Moutonrose Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 this link opened my mind in ways I could not imagine!!! it helped me so much. hope it does the same for you http://lovesagame.com/wp-content/uploads/downloads/7reasons.pdf
DontWorryBHappy Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Oh my gosh, a little e-book. Thanks so much! Reading it now...
DontWorryBHappy Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Wow, I just read it. Amazing. Finally an e-book not meant to try and rope back a person into your life that doesn't want you. Instead, it gives you the tools to realize that that would be a terrible idea, and the better solution is to become the best damn person you can become. Very empowering and true.
stopthemadness Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Wow!!! That was great, Think Ill read it when every I feel weak sad or what ever? But after reading that one thing is for SURE I Dont want my ex back and now I know that for sure. Although I think I always knew ya know? Thanks..gona save that to my favorites.........
thespiff Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 This is awesome and I totally agreed with the 7 reasons.
giuliano-3 Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Good stuff. Very helpful. Especially important for me was reading the motives chapter. I truly now know I was projecting my idea of love and not actually necessarily in love. We had great times together, I learned a lot about myself both with her and because of what she did. Hopefully one day I will only remember the wonderful times, without also hoping one day we will meet again. Thanks for posting that.
Author Moutonrose Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 so happy it helped!!! yeah when I read this it totaly help me get a little closure and realise that no I will never get back with him!!! the e book is so right...if we break up its because there is a reason! I hope this can help even more people...
ilovedhim Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 the past is there for a reason, leave it there. loved it, thanks.
Jono85 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 thanks a lot for that, it also made me feel much better about everything. i'm almost 4 months into NC and although i've had my share of good days, there's also been a TON of bad days and crying unfortunately. i'd hoped i'd be farther along by now, but either way i feel i'm definitely getting wiser, and stronger in a way as time passes, and this was another stepping stone to complete freedom!
willowthewisp Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I was so hopeful when I saw this booklet, espically when I saw his finacee had left him right before his wedding, as the same thing happened to me. Unfortunately, I was disappointed with the contents. It is the same old advice given out to everyone no matter what the individual circumstances of their situation. I think the advice in the booklet is great for those here who had a break up, but not for those who had a divorce or were left after an extremely long comitted relationship. My relationship was 20 years, we treated each other as husband and wife and my ex would comment "you're my wife, we just haven't gotten the piece of paper". To say the dumper left because they did what was right for them, due to incompatibilities is laughable in this kind of situation. Married people, or people in a relationship over about 4 years, are not "dating". That is to say, they are not figuring out if they are comapitable or a good fit. Anyone who walks away from such a relationship without warning, without trying to fix anything, and in many cases with the dumpee having no clue anything was wrong, have quite simply as my IC put it "serious mental health issues which they refuse to acknowledge or address and which they prefer to live in denial over and get into a new relationship quickly as an avoidance tactic". In other words the dumpee has done nothing to contribute to the relationship break down, this isn't anout you or even your relationship, this about your exs' problems with THEMSELF. Frankly I am sick of this immature mentality that suggests that the dumpee is to blame or partly to blame for the demise of a relationship. This may be the case in some circumstances, but not all and certainly not where they were not even TOLD of any problems. It takes two to make a relationship work but only ONE to break it. Lots of relationships break down as the result of ONE persons behaviour, the dumpee could even be trying everything to try and maintain a healthy relationship, if they are with a partner who does not have the capacity (for whatever reason) to understand how to have a good relationship, it will make no difference. In addition, the booklet talks about how the dumpee did their grieving whilst in the relationship and the dumpee just missed it. Absolute rubbish! Again another "standard explanation", people are not fantastic actors. Look at like this, if you have been with someone 5 years, it's going to take you at least 5 months to grieve (possibly longer), so if your ex was grieving you would most DEFINATELY have seen and noticed some changes in their behaviour towards you in the 5 months prior to them leaving without warning. Don't beleive anyone that tells you different! At the end of the day, the booklet has a few things right IMO, you definately DO NOT want your ex back, you don't want someone who could treat you with such disrespect after all you shared, someone who is immature and has absolutely no self awareness, is completely selfish and has no sense of integrity and committment. If you have been together a really long time, they OWE you, the relationship and THEMSELF to try and work things out first, not just up and leave, people are NOT disposable and NO ONE deserves to be treated as if they are. However, thank your lucky stars they have, because you do not need someone like that, you are worth so much more. NC is definately the way to go, not because as the booklet says you respect them, but because you don't deserve to be plauged with contact with such a an inadequate human being.
