lived near by.

If that's so, than the very least you could ask that they don't sleep at the same room anymore.

[Dust]

He probably has sex with her. Even if he doesn’t this isn’t the type of situation you want to get in.

 

I would never date a girl who had a guy best friend who approved of me and slept over at her house. I would be blunt and ask if they ever so much as kissed. I would then explain that when I’m with a girl she’s the number one woman in my life and I have to be the number one man in hers.

 

I really would be willing to walk away from some one I liked a lot because of boundary issues with so called opposite sex friends.

[Lilmisus]

You are definitely overreacting.

 

But, if it'd make you feel more comfortable, you could ask and make sure that nothing romantic had every occurred between them. Don't make it sound like you're accusing him of anything, just tell him it'd make you feel more comfortable to just make sure. If something had occurred..then you would be in the right to feel uncomfortable. If not, let it go. It's not a big deal, so don't worry about it and let it get in the way of your relationship.

 

But if you feel that you can't trust him, then there's no need to start a relationship and get involved with him.

[thespiff]

Yes, you are, gender doesn't determine who can and cannot be friends and to what degree.

 

 

You don't, he does; I'm sure you got friends too and they will check your new guy out and they will give you their opinion of him - call this act "approving".

 

 

Didn't quite understand this part.

 

 

I see no harm; they are best friends. I used to sleep at my best friends house (she's a 'she', I'm a 'he') and we never had anything going between us.

 

 

For now, yes, but once you get official it would be inappropriate for her to keep spending nights at his place.

 

Of course, I don't know the details of why she's sleeping at his place so often; Might be similar to my case, in which I lived very far from my school so I had to sleep at least once a week at a friends house who lived near by.

If that's so, than the very least you could ask that they don't sleep at the same room anymore.

I do see where you are coming from with this and I thank you! I don't mind that she sleeps over now, but it would really hurt me if she were to sleep over at his house while we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I am just scared to say that... I like him so much, it really makes me feel like a jealous b!itch that I wouldn't want her to spend the night anymore.

 

It would be okay if she spent the night while I was able to spend the night also. But the idea of this "best friend" spending more nights over at his house then I would, is a really big thing to me.

 

I am just scared some nights I will know that she is sleeping in the same house as him and i am at home laying there by myself. It really isn't fair.

[thespiff]

I also want you guys to know that I have had 2 "best friends" who were guys in my lifetime. The first guy went like this... the whole time we were "best friends" I had a crush on him and was dying to hook up with him. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend after both of us just calling each other "best friends" for half a year and I was very very happy.

 

The second time I called a guy my best friend and I really did truly think of him as only my "best friend" but that was because he wasn't attractive. Turns out, I later found out a few years later that the only reason he was "best friends" with me is because he wanted to hook up with me... and when he got a girlfriend, we suddenly were no longer "best friends". At least in his eye anyway.

 

I just get the feeling that one of them must have a crush on the other one or something. And what if he decides to be my boyfriend and then suddenly she develops feelings for him or decides to tell him she has feelings? Obviously, she will come before me because she is his best friend and they have known each other for longer.

 

I just really don't want to end up getting hurt out of this!!! I don't want another girl to come before me. =/

[Professor X]

Well, again, until you are official there's nothing for you to get all worked out about, however once you do get official, make sure you lay some ground rules regarding the female friend so that you won't get hurt.

 

If you do end up getting together and he gives you troubles with the new "restrictions" than I'd suggest you tell him good-bye and walk away; But until then, really, try and relax

[nana841121]

In my own opinion, there is no platonic friendship between heterosexuals .

[thespiff]

In my own opinion, there is no platonic friendship between heterosexuals .

I kind of felt this way as of recent, but I am trying to keep an open mind. Do you have any reason why you say this? Sounds like you have some stories! I would love to hear them

[Pianiste]

In my own opinion, there is no platonic friendship between heterosexuals .

