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Does a desire to be with someone other than your partner...

surfrider4284

By surfrider4284
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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surfrider4284 Established Member

surfrider4284

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mean you should end thigns? Or is a reason to not go back to them?

 

As some of you know, I recently broke up with a long term girlfriend. Part of this is because I have a desire to be with other women. I don't know if this is just a normal part of being a 20 something male, or if this is a signal I'm not with the right person.

 

For the record, I've never cheated on her, and did not want to even give myself a chance to cheat on her, so in my mind, I had to break up with her. I was thinking last night though...is this something that I will always feel, no matter who I am with, simply because I am a man??

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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For the record, I've never cheated on her

For the record, yes you have, emotionally.

 

Move on dude. If you can't be faithful to her then she is not right for you, or there is something wrong with you. Either way, leave her alone, she has done nothing wrong.

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surfrider4284 Established Member

surfrider4284

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For the record, yes you have, emotionally.

 

Move on dude. If you can't be faithful to her then she is not right for you, or there is something wrong with you. Either way, leave her alone, she has done nothing wrong.

 

 

I think that's a little harsh.

 

I have never had initmate conversations or deep non-physical relationships with anyone but her while we were together. The fact that I have a normal male brain means I am an emotional cheater?

 

To say that something is "wrong with me" because I am only human and my brain is simply wired a certain way is a bit ignorant if you ask me. Desire is one thing, following through on desire is another. I have not followed through on any desires. I believe that is a sign of maturity and respect for the other person.

 

Are you telling me that it is not normal to wonder what it'd be like to be with that hot chick that walks past you on the street?

melodymatters Established Member

melodymatters

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I think the "20 something" needs more clarification. If you are 20, 21, 22, still in college, I think It is normal and you are simply being honest with yourself, her and we here on the board.

 

If you are say...28 and been on your own in the world, with a varied sexual/dating history than maybe you WILL always be a "grass is grenner "type, or maybe you just need more life experience and in your 30's you'll get tired or fall in love or die or something !:laugh:

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surfrider4284 Established Member

surfrider4284

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I'm 26. We've been dating since we've been 21/22.

melodymatters Established Member

melodymatters

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Then in my opinion and mine only, I would say you are just not one of those guys who are ready to find a lifemate in college/at college age. most of my male friends were not and went on to make good husbands when they were ready.

 

As long as you are honest and kind, then your conscience should be clear, and no, you're not a commitment phobe freak doomed to die alone ! Good luck !

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surfrider4284 Established Member

surfrider4284

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Then in my opinion and mine only, I would say you are just not one of those guys who are ready to find a lifemate in college/at college age. most of my male friends were not and went on to make good husbands when they were ready.

 

As long as you are honest and kind, then your conscience should be clear, and no, you're not a commitment phobe freak doomed to die alone ! Good luck !

 

It's not even that I can't commit. I committed to her, and only her, for 5 years.

 

My main thing is...is it normal to have these feelings? Will I always have these feelings? I just don't know if having these feelings means I'm with the wrong person. If Ill likely have them no matter who I'm with, it makes me view our relationship in a new light, and I wouldn't be so sure ending it is the best decision..

melodymatters Established Member

melodymatters

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It's not even that I can't commit. I committed to her, and only her, for 5 years.

 

My main thing is...is it normal to have these feelings? Will I always have these feelings? I just don't know if having these feelings means I'm with the wrong person. If Ill likely have them no matter who I'm with, it makes me view our relationship in a new light, and I wouldn't be so sure ending it is the best decision..

 

 

That my dear, I can't tell you without a crystal ball and a time machine. I CAN say, that being committed since one is 21, for 5 years, is likely not going to end the best. Not in modern culture.

 

I think people will ALWAYS have attractions for other people besides their partner, BUT, if they've "sowed their wild oats" and have enough bad AND good relationships underneath their belt, they are more likely to make mature, wise decisions within their current relationship. ( ie: I'm 35, had 4 long term GF'f and dated a lot, I know Giselle at work is hot, but I am OLD AND WISE enough not to throw out what I have with Suzy because I know there is no perfect person and attraction and infatuation are fleeting)

 

When you get to that point, you'll be ready to settle down. My guess is you aren't yet, understandably and if you were my kid or younger brother I would say the same thing !

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surfrider4284 Established Member

surfrider4284

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I really appreciate your take, thanks for that.

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