kourtney01 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I'm sorry for the long message but this is a very tragic story and I tried to shorten it as much as possible! Thank you for reading this! I am going through a very difficult time and any advice would be greatly appreciated! 2 months ago, I broke up with my fiancee who I was supposed to marry this June. He cheated on me multiple times and always blamed it on the fact that I got an abortion very eary in the relationship. He led me to that decision because it was fresh, I was a student, there were lots of red flags and I didn't trust him... it was a very very difficult decision and I don't know why I stayed with him since I clearly didn't see a future between us or I wouldn't have had an abortion... but I stayed nonetheless. The entire relationship was a rollercoaster ride but very passionate. We moved in together and I fell in love with him harder than ever before. That's when he started cheating (or at least getting caught, because there were red flags from the start I just didn't have proof and they didn't happen as often as later down the road) I suffered and cried, and broke up with him and got back together and he cheated again and again and again and more suffering and more crying and more back and forth etc for over 2 yrs. He always blamed everything on my abortion and all the guilt I carried for that decision (even though I honestly thought at the time I made the right choice - things were really bad and way too fresh) made me take him back so many times. Also, somewhere in between all this heartache he proposed which made it even harder for me to leave the next few times I was either suspicious or actually cought him. Towards the end, things got really really great, we got counselling, he admitted his faults and we set the date for our wedding. When I cought him cheating AGAIN just a week after Valentine's day this year... gosh, I was SO devastated. ESPECIALLY since we made soooo much progress and had an amazing vacation together and I really felt like this was a new beginning! I broke up with him for the last time this February 19. Since then, I have been on a roller coaster ride. At first, I felt strong. But slowly, the abortion and the guilt and all the self-blame began again. A few weeks after the break up (sometime in March) I had a brief encounter with this very attractive guy I met salsa dancing...but that dissipated in 2 weeks and it only made me miss him more. I couldn't bring myself to sleep with this guy or have any romance with him because of how much I love my ex. His sister is my best friend (and has never supported his bad behaviour)... she told me a few weeks post BU that he was seriously planning on getting counselling and rehab for cheating because he loves me so much and he wants to stop cheating and he doesn't know why he's doing it... he also wrote me some heart-felt emails that made me break down... I had my hopes up. Then...out of NOWHERE.. he meets this other spanish girl...she's a bartender... and they jump into a relationship! He takes her to Cuba, pays for her trip and introduces her to his parents just 3 WEEKS after they met and only 5 WEEKS after we broke up!!!!!!! THis happened A WEEK after he said all those nice things to me and his siter... I couldn't believe it! ( FOund out from facebook and friends and his siter) This girl is not that pretty to be honest and no where near as pretty as me (he's very attractive and shallow) but she seems like the perfect girl for him! I looked her up on facebook and they have EVERYTHING in common!!! (I found her on facebook and added her and she didn't know who I was so she accepted my friend request) Both play soccer, both latin, both into the gym, both dance salsa and they are born just a few days apart!!!! Also she has a very big family just like him (something I lack and I know he never liked that about me but I can't help that I'm an only child and that most of my family is in Europe) All that info got me sooooo sad and soooo insecure! I kept thinking how UNFAIR this whole thing was and why I was pining away for him disinterested in all men but he meets his perfect match and moves on without a blink!!! I kept thinking "what did I do to deserve this??" Is this my bad karma for getting an abortion? (even though I was just a kid atvthe time and a student and just met him and we were always fighting and he was always partying....etc) It started eating away at me and I stopped eating, sleeping etc When I found out they moved in together just a friggin month and a half after they met... and that he was bragging about how she lets him do whatever he wants and its easy with her and they dont fight etc etc (his sister would tell me) I completely broke down... Shortly after, I went to a friends house in a different city and fell asleep at the wheel on the long drive home and got into a serious car accident. I'm lucky to be alive and that I didn't hit anyone. I had emergency surgery and almost lost my life. Luckly I have no permanent injuries and on my way to a healthy recovery... I spent 2 weeks in the hospital and have been home for a week now recovering He never came to visit me in the hospital or send me flowers...nothing...but he called the hospital once and when I heard his loser girlfriend in the background I hung up. We haven't spoken since. I must add at this point that our relationship moved very fast from the beginning too but I pushed the breaks...this girl seems all for it! This has been very hard. I am home recovering....thinking and thinking... some days I feel strong and above all his bull****...other days I break down and start blaming myself for everything... I don't know what to do to get over this! He was the love of my life and we were supposed to get married this June! How can he move on like this and why can't I? And why did I have the bad luck of going through all this pain lately while he's living it up with his new girlfirend! I don't understand this! I never did anything to him...never lied, never cheated and always cared so much and gave so many chances! And I'm a young beautiful girl! yet all of this happens to me.. At first I was sooo over it but now that I almost fully healed, I'm analysing it again and I desperately want to stop! I don't get it and I don't know what to do to move forward and feel better about all of this... any advice would help a lot!