 

I'd say I think about this the same way you do. At least from the point where a guy start calling a girl a very good friend/best friend I think this steps in. A guy once explained to me that a guy has the same prerequisites for a good female friend as he does for a girlfriend. I was very unbelieving at the time and told him I didn't believe him at all. Surely there are always some exceptions but those are rarer than a guy might make you believe.

 

Anyways, this whole talk with this guy made me wonder whether it was also relevant to my life and I had to come to the conclusion that it was! All the guys that I hanged around with during my highschool years have all, in one way or another, admitted they liked me. For a very long time I thought that I had at least *one* male highschool friend that didn't think that way but he pretty much admitted it when I was in uni already...

I now live in a mixed student house with both guys (7) and girls (5). We are a very stable house and people rarely move out. In the beginning I was convinced we were one big family and that it didn't matter we were mixed but that changed after one year, I was just being very naive. The 3 guys I hanged around with most have all admitted they liked me. One backed off after I told him I didn't think of him in the same way and the other two are pretty much still trying to convince me.

What it comes down to is that when I think about it all the guys I do consider friends have at one point liked me, or still like me. Of course, every now and then there *might* be a guy who genuinly just thinks of you as a friend but I don't count on that anymore.

 

I've also had experience with female friends sleeping over at my boyfriends house. Now that I decided that I do not fully believe in the uncomplicated male-female friendship anymore I put up some restrictions. Some time ago my boyfriend had some friends over and I asked him, in a sarcastic way, how he was going to provide sleeping places for all of them. They don't live close, don't know anybody in the neighbourhood and his apartment isn't that big. What it came down to was that he was going to share his bed with one of his female friends. He told me I had nothing to worry and that he had also shared his bed with his sister. I pointed out it wasn't the same, I mean if you're going to do stuff with your sister you're a bit sick. He told me he'd rather do his sister than this friend of his, telling me they'd been friends forever and that she's fat. I told him I didn't care for his excuses and just didn't want him to sleep in the same bed with a different girl. He told me he didn't see the problem as he wasn't planning on doing anything with her. By that moment I was very angry with him. It's not like i'm asking him to make a big sacrifice or anything, I just asked him not to sleep in the same bed. How would it make him feel if I slept in the same bed with a different guy? He told me that was different. (men...) In the end he decided to share a bed with his male roomie, eureka, what a solution!

 

In my opinion even if nothing would ever happen it's always better to talk about it. He might not see the problem and might not even see it bugs you. Having talked about it and letting him know it bugs you and looking for a solution together works. Otherwise you're just going to lay awake 3 days a week hurting yourself over it and he'll sleep like a log not aware of your insecurities. Besides that I'm also sure it'll create tension in your relationship later on if you don't talk about this kind of stuff.

[thespiff]

I'd say I think about this the same way you do. At least from the point where a guy start calling a girl a very good friend/best friend I think this steps in. A guy once explained to me that a guy has the same prerequisites for a good female friend as he does for a girlfriend. I was very unbelieving at the time and told him I didn't believe him at all. Surely there are always some exceptions but those are rarer than a guy might make you believe.

 

Anyways, this whole talk with this guy made me wonder whether it was also relevant to my life and I had to come to the conclusion that it was! All the guys that I hanged around with during my highschool years have all, in one way or another, admitted they liked me. For a very long time I thought that I had at least *one* male highschool friend that didn't think that way but he pretty much admitted it when I was in uni already...

I now live in a mixed student house with both guys (7) and girls (5). We are a very stable house and people rarely move out. In the beginning I was convinced we were one big family and that it didn't matter we were mixed but that changed after one year, I was just being very naive. The 3 guys I hanged around with most have all admitted they liked me. One backed off after I told him I didn't think of him in the same way and the other two are pretty much still trying to convince me.

What it comes down to is that when I think about it all the guys I do consider friends have at one point liked me, or still like me. Of course, every now and then there *might* be a guy who genuinly just thinks of you as a friend but I don't count on that anymore.

