mbm69 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Sorry for those of you who don't remember or haven't seen my original posts. Very short synopsis of my situation: I've been with my BF for 17 years, we have 2 kids (11 and 7). I got briefly involved with an old flame of mine from before I met my SO after old flame 'found me' on facebook. Started out as an EA, and we kissed, but nothing sexual ever happened. Old flame 'broke it off' when he got involved with another woman. After he broke it off, he wanted us to remain friends... I tried that for a week before I crumbled. Asked him for NC, he fished once, but after I asked him not to contact me again, he obliged and I haven't heard a peep from him since mid-March. I decided NOT to tell my husband about the episode because he would've certainly decided to leave me. BUT I did decide that I would put all my heart and energy into him and my family. I DO feel guilty for what I did, but I think that living with the guilt and shame is much less harmful for my kids and family than the truth coming out. And I know that might not be an opinion that other people would agree with, but it is how I decided to deal with the situation. However, this guilt I will forever carry will be a constant reminder of the mistake I made and why I should never ever let my guard down with another man ever again. All the advice and wisdom I got here during my 'crisis' has been extremely helpful and insightful. I do think of OM once in a while, but because of NC AND focusing on my family, the thoughts have gone from constant to occasional. I was so mad at OM for breaking it off with me when it happened, but it probably saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life. For those of you who are struggling with NC, do not despair. I had my family to focus on. But, I think that you can focus on anything you like, it will help with the pain. Just focus 100% on what you choose to focus on.
26pointblue Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I do think of OM once in a while, but because of NC AND focusing on my family, the thoughts have gone from constant to occasional. I was so mad at OM for breaking it off with me when it happened, but it probably saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life. For those of you who are struggling with NC, do not despair. I had my family to focus on. But, I think that you can focus on anything you like, it will help with the pain. Just focus 100% on what you choose to focus on. This is good advice, thank you. I was doing so well in NC & feeling very strong when I was just focusing on myself. I don't have a spouse or children [non-furry ones anyway. ] I was just trying to better my life & become a stronger, more independent person. I was also focusing on my career, & running. Sometimes it feels so lonely & almost empty to just have me but I was/am really trying to be happy with the life I have & know that I only need myself & I certainly don't need xMM. A recent vm from him saying that he's moving out set me back tons. But I'm coming back around & want to get back to that place of strength. I agree that it helps to focus 100% on something other than xMM. I forgot that & started thinking too much about him instead of about me. I'm glad you're doing well, thanks for sharing.
Author mbm69 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I know that if xOM would contact me, I would relapse back to my obsessing about him as it's only been 6 or 7 weeks since beginning of NC. I'm still vulnerable. Actually, when it comes to xOM, I will always be vulnerable. I was vulnerable to his charms 20 years ago, and it hasn't changed. But now instead of fantasizing about the day I would be with him, I fantasize about the day he will say he made a mistake breaking it off and I can tell him that I'm too deeply in love with my spouse to ever want to be with him. I'm working very hard on the last part of the fantasy... and have made some progress in the last few weeks. I also focused on my job and some extra-curricular activities with the kids and SO as well... Our physical activity is martial arts (karate and kickboxing). I have also been working on my outlook on life. I have gotten into the habit of quoting positive and optimistic quotes on my FB page and that has also helped me quite a bit. Quoting is the first step to believing... I am starting to believe. It feels good.
East7 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I fantasize about the day he will say he made a mistake breaking it off and I can tell him that I'm too deeply in love with my spouse to ever want to be with him. That's kind of contradicting don't you think ? If you were really over xOM you wouldn't even care about his regrets. Maybe he left you because you were married and he had nothing to expect/hope from you; He found someone available and stopped the A, what did you expect? pretty normal.. If you were fantasizing about OM, you weren't in love with your H.
