Broke NC, Now Strict NC Forever

[ilovedhim]

This is tough for me to write. Emotions still very raw from last night.

 

My ex and I have been having problems since the inception of our relationship about a year ago. We also dated out of high school for about 3 years, that was a few years ago and all this time we had STRICT NO CONTACT until he found me on facebook. Last February I started pulling away from him only seeing him 2x in the span of 3 months. A month ago I told him we need to implement NC from this point forward (we had an incident in March that I just can't ever forgive). He accused me of cheating with a friend. I wasn't.

 

This week he sent me a message breaking NC, I ignored. Then he sent me a series of sweet messages telling me how much he missed me and he needs me in his life, asking if I missed him, telling me how not a day in his life did he not think about me, he feels safe with me, on and on. I contacted him back telling him there really is nothing we can do about it now. It's over.

 

This continued into the next day, I caved and told him I would meet him, then backed out the last minute and didn't meet him that day.

 

This shouldve been a hint for me to hit DELETE and continue NC but I fell for it. He proceeded to give me the guilt trip. That we're both to blame and we need to meet up. Finally I went to see him at his place last night.

 

If you've read my posts on LS these past few weeks you know I've been suffering, hurting, in pain. So I went with the intention of getting some answers and for some closure.

 

My fellow LS'ers: closure is not something the other person can give you!!! I'm not there yet but I truly believe it's something that happens gradually with time.

 

I showed up to his place and he immediately wanted to make out. I stoppped we talked a bit, made out a bit, then we had sex. Although I got some answers, I didn't get all the answers I wanted.

 

THEN I find out he has been seeing someone while we were NC. Not wanting to be a hypocrite, because I have been working on getting back with an ex, I told him there is no way we will ever meet again. He didn't understand why! And being emotionally drained myself, I didn't want to argue or explain. Just told him I'll be blocking him from everything, if he contacts me not to expect a response. I COULD'NT GET OUT OF THERE FAST ENOUGH!

 

Last night I didn't sleep at all, and I'm hungover from cinco de mayo. Now I'm feeling numb, angry, guilty, hurt. What a disaster! And a waste of time this entire relationship was. How dysfunctional could a relationship possibly get?

 

The only positive is there is no doubt in my mind ending this was the best thing. It's strict NC from now to forever.

[ilovedhim]

P.S. Very sorry if this sounds like a rant. Looking back I feel so stupid about the whole relationship and all the time wasted.

[justagirrl]

you seem like someone who would understand my situation really well...

 

i just posted a little while ago "CAN'T say what's on my mind..."

 

NC is so hard and i'm seriously struggling with it. everytime i contact him and don't get a response within minutes, i get really upset and just wanna sleep so i'm not even thinking about it =(

[justagirrl]

I thought I was the only one thinking "how could anything be this dysfunctional?!"

 

=(

[ilovedhim]

i'll read your post.

 

trust me i am determined to continue with nc. some days were tough before i didn't know if i was doing the right thing. Now I know!

[Mike_d]

we make mistakes, we're human, we learn from them, we use the mistakes to adjust our thinking, we move towards success. don't beat yourself up too much, you are much stronger now that you have the conviction that comes from your experience. you wouldn't be as strong as you are now without the mistake. ever forward

[Sweet_T]

I hear you! Read my post...any input would be great! It's crazy how feeling and emotions jump all over the place. It's scary to say the least.

[ilovedhim]

we make mistakes, we're human, we learn from them, we use the mistakes to adjust our thinking, we move towards success. don't beat yourself up too much, you are much stronger now that you have the conviction that comes from your experience. you wouldn't be as strong as you are now without the mistake. ever forward[/QUO

The term success has no place in my vocabulary right now. I feel like a total failure. I feel weak and defeated. Really don't want to end up bitter but the only way for me to do that is to put this person out of memeory entirely.

 

He has effectively destroyed every beautiful moment we had together. And I don't want to make myself out to be innocent in all this but I was honest every step of the way. Just finding out yesterday that he was with others, he says during our breaks and that is a flat out lie. I know it but I didn't call him out on it because in March I made up my mind that we didn't have a future together. And this was only the 3rd time I had seen him since februrary. And yes I was with soemone else.

 

This person made it out like we were soulmates with all these external forces stopping our union. Like soemthing out of star trek. Good heavens at least I never pretended.

 

I want this chapter closed. Really want to move past this and just remember the good days. I walked out and told him when I walk passed that door I am dead.

[ilovedhim]

Sweet t what's the thread title? ill read it. Sorry on my cell and its hard to look.

[heartbrokn]

hi, im in a situation like yours (being accused of cheatn) , it's a bad feeling when your being broken up with for something you haven't done. I wish you the best and hope your situation gets better for you. : ) i also have a thread "Wondering, should i call him back or move on? and it would be great if you could help on deciding whether or not if i should move on with my life or not.

[heartbrokn]

Im sorry its " Wondering, should i call him or move on?