 

I've also had experience with female friends sleeping over at my boyfriends house. Now that I decided that I do not fully believe in the uncomplicated male-female friendship anymore I put up some restrictions. Some time ago my boyfriend had some friends over and I asked him, in a sarcastic way, how he was going to provide sleeping places for all of them. They don't live close, don't know anybody in the neighbourhood and his apartment isn't that big. What it came down to was that he was going to share his bed with one of his female friends. He told me I had nothing to worry and that he had also shared his bed with his sister. I pointed out it wasn't the same, I mean if you're going to do stuff with your sister you're a bit sick. He told me he'd rather do his sister than this friend of his, telling me they'd been friends forever and that she's fat. I told him I didn't care for his excuses and just didn't want him to sleep in the same bed with a different girl. He told me he didn't see the problem as he wasn't planning on doing anything with her. By that moment I was very angry with him. It's not like i'm asking him to make a big sacrifice or anything, I just asked him not to sleep in the same bed. How would it make him feel if I slept in the same bed with a different guy? He told me that was different. (men...) In the end he decided to share a bed with his male roomie, eureka, what a solution!

 

In my opinion even if nothing would ever happen it's always better to talk about it. He might not see the problem and might not even see it bugs you. Having talked about it and letting him know it bugs you and looking for a solution together works. Otherwise you're just going to lay awake 3 days a week hurting yourself over it and he'll sleep like a log not aware of your insecurities. Besides that I'm also sure it'll create tension in your relationship later on if you don't talk about this kind of stuff.

Very interesting! I loved hearing your story and I agree that most guys seem to come onto us even if we think they may be just friends.

 

You're right, I should talk to him about it, but again, I don't want to come off as extremely jealous. As another poster said, I don't really have much say in it until I am his girlfriend.

 

Or do you or anyone else think I should bring it up now?

[milkmaterial]

there are other ways of suffering, but this is one of them.

[EasyHeart]

Observe them when they're together. Do they act more like a brother and sister or more like a boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

We basically have three models for male/female relationships: mother/son, sister/brother and boyfriend/girlfriend. It's usually pretty easy to tell which type it is when you see them together.

[Enchanted Girl]

Guys and girls can be just friends, but not BEST friends. There's romantic chemistry between them if they are best friends. It's partly how I gauge how interested a man is in me. If he shares more with me than any other person, then he's usually in love. My current boyfriend doesn't talk a lot, but he tells me more than he tells anyone else and that's the only reason why I don't get jealous of his female friends. He's closer to me in every way than he is to them and it's extremely obvious.

[vsmini]

I can see where you're coming from. I'm in my twenties and my ex had a best girl friend that was always in his business to where I thought it was in appropriate. She was always nice around me but she would get irritated if he went out on dates with me and when he started spending less time with her. If she called him while we were out to dinner he would pick up the phone (while we were eating) and they would start arguing.

 

Her: Why can't you come out I haven't seen you in 3 days!

Him: I'm out to dinner with X and we're going to her place after

Her: What? She won't let you hang out with me?

Him: No that's not it at all - I'm just out with my girlfriend

 

Then she would either hang up or he she would say something that made him reply "I'm sorry you feel that way"

 

Once she got a boyfriend she did lay off but it was just a selfish case of her best friend having a girlfriend and she didnt have a guy in her life so she felt left out. He once told me that she was the kind of person that didn't like being told what to do but loved telling other people what to do. Wow - Sign me up for a best friend like that!

 

Granted - my ex was a tool that should not be picking up phone calls in the middle of my birthday dinner date or any other date and he should have put her in her place - for that I can blame him, not her. But their "best friend" relationship was a nuisance in my case.

 

I'm glad to be rid of him, and her. I feel your pain and I have to say - there are so many fish in the sea (yes, the line is true) that if you think she's just going to cause you anxiety and irritation - then move onto another guy.

