Is this it?

[guy777]

I've had only a couple very short relationships (3-6 months) over the past 4 years. In both cases the women seemed to like me at first while I was dating another woman, but once I chose, the one I chose lost interest.

 

It's like I'm too intense and need two women to spread my neediness out on because it's too smothering for one. When I'm trying to juggle them, then I don't smother them. Problem is I don't like to juggle.

 

Both of these women started seeing other people while we were together. I knew they both had had 100s of guys before me, so wasn't that surprising to me. I tend to click with easy women. I really don't know how it goes dating a woman who isn't. It's like I would think something was wrong and just stop seeing them if we didn't have sex pretty quick. Doesn't really happen that dates don't want to have sex right away.. .. . So I've come away from those last two relationships thinking that maybe I'm a sucker to think men and women are monogamous. That thought doesn't really feel right to me, but I think maybe it's the world we live in. At the same time I think: I can't be so different that I'm the only one who wants monogamy. Of course, if you asked my past two GFs, I'm sure they would say that's what they want to. Didn't keep them from messing around on me though.

 

I got together with both of these women again after we broke up. I know I'm not up there on their sexual prowess list, but I guess they just like to be with someone who is a nice guy and familiar every once in awhile when the don't have something going on that night. But it was always hard for me to really get into it with them, even when we were together, because my mind always has me thinking they are wishing they are with some other bad boy that excites them more than I do. I know this lack of confidence doesn't help, but I think it's reality. . .. . For me I just like hanging with them. And I like having sex with them to, but I'm not that worried about it being mind blowing. Maybe that's the problem and I should be. Actually, it wasn't that great for me with these two either. But I think that's mainly the big head thing I just wrote about.

 

I stopped doing this but the only woman I could get to go out with me from the internet were women I really wasn't attracted to. I do that every once in awhile just to see if one of their personalities knock me out, but one didn't. They all seem to like me on those dates, but I don't call them back. Then I find myself putting up with crap from women I am attracted to. I just pander to them. They know I'm not straight up with them and I'm just trying keep things cool and not rock the boat. I've never tried being straight up because I'm afraid they would leave me if I was. Then of course they leave anyway.

 

So here I am, used and abused by women who really don't like me much. But will still go to bed with me if we hang out. This makes it hard for me to believe in the future that a GF could visit a ex without going to bed, because I always do.

 

Getting older now to, late 30's and never married. At least I'm getting past my stage about being unhappy about not having kids. But sucks if this is it. I think I need to try a relationship with a woman who isn't really easy, but have no idea how that works. I like to party a little bit. Not swinger orgies, but just have some drinks, traveling and musicfests.

 

I know this post got long, and not super focused. I guess it was good for me to type out, although it focuses a lot of negative. So, what are my biggest problems holding me back from the monogamous relationship with a cute (I prefer cute to hot, and not skinny . . .super model looks aren't my thing) woman I want?

[Eve]

I have been thinking about your post.

 

What do you do that is so different once you have chosen one woman? Does it just get boring or what?

 

Dunno, sounds to me like you may have to delay having sex a bit maybe and develop the relationship, so there is some foundation. Also, do you want love? I think this is something to ask yourself because this isn't directly mentioned within your post. Do you think these ladies feel that the relationship simply isn't going anywhere after a while?

 

Can you give love? I reckon most relationships are doomed because either party really is not able to love.

 

There is a definite difference in relationships where love is the focus and ones where sex becomes the focus.

 

H'mmm, there just didn't seem to be any romancing going on. Maybe romancing is not cool where you live, or something?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[guy777]

Thanks for you reply Eve.

 

"What do you do that is so different once you have chosen one woman?" - I think I have all my attention to focus on them, and it becomes overkill. I am intense and I like to talk about us and where we stand (insecure). And these women I was in a relationship with don't like that. "

 

"Does it just get boring or what?" - Yes, I think it gets boring for them

 

"Do you want love? - Yes, I want love.

 

"Do you think these ladies feel that the relationship simply isn't going anywhere after a while? " - Yes, strangely, even with me trying to get heavy, I think they think the relationship isn't going anywhere.

 

"Can you give love?" - Yes, I think I can. One of these women said she felt loved by me. The other told me she loved me first and I was a bit caught off guard, but then I was warming up to it while she started messing around a few weeks later. Both of them seemed to thrill in the pursuit, and then once they got me their interest went down.

 

" Maybe romancing is not cool where you live, or something? " - No, I think romancing is cool everywhere. But I'm probably not as romantic as I think I am.

 

I think it comes down to the age old thing, I have to start going after the women that want what I want. I haven't been doing that. These two apparently don't right now, or more so don't want it with me. One of them had me feeling that if I called her on anything she would just leave and not care. That's now way to feel in a relationship. The other, in hindsight, I almost wondered if she said she loved me to scare me off. Because after she told me, she was F'n other people a few weeks later. When I called her and told her I didn't want to be exclusive (note: not that I didn't want to see her) anymore, it was just "ok, bye" click. ... and didn't hear from her again until I called months later.