Jono85 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I was so hopeful when I saw this booklet, espically when I saw his finacee had left him right before his wedding, as the same thing happened to me. Unfortunately, I was disappointed with the contents. It is the same old advice given out to everyone no matter what the individual circumstances of their situation. I think the advice in the booklet is great for those here who had a break up, but not for those who had a divorce or were left after an extremely long comitted relationship. My relationship was 20 years, we treated each other as husband and wife and my ex would comment "you're my wife, we just haven't gotten the piece of paper". To say the dumper left because they did what was right for them, due to incompatibilities is laughable in this kind of situation. Married people, or people in a relationship over about 4 years, are not "dating". That is to say, they are not figuring out if they are comapitable or a good fit. Anyone who walks away from such a relationship without warning, without trying to fix anything, and in many cases with the dumpee having no clue anything was wrong, have quite simply as my IC put it "serious mental health issues which they refuse to acknowledge or address and which they prefer to live in denial over and get into a new relationship quickly as an avoidance tactic". In other words the dumpee has done nothing to contribute to the relationship break down, this isn't anout you or even your relationship, this about your exs' problems with THEMSELF. Frankly I am sick of this immature mentality that suggests that the dumpee is to blame or partly to blame for the demise of a relationship. This may be the case in some circumstances, but not all and certainly not where they were not even TOLD of any problems. It takes two to make a relationship work but only ONE to break it. Lots of relationships break down as the result of ONE persons behaviour, the dumpee could even be trying everything to try and maintain a healthy relationship, if they are with a partner who does not have the capacity (for whatever reason) to understand how to have a good relationship, it will make no difference. In addition, the booklet talks about how the dumpee did their grieving whilst in the relationship and the dumpee just missed it. Absolute rubbish! Again another "standard explanation", people are not fantastic actors. Look at like this, if you have been with someone 5 years, it's going to take you at least 5 months to grieve (possibly longer), so if your ex was grieving you would most DEFINATELY have seen and noticed some changes in their behaviour towards you in the 5 months prior to them leaving without warning. Don't beleive anyone that tells you different! At the end of the day, the booklet has a few things right IMO, you definately DO NOT want your ex back, you don't want someone who could treat you with such disrespect after all you shared, someone who is immature and has absolutely no self awareness, is completely selfish and has no sense of integrity and committment. If you have been together a really long time, they OWE you, the relationship and THEMSELF to try and work things out first, not just up and leave, people are NOT disposable and NO ONE deserves to be treated as if they are. However, thank your lucky stars they have, because you do not need someone like that, you are worth so much more. NC is definately the way to go, not because as the booklet says you respect them, but because you don't deserve to be plauged with contact with such a an inadequate human being. i recall reading in the link that he says it's NOT your fault for the breakup. i think it's even in bold. i didn't get the impression he was telling ppl that they were to blame for the relationship failures at all. in fact many of the reasons he gives for not going back is because your ex chose not to work on the problems, not to fight for the relationship and instead just sort of ended it, maybe without you even knowing what happened. as for your point about your ex not grieving, honestly i think i can totally relate. my ex left me for HER ex within a month and a half of the end of our relationship. we broke up b/c she was confused, and i found a love letter from her ex basically pleading for her back and how things will be different. btw a week prior to our breakup she INITIATED our first "i love you"s and we had the most perfect night of our relationship (only 4 months, so i'm not saying i can relate to your experience even in the slightest, but she was the first girl i said those 3 words to, and it was a very intense right up until that point). but anyway, yeah it seemed like she never grieved for me like i'm still doing for her. i look at her facebook profile pics and they're all with him, happy. ah well.
