wheelwright Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I am an xMOW who was thrown under a bus at DDay. I thought I had met my soulmate. Nothing changes. I am someone who likes to get to the bottom of things, so I have spent a long time addressing the question 'why?' did he throw me over for a M he didn't seem to especially like. I am not interested in explanations about kids, or renewed love for BS. These may well be true in some cases, they are not that interesting is all. I have come up with some outlandish explanations during the 'crisis' and grief. He was a demon. He was a narcissist. I was so messed up I didn't know my own heart and fell for it. I deliberately set out to ruin my M so I didn't have to do the kill directly. He saw that and didn't want the responsibility. I needed to experience this for my Karma. Men are b******s. Is there an explanation or 'story' you stick to in why you were thrown under a bus?
fooled once Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I am an xMOW who was thrown under a bus at DDay. I thought I had met my soulmate. Nothing changes. I am someone who likes to get to the bottom of things, so I have spent a long time addressing the question 'why?' did he throw me over for a M he didn't seem to especially like. I am not interested in explanations about kids, or renewed love for BS. These may well be true in some cases, they are not that interesting is all. I have come up with some outlandish explanations during the 'crisis' and grief. He was a demon. He was a narcissist. I was so messed up I didn't know my own heart and fell for it. I deliberately set out to ruin my M so I didn't have to do the kill directly. He saw that and didn't want the responsibility. I needed to experience this for my Karma. Men are b******s. Is there an explanation or 'story' you stick to in why you were thrown under a bus? I am not understanding what you are asking/inquiring about. Maybe because I was the one who ended it?
Author wheelwright Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 "Is there an explanation or 'story' you stick to in why you were thrown under a bus?" This one is easy. Because you weren't his soulmate. Oh, were you wanting us to say something so you could feel better about yourself? Sorry. You're probably no different than any other AP that's been thrown under the bus. On the contrary. I am quite thorough, and being singularly unimportant has been one of the reasons I came up with.
jwi71 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I am an xMOW who was thrown under a bus at DDay. I thought I had met my soulmate. Nothing changes. I am someone who likes to get to the bottom of things, so I have spent a long time addressing the question 'why?' did he throw me over for a M he didn't seem to especially like. I am not interested in explanations about kids, or renewed love for BS. These may well be true in some cases, they are not that interesting is all. I have come up with some outlandish explanations during the 'crisis' and grief. He was a demon. He was a narcissist. I was so messed up I didn't know my own heart and fell for it. I deliberately set out to ruin my M so I didn't have to do the kill directly. He saw that and didn't want the responsibility. I needed to experience this for my Karma. Men are b******s. Is there an explanation or 'story' you stick to in why you were thrown under a bus? STOP. This exercise is POINTLESS. You will NEVER know. This question buzzing in your ears will ONLY drive YOU crazy. Why, why, why, why.... Answer: He wanted to. Yes it IS that simple. Care to dig deeper? Why did he choose to? Answer, kids, money, whatever.... Why did he choose those over you? Answer,...whatever... There is an ENDLESS parade of why's. Nothing ever gets accomplished really. No answers, just wasted energy on a man who chose "not you". Its not about you or your worth to him, yourself or anyone else. It was always about him. Now STOP. They why's do nothing. They solve nothing. Now drop this burden you CHOOSE to carry. The future is in front of you, not behind.
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 and being singularly unimportant has been one of the reasons I came up with. Maybe, maybe not. You will never actually know why unless he has the balls to tell you the truth. Don't let this kill you inside. It's not the end of the world. He changed his mind, for whatever reason (and he has that right), even throwing you under the bus, he has that right. Some people do that to save their own ass.. They will throw someone, anyone, under the bus..Whether it be caught in an A, caught cheating on a test, blaming a coworker for a mistake that was made and not owning up to it. It happens. I'm sure he didn't "plan" it, the opportunity presented itself and he did what he thought was best for HIMSELF. Save his own ass.