 

So the pattern with these two is I eventually stoop down to the level of willing to be one of their multiple partners, even when it's not what I want. Then I lose respect for myself while doing that. But I'll still try it with them periodically because I don't try to date others much. . . . I'm not looking for virgins here. In fact I've only had one virgin, when I was a virgin, and I don't want anymore. I just think I want to find somebody who thought I was special enough to not want to jump in bed with other people on the side. For some reason I trip that if the woman's sexual partners count is way up there, I'm not ranking very high on their hot lovers list because of the sheer numbers. It's kind of a turn off that she is settling for me even though I'm not rocking her world in bed. But I know there are relationships that are for sex and otherwise. I just don't like the fact that I'm the nice guy chump, not that world rocking stud. Of course they weren't complaining at first, and I can still get them in bed sometimes, so I must not be at the bottom either. But at the same time, these two were not at the top of my list, but I still wanted to be with them????

 

"sounds to me like you may have to delay having sex a bit maybe and develop the relationship, so there is some foundation" - I agree, but really don't know how to do this.

[Eve]

I think you may be right in what you have said about focusing on going for women who want what you ideally want. Also temperament is a massive factor. Both of the women mentioned are probably nice people and that but they just didn't sound like you.

 

I think you need to embrace who you are first.

 

It's like there wasn't really a connection with them and maybe you were more suited to be a brother figure in their lives rather than a lover? Maybe that's why you doubt your sexual prowess? I mean, you know what you are doing but it wasn't as free flowing maybe as it could be. It's like you were on show or something. That's the feeling I got. But you go out a lot and stuff and maybe that persona lingers a bit too long?

 

But I am British and tend to think we view relationships a bit differently. Here you just sort of go out with someone and I don't know, you are an item because of that.

 

BTW, I can't really diss people who do sleep with others quickly or anything because sometimes that 'something' is just there. Others need to nurture it because of their temperaments needing to find a balance. I am a bit like that... not wildly but a bit.

 

Yeah, so embrace that you are a nice guy who wants more. My Hubby is a 'nice guy' and complete geek. The man knows all sorts of crap and I have no idea why! but he embraces this aspect of himself and thus makes it attractive. He told me that women have tried to misuse him too in the past because of the way he is, which I can't really imagine because I suppose I am tuned into liking that. Make sure they really 'get you' and be a bit creative.

 

From what you say maybe the former ladies weren't into certain aspects of you, or you did not feel comfortable enough in showing them different parts of yourself. I know my Hubby behaves very differently when with others than how he behaves when with me. I kind of get the full picture. I do think that you have to be really close for that to happen.

 

So, work on yourself first. Accept yourself, the good bits and the bad bits.. we all have bad bits.

 

Maybe take the lead more? Direct attention to what you like and deal with any fallout. If you would like to do whatever, be upfront and say it. Be playful... You shouldn't put up with, well it sounds like a sense of being uneasy.

 

Reflection is good but don't fall into the reflection! I hope others can chip in too because although we are nearly the same age we live in different places. Although I am no angel, I am not familiar with the dating concept of seeing other people. I would be upset if someone I was interested in was even phoning someone else whilst we are together, never mind sleeping with them. WTF?

 

Right, chin up. Get back on the horse..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[tyciol]

I find myself putting up with crap from women I am attracted to. I just pander to them. They know I'm not straight up with them and I'm just trying keep things cool and not rock the boat. I've never tried being straight up because I'm afraid they would leave me if I was. Then of course they leave anyway. So here I am, used and abused by women who really don't like me much.

I found this a bit confusing to read, perhaps because you didn't clarify some details and glazed over them: when you talk about putting up with crap and being abused by these women, I'm not sure what you're referring to. It's sometimes better (while respecting your own privacy) to give some details to let people better judge the situation by for a detailed response. Largely here because issues like abuse/crap are pretty subjective labels and people who attach different levels of emotional intensity to the words may get an impression from them which deviates from the truth of your story.

[guy777]

tyciol - I really don't want to give specific details and stories. It would only be my side of the story anyway. And really, I wasn't "abused", so thanks for bringing that up. My heart just felt like it was afterward. But "used", yes, I do have some stories from both of these two where I was clearly used.

 

 

 

Eve, you really read into things well.

 

"probably nice people and that but they just didn't sound like you."

"brother figure in their lives rather than a lover" - Totally agree, just didn't want to face these facts.

 

"It's like you were on show or something" - Yes, that's how I felt in a way.

 

"I was interested in was even phoning someone else whilst we are together, never mind sleeping with them. WTF?" - See, if this is insecurity, it doesn't seem wrong to me. Good to know there are others who feel the same way.

 

"Here you just sort of go out with someone and I don't know, you are an item because of that" - Here in So Cal, the way I think anyway, people date others for awhile until agreeing to be an item.

 

"So, work on yourself first. Accept yourself." - I really haven't been accepting myself at all. The recent experiences haven't helped with building confidence. But at the same time, I'm realizing I need to get that confidence from myself and not use their acceptance of me as the gauge for how confident I feel.

 

"Maybe take the lead more?" - I think I lead pretty well. I've heard women want guys to have a plan, so I try to have one. I'm flexible about changing it, but not a complete push over.

