HalfAlive22 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 As many of you may remember from my older posts, I am separated from my H. He was/is a serial cheater, and has had two very emotional and physical affairs, the last in wich he wanted to leave for her, it took me over 2 years to finally come to the conclusion to end our marriage. The problem now is he does not! we have been separated for a few months now, and divorce is in the works..he has been desperately trying to get me back, he has quit his band, even quit and found a new job. He staysh home every weekend takes the kids everywhere, sends me flowers, he even went as far as to find an old barbie doll I had as a child that I lost that I told him about years ago..and sent it to me, last weekend while I was at work he and my daughter planted an entire garden for me, he went back to therapy and the 12 step program to change his ways, and heres the kicker...last night when he was supose to bring our daughter home he brought her to his mothers instead, the other kids were out, he came in got on his knees and proposed!!! with a diamond!! and I think other people know about it, because I've been getting hints about forgiving him from friends and family...this is crazy ! is it possible he REALLY is changing, is it because he is older now and more settled..i don't know what to do..I love him, but I just don't know if it's worth the risk at this point..please advice!!
bentnotbroken Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Half, I wish I had an answer for you. What do you really want way deep down inside? Where do you see yourself in a year, 3 years, 5 years down the road? Does that vision include him? Will you be happier with him or will you always have a weight on your shoulders with him? These are only a few of the questions, I have had to ask myself repeatedly. Find out who you are, where you want to be and how you are going to get their. Then figure out is love enough or do you need more. Will you have peace with him? Will he edify you or pull you down?
PegNosePete Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I would agree with bent if it weren't for the proposal part. To propose like that shows a lack of understanding IMO. IF you decide to take him back then you're certainly not going to marry him until the trust is back and you're sure it is going to work out -- ARE YOU??? To plant something like a proposal like that is quite manipulative IMO. He's trying to overwhelm you with emotion so that you can't think rationally about the situation. He's trying to trick or bribe you into taking him back. Personally I would see the proposal as a sign that he is immature and is not ready for a stable relationship.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I would agree with bent if it weren't for the proposal part. To propose like that shows a lack of understanding IMO. IF you decide to take him back then you're certainly not going to marry him until the trust is back and you're sure it is going to work out -- ARE YOU??? To plant something like a proposal like that is quite manipulative IMO. He's trying to overwhelm you with emotion so that you can't think rationally about the situation. He's trying to trick or bribe you into taking him back. Personally I would see the proposal as a sign that he is immature and is not ready for a stable relationship. I agree, I know he is'nt intentionally trying to trick me , I think he means well..and we are not even divorced yet..so it would be renewing vows..whatever you call it..he did say he would leave me alone now, to "think" and would wait as long as needed , there were a lot of things said that I did not go into detail about, it's so hard part of me wants to jump in his arms and live happily together, the other part wants to kick him in the teeth lol!
Sweet_T Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Girl! If you still love him...GO FOR IT! I pray everything works out for you but you'll never know if you don't take that leap!
Irishlove Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I had a boyfriend who was also a serial cheater even to the point while I was planning our wedding he got someone else pg.....while I was pg. I cancelled our wedding but stayed living with him because I was pg. He swore to me I was the only one blah blah blah and I went ahead and married him. It took a while to trust him and he knew I would search at any given time. As far as I know he has never been with anyone else. I told him if he was going to make sure he wears a condom and she better have a bunch of money and hook me up with some cash to. That took the fun out of it I suppose. lol It's been a bit over ten years and we are divorcing for different reasons (fell out of love). So yes they can change. It is going to drive you crazy but you do what you have to until you have trust and he should allow it. If you want to gps his vehicle or gps his phone or tell him you would hire a private investigator at any given time...he should say 'ok'. You are already married, you have children together...I would give it one more chance but be VERY firm and let him know your boundaries. If you tell him you forgive him then you need to let it go and not bring it up. Good luck
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I think people can change with personal work if they really want to. My first thought is, was this similar to the way he acted when he was courting you before your marriage? I think I'd be wary that it was a situation of wanting what he doesn't have. He's giving it his all right now, but what is the risk of this effort to change stopping once he has you back? That could just be my self protective nature at work, but it is a question I would have to thoroughly and decisively answer before I could begin to believe in real change. I think you continue to move forward with your plans while you watch his progress. Or don't move towards anything until you're sure. If you get back with him, yes it will be a risk, but there are risks in most things we do. If you chose to do it, just make it a calculated risk. Don't just go back because of what you see now. See if it stands more true over a period of time. no this is not the way he EVER acted lol, our marriage started off rocky being 18 and pregnant, it was'nt till years later we became happier, then it went down again..for him to do these things that mean a lot to me is not his character..unfortunately, so either he really has changed and grown, or he's a good actor, i'm trying to figure out what my gut thinks..
dreamingoftigers Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Your gut doesn't think as accurately as yearly polygraph check-ups will do to confirm faithfulness. See how that goes over and that is often your answer.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Your gut doesn't think as accurately as yearly polygraph check-ups will do to confirm faithfulness. See how that goes over and that is often your answer. where do you get those done?? not sure I'd want to live like that ..lol but probably a good idea
Spark1111 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 no this is not the way he EVER acted lol, our marriage started off rocky being 18 and pregnant, it was'nt till years later we became happier, then it went down again..for him to do these things that mean a lot to me is not his character..unfortunately, so either he really has changed and grown, or he's a good actor, i'm trying to figure out what my gut thinks.. Listen, you have every right to decide NOT to decide anything right now. Tell him that. WHile all of these gestures are truly wonderful, it is going to take you a whole lot longer to trust them. And until that trust is regained, if ever, you do not have to accept a ring, from him if he believes it will mean that you are no longer on the fence. Because you are and you have every right to be. I would tell him the gesture was very thoughtful, but if he is looking for reassurances of commitment from you, unh uh. Too soon. Like I told my fWS and my counselor: When you do not trust someone, you do not trust the kind and giving gestures either; the ILYs are also tainted for quite awhile. So while you enjoy the effort, attention, flattery and pursuit, it takes a while to trust that it is for REAL and demonstrates a true change. Only over time, do you begin to trust the good again.
donnamaybe Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I agree with Spark on this. You do not have to do anything - yet. If you want to put off the divorce, do so. It would be a whole lot cheaper than finalizing the divorce and then marrying again if that's what is in the cards for you in the future. The one thing you do not want to do is completely cut ties with him if you still have any doubt about doing so. You don't want to be thinking 20 years from now, "What if...?"
sammielove Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 where do you get those done?? not sure I'd want to live like that ..lol but probably a good idea Yes those are really good.....but also really expensive. Just go with your instinct that should tell you everything!
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