Author wheelwright Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Maybe, maybe not. You will never actually know why unless he has the balls to tell you the truth. Don't let this kill you inside. It's not the end of the world. He changed his mind, for whatever reason (and he has that right), even throwing you under the bus, he has that right. Some people do that to save their own ass.. They will throw someone, anyone, under the bus..Whether it be caught in an A, caught cheating on a test, blaming a coworker for a mistake that was made and not owning up to it. It happens. I'm sure he didn't "plan" it, the opportunity presented itself and he did what he thought was best for HIMSELF. Save his own ass. I like this. Not the comments about me being hung up though. It is difficult in these forums, because we see each other move through extreme hurt and onto better fields. And it is not always clear when the line has been crossed, and someone should be over something but you feel exasperated that they haven't. I am over it. I asked for different reasons. Your answer other than that was perfect!
Emme Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 The question is do you really want to know why. We try to piece together the reasoning but in the end it's for the greater good. I morned because I lost someone I love. It's best it's done now rather than later as I think the pain becomes greater as time goes on. Would we really be satisfied with fact or fiction. Either way won't make the pain go away or give us back the one we care for. You have to be strong and think positive. It's a list of things why they stay, not just one. I just deal with the fact that he wanted his marriage to work. He loves his family and he wants to make it work. We've both kept each other from living full lives and now is the time to change that. It's just a wake up call.
Circular Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Fate up against your will? I know where you are coming from WW, it's a question that runs through my head every day. I wasn't thrown under the bus, but it all changed suddenly, like within a couple of weeks at best. Fortunately I have a conversation trail that spans back a few years between xMW and I. It's hard to read at times, sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it tears me up, sometimes I read what I didn't read so long ago. Struggle, torment, conflict, things I didn't really see because I was being selfish, self focused. Over the last 18 months I've learned a new level of compassion and understanding of xMW, a woman trying to do the right thing for her children regardless of her own happiness, something she's been willing to trade many times. I've learned to accept this, that it's not about me, what I said, how I acted, but it's truly about where she was, what she decided she needed to do to feel whole. I only truly wish her to be happy, with our without me. So in many ways the answer is really irrelevant, the only thing that matters is that she believes in, and is happy with her decision.
thissecretgirl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 (edited) I think the reason we ended at Dday was for a number of reason; he was a dominant, I took all the control and ultimately he couldnt handle that; His life (mormon elder) was so vastly different I think he chose the option he knew best and he was scared. He admitted this himself. As a previous poster said, he did what he thought was best for himself and what he could do to save his ass. Honestly though, I dont think about it anymore. It is what it is. I am happy to say I have moved on from that point in my life. I live very close to them and realised the otherday that now I drive past their house without even noticing. I have a new relationship which I am enjoying immensely and I am having fun and laughing a whole lot more! With acceptance comes peace. I would say try not to analyse, I did this ad nauseum and it was only was I stopped myself that the acceptance came. Intead try and accept the situation is what it is, for whatever reason, it is what it is. Good luck! ETA: oops sorry I just saw the bit above that said you are over it. In which case ignore the majority of my post! Edited May 7, 2011 by thissecretgirl mistake
pureinheart Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Maybe, maybe not. You will never actually know why unless he has the balls to tell you the truth. Don't let this kill you inside. It's not the end of the world. He changed his mind, for whatever reason (and he has that right), even throwing you under the bus, he has that right. Some people do that to save their own ass.. They will throw someone, anyone, under the bus..Whether it be caught in an A, caught cheating on a test, blaming a coworker for a mistake that was made and not owning up to it. It happens. I'm sure he didn't "plan" it, the opportunity presented itself and he did what he thought was best for HIMSELF. Save his own ass. WWIU, gf, you out did yourself with this response! What I don't get, in these and other cases where no jail time is involved, is after you've been caught, why not tell the truth instead of making everyone else look like the bad guy...I mean hey...your busted, your not going to jail, so what is the freaking big deal. I sincerely believe in letting the chips fall where they may. If I do something that another doesnot like and I tell them what went down and they choose to roll after that...well, what can I say? If I loose a job over it, oh well, that means it wasn't meant to be. I can't remember being thrown under a bus in a romantic situation, although was in other situations, like friends and such...although that doesn't happen anymore because I'm better at reading people and don't let that type in my life...oh wait, I did get thrown under the bus by my ex...he had several A's, I had one and left him, he then told the world how messed up I was...I never told anyone of his A's....