Author kourtney01 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Oh I forgot to add that about a week ago he had THE NERVE to text his sister: "Hey what do you do with an ex's pictures" She showed me the msg! I couldn't friggin believe it! He knows she tells me everything!!!!! Was he SERIOUSLY trying to hurt me even more while I am home recovering from a major car accident??? What the heck is wrong with him who says that?? I got so mad I threw away ALL his photos and deleated any memory or trace of him from my computer... AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO ASK HIS SISTER WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH HIS PHOTOS EITHER! He is almost 8 yrs older than me (32) I'm sure by now he knows what to do with photos of exes... Also, right before my accident, he asked his sister if she would go on a double date with her boyfriend and him and the new girl and she said NO! Yet another joke! During our entire relationship he never wanted to double date with his sis... they are not close at all, and he doesn't even like her boyfriend all that much! Is he that desperate to hurt me after every thing I've been through or just in love with this random girl? I don't get it! What is that about?!
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 The guy is an ahole and a cheater. What is it that you love about him??? Other than passionate sex, passionate love at times, what was so good about your relationship with him? You had an abortion because you didn't trust him..He cheated on you..Multiple times...Again, what is it that you love about him? Listen, it was an UNHEALTHY relationship and dynamic. Those types of passionate lust filled relationships when from day one you feel something is "off", your gut tells you not to trust ... IS a HUGE RED FLAG. It's okay to love him but know you're better off without him. He is a JERK, a user, not a nice person at all. Stop beating yourself up! HOw is that helping you recover? It's POINTLESS to try to figure out the why's and how's of his life and what's going on.. He's moved on, like it or not... Focus on you, your healing emotionally and physically.. In time, you WILL feel better and when the timing is right, a wonderful guy will come into your life. You can bank on that! Do NOT waste another tear for this guy. He's just not worth it!
Yasuandio Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 He is a certified jerk. Kiss the ground. Some angel is look'in out for you my dear. You are at the beginning of your life. You do not want to start out and breed with a scum bag cheater. There is no treatment for him. It will be YOU that will be seeking out treatment. Now, what do I mean by treatment? Let's start with, like, anxiety, depression, STD's. Then later in life, -- once you have swallowed years and years of feelings of hurt, anger, and dispair, you'll be seeking medical treatment for more complex conditions. But, you can always look on the bright side, surely there will be many advances in the medical field by then. Sweetie, love hurts. Heal your wounded heart and body. Then, go out and be you. If YOU are "all that" like you say, why would you have to or want to settle? Put your big girl panties on, and study the fashion sites to prepare for your new entrance into the world. And certainly, let's hope you will have wonderful things to say about other guys you decide to date. Next!
