Shinra24 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Hello all, I've been browsing the boards for a week now, since d day as you all like to call it. Wanted to post my own experience and see what everyone thinks. I'm 27. She's 21. We have been together (not married but headed in that direction) for three years and I thought everything was wonderful. Well a few months ago we ran into a guy I know. I noticed that they hit it off a little too well so I told her about it in an attempt to cut anything off. She had always been very innocent and I didn't think I had anything to worry about. Well that was in January and fast forward to now, I caught her in a looooong series of lies. She was essentially living a double life where she would spend a lot of time with me, and then when I had something else going on she would be with the OM and his friends. The lies were awful - she told them she had broken up with me. That Hirt bad enough. There were tons more and I know a few times she told me it was girls night out she was actually out with him and his friends. I confronted her with a lot of evidence but she denied. Well I decided to talk to the guy since I know him, he confirmed everything. He said he thought it was ok cause she said we were broken up. There are tons of details but essentially they made out four times and they were going out with the group a lot. Like twice a week. I also found a facebook message that she apparently had a crush on a other guy and went to his house but wasn't interested. That really ****ed me up. She denied til the bitter end and I wouldn't have gotten the truth unless I went to him. Now she's extremely regretful and apologetic. She says she wants to stay with me and loves me. She wants to stay together. She will not be talking to the guy anymore especially since he knows the truth now. He's out of the picture. Though I'm reluctant to say it I still love her. I don't know if I can forgive her because of the lies and because there were times she chose to be with him rather than me (girls night out). I don't know if I can trust her either. She says she developed some feelings for him but it was fleeting. She said the reason she did it was cause she was feeling neglected and/or lonely. I did **** up and not really plan anything for her birthday but I didnt deserve this. She admits I didn't deserve it and that she is at fault. This was going on for two to three months where she was essentially living two lives. She comes from a good traditional family. But what do I do? Perhaps she will mature but if she sought shelter with another man/men what's to stop her from doing it again? I was a little suspicious but I never suspected it was this bad. I basically had to become a private investigator to figure the whole thing out and who knows what she would have done if he had returned her feelings (which he did not, to him they were just friends with benefits). Maybe it was just her youth immaturity and selfishness? Maybe we can take it slow until I'm sure she's ready and mature to make a full commitment? I want to believe that she will change with age but my pain and distrust are great. I'm willing to work with her but is it worth the work? She has still been a little weird since d day but we have made strides such as she doesn't hide her phone from me, which is a big one. And she has told the OM and his best friend the truth. Thanks a lot for your help Ive been going thru hell for a week and crying more in this week than I had in the previous ten years combined.
Author Shinra24 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 As far as the second guy, what I meant to say was when she went to his house he was not interested in her. I drive myself nuts thinking about what may have happened if he was. She insists she never intended to do anything with that guy, she was just a little crazy at that time and wanted to see if she could get a guy to like her. I said if that's all you want we should break up cause you wanna be young and single. So of course she cries and says no she loves and wants me. Ugh my world is upside down.
Author Shinra24 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Thanks for your thoughtful replies. She had mentioned a couple times that she was annoyed with something I has done or that I hadn't done something she wanted to do. So yes she did hint at it probably two to three times. But never did she sit down with me and explain how serious it was that it would drive her to another guy. My greatest fear is that her whole story is a lie and that she just liked these guys and acted on it. In that case I would leave because I know she just acted completely out of her own selfish desires and not for any reason involving me. I am young but I truly do love her and could see us getting married having children forever. It would be the most painful thing in my life to no longer have her. I am willing to work or at least give this a trial run. But can I ever trust her.
Mimolicious Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Is denying really any type of defense when you already have seen evidence? Hone, count your blessings. Be glad she has shown you her true colors before you made her your W and the mother of your children.
Author Shinra24 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Last night I discovered yet another guy. That makes three guys she had a crush on in three months while supposedly in a loving serious relationship where we had discussed marriage and it was essentially a foregone conclusion. I don't justify her actions. They are inexcusable. She was essentially playin the field while she told all of her friends we were broken up. This last guy she was hiding from me as well. I was suspicious so I asked him and he gave me every detail and was extremely honest. It never got physical probably because HE wasn't interested, but she clearly liked him. They hadn't talked in a few weeks. Because i told her to be completely honest with me and she wasn't, I am now finished with her. I am going to try to stay friends with her but I can't see myself making a lifetime commitment to someone who couldnt stay committed to me for three years. The last detail I should mention is that for the whole month of February while she was messing around with the first guy, the one she got physical with, I was home every day studying for the bar exam. In my room every day studying so we could have a better future, and she was having her fun. I don't deserve that.
