eastcheap Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I'm with this guy that I've been dating for a while, he's in university and we dated on and off through high school. I love him a lot and care about him, but we fight all the time. I feel as though he thinks that everything I say is ridiculous and has no merit. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person and it's frustrating being with someone that never acknowledges that. I understand that I have my problems and my flaws with our relationship, and I want to work on these, but I get really upset when he acts disinterested, distant or unimpressed. I have been working really hard on getting my confidence level up to a point where I am not bothered by this stuff, and I feel as though I'm making progress...but it still really hurts to feel this way. It's hard, because I feel as though if he didn't know me/had just met me, he'd think that my opinions were interesting. I suppose I feel taken for granted, but I don't know what to do about it because whenever I voice this to him (which is, I'll admit, often) he gets upset and says that I'm making him feel like a terribly person/boyfriend. And nothing ever really changes, so we keep having the conversation. I really have massive issues with commitment and being vulnerable and it's been hard for me to always be voicing my insecurities to him. I feel like I'm totally helpless in this relationship now and that I have no power whatsoever. I love him, but I can't continue dating him while feeling this way. I want to, but I don't know how to feel happier when I feel so obviously taken for granted sometimes. Do I ignore this and just move past it? Do I continue to voice it?
welikeincrowds Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Can you expand on his response? I'm having trouble getting a sense of how your typical fight unfolds: who says what, which problems are raised, how potential solutions are discussed, etc.
Author eastcheap Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 (edited) Well, there are a few different scenarios that occur. Often, I voice an opinion of mine on a topic that I am passionate about and know a lot about and he challenges it/is skeptical of/argues with it...or just questions until I feel stupid for even bringing it up, and then he corrects me in some little, petty way. When I've mentioned that it would be nice if I could tell him something that he wouldn't challenge, he says something like "Oh, so I can't voice my opinion, now?" Obviously that's not what I mean, it would simply be nice to be able to tell him about stuff I care about sometimes without him putting it down. Sometimes when we hang out, he seems distant/bored/grumpy and he admonishes me at times. When I bring this up, he gets frustrated because he's "failing me." I don't want him to see it as "failing me," I just want us to appreciate each other. I pride myself on my argumentative skills in that I feel as though I'm able to look at things objectively, but when I argue with him, he puts down how I argue by saying how my argument doesn't work, and then I eventually get upset. It's hard to argue objectively with a loved one, but my side still has merit. I feel as though it's unfair that my arguments are rendered illogical. It's true, when we argue, I do get emotionally involved, but I don't see how that takes away from my argument when it's about our relationship. I will concede to the fact that, like him, I can be immature at times and insecure. Him and I have had a rocky past and are also very close friends, so there are some trust issues on my part towards his feelings. This leads to some overreactions on my part. I'm willing to admit these things to him and I do...but I still feel like I'm not getting the respect I deserve. One more thing that is an issue: Him and I have a consistent issue with him not calling about plans we have. I've spent many a time waiting for him to come by or call to let me know what was going on, only to be ditched completely or ignored until the last minute. He knows this upsets me but it continues to happen. He says that this isn't reflective of his feelings but it's quite upsetting when it's such a little thing that I ask of him, and he can't respect it. So, there is a bit more detail on why I feel taken for granted/unappreciated/disrespected. I really really wish he would show that he loved me more, just in little ways. If he felt insecure I would want to do the same thing for him. I feel like I'm at the other end of the seesaw constantly, when I just want it to be that there IS no seesaw and we're both just mutually in love and expressing it and respecting each other. Edited May 7, 2011 by eastcheap
Author eastcheap Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Another small issue that has just come up that makes me deeply unhappy is I've recently learned he's been in contact with a girl that both of us were semi involved with... it was a highly emotional situation as she was my best friend and it is the main reason why I have trust issues with him now. She moved away to Australia and she apologized to me, explaining that she was toying with both of us and that she felt deeply for me all along, and that she should have recognized that I loved him, and that she was hurting me when she'd screw around with him and brag about it to me. She mentioned wanting to stay in contact with me. I have complied but hesitantly. I'm now with that guy (the guy who is the subject of this whole thread) and he had voiced his displeasure at me staying in contact with her, him being concerned that I would fall in love with her, and also him feeling that I should move on from her and let her move on with her life in Australia. To respect his wishes, and because I know that it would have upset me if it were the other way around, I've slowly stopped replying to her emails. So, now he has totally changed his tune, she mentioned to me in an email that he added her on Skype and that they talk. Last night he said that he did this (but that she added him and he just accepted) because he "feels bad for her" and doesn't mind talking to her, etc. This makes me really unhappy. I don't know what to do, I feel like there's this knot in my stomach and it gets worse and worse every time I think about it.
Nexus One Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Another small issue that has just come up that makes me deeply unhappy is I've recently learned he's been in contact with a girl that both of us were semi involved with... it was a highly emotional situation as she was my best friend and it is the main reason why I have trust issues with him now. She moved away to Australia and she apologized to me, explaining that she was toying with both of us and that she felt deeply for me all along, and that she should have recognized that I loved him, and that she was hurting me when she'd screw around with him and brag about it to me. She mentioned wanting to stay in contact with me. I have complied but hesitantly. I'm now with that guy (the guy who is the subject of this whole thread) and he had voiced his displeasure at me staying in contact with her, him being concerned that I would fall in love with her, and also him feeling that I should move on from her and let her move on with her life in Australia. To respect his wishes, and because I know that it would have upset me if it were the other way around, I've slowly stopped replying to her emails. So, now he has totally changed his tune, she mentioned to me in an email that he added her on Skype and that they talk. Last night he said that he did this (but that she added him and he just accepted) because he "feels bad for her" and doesn't mind talking to her, etc. This makes me really unhappy. I don't know what to do, I feel like there's this knot in my stomach and it gets worse and worse every time I think about it. That's a hypocrite move of him. To demand from you to break contact with her while he gets into contact with her. I guess it's a reason why so many people break contact with exes completely. It creates complications. Perhaps you should sit down with him and agree that the both of you will break contact from now on with her as it adds unnecessary complications to your relationship.
Author eastcheap Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 I feel as though I don't have the right to do that.
jackxtore Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 That's a hypocrite move of him. To demand from you to break contact with her while he gets into contact with her. I guess it's a reason why so many people break contact with exes completely. It creates complications. Perhaps you should sit down with him and agree that the both of you will break contact from now on with her as it adds unnecessary complications to your relationship. i totally agree with that for sure. the other stuff i think people should give you more advice for...but the ex lover thing you totally can feel uncomfortable about that especially if he was upset at first too
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