Titania22 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 How much of our desire to date and/or have a relationship is the desire to share our lives with someone, and how much is it to just add novelty to our lives?
Author Titania22 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 I don't want either. I want a relationship for other reasons. Do tell! Please. I am trying to understand the underlying impulses, of why I behave and feel and think the way I do regarding this subject. Expanding to a large field of reference will no doubt help.
Cee Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Not much difference between my close friends and my boyfriend. Steady sex and cuddling is the biggest difference. But it counts for a lot because that skin to skin contact speaks more than 100,000 words.
Nexus One Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 The desire I feel to find a significant other does not stem from the things you mention. I feel something resonating in myself that says: "I want something meaningful" That's what my body seems to be telling me without actually using words. It's not a thought that crosses my mind. I'm suspecting it's something biological, because I didn't have that feeling a year ago. It's not sex drive, that's different, that can be quenched by short term gratification. This feeling can't be quenched by a short term "solution". I know this intuitively and because I have been having it since the beginning of December 2010. What I do know is that it's a powerful feeling. It also kind of makes me fairly fearless and brings out a manly attitude in me. It apparently also makes me do things that I never used to do before, like visiting a love forum, listening to love songs, watching romantic movies. Those are things that either did not cross my mind before or from which I purposefully refrained before this feeling started. I've noticed that on the days where the feeling is weaker I also tend to not do those things. In fact it's so powerful that it's almost scary, because it influences your perspective, your actions, your attitude, your thoughts, your mental state, your work, your hobbies. At times I wish I had a button to turn it off, because I haven't been able to turn it off willfully so far and there seems no escape from it. I actually haven't been feeling like myself for these last 6 months, it has been that influential on my life.
Author Titania22 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 I thankyou for your responses. I see where you are all coming from, and it is really lovely. I mean no disrespect with my use of the word novelty. And I understand that it can feel like something negative, that we should never admit to. But I brought up the word because to me it means a new or unfamiliar thing or experience, variety, the quality of being new, original or unusual. Because the experience of getting to know a particular person, is full of newness, and the unexpected, and has the effect of causing change within our lives, I would class it as novel. Always Looking Back said "I want someone who will think more highly of me than I am and a woman I will think more highly of than she is". If that is an experience that you haven't had up until now, then on some level, having that experience is a novel experience. Likewise, when people say they want children, part of why they say it, is because they haven't done it. That doesn't discount the other reasons they want children. Also children add tons of novelty to life, because they are always doing the unexpecteded. For a person that craves order and control in their life, having children is completely the opposite. So basically, my original question was about the extremes between wanting a situation that is completely dependable and predictable, and wanting a situation that is constantly surprising and changeable. I would argue that what all of you describe lies somewhere on the continuum between the 2 extremes, and i would ask where on that continuum?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 How much of our desire to date and/or have a relationship is the desire to share our lives with someone, and how much is it to just add novelty to our lives? This is likely deeper than most are willing to figure out... At the core, the best thing we can get from a lover is their facilitating a constant (trustworthy, dependable, predictable) in our lives toward which we can project our deepest, warmest, and most wonderful feelings. The greatest satisfaction comes our way when these very same high values we projected, bounce predictably off of them and right back to maximize our own satisfaction. Even sex is like this too. Your lover doesn't release some sort of a Genie who then finds its way inside of you and then 'gives' you your sexual satifaction (orgasm). Your lover is just there, representing... and allowing you the strong confidence that he is going to STAY there... predictably... as you sort of 'seek your own climax' while projecting and anticipating his body along the way. The vulnerability you expose either emotionally or physically/sexually is the ultimate turn-on only when your lover adheres to most of what you were anticipating from him. Consider that you COULD get much of this same satisfaction from the Manchester United soccer team if you were a rabid fan. Well consider that they don't know or care that you exist, and realize that it is your own projection and will for making that team important to you, which comprises the bulk of the satisfaction you gained from any success they had. Making yourself vulnerable to someone... really vulnerable... to a depth you can't attain at the coffee shop, or in the workplace... can bring life's greatest satisfaction. But any success that way for you was mostly YOUR doing. (you just found somebody similarly motivated who understands that to be simultaneously vulnerable with someone can bring the highest highs and/or the lowest lows)
Feelin Frisky Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 How much of our desire to date and/or have a relationship is the desire to share our lives with someone, and how much is it to just add novelty to our lives? What an excellent philosophical question. I don't think anyone can answer for anyone else however. For myself, now that you've caused me to think about it, the ideal is to share my life with someone. We can't always be sure we've allowed the right person into our lives however so maybe the novelty thing has to precede. But when I think of sex I think of it as sharing my private experience with someone and wanting them to share their experience with me. It's not a "take" or "give" thing but definitely a share. I can say I wish I had developed a philosophy on this much earlier in life than I did. It would have probably helped me express myself better in some circumstances.
Author Titania22 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Thankyou SincereOnlineGuy and FeelinFrisky. You have both made some excellent points. And it is my pleasure to occasionally ask questions that get us all thinking a bit (dusting off our mental cobwebs, so to speak). I really agree with you both, but I think I am quite prone to getting caught in living life as if it were a procession of novelties, and when I do that, I get mesmerised by the superficial. I also think when I present myself to the dating world, I present myself as a novelty, enticing in the short term. I don't know how this relates, but something my last boyfriend used to say regularly was that I never made him feel secure. I think when you are talking about sharing and being vunerable, maybe I am missing some subtlety needed to create the space where a man can feel safe to express himself. Just an idea.