Author Moutonrose Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 I was so hopeful when I saw this booklet, espically when I saw his finacee had left him right before his wedding, as the same thing happened to me. Unfortunately, I was disappointed with the contents. It is the same old advice given out to everyone no matter what the individual circumstances of their situation. I think the advice in the booklet is great for those here who had a break up, but not for those who had a divorce or were left after an extremely long comitted relationship. My relationship was 20 years, we treated each other as husband and wife and my ex would comment "you're my wife, we just haven't gotten the piece of paper". To say the dumper left because they did what was right for them, due to incompatibilities is laughable in this kind of situation. Married people, or people in a relationship over about 4 years, are not "dating". That is to say, they are not figuring out if they are comapitable or a good fit. Anyone who walks away from such a relationship without warning, without trying to fix anything, and in many cases with the dumpee having no clue anything was wrong, have quite simply as my IC put it "serious mental health issues which they refuse to acknowledge or address and which they prefer to live in denial over and get into a new relationship quickly as an avoidance tactic". In other words the dumpee has done nothing to contribute to the relationship break down, this isn't anout you or even your relationship, this about your exs' problems with THEMSELF. Frankly I am sick of this immature mentality that suggests that the dumpee is to blame or partly to blame for the demise of a relationship. This may be the case in some circumstances, but not all and certainly not where they were not even TOLD of any problems. It takes two to make a relationship work but only ONE to break it. Lots of relationships break down as the result of ONE persons behaviour, the dumpee could even be trying everything to try and maintain a healthy relationship, if they are with a partner who does not have the capacity (for whatever reason) to understand how to have a good relationship, it will make no difference. In addition, the booklet talks about how the dumpee did their grieving whilst in the relationship and the dumpee just missed it. Absolute rubbish! Again another "standard explanation", people are not fantastic actors. Look at like this, if you have been with someone 5 years, it's going to take you at least 5 months to grieve (possibly longer), so if your ex was grieving you would most DEFINATELY have seen and noticed some changes in their behaviour towards you in the 5 months prior to them leaving without warning. Don't beleive anyone that tells you different! At the end of the day, the booklet has a few things right IMO, you definately DO NOT want your ex back, you don't want someone who could treat you with such disrespect after all you shared, someone who is immature and has absolutely no self awareness, is completely selfish and has no sense of integrity and committment. If you have been together a really long time, they OWE you, the relationship and THEMSELF to try and work things out first, not just up and leave, people are NOT disposable and NO ONE deserves to be treated as if they are. However, thank your lucky stars they have, because you do not need someone like that, you are worth so much more. NC is definately the way to go, not because as the booklet says you respect them, but because you don't deserve to be plauged with contact with such a an inadequate human being. I can understand what you mean...but again it never says in the booklet that we are too blame...us the dumpee...I was in a similare relationship, I was with my fiancé for 7 years...we also acted like we were married and he always refered to me as his wife. and I always refered to him as my husband. this guy that apparently i thought was my soul mate...decided that the last 2 years of our relationship were lies...he pretended to love me...he cheated on me during that time...every kiss and every love making was a lie...every smile was a lie...it hit me hard especially since he promised me a wedding this summer, a baby and started looking for a house... I keep asking myself why each day and never get the awnsers...the ebooklet made me realise that Yes I did try to make things work but it showed me that he never wanted to put the effort. the booklet helped me realise how much I was so inlove with love and was not looking at the red flags in the relationship..because today I can tell ya after two months of being broken up I se them clearly now...and it hurts. that booklet made me stop wanting even after all the lies and cheating to make him realise to come back to me because it's true...if we broke up it's because ther was a reason and that reason will always linger if we ever did get back together.... I am so sorry about your 20 year relationship...I know what you mean when you feel as if your partner is your husband or wife even without the paper...I felt that way...and I thought he did as well...as for the advice...yes it is always the same old advice...but its the same old advice for a reason....it's because it works!!!! today because of technologie NC is hard to keep up...everyone has a cell phone, everyone has facebook, myspace or twitter, everyone is fully advertised on the internet! we can find anybody!!! nobody can be private anymore so yes it is harder today to keep NC. but with effort we can totaly do it!. I did it...I delete my facebook page, got rid of the cell phone and changed email addresses. I am 5 hours away, I have no way of knowing what he is doing or who he is banging. I am far happier knowing the unknown that to face the truth each day because of technologie. as they say....suffering is optinal...and I choose to stay away from anything that keeps me within that suffering.
willowthewisp Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) I can understand what you mean...but again it never says in the booklet that we are too blame...us the dumpee...I was in a similare relationship, I was with my fiancé for 7 years...we also acted like we were married and he always refered to me as his wife. and I always refered to him as my husband. this guy that apparently i thought was my soul mate...decided that the last 2 years of our relationship were lies...he pretended to love me...he cheated on me during that time...every kiss and every love making was a lie...every smile was a lie...it hit me hard especially since he promised me a wedding this summer, a baby and started looking for a house... I keep asking myself why each day and never get the awnsers...the ebooklet made me realise that Yes I did try to make things work but it showed me that he never wanted to put the effort. the booklet helped me realise how much I was so inlove with love and was not looking at the red flags in the relationship..because today I can tell ya after two months of being broken up I se them clearly now...and it hurts. that