Xyrodon Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I don't really want to see a therapist and since this forum is anonymous I would like to share my story. My fiancee, who was previously my girlfriend (we've been engaged for a year and a half) has just left me because I'm an idiot. We went on a trip together and the trip is where this began. It was a trip to her home country and needless to say the adjustment and "culture shock" got to me and I was very distant from her during the trip (not all parts as we had an amazing time on some of the trip). When we came home things were not going very well. I found her to be a bit snappy at me a lot of times. I can't blame her that much since she suffered a serious injury to her lower back which has caused her not to work. She's currently going through some depression due to this. She hasn't been working for over 4 months now. Since she graduated school she has been quite despondent about getting a job and has lot so much of her personal drive. I tried so much to help her get out of this rut but the more I tried the more I pushed her away. I'm not doing that well myself. I'm pretty old (late twenties) and I started my undergrad at a late age due to financial and personal circumstances. I do have a 2 decent part time job (work in between 2 physical rehab clinics) but I am still in school. This made my fiancee feel uncomfortable with our future (wedding cost money, house, expenses, etc). Our last fight just went overboard. I was a complete *******, I yelled in her face and told her we needed some space. Days later she saw me and told me she wanted this over for good. She said certain things I said are irreversible and this is truly what she wanted. This was over a week ago. I have remained in NC with her out of respect. I want this girl back so badly. I've known her for over 7 years as a close friend and we've been together for over 6. I know everyone has heard this before but I really want her back.. we were both faithful and loyal to each other, I just ****ed up cuz I'm an idiot
tom1990 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Well your situation sounds similair to my current one in the sense that I was the one having a go and we were arguing and the final straw was me shouting at her too ... Makes you feel like a full on idiot and wish you could go back and change it ... I know exactly how you must be feeling everything is your fault and you want to fix the relationship, I know with mine its a little more complicated (the fact she is currently undergoing a rebound ) ... but the theory is still the same ... I am sure that in a week or so or maybe more she may come around and realise that she still loves you and wants to get married ? in terms of the financial aspect money is tight these days regardless of a marital situation , if you do talk just reassure her that you will be finished school soon and get the career your aiming for to provide for you both. My ex was partly put off me due to the fact i am a student still (even though she is too) and the fact I live at home sharing a room with my twin brother... Its hard to please females at the best of times but once issues such as money and futures pop up they are hard to put back down... How was the relationship before , were you 2 close and "loved up", was their any signs of drifitng apart or was it purely the trip / this main arguement ?
miss jennifer Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 it's quite possible that there are other things going on in her life that she's not telling you about. it really doesn't seem like you've done anything super wrong.. you were just a little distant and bitchy, but everyone is like that sometimes. i suspect that she just told you she doesn't want anything else to do with you out of anger. time will tell what will happen, but for now, i would continue with the NC route. see if she comes around. if she doesn't, in a month or so, you can reevaluate if you want to reach out to her again or continue with the NC. good luck to you!
Author Xyrodon Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Things were great between us although the first few years of your relationship was rough. I made a lot of mistakes, she made a lot more but the problem was me learning to let go of the mistakes she made. Ultimately I did but we had a lot of rough patches here and there. Her parents (dad in particular) hated me for a prejudice I could not help (not my race, another reason). However her parents did accept me and I met her whole family on a trip I took with her and her parents a couple months ago. Not sure if this matter but almost a year ago a friend of mine committed suicide. His sister and I were quite close and I took the sister out to the movies to cheer her up. My fiancee was enraged by this and thought it was a date, but I told her under the circumstances it wasn't (it really wasn't, the girl is like a sis to me). Anyways, things were weird from then on... To be honest I'm just a moron who took advantage of her too much.
spiderowl Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 "To be honest I'm just a moron who took advantage of her too much." If you want her back and you think this is the case, then tell her that. Apologise. If that doesn't work - and it might not if your comment is true - then it's probably over. It's true we don't know what we've got till it's gone. If you weren't that happy with her a lot of the time, then that's not likely to change even if you do get back with her.
Author Xyrodon Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 I was happy with her, she means everything to me. I did apologize to her that on our last meeting and then she replied that she doesn't think we're a good fit for each other and I need to find someone to make me happy. Thing is I already did, and it's her. I told her to keep the engagement ring cuz it belongs to her, she picked it out. She agreed, has kept it and I have not heard from her since.