ladydesigner Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 That's kind of contradicting don't you think ? If you were really over xOM you wouldn't even care about his regrets. Maybe he left you because you were married and he had nothing to expect/hope from you; He found someone available and stopped the A, what did you expect? pretty normal.. If you were fantasizing about OM, you weren't in love with your H. I agree with this and she may not be. I wasn't completely over my XOM until I went NC and let some time pass. BTW mbm69 I had the same exact fantasy as you, it never came true though. I think we have this particular fantasy to help us deal with being rejected (dumped). It took me a while to get over those feelings. Today I would thank my XOM for breaking it off because i know we would have been a disaster. My XOM and I would never have made it IRL and to think I would have brought all that crap onto my kids and H just make me Glad to hear you are focusing on your family and trying to get your M back on track.
fooled once Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Hang in there. One day at a time. Glad to hear that you are still NC with him and even happier to hear you are focusing 100% on your family. I hope you can build a true future with your H and that you find happiness within you and with your family.
kimpppp Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 NC is awful to have done to you. It erodes your self-confindence. Makes you feel like you don't matter and that you never did. You also can't let go because you don't really have closure. It is cruel and can really affect that person's future relationships. They will be afraid to trust people because they are waiting to get screwed over again. NC is absolutely the worst way to go unless it is done a little bit at a time. All at once is asking for trouble. This person may decide that he wants revenge and contact your husband one day. You should tell your husband the truth. He will forgive you for telling him about it instead of finding out about it from somewhere else. It's amazing what a good man can actually handle and deal effectively with.
Author mbm69 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 I agree with this and she may not be. I wasn't completely over my XOM until I went NC and let some time pass. Exactly... that's exactly it... but I am getting there.
Author mbm69 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 NC is awful to have done to you. It erodes your self-confindence. Makes you feel like you don't matter and that you never did. You also can't let go because you don't really have closure. It is cruel and can really affect that person's future relationships. They will be afraid to trust people because they are waiting to get screwed over again. NC is absolutely the worst way to go unless it is done a little bit at a time. All at once is asking for trouble. This person may decide that he wants revenge and contact your husband one day. You should tell your husband the truth. He will forgive you for telling him about it instead of finding out about it from somewhere else. It's amazing what a good man can actually handle and deal effectively with. Just a reminder that OM 'dumped' ME for another woman. He knows he broke my heart and I think he wanted to keep me on the side in case it didn't work out with his new GF. I doubt he will seek revenge. I'm the one who should be seeking revenge frankly.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Your thread made me smile. I now know that one can be tempted by another when happily married. It happened to me. You are doing all the right things. There's no need for you to tell your husband because you are clearly committed to him and your family and regret what happened. I told my husband about my attraction to a MM. Knowing what I know today, I would NOT tell him. I could have learned my lessons without introducing insecurity into his life. Trust your instincts. It's natural to think about these guys even after you know better. I think we create neural grooves in brain patterning, so the thoughts will continue to come up. It's just a reel that plays which we must consistently ignore. As you say, change the focus .... Paying attention to the "reel" can be just as destructive as an affair. It will go away in time. As with you, it helped when I started focusing on my husband -- and also on my poor boundaries, my lack of appreciation and complacency over the blessings I have, buried childhood issues that made me attracted to someone so clearly damaged, etc. OM did you a huge favor. I'd suggest you write him a thank-you note several years from now, but it's probably best to stay in NC.
Author mbm69 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 OM did you a huge favor. I'd suggest you write him a thank-you note several years from now, but it's probably best to stay in NC. I totally agree that he did me a huge favor. I'm convinced that my SO is the better man of them both. It's easy, I was nostalgic about my past. OM was all about my past. But you can't live in the past, you can only live for the present and the future. My present is my family... my future, well i'm still undecided about that. My kids are growing up fast and will be on their own eventually. But for now, they need a home filled with love, compassion and support and that's what I intend on giving them. Me and SO never talk about the future, but last night, after coming back from a weekend conference for my job, we did talk about the long term future. One of the conferences during the weekend was planning our retirement, and I realized me and SO need a goal to look forward to when the kids are out of the home. For the first time we talked about that... we have slightly different views on empty nesters projects. We'll see how that evolves.
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