booklet made me stop wanting even after all the lies and cheating to make him realise to come back to me because it's true...if we broke up it's because ther was a reason and that reason will always linger if we ever did get back together.... I am so sorry about your 20 year relationship...I know what you mean when you feel as if your partner is your husband or wife even without the paper...I felt that way...and I thought he did as well...as for the advice...yes it is always the same old advice...but its the same old advice for a reason....it's because it works!!!! today because of technologie NC is hard to keep up...everyone has a cell phone, everyone has facebook, myspace or twitter, everyone is fully advertised on the internet! we can find anybody!!! nobody can be private anymore so yes it is harder today to keep NC. but with effort we can totaly do it!. I did it...I delete my facebook page, got rid of the cell phone and changed email addresses. I am 5 hours away, I have no way of knowing what he is doing or who he is banging. I am far happier knowing the unknown that to face the truth each day because of technologie. as they say....suffering is optinal...and I choose to stay away from anything that keeps me within that suffering. I'm sorry to hear of what your ex did to you. My point about the booklet being generic advice is that it doesn't apply or work for every break up. I have had IC and been all through it, there were no red flags, there was no grieving, there were no problems etc etc. I've been NC for two years, no contact with anyone he knows either. So, my point is that whilst it may seem like the same advice is given because it works, in fact, it doesn't always work because every situation is different and well perhaps the same old, same old is given because NO ONE actually knows how to get past something as deverstating as this. My IC said it is highly likely it will never pass, you just learn to adjust and to live with the pain. So when these e-books come out and promise this that and the other (in this case, to promote a website it seems), I get a bit annoyed. It's taking advantage of peoples suffering. Isn't it better to be realistic and tell people the truth about what they can expect? Perhaps if people were to know that although the pain lessens and is not as raw, it will always be a source of pain for them and that that is OK. You're not a failure because you still feel hurt, you're not a failure or abnormal because you still want your ex back or your old life back, it's NORMAL. One day you won't want them anymore and the pain will only surface rarely, but going NC and flicking an elastic band is NOT going to achieve the path to this quicker! The only "cure" for this is TIME! People don't want to hear that, but it is true, time. Be patient with yourself, treat yourself kindly and allow yourself to feel the emotions that are natural. Trying to block them or prevent them is so bad! I can't beleive anyone would suggest it, like this guy has. All that does is encourage denial. You haven't grieved and you cannot escape grieving, if you don't do it now, you will have to do it later and it will hit at another time of loss for example, so then you have double the grief and pain to get through. What I am tring to say is that there are no short cuts, as our exs' will also discover one day, perhaps many years from now! This guy is advocating not giving oneself completly in your next relationship to avoid getting hurt again. That isn't love! That is holding a part of yourself back to avoid fully committing, to me that is a half life. Wouldn't it be more worrying to not feel devastated when the person you love is no longer there? The fact you feel pain shows you have the capacity to truely love. Otherwise we are simply like our exs', not caring, jumping from one relationship to the next without a care in the world. Perhaps that is why so many people are like that nowdays, too much hurt. Thanks for sharing the booklet as I am sure it will help some people, I just wnated to point out for those reading it and finding it makes no sense that there is another perspective. By the way, your ex was a s***! Edited May 8, 2011 by willowthewisp
Jono85 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) ^^ def agree with you on some points. it's true, that wearing a rubber band and snapping yourself everytime you think about your ex or want to analyze things is a little ridiculous. you just simply cannot cut it off like that, from my experience, and i think there's a certain amount of therapy in thinking about things, and analyzing things. sometimes you can even gain a greater understanding of how things went down, or why they did, when you try to objectively analyze the situation. b/c god knows when you're in it, you have no capacity to objectively analyze anything. btw a little aside: has anyone seen the movie 500 days of summer?? similar to what i'm saying here, but i don't want to give it away. don't agree with every message in the movie, but for the most part, it's pretty realistic, at least moreso than your typical hollywood love story. *however*, as much as i agree with you that for everyone and every situation it can be different, and there's no set recipe that will automatically achieve healing, i DO believe there are definite things you can do that will prevent you from moving on quicker. some ppl, simply put, enjoy perpetuating the whole feeling sorry for themselves stage, or wallowing in it, and it can be very unhealthy. i've struggled with this at times as well, as i'm sure a lot of us have. but the article brings up a lot of great points that i think ppl need to pay attention to. self-esteem is HUGE. absolutely huge. it is also something that doesn't really relate to your ex or relationships much at all. it comes from you. and i believe that the worse your self esteem is, the harder it will be to get over your ex. i can truly relate to that. i fully believe if my self-esteem was great going into my relationship, and even during (as happy and amazing life was with my ex, it was only merely masking my self-esteem issues), it would not have been NEARLY as difficult as it has been post breakup. the article stresses this and i couldn't agree more. that's why i also see this as an opportunity to work on myself, find myself, become comfortable with and love myself. i'm just saying that although it varies from person to person, and situation to situation, i believe there's also quite a lot of power left to the individual to move on quicker. and there's no universal definition for moving on, you're right. i guess for me it's when your ex lover doesn't hijack your brain uncontrollably. i know that now, with my first love (6 years ago maybe?) that i think about her when i want to, and not the other way around (thinking about her when i don't want to). i obviously think about her from time to time when i'm lonely, or really bored, moreso reminiscing, but i think that's natural. Edited May 9, 2011 by Jono85
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