Cee Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 As for the novelty of short term dating, it lost its luster. I need to relax into a person to truly enjoy the benefits of intimacy. Going to a party and chatting with ten people is fun, but the one deep talk is what I remember. I don't find relationships predictable. They unfold and reveal new layers of not of him, but me. And us. I marvel at the complexity of people and how we constantly use our intellect, intuition, and emotions to act. I have known my best friend for almost 20 years and I am still riveted by him. I know him so well yet I never tire of him. And he has made me a better person and the risks he takes helps me. And this friendships and others are almost enough for me to be fulfilled in relationships. But my boyfriend gets to me on a chemical level. It is beyond words which is refreshing. There is nothing to analyze. When he is in my presence, something deep in me wants to stop and listen. And I don't know why I like his smell or his looks or his touch. But I can say that he is the only person who I truly "sense" because all 5 senses are involved. This is tough to discuss because it is so intuitive and instinctual. And it must go beyond reproduction. I have never wanted children, but always wanted a mate. Thanks Tatania for pushing me to think.
Author Titania22 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Your Welcome Cee. What you describe is really beautiful, and I am sure that I want that too. In fact, I wouldn't be doing all this thinking right now, if I didn't want to change my behaviours so that maybe one day I can experience something similar to what you have. I do understand what you mean, because even in my last relationship I experienced some similar things. As much as it was not ideal, I still got to experience loving a man completely 100%, and the inspiration to always want to be the best I could be, and the knowledge of being accepted even if I was less than that. I am glad I pushed you to think, because the result is delightful.
Intricategirl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Right now, I'm in a difficult position. I want a relationship and someone to share my life with. But at the stage I'm at, it's a weird time for me. The worst thing that could happen to me is falling in love tomorrow and having to make some difficult choices that speak to the very essence of who I am. Because of that, I would love to have a long-term, monogamous FWB partner. No feelings on either side, just a f-buddy when we each need it. That would last for the next year and a half, and then I'm gone and never look back. The problem is, I think it's so unrealistic to expect something like that to be possible without feelings getting involved on one side or the other, that I'm not seeking any sort of relationship at all. If I can't reconcile the two, I don't have any business dragging anyone else through it until I figure out exactly what I want and what works for me. Furthermore, it's crappy for me to ask for an exclusive relationship while I have every intention of moving away. They aren't able to develop any relationships, not even with me, so I'm using them without anything in return to them. It's just not worth it to me right now. That being said, my nature is for a stable relationship. I get enough novelty through other aspects in my life that I have never felt the need to seek it in my love life.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I think when you are talking about sharing and being vunerable, maybe I am missing some subtlety needed to create the space where a man can feel safe to express himself. Just an idea. Lets not ignore the GLARING reality in our society that LOTS of people - women especially - are 'wronged' well before they are old enough to make their own choices about much of anything. For those people, merely willing themselves to be vulnerable on command, can be next to impossible. I'm sure there is a sliding scale which relates directly to relative severity of past experiences and abuses suffered, that determines how much vulnerability a person can dare 'expose' without first needing some amounts of therapy to overcome what we'll call 'setbacks' (knowing full well that the experiences can be majorly life-altering). With so many different criteria and details comprising each of us, it is sometimes surprising that anybody can find a considerably suitable mate.
january2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 For me it's a little bit of both including a few other reasons that I can't quite articulate at the moment, but I'm leaning mainly towards the life-sharing reason. To take inspiration from an OkCupid question: I want both 'someone to come home to' as well as 'someone to go out with'.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I don't know how this relates, but something my last boyfriend used to say regularly was that I never made him feel secure. . Your last bf probably never felt secure because he knows that once you know alot about your partner, the mystery of the relationship and finding out new things about them slows down. Some women see this as the relationship getting stale because things are getting predictable rather than secure and safe. Some women want newness all the time, and dont want things to become routine and relaxed. Your ex bf prolly thought that once you got bored, you would leave him and look for the "novelty" of someone new.
Disillusioned Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 How much of our desire to date and/or have a relationship is the desire to share our lives with someone, Isn't that the long-term goal of dating? Because if it isn't, then I hope I get run over by a Mack truck.
NoMagicBullet Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I want someone to share life with. To grow old with. To watch the changes in our faces as we grow old together and still want to see each other's face more than any other. To share the novelty of life with, so we can look back and say "Remember when...." To do things together and discover new things together. To support each other and look out for each other in ways family and friends don't or legally can't. To hold each other and make love to each other. To just hold hands. To share our lives, but also our whole selves with each other. That's what I want.
Author Titania22 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Lets not ignore the GLARING reality in our society that LOTS of people - women especially - are 'wronged' well before they are old enough to make their own choices about much of anything. For those people, merely willing themselves to be vulnerable on command, can be next to impossible. I'm sure there is a sliding scale which relates directly to relative severity of past experiences and abuses suffered, that determines how much vulnerability a person can dare 'expose' without first needing some amounts of therapy to overcome what we'll call 'setbacks' (knowing full well that the experiences can be majorly life-altering). With so many different criteria and details comprising each of us, it is sometimes surprising that anybody can find a considerably suitable mate. Good to remember and so true. We are not solely responsible for making our partners feel comfortable enough to be vunerable. They have to be able and willing in themselves. My exboyfriend did have alot of issues from before me. Your last bf probably never felt secure because he knows that once you know alot about your partner, the mystery of the relationship and finding out new things about them slows down. Some women see this as the relationship getting stale because things are getting predictable rather than secure and safe. Some women want newness all the time, and dont want things to become routine and relaxed. Your ex bf prolly thought that once you got bored, you would leave him and look for the "novelty" of someone new. No doubt, he probably worried about such things. It was sad though, because I loved him completely, so much so that I never thought of other men, and when i fantasized it was of him. And life with him was constantly novel and changing, to the point where it tired us both out. We each had 2 kids from previous relationships, so that was 6varying personalities sharing a 2 bedroom home. It was really crazy. If anything it should have taught me that relationships aren't necessarily boring.
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