What_Next Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 To answer your question yes she is too young, but that's not what is the root of this, she is not ready to be in a comitted relationship. For heavens sakes RUN. Let her go sow her oats or whatever else she needs to do. No children, no marriage yet, now is the time.
Chi townD Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I agree with What next! But, I'll go a step further. You can't be friends with her right now. You've got too much on your plate and the Bar Exam IS NOT EASY TO PASS! Cut her loose. I mean, she was telling people you guys were broken up for God sakes! You got your head on straight and have your priorities and you head on straight. She needs to find her own path!
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 She's obviously not ready for any kind of full committment. Partially her age, partially her inexperience with guys.. Are you her first serious boyfriend? I assume she isn't your seeing as you're 27. If you love her and want to give her a chance, then do so, but I suggest couples therapy.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Last night I discovered yet another guy. That makes three guys she had a crush on in three months while supposedly in a loving serious relationship where we had discussed marriage and it was essentially a foregone conclusion. I don't justify her actions. They are inexcusable. She was essentially playin the field while she told all of her friends we were broken up. This last guy she was hiding from me as well. I was suspicious so I asked him and he gave me every detail and was extremely honest. It never got physical probably because HE wasn't interested, but she clearly liked him. They hadn't talked in a few weeks. Because i told her to be completely honest with me and she wasn't, I am now finished with her. I am going to try to stay friends with her but I can't see myself making a lifetime commitment to someone who couldnt stay committed to me for three years. The last detail I should mention is that for the whole month of February while she was messing around with the first guy, the one she got physical with, I was home every day studying for the bar exam. In my room every day studying so we could have a better future, and she was having her fun. I don't deserve that. Take your time then. Be alone and focus on passing your exam (hope you kick butt on it!) then deal with her later. I've re-read your thread, honestly, is she worth fighting for? How much of her remorse is because she got caught and reaction of possibly losing you, being afraid of being alone and feeling desparate? Right now she isn't GENUINALLLY sorry.. You keep finding out more and more stuff that she's hidden from you, LIES and more betrayal. The lies are bad. it's one thing to cheat and it's another to spin a big lie saying you two were broken up when that's not true. She has issues.
Kansas85 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 "Last night I discovered yet another guy." I still don't understand... you're smart enough for the bar exam, but you can't see a slut right in front of your own face???? I mean does she have to wear a flashing neon sign before you get it??? Out of all the women you've ever known, you choose the one who is and will continue cheating on you... that's fine, just don't spread this to all women. Read the thread about my friend, the one I posted, about a guy she liked who married a woman who not only cheated on him, in public, but got the cheater guy to give her drugs and when the police got involved she denied everything, even though it was all on C
Kansas85 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 "Last night I discovered yet another guy." I still don't understand... you're smart enough for the bar exam, but you can't see a slut right in front of your own face???? I mean does she have to wear a flashing neon sign before you get it??? Out of all the women you've ever known, you choose the one who is and will continue cheating on you... that's fine, just don't spread this to all women. Read the thread about my friend, the one I posted, about a guy she liked who married a woman who not only cheated on him, in public, but got the cheater guy to give her drugs and when the police got involved she denied everything, even though it was all on CAMERA ON CAMERA. That is one thing I will never understand about men. You have a sea of women around you, yet you pick, and get hung up on, the one lady who not only does not give a sht about your bar exam, but who will cheat on you and then make some lame excuse about it afterwards... I love you, I want to stay with you, I'm sorry, I'm so regretful.. yup, after she was CAUGHT. But you notice, none of that before she was caught.
heartshaped Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 You did the right thing. She's too young and inexperienced for such a committed relationship. Just a piece of advice for the future, don't date a woman that is that much younger than you. The two of you will be in totally different places in life. Stick to someone who is within 3 years either way of your age.
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