Rinnix Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 First off it's a great thing that you survived the accident! I hope that you are recovering well and taking it easy. Be careful not to fall asleep at the wheel again. I understand that you are feeling hurt. You are hurt about how he treated you and how you believe he replaced you so quickly. From what I'm reading it shows that he is a serial cheater. You had a big heart and kept forgiving him. It's now time to move on and work on yourself. You deserve better then that, don't allow anyone to walk all over you. If you were to get married he would likely cheat all through the marriage. This has nothing to do with you and what you have to offer. Cheaters are selfish and only care about themselves. He wants to have his cake and to eat it too. Blaming his cheating on you and your abortion is just plain selfish. He is just looking for anything to place blame on. Again, it has nothing to do with you. You need to realize this, otherwise you will never be able to let it go. He is rebounding, he is also flashing his relationship to hurt you, pay no attention to this. The woman he is with will eventually figure out his toxic intentions. Just focus on moving on, she can have him. Do not let his cheating make you feel any less of a person. He has lost himself a good woman. He will continue his patterns, and eventually end up alone. Do not respond to him in anyway, he is purposely trying to cause drama and harm. Go NC. If you speak to his sister, inform her that you don't want to know anything about him as you are moving on with your life. You can talk to her without focusing on him. Leaving was the right thing to do. You need to focus on yourself as a person.
thehead Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Nice guy but you are also eating up what he's feeding you. Listen. In my younger stupider years I was an a$$. Not like this guy but I should have been nicer. When I had the upper hand, I knew it. When a girl had low self-esteem I could see it. It helped me get what I wanted from her. He controls you this way. He knows he's pushing your buttons so stop giving him the satisfaction. Your suffering is only going to stop when you break the pattern he knows. First completely cut him out of your life. Why do you talk to his sister about him? It hurts you and you keep doing it? She passed along that message about the pictures? See that's the kind of friend/enemy thing girls sometimes have to deal with. Don't you see that? I'd watch my back. Second get your own life and keep looking forward, not back. He said some messed up things to you. We do that to avoid guilt. Don't eat that up. He played with your head. F*** him. Guys like that--and I know a couple--jump from woman to woman and never find happiness. He's one messed up dude and you escaped it. Take pride in that and stop eating up his bullsh8t.
Author kourtney01 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Nice guy but you are also eating up what he's feeding you. Listen. In my younger stupider years I was an a$$. Not like this guy but I should have been nicer. When I had the upper hand, I knew it. When a girl had low self-esteem I could see it. It helped me get what I wanted from her. He controls you this way. He knows he's pushing your buttons so stop giving him the satisfaction. Your suffering is only going to stop when you break the pattern he knows. First completely cut him out of your life. Why do you talk to his sister about him? It hurts you and you keep doing it? She passed along that message about the pictures? See that's the kind of friend/enemy thing girls sometimes have to deal with. Don't you see that? I'd watch my back. Second get your own life and keep looking forward, not back. He said some messed up things to you. We do that to avoid guilt. Don't eat that up. He played with your head. F*** him. Guys like that--and I know a couple--jump from woman to woman and never find happiness. He's one messed up dude and you escaped it. Take pride in that and stop eating up his bullsh8t. Thank you all for your advice! This last one really helped! I guess I never stopped to think about the guy's perspective. You're right he cannot accept any responsibility for anything he does in life... he squanders his money partying and can't pay his rent: it's our economy and high prices at fault, his son misses school because he doesn't get up in the monring: it's his mother's fault for putting their son in such a far away school, his license gets suspended for unpaid fines: it's the government's fault and he won't pay a dime he will just drive like that until he gets an even bigger ticket and then it's the cops that are at fault for writing tickets to innocent people (rolling my eyes at this point) so I guess I should have realised a long time ago that his pattern of BS had nothing to do with me. Thanks for your input
cerridwen Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 If after a month and a half of meeting, they've moved in together, I give it a year max. And as for him not cheating on HER and pulling the same stuff, forget about it. Thinking our exes have moved on, found happier times, and forgotten about us is common. But there are two exes in this breakup. That you BEGAN to move on, shows you can. Get back there. You suffered a relapse but dig deep and get back there. I agree with thehead about cutting him out completely. Isn't that where a lot of the pain comes from? Information about him? Take care.
Author kourtney01 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Thank you Cerri... love your signature quote
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