ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Hi All, I'm having some issues with my boyfriend of 11 months. We have been living together for about 2 months and we had, what I thought was a solid foundation. But after a convo with him yesterday, found out he has what he calls "mixed feelings" about me. I asked him what he meant by that. About 4 months ago we broke up for a period of a few weeks, and he still has some issues regarding that, even though he was the one that initiated the the break up. He says the mixed feelings he has are having to do with the future where we are concerned. He said right now he still feels we are getting to know one another and I pretty much took that as he doesn't know if I'm the "one". While I know living together isn't an engagement for marriage, I really thought it solidified the long term. But he still sees this as learning more about me. He is very safe guarded about his feelings. While I know he cares for me, I don't think "love" is there for him...yet. He doesn't even know. He has done a lot for me and I thought his actions showed me he loved me, so I wasn't too hung up on the words "I love you". I guess I was wrong. This conversation didn't end well. It ended in an argument, with me crying and telling him I think I need to move out. Maybe that was a little irrational of me but I was hurt. He told me he didn't understand why I felt I needed to move. He doesn't understand that I think his feelings should be a little more solid than they are. He than got defensive and told me I was acting like a baby. Now we are barely on speaking terms. He left for work today and barely said a word to me. I really need some help.
JasonRules Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Hi All, I'm having some issues with my boyfriend of 11 months. We have been living together for about 2 months and we had, what I thought was a solid foundation. But after a convo with him yesterday, found out he has what he calls "mixed feelings" about me. I asked him what he meant by that. About 4 months ago we broke up for a period of a few weeks, and he still has some issues regarding that, even though he was the one that initiated the the break up. He says the mixed feelings he has are having to do with the future where we are concerned. He said right now he still feels we are getting to know one another and I pretty much took that as he doesn't know if I'm the "one". While I know living together isn't an engagement for marriage, I really thought it solidified the long term. But he still sees this as learning more about me. He is very safe guarded about his feelings. While I know he cares for me, I don't think "love" is there for him...yet. He doesn't even know. He has done a lot for me and I thought his actions showed me he loved me, so I wasn't too hung up on the words "I love you". I guess I was wrong. This conversation didn't end well. It ended in an argument, with me crying and telling him I think I need to move out. Maybe that was a little irrational of me but I was hurt. He told me he didn't understand why I felt I needed to move. He doesn't understand that I think his feelings should be a little more solid than they are. He than got defensive and told me I was acting like a baby. Now we are barely on speaking terms. He left for work today and barely said a word to me. I really need some help. Hmm. So let me ask; how is your sexual relationship with your boyfriend? Is it good, bad, average? Is it frequent or once in a blue moon? Does he make the moves on you first? Is he distant or apathetic? Also, has anything changed lately in his schedule? For example, did he used to come home at 6PM from work, but now is coming home much later? Anything about his behavior which you've noticed?
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Hmm. So let me ask; how is your sexual relationship with your boyfriend? Is it good, bad, average? Is it frequent or once in a blue moon? Does he make the moves on you first? Is he distant or apathetic? Also, has anything changed lately in his schedule? For example, did he used to come home at 6PM from work, but now is coming home much later? Anything about his behavior which you've noticed? That part is great. No complaints. Its frequent. It isn't about another woman if that is what your getting at. His schedule has not changed. Nothing else has changed..
JasonRules Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 That part is great. No complaints. Its frequent. It isn't about another woman if that is what your getting at. His schedule has not changed. Nothing else has changed.. If nothing has changed why are his feelings mixed all of a sudden? Has he talked about any female friends of colleagues at work? I just have a hard time believing that everything is great between you two, but his feelings are mixed. Either something happened between the two of you or there is another woman in the back of his mind.
poorguy Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 If nothing has changed why are his feelings mixed all of a sudden? Has he talked about any female friends of colleagues at work? I just have a hard time believing that everything is great between you two, but his feelings are mixed. Either something happened between the two of you or there is another woman in the back of his mind. I agree. Somethings up. Although sometimes stupid people will do things like this for a power-grab over the relationship I suppose
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 If nothing has changed why are his feelings mixed all of a sudden? Has he talked about any female friends of colleagues at work? I just have a hard time believing that everything is great between you two, but his feelings are mixed. Either something happened between the two of you or there is another woman in the back of his mind. There is no other woman.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I agree. Somethings up. Although sometimes stupid people will do things like this for a power-grab over the relationship I suppose Nothing is up as far as another interest goes. I mentioned above why he says his feelings are mixed.