Silly_Girl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I am not understanding what you are asking/inquiring about. Maybe because I was the one who ended it? Then the Q is not aimed at you, FO
Silly_Girl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 WW, I don't see it as a fault in any way that you want to understand this. Be married and having an affair with a married person is probably one of the most dramatic periods of your life. Of course you want to put the jigsaw pieces together. I do think a lot of men, where these situations are concerned, are inherently lazy. Often the woman in the R does the legwork, the structural stuff. There's a few men I have known or read about who appear to be paralysed by sloth! That, to me, is almost the worst one of all. But not to be underestimated, I fear. I have had the opportunity to learn why my bf walked away from us. But his reasons may not be your guys reasons so I'm not going to superimpose him on to your sitch. But I'm sure there's more than one or two or three reasons. And I'm sure there was a good deal of pain involved.
OpenBook Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Is there an explanation or 'story' you stick to in why you were thrown under a bus? (Note: My answer applies to all my love relationships that didn't work out - all the single guys as well as the 1 MM I got involved with, all those years ago.) All is fair in love and war. People change their minds about others all the time, whether they "have a right to" or not (and who exactly deems this right anyway??). The heart wants what it wants... or doesn't want. Loving somebody can be so incredibly painful. When it ends, you feel like you're thrown out in the cold naked. You are left with nothing. But after awhile, you realize this is an illusion. You still have yourself - and that is all you ever need. Everything happens for a reason. Get back up. You've got a lot more living to do.
fascinated Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I'll have to agree with the why? answer "to save his ass" -- that is perfectly succinct.
26pointblue Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 It is easier to stay put than to take action & make change. You yourself are doing that by staying with your husband when you were in love with this OM & say he was supposed to be your soulmate. I mean, is that not inertia/ staying stuck instead of making change? Forgive me if you have been actively working on fixing your marriage & focusing on your husband & yourself instead of your xMM. But I think if you are not doing this then you are staying stuck. I'm saying this out of experience - I can say I want to get over xMM & live my life but unless I'm actually trying to do it [which I am now], I am purposefully staying stuck. I think that men especially are afraid of change, they are very comfortable at home & even if they truly believe [instead of just telling us to get us to feel sorry for them or not feel guilty] that their wives are b^tchy or cold or whatever, they feel very comfy sitting at home being the king of their castles. They are not going to get that with us OWs - with us they will get upheaval & change & they are afraid. I also agree with the theory that they want to save their a$$. And maybe once their wife actually finds out & gets upset, do they finally realize the extent of damage they caused, & feel bad & want to make things right, at least temporarily, until boredom creeps back in. I think I was my xMM's ego boost. He used me to feel good about himself & feel young & admired, but when the moment of truth came [& came again, & came again], he chose to stay put or go crawling back home. I can only iamgine what he said about me, as I have heard what he says about his wife & it isn't pretty. My point is that it is easier to stay stuck & cake-eat until the last possible minute, & then to choose the one who has always been there & is still there & represents the least amount of risk & the most amount of comfort/familiarity/security. So that is why - plain & simple. The why is that it's easier. It is very hard to grow & change, for anyone -- OW or MM or just anyone. So people tend to stay where they are even if they like the momentary rush of something new. They like to put their toes in the water of something new but when push comes to shove they stay with the familiar. Maybe it's just human nature.
fooled once Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Then the Q is not aimed at you, FO I knew it wasn't aimed at me SG. I was stating I didn't understand the question; but considering WW liked WWIU answer, I have since then figured it out.