[Dust]

They already sex.

[welikeincrowds]

I'm going to hazard a guess and say legitimate opposite-gender close friendships like this are usually formed in high school, college, or through the experience of a mutual hardship.

 

Going to confuse the **** out of you now with some devil's advocate.

 

Speaking to my own experience, I have more than one girlfriend whom I am close to this way. I once stayed at one girl's house for 2 weeks or so, when I had a problem with my apartment. She slept over at my place, too. Same bed! Sometimes, we spooned!

 

There was only one single moment when we were ever close to hooking up, and in hindsight I'm surprised that it even got that far. We never ended up crossing that barrier, and I am 100% certain we never will, although I love her, and always will. It's because of this strong barrier, that didn't even waver in the weakest possible moments, that we are able to have such a close friendship.

 

Another friend of mine plays music, and we worked on some projects together. She would be over at my place all the time, all hours, just her and I. We were quite close. But she was in a loving relationship and neither of us had any desire. I love her too. She's having her first child soon!

 

It may not be worth it to you to get involved in a situation like this knowing what's up ahead of time. But a legitimate friendship here is not impossible.

 

An illegitimate friendship is also possible, lord knows I've had those.

 

I'd say the closest thing you could get to some confirmation is to learn if he has any best male friends, but there's no way to tell aside from witnessing the dynamic between these two for yourself.

 

And anyway, it's perfectly okay to say "I'm not okay with you sleeping over at her place." You're not! If either of them judge you for that, I'll get really mad.

[lizwashere]

My best friend of 20 years is a man and we have never been romantically involved in any way, in fact I've also become very friendly with his wife as well.

 

In these types of situations communication is the key - don't assume anything and try to be as open and mature as possible. How long have they been friends? How did they meet and what were the circumstances? If the two of you become closer and your relationship continues to get more serious I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask him more pointed questions regarding his friendship and relationship with her.

Edited May 7, 2011 by lizwashere

[Fondue]

Many women out there have guy best friends (I know of more than just "several"), so I see no reason why a man can't have a woman best friend.

 

I, for one, have a few really close female friends. I don't see any of them as anything more than just good friends. I'm not sure how tehy see me, but I'm rather sure it's the same. They don't see me as anything more than a great friend.

 

Would they sleep over my place if they needed to? Sure. I don't care. Will I be able to sleep over their places? Probably.

 

I don't see it as a major issue. If I'm wrong, then maybe I'm not a typical guy. Maybe it is sexual with them, I don't know.

 

I wouldn't be that worried. If you already don't trust him before even dating him, then why even date him at all? You're starting off poorly already.

[Darren Taylor]

In my own opinion, there is no platonic friendship between heterosexuals .

 

 

It can work, but only when there is no physical attraction. For me, I have female friends, but I also am not physically attracted to them in the least.

[tb24]

Normally, I'd say don't worry about it, but the fact she sleeps over at his house 3 nights a week is a huge red flag, imho. You definitely need to talk to him about it.

 

It is possible for men and women to be just friends though....

[milkmaterial]

its possible to be friends but i just never have this seen this in life. tbh the only time ever a guy wanted to be my best friend was because (like i had previously mentioned) we couldnt be together since i had a bf. sadly i was spending a lot of time more w/ him and this eventualy ruined my rel. w/ my bf.

i would really rather have a girl best friend (or best friends- i have 2 girls who i can tell my problems to) and i want my bf to be my other best friend.

 

also it would hurt me if bf had another woman to tell his problems and feelings too esp if the problem was about us. and i will rip him a new rectum if he answers his phone because she called in the middle of a bday dinner date.

i dont remember if my ex's back then had a best friend whos a girl. if they ever did, the girls knew when to "back off". i guess i look a bit like fairuza balk...crazy eyes and wild hair..better back off bitch. i had an ex back then who went out w/ a girl pal of his because she jsut broke up w/ her bf and needed to be cheered up. they watched a movie and ate out. my girl friends asked me"you tolerate that?" honestly i thought i was doing the right thing, by being cool about it and stuff, but deep inside i felt rotten.