 

"Reflection is good but don't fall into the reflection! " Wow, I've never heard/read someone say/write this before, but I like it. I really have a problem with this in various aspects of my life.

 

"Right, chin up. Get back on the horse.." -Thanks, yesterday I was at a bar watching the horse race and chatting up this woman for about 30 min. She was talking a lot, and then asked for my name after I asked hers. But when I asked "what's your number?" I got a "I don't give it out" Check please. . . But then I went to another bar and was dancing with all these women and some lady 15 years older that I wasn't really attracted to was trying to take me home. Didn't go thank goodness. But I didn't ask for any other numbers after getting shutdown earlier. I'm not one who likes getting rejected, so I decided not to go for multiple times in one day. But I think posting on this board got me out there trying, so that's good.

Edited May 9, 2011 by guy777

[Eve]

tyciol - I really don't want to give specific details and stories. It would only be my side of the story anyway. And really, I wasn't "abused", so thanks for bringing that up. My heart just felt like it was afterward. But "used", yes, I do have some stories from both of these two where I was clearly used.

 

 

 

Eve, you really read into things well.

 

"probably nice people and that but they just didn't sound like you."

"brother figure in their lives rather than a lover" - Totally agree, just didn't want to face these facts.

 

"It's like you were on show or something" - Yes, that's how I felt in a way.

 

"I was interested in was even phoning someone else whilst we are together, never mind sleeping with them. WTF?" - See, if this is insecurity, it doesn't seem wrong to me. Good to know there are others who feel the same way.

 

"Here you just sort of go out with someone and I don't know, you are an item because of that" - Here in So Cal, the way I think anyway, people date others for awhile until agreeing to be an item.

 

"So, work on yourself first. Accept yourself." - I really haven't been accepting myself at all. The recent experiences haven't helped with building confidence. But at the same time, I'm realizing I need to get that confidence from myself and not use their acceptance of me as the gauge for how confident I feel.

 

"Maybe take the lead more?" - I think I lead pretty well. I've heard women want guys to have a plan, so I try to have one. I'm flexible about changing it, but not a complete push over.

 

"Reflection is good but don't fall into the reflection! " Wow, I've never heard/read someone say/write this before, but I like it. I really have a problem with this in various aspects of my life.

 

"Right, chin up. Get back on the horse.." -Thanks, yesterday I was at a bar watching the horse race and chatting up this woman for about 30 min. She was talking a lot, and then asked for my name after I asked hers. But when I asked "what's your number?" I got a "I don't give it out" Check please. . . But then I went to another bar and was dancing with all these women and some lady 15 years older that I wasn't really attracted to was trying to take me home. Didn't go thank goodness. But I didn't ask for any other numbers after getting shutdown earlier. I'm not one who likes getting rejected, so I decided not to go for multiple times in one day. But I think posting on this board got me out there trying, so that's good.

 

 

Glad you didn't fall for another train wreck situation! too many of those can make a person jaded. I used to walk into those a bit and it was all a bit boring after a while.

 

Glad also that you liked the 'falling into your own reflection' bit.. I thought that quite profound too. In real life I am quit ditsy and so fall in love with words and sayings all the time. I love it when something profound comes about.

 

In short, I think you are being tugged towards improving yourself. Don't be fooled into thinking it is something else. It is a good thing. My theory is that we have lots of potential partners out there according to whatever vibration we are on. Once you truly decide that you want love and begin to seek and follow those 'eureka' type moments within your inner world you will find persons on that wavelength. I don't think this is gender specific so you can end up with a whole new set of friends.

 

Being quite an anal person, I stayed on my own for a while and really detailed what type of person I wanted as my mate. I even cut out a picture of someone who I thought was 'the ****' at the time, carefully listing all the qualities within his inner world that I regarded as being the ultimate combination.

 

I knew my Hubby was the one the moment he first spoke to me. It was like a cosmic smack in the mouth. It scared me a bit though.

 

.. But I had to really work on myself in the meantime. Kind of got myself ready for love. I really don't believe it is all a random thing.

 

Keep working on yourself and have fun with it all!

 

Seriously be the best you can be.

 

Fill yourself up with love each morning and go for it.

 

All these years later I pick up a book, 'The Power' it is called and all that I have been doing for years is right there in black and white.

 

Sorry for the plug but I am just so happy right now, you know?

 

I remember those first days of noticing that things weren't right though and I am glad that I did an about turn and concentrated on my inner life more so than my outer life. This view has guarded my health too.

 

Seriously, positivity is like infectious. That mad guessing game dating thing can only go so far.

 

I really really hope you find what you are looking for. I think you could be further down the track than you think! Don't doubt yourself. Don't wait for others to confirm what you are feeling.

 

Live true.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[guy777]

Good to hear the work on yourself has paid of!. I'm pretty hard on myself sometimes. There have been times when I've really concentrated on working on myself, and then I get down when I don't see the results I wanted. But then when I look deeper I really can identify some improvement and progress. I just get frustrated when I identify areas I want to improve and then I still make some of the same mistakes. . . . . But what an inspiration you are in putting in the work on yourself and seeing positive change in your life!

Edited May 10, 2011 by guy777