26pointblue Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I think the reason we ended at Dday was for a number of reason; he was a dominant, I took all the control and ultimately he couldnt handle that; His life (mormon elder) was so vastly different I think he chose the option he knew best and he was scared. He admitted this himself. As a previous poster said, he did what he thought was best for himself and what he could do to save his ass. Honestly though, I dont think about it anymore. It is what it is. I am happy to say I have moved on from that point in my life. I live very close to them and realised the otherday that now I drive past their house without even noticing. I have a new relationship which I am enjoying immensely and I am having fun and laughing a whole lot more! With acceptance comes peace. I would say try not to analyse, I did this ad nauseum and it was only was I stopped myself that the acceptance came. Intead try and accept the situation is what it is, for whatever reason, it is what it is. Good luck! ETA: oops sorry I just saw the bit above that said you are over it. In which case ignore the majority of my post! Well I'm glad you missed the post above it because your post really helped me. I needed to hear that. By nature I think a lot & over-analyze everything, especially emotional stuff & relationships . . . even with things like co-workers or acquaintances, if something happens that seems off, I think over & over again about what I could have done wrong, or what was happening that I overlooked, etc. I'm overly sensitive & emotional & I also think a lot . . . just a bad combination for accepting things, I guess. But I've started to realize that I will never understand everything, that some things just can't be understood & I need to just take it for what it is or was & move on. That is definitely something I'm learning from this & the hardest part for me, but still in a way a positive thing in that I can learn it & grow. Thanks for the post. Sorry Wheelwright for the t/j.
26pointblue Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (Note: My answer applies to all my love relationships that didn't work out - all the single guys as well as the 1 MM I got involved with, all those years ago.) All is fair in love and war. People change their minds about others all the time, whether they "have a right to" or not (and who exactly deems this right anyway??). The heart wants what it wants... or doesn't want. Loving somebody can be so incredibly painful. When it ends, you feel like you're thrown out in the cold naked. You are left with nothing. But after awhile, you realize this is an illusion. You still have yourself - and that is all you ever need. Everything happens for a reason. Get back up. You've got a lot more living to do. Yeah I've been reading about Buddhism lately because it inspires me to rely only on myself & not become attached to other people or things. But then I start to have an issue with it because I feel it is natural for people to be connected to other people, & to form relationships & want those relationships to last. But then I come back to, well, I need to make better choices about who I connect with & get into a relationship with. Because yes there's always a chance that any relationship will end but the risk is much greater with an MM & it's like I was setting myself up for disappointment. So of all people to form a connection with that I didn't want to end . . . that was not the right choice. I do want to have a good relationship & be able to rely on someone & I understand there are no guarantees but I sure made the wrong choice picking someone already married & willing to cheat & so able to lie so much about everything. [i don't think he even knew he was lying sometimes. ] So in that sense it's a learning experience & it goes back to only having myself & my own judgment & values etc. I'm not sure I agree that everything happens for a reason. I think we can learn from every experience & turn negatives into positives but I think we are just a part of a big chaotic universe where in the grand scheme of things, we are unimportant. Like natural disasters . . . yeah they happen for a scientific 'reason' & someone can eventually learn & grow after one, but I wouldn't necessarily say that if someone lost their family or something in one that it happened for a 'reason' . . . it just happened. With relationships though I've started to learn that things happen because I make choices, good or bad, & allow things to happen to me. Wow I'm really going off the deep end with these philosophical thoughts tonight. I know I sound disjointed but it is helping me to think about things in different ways.