 

i know people here are saying "dont worry about it" or "its normal jeez" but its all up to you. can you imagine doing this for the next 4-5 years? wouldnt you rather that YOU were the best friend? i'd say you need to really weigh your options. there are so many guys out there....believe me.

[thespiff]

I have no reason not to trust him, and I have NOT seen the two of them together.

 

We are still in the dating phase and I am scared to ask him too much information about the relationship, because I like him. I don't want to seem psycho and I don't want to scare him off.

 

If he has a best friend who is a girl, that's cool. Just don't want them sleeping in the same bed, Welikeincrowds said that him and his friend spooned sometimes, and I definitely do not want that!

 

I can handle him calling her. I can handle them talking all of the time and even hanging out. But it is that she is spending the night that upsets me...

 

I remember when he first told me his best friend was a girl, I was okay with it, until one night we were talking on the phone at midnight and I heard another girl giggling in the background when he said something funny. I said "Who is that?" He's like "It's my best friend". I was like "Wait.. she spends the night?"

 

I almost wanted to cry because I felt so bad about it... I should have asked earlier before I got so attached to him!!

 

He's like "Yeah she chills at my house and spends the night 3 times a week or more." When we are on the phone and he says something funny, she giggles like she thinks he's cute.

 

Also, when I was on the phone and she was spending the night, he told me he had to cut the conversation short because his friend was over. And it seemed like we were talking and having so much fun too... it "did" kind of hurt. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

[Eddie Edirol]

Find out if he finds her attractive, if they ever dated, or if she flirts with him. It sounds to me like she likes him and he is leading her on. if hes leading her on, then he either isnt attracted to her, or he slept with her already and is stringing her along. But you cant ask him not top hang with her, he has to WANT to do it himself. You have to have his heart for him to want to stop talking to her for your security. That will take a while.

 

If you get the feeling that she is stringing him along, then you need to run far far away.

[Enchanted Girl]

I have no reason not to trust him, and I have NOT seen the two of them together.

 

We are still in the dating phase and I am scared to ask him too much information about the relationship, because I like him. I don't want to seem psycho and I don't want to scare him off.

 

If he has a best friend who is a girl, that's cool. Just don't want them sleeping in the same bed, Welikeincrowds said that him and his friend spooned sometimes, and I definitely do not want that!

 

I can handle him calling her. I can handle them talking all of the time and even hanging out. But it is that she is spending the night that upsets me...

 

I remember when he first told me his best friend was a girl, I was okay with it, until one night we were talking on the phone at midnight and I heard another girl giggling in the background when he said something funny. I said "Who is that?" He's like "It's my best friend". I was like "Wait.. she spends the night?"

 

I almost wanted to cry because I felt so bad about it... I should have asked earlier before I got so attached to him!!

 

He's like "Yeah she chills at my house and spends the night 3 times a week or more." When we are on the phone and he says something funny, she giggles like she thinks he's cute.

 

Also, when I was on the phone and she was spending the night, he told me he had to cut the conversation short because his friend was over. And it seemed like we were talking and having so much fun too... it "did" kind of hurt. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

 

It DOES matter that he answers the phone when he's supposed to be spending time with you.

 

The fact is, he regularly puts HER above you when he answers the phone like that, especially on special occasions for you. And the woman who should be highest in your life is the one you are dating, not the one you are best friends with.

 

My boyfriend has girls for friends, but if I'm crying or its my birthday or I say that I need him, he'd immediately chose me over them, even if they were doing the same things. Because I'm his girlfriend and that means I am the most important woman in his life.

 

Do not agree to be his girlfriend unless he's ready to make you that most important woman.