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I'm wondering if the idea of playing house together is a little too real for him. I know of guy friends who have gone through this before. The idea of living together gets to be too real in that it almost seems to them as if life is flashing before their eyes and while they may love the woman, the idea of commiting on a more deeper level most times leave them feeling suffocated and scared. Ultimately, after moving in, most guys believe that a woman has it in her mind that the next step would be to get engaged, and so on. He may not be ready for all of this and is stepping back and it doesn't matter whether you want that or not. In their mind, they believe/know that this is the normal progression of an R and get freaked by it. You've been together for 11 months and 2 months into moving in together he's questioning the future and his need to get to know you better. My ex did the same. He said he it felt too real for him and he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Just my 2 cents.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I'm wondering if the idea of playing house together is a little too real for him. I know of guy friends who have gone through this before. The idea of living together gets to be too real in that it almost seems to them as if life is flashing before their eyes and while they may love the woman, the idea of commiting on a more deeper level most times leave them feeling suffocated and scared. Ultimately, after moving in, most guys believe that a woman has it in her mind that the next step would be to get engaged, and so on. He may not be ready for all of this and is stepping back and it doesn't matter whether you want that or not. In their mind, they believe/know that this is the normal progression of an R and get freaked by it. You've been together for 11 months and 2 months into moving in together he's questioning the future and his need to get to know you better. My ex did the same. He said he it felt too real for him and he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Just my 2 cents. Well he has no issues with commitment. And he doesn't want me to move out so I don't think that is the issue.
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Then it could possibly be he is not sure about you or there may be someone else that is causing some distraction.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Then it could possibly be he is not sure about you or there may be someone else that is causing some distraction. There isn't anyone else. That I'm positive about.
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 There may not be someone physically in his life but there may be a distraction of some sort...a liking or an interest on his part that's in early stages. Maybe someone he talks to at work that he finds interesting.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 There may not be someone physically in his life but there may be a distraction of some sort...a liking or an interest on his part that's in early stages. Maybe someone he talks to at work that he finds interesting. I know his coworkers. He works with all men, except one woman and she is older and married.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Not every couple that has issues, has to do with there being "someone else"
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Question: Why would you move in with someone who doesn't know if he loves you even after being with you for 11 months?
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Question: Why would you move in with someone who doesn't know if he loves you even after being with you for 11 months? He told me early on that he thinks actions speak louder than words. And with all he has done for me, I thought that was true. He really has been wonderful
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Not every couple that has issues, has to do with there being "someone else" You don't have to be snippy. We've all been through these signs and only relaying what we know from experience. If he has no commitment issues, no other person distracting him, then maybe he is just not sure about you/future with you.
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 He told me early on that he thinks actions speak louder than words. And with all he has done for me, I thought that was true. He really has been wonderful Yes, actions speaks lourder than words but when you love someone, it's not sweat off your back to say it. You want to say it. You want the person to know through WORDS and ACTION. Moving in with someone is a big commitment. One that is solidified with love, commitment, forseeable plans for the future, etc..at least from my part as i am older and would only move in if I've built a strong foundation with someone only after a couple or few years.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 You don't have to be snippy. We've all been through these signs and only relaying what we know from experience. If he has no commitment issues, no other person distracting him, then maybe he is just not sure about you/future with you. lol no one was being snippy.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Yes, actions speaks lourder than words but when you love someone, it's not sweat off your back to say it. You want to say it. You want the person to know through WORDS and ACTION. Moving in with someone is a big commitment. One that is solidified with love, commitment, forseeable plans for the future, etc..at least from my part as i am older and would only move in if I've built a strong foundation with someone only after a couple or few years. He looks at us living together as a way to KNOW if we want to build a future. I have a hard time with that.
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I think he has jumped the gun a bit. He can't even say he loves you and you both live together?? It seems backwards to me. You date, living separately and as you go along slowly building a strong foundation, you figure out if you love this person enough and see them in your life long term and then take the next step (moving in together).
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I think he has jumped the gun a bit. He can't even say he loves you and you both live together?? It seems backwards to me. You date, living separately and as you go along slowly building a strong foundation, you figure out if you love this person enough and see them in your life long term and then take the next step (moving in together). I agree. And I don't want to move out. But he hasn't said anything to keep me there.
geegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I would move out. You're setting yourself up for hurt. It's nice and everything playing house with someone that cares but understand that when the novelty has worn off, there is nothing in your foundation that is going to hold your relationship up. Being wonderful and caring is not enough. You need to look out for yourself.
Ghosst Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 My ex was indecisive like that. In hindsight I think he was bi-polar. One week he would be completely in love with me, telling how much he loved me, calling and texting multiple times every day...then it would be like a switch....you could just tell his heart was not in it, he would need alone time. He would go out with a friend, not return my calls or texts, he would be confused. Damn Libra, lol. Anyways, I don't think its a cheating thing. In the end you only have two choices: 1. Learn to accept him for who he is and love him through his doubtful times. Resenting him for it will only push him farther away. 2. Leave him. He won't likely change. Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you will realize what little chance you have of changing him.
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