26pointblue Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Carrot gave me a link to a story about Funkdog, & in the same blog was this picture & quote about acceptance that really drove the idea home for me, for some reason. http://lorisays.wordpress.com/2010/04/06/acceptance/
OpenBook Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Yeah I've been reading about Buddhism lately because it inspires me to rely only on myself & not become attached to other people or things. But then I start to have an issue with it because I feel it is natural for people to be connected to other people, & to form relationships & want those relationships to last. I'm right there with ya, 26. I've had a lifelong struggle with this little jewel of a conundrum. It's not easy to resolve. For me, it has taken many missteps, black eyes and outright falls flat on my face just to learn it. And I'm still working on it. I do want to have a good relationship & be able to rely on someone & I understand there are no guarantees but I sure made the wrong choice picking someone already married & willing to cheat & so able to lie so much about everything. [i don't think he even knew he was lying sometimes. [/b]] Don't be too hard on yourself for this. He was deceptive with you, his W, and with himself. That burden is on him. And we don't just wake up one day magically empowered with excellent discernment skills. Most of us have to learn it the hard way, compliments of gritty, dirty, chaotic life experience. But at least we're learning it! With relationships though I've started to learn that things happen because I make choices, good or bad, & allow things to happen to me. Me too. We have more power & influence over our own lives than we realize. And much of that is in the choices we make. But (and this is another hard lesson I've had to grope around for) our choices do NOT define us. They do reflect parts of our character and where we are / how we're doing at a certain point in time... but they do not write the book on who we are. Every day gives us another chance to ink a fresh page, go in a different direction. :bunny:
bentnotbroken Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Every day gives us another chance to ink a fresh page, go in a different direction. :bunny: ^^^^^This. The best quote of the day. :bunny::bunny:
datura_noir Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I guess I just take issue with one statement that for the MM to stay married, he feels safe, while to pursue his dreams (OW), he must have courage.There is the implication that the BW is a pansy or a doormat, and life in the marriage is dull... Marriage is dull because the WS is probably making it dull on a lot of levels. I'm no push over or doormat, or shrinking violet. I am a passionate woman who challenges and questions my man when I have a different viewpoint. I just hate the implication that the WS is going back to his hum drum existence, meanwhile the fabulous OW (vs frumpy wife) revels in her newfound singledom. That was hardly the truth in my situation.
OpenBook Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 ^^^^^This. The best quote of the day. :bunny::bunny: Thanks bent. That's my story, and I'm stickin to it.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I am an xMOW who was thrown under a bus at DDay. I thought I had met my soulmate. Nothing changes. I am someone who likes to get to the bottom of things, so I have spent a long time addressing the question 'why?' did he throw me over for a M he didn't seem to especially like. Is there an explanation or 'story' you stick to in why you were thrown under a bus? The explanation is that you have falsely assumed MM threw you over for a marriage he didn't especially like. The reason I know it's a false assumption is because you clearly say his actions show that he likes the marriage more than you. Affairs are isolating, just as abusive relationships are. As a result, OW is isolated from perspectives other than those of the MM. That means OW/OM are getting all their "information" from a MM who is openly demonstrating to her -- on a routine basis -- that he is a lying, manipulative cheat. That was your first mistake. It's a mistake that is made all the time, as is evident from these threads. Affairs are often no different than abusive relationships, IMO. I'm glad you're out of it. Don't analyze this. He was unhealthy, and you can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy (lying/manipulative/secretive) partner. He did you a favor. You'll eventually see this.
Silly_Girl Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 The explanation is that you have falsely assumed MM threw you over for a marriage he didn't especially like. The reason I know it's a false assumption is because you clearly say his actions show that he likes the marriage more than you. May be true. But I think it's more complex than that. The number of issues and obstacles are far more than: do you like your AP more than your marriage? There's kids, jobs/relocation perhaps, guilt, worry of alienating old friends, financial concerns, possibly wider family issues. It's a very wide picture. Not everyone feels able to take the risk. Some absolutely subscribe to 'better the devil you know'. Some do that (stay) and regret it for many, many years...
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