Constantly thinking of other women, need before I do something I regret

[jondoh]

I'm doing something I never thought I would do...post on a love/relationship forum. I spilling my beans here and will try to be as honest as I can...and hopefully in return, some of you will be able to give me some honest advice/feedback/thoughts.

 

I'm a 28 year-old guy whos been in a relationship for about 5 years. The girl I am with now, was my first....yes, I was a virgin at 23. Why I waited so long... is a mixture of insecurities as well as my own desire to find someone I really liked. In case anyone is wondering, I am not ugly or have any kind of embarrassing "situation" going on physically - I am actually pretty good looking, relatively fit, tall etc. - I've always just been extremely shy when it came to my sexuality and never comfortable enough (looking back now, I was ridiculously insecure for no reason) to explore sexually. I could of lost my virginity 10 years ago. anyway...

 

I am now finding myself constantly attracted to other woman and lusting for them. I don't know if this is because I feel the need to "experience more"...because I am just made that way (men are just wired to be attracted to woman constantly) or because I am just not satisfied with my relationship. I am starting to think...maybe this boils down to my gf's physic. Although, I find her sexy, has a beautiful face...the only thing is she has a few "extra" pounds that I wouldnt mind she lose, which she is actually trying to do now.. but nothing I think could be considered unattractive. I've always felt pretty sexually satisfied, but my limited experience tells me that is hard to really know. As far as our sex life, we are pretty regular although at times sporadic (several times a week, sometimes a day... other times nothing for a several days). But I can't help but feel like I want more. I've found myself watching online porn too and visually enjoying other women.

 

Is my "sexually inexperienced" subconscious telling me I need to explore more while I'm still young and while the "iron is hot" ?! I can't help but be jealous of friends who have had more partners..or have the freedom to explore what they want. I feel my relationship..and the limitations of it, affects my social life as well. It has made me unhappy, moderately depressed and somewhat "obsessed" with other women.

 

I really hate myself for this...I feel there's a deadly cocktail of emotions going on...guilt, embarrassment...envy. It's been quite a dilemma for me as I do truly have strong feelings for my gf....and as sick as this might sound, if i could would try the dating scene for a while...and eventually come back to her...because she has all the qualities I am looking for in a woman. But who does that!?

 

Where things get complicated is that I feel it is making me unhappy...I feel unfulfilled and lately, depressed. I feel like I am wasting my youth, and that I am going to end up regretting it. My gf has no clue of this, as I would never be able to have an open discussion about this and come out alive at the other end..it would most likely end the relationship...in dramatic fashion no less. I just can't stand having these thoughts every day...every time I see a woman i find remotely attractive, I wish I was single. Lately i've had some experiences where I've been around other women, and I resist the urge to flirt. I do somewhat flirt, but its not what *I* would consider flirting. And the worst thing is I feel i could definitely be dating and "experiencing". So feeling like im "missing out" is literally gutting me alive lately. I thought about breaking up, and just being honest...but i feel like a ****ing pig. Like seriously, who dumps someone they know they have, and always will have, strong feelings for... because they feel they need to sleep with more women!? I know my situation is probably uncommon..but am I normal? Does lust really conquer "love" in this situation?

 

....I'm hoping some of you can share of bit of their experience/thoughts on this. Please dont hesitate to ask any question, no matte how harsh/weird/etc. they may be Thanks in advance.

 

- Some confused guy

[Nexus One]

I know my situation is probably uncommon..but am I normal?

 

I don't think it's uncommon, since 50% of men in relationships cheat. That being said almost half of all women in relationships also cheat, they're gaining up on the guys and catching up I guess.

 

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but when men hit 30 their sexual activity tends to increase quite dramatically. According to the Kinsey Institute men between 30 and 40 years old are the most sexually active in their life, even more active than women between their 20's and 30's. You can already distill from those numbers that there's a lot of cheating going on.

 

I'm not sure what I can say to help. Perhaps you need to re-develop a crush on your girlfriend to re-spark the fire and your desire for her. But if you feel you are losing the battle to stay loyal, then I think it's better to talk about it with her than to cheat. Who knows, perhaps you two can work out a solution, but I believe you when you say she will not take that lightly and it might mean the end of the relationship. But at least you didn't then screw her over and cheat on her. Either way it will be hurtful for her and difficult for you both I think. I hope other forum members can give you some solid advice on this.

Edited May 7, 2011 by Nexus One

[TuffCookieX]

This makes me think of that awesome movie, Hall Pass. Not sure your gf would go for it....

 

I have a friend who lost her virginity to her bf and vice versa, they have been together for 8 years and recently got engaged. When I asked her if she ever fantasized about being with someone else, she said no. Maybe that will change later on, they are still very young (23).

[chuckles11]

OP, As someone who had similar feelings in a past relationship, I will till you, that things will not get better. The feelings you have are just going to fester and grow. Ultimately, you don't appear to be ready to settle down. As you are finding out, you aren't going to be able to just convince yourself to stop wanting to date other women.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and for your girlfriend is to have the courage to end the relationship and spend a few years dating other people and getting the experience that you feel you need. It's not fair to either her or you to stay in a relationship that is not satisfying you anymore.

 

Also, let go of the idea that someone has to hurt you or somehow upset you for it to have justification to end a relationship. Sometimes relationships end because your needs change and the person you are with can no longer meet them.

 

If you do end the relationship, you will feel guilt and there will be times where you are lonely and feel like you made a mistake. Single life can be lonely at times. However, there will also be times when you will feel a lot of relief over the decision you made. Ultimately, you will learn things about yourself that will make you better prepared for you next long term relationship.

[jondoh]

what you say makes sense chuckles. thanks to the others who have replied. i appreciate it.

[Flgirl44]

I would say it's time to leave the relationship. Just try to be respectful and not flip flop around. Good luck!