Irishlove Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I am not attacking but want to share what I heard in your posts. It sounds like you are a 'score keeper' and a 'finger pointer'. I mean this kindly...you need to talk to a therapist. There isn't any reason in the world you should scream in a womans face or lose control with your words. I can understand why she walked. I have back issues and when you can't work and you have to depend on someone else it really does put you into a depression. The last thing you need is someone who is supposed to be your cheerleader to put you down further. You two have alot of years together to throw away. If she will talk to you after any of this find out what she thinks you need to work on and then work on it. If you love her you will do WHATEVER it takes until........ I leave it at that because there is no time limit. She has to see your actions. Words are not going to be enough at this point. I'm a firm believer if you love someone you do whatever it takes. There just isn't any excuse for what you did. It's great that you came here to confess to us, that's a good first step to acknowledge you were an idiot. There is always a way to clean up your side of the street. It's up to her if she will accept it. Good luck. I really hope you two find a way to communicate with love, patience and understanding towards one another.
Author Xyrodon Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 She told me what I needed to work on before she left me, which is being more emotionally stable. My past is a bit different from most people's, I didn't have parents growing up. Long story short, I have seen a therapist about my issues years ago, this therapist was just terrible. I have considered seeing one again (perhaps one who is competent). I don't want to ever be with anyone else but you're right I have to clean up my act and I am doing so by reading books/watching videos/attending seminars. You have no idea how awful I feel. Right now as much as this hurts, I'm glad I'm in pain because that's what I should be in after what I did. I just don't want her to be in any pain and I dunno..I don't know how to even explain this in writing. I hope one day I will eventually deserve the opportunity to be with her again..
Irishlove Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 She told me what I needed to work on before she left me, which is being more emotionally stable. My past is a bit different from most people's, I didn't have parents growing up. Long story short, I have seen a therapist about my issues years ago, this therapist was just terrible. I have considered seeing one again (perhaps one who is competent). I don't want to ever be with anyone else but you're right I have to clean up my act and I am doing so by reading books/watching videos/attending seminars. You have no idea how awful I feel. Right now as much as this hurts, I'm glad I'm in pain because that's what I should be in after what I did. I just don't want her to be in any pain and I dunno..I don't know how to even explain this in writing. I hope one day I will eventually deserve the opportunity to be with her again.. Ok so you hit the nail on the head. You need to see another therapist. If that one isn't any good then see another. You could be bi-polar or have post tramtic stress disorder. Honestly. I'm not a huge one for medications but some people need them. Reading books or any of those self help things should only be done if you have a therapist to talk to about it with. People try to self diagnose and end up causing more damage. You don't have to write anything because I understand what you are trying to say. If you have any condition there are coping skills that you could learn so that you can handle situations you are in. You will learn what your triggers are, things that set you off and avoid them. She doesn't sound mean hun, she sounds as if she loves you and she is telling you that you really do have emotional issues. If you don't take care of this problem it will follow you. Each relationship will fail because the main problem will be you. You have to fix YOU. There are alot of people who have had crappy up bringings/childhoods but do not lash out. Everyone here can give you suggestions but only you can physically go out and seek help and get better. No you should not be in pain for what you did. Neither of you deserve that. That's another sign that makes me think you have something going on. Don't take on your issues by yourself, go and talk to a professional.
spiderowl Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 (edited) It sounds like you've had a rough time and not enough good family relationships to teach you how they work. That's not your fault. A good therapist should be able to help you to see where to draw lines and how to behave when things aren't going your way. Sadly, once a partner has been hurt by unpredictable or scary behaviour from another, they are not likely to risk being in that situation again. Sometimes things run their course and I suspect that it has for your ex. I'm sorry as I know you want her back. You could try to take this as a learning experience. In my experience - and I'm over 50 - learning experiences often hurt. Perhaps if you tell her you have realised that you didn't learn how relationships work because of your past and that you are going to have therapy to remedy this, she will re-consider, but don't bank on it. Good luck whatever you decide. Edited May 8, 2011 by spiderowl
The Great Gazoo Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I am not attacking but want to share what I heard in your posts. It sounds like you are a 'score keeper' and a 'finger pointer'. I mean this kindly...you need to talk to a therapist. There isn't any reason in the world you should scream in a womans face or lose control with your words. Seriously? A therapist? For losing it and yelling one time?
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