ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Hi All, I'm having some issues with my boyfriend of 11 months. We have been living together for about 2 months and we had, what I thought was a solid foundation. But after a convo with him yesterday, found out he has what he calls "mixed feelings" about me. I asked him what he meant by that. About 4 months ago we broke up for a period of a few weeks, and he still has some issues regarding that, even though he was the one that initiated the the break up. He says the mixed feelings he has are having to do with the future where we are concerned. He said right now he still feels we are getting to know one another and I pretty much took that as he doesn't know if I'm the "one". While I know living together isn't an engagement for marriage, I really thought it solidified the long term. But he still sees this as learning more about me. He is very safe guarded about his feelings. While I know he cares for me, I don't think "love" is there for him...yet. He doesn't even know. He has done a lot for me and I thought his actions showed me he loved me, so I wasn't too hung up on the words "I love you". I guess I was wrong. This conversation didn't end well. It ended in an argument, with me crying and telling him I think I need to move out. Maybe that was a little irrational of me but I was hurt. He told me he didn't understand why I felt I needed to move. He doesn't understand that I think his feelings should be a little more solid than they are. He than got defensive and told me I was acting like a baby. Now we are barely on speaking terms. He left for work today and barely said a word to me. I really need some help.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I'm a little blindsided by this because he has been so wonderful to me, from the start. I never had a man treat me so good before so I thought the actions showed the love was there.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 What was the reason for such a quick move-in? Especially after a breakup? Was the idea to move in together mutual? how old are each of you? in school? graduated? Working? I’m only asking so we can get more information to better understand your situation. Let us know
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I'm a little blindsided by this because he has been so wonderful to me, from the start. I never had a man treat me so good before so I thought the actions showed the love was there. The love might be there but why did you guys break up earlier if it was there? What are his reasons for being stuck on that?
orion1010 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I would move out and get my own place. I think if a guy tells you straight out he's not sure after 11 months that he loves you and can't imagine a long term future together, he means it and I don't think another 11 months will not change how he feels. If after moving out and dating each other for awhile he changes his feeling for you.. I'd concider being serious again. sometimes when a guy has alone time to evaluate things, he realizes what he's missing or he may decide you moving out is the right decision. for now, you should listen to your gut feelings and follow them. staying in something and wasting time is not worth it.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 The love might be there but why did you guys break up earlier if it was there? What are his reasons for being stuck on that? He had not told me he loved me, even at that point in time. The break up was a result of an argument. We were both going through some stressful times and unfortunately took it out on one another. After 2 weeks, he came around and we wanted to work it out. Things have been good since, until last night. We are both 33 and working full time jobs.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I would move out and get my own place. I think if a guy tells you straight out he's not sure after 11 months that he loves you and can't imagine a long term future together, he means it and I don't think another 11 months will not change how he feels. If after moving out and dating each other for awhile he changes his feeling for you.. I'd concider being serious again. sometimes when a guy has alone time to evaluate things, he realizes what he's missing or he may decide you moving out is the right decision. for now, you should listen to your gut feelings and follow them. staying in something and wasting time is not worth it. He told me last night, is some ways he is in love with me but he has reservations about some of my qualities. I don't understand this because no one is perfect, not even him, and I take the good with the bad. As long as the good outweighs the bad.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I think you are right to move out. Perhaps this was not a wise decision to live together (people make this mistake all the time so don't beat yourself up about it) but you'll learn from it. I have to agree. 11 months is quite a while to hear an I love you. Is he emotionally unavailable? perhaps. Maybe it just isn't right. Show him and yourself that you aren't up to waiting for someone. Go out there and get a relationship where the man feels the same way. I think moving out is the solution.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 He told me last night, is some ways he is in love with me but he has reservations about some of my qualities. I don't understand this because no one is perfect, not even him, and I take the good with the bad. As long as the good outweighs the bad. This is understandable - to love someone but not appreciate their less than desireable qualities. Perhaps he's having regrets about the move in? Bottom line - he doesn't love you the way you want to be loved. I wouldn't settle for someone loving me in "some ways". He doesn't have to like everything about you but he has to love all of you. Get what I'm saying. The getting to know you phase is different for everyone but by 11 months it should be pretty clear and lord knows why he would move in with someone if he wasnt sure he loved them.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 This is understandable - to love someone but not appreciate their less than desireable qualities. Perhaps he's having regrets about the move in? Bottom line - he doesn't love you the way you want to be loved. I wouldn't settle for someone loving me in "some ways". He doesn't have to like everything about you but he has to love all of you. Get what I'm saying. The getting to know you phase is different for everyone but by 11 months it should be pretty clear and lord knows why he would move in with someone if he wasnt sure he loved them. I was also trying to look at it in the other point of view- of people living together to see if it will work out in the longer term.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I would move out and get my own place. I think if a guy tells you straight out he's not sure after 11 months that he loves you and can't imagine a long term future together, he means it and I don't think another 11 months will not change how he feels. If after moving out and dating each other for awhile he changes his feeling for you.. I'd concider being serious again. sometimes when a guy has alone time to evaluate things, he realizes what he's missing or he may decide you moving out is the right decision. for now, you should listen to your gut feelings and follow them. staying in something and wasting time is not worth it. If I move out it will be over. I'm not going to date him.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 It's hard to say. At what point do you put your foot down and want him to say he loves you (not just part of you)? If you can handle never knowing when that day will come then maybe it will work. But if you guys start arguing about this quite a bit then it most certainly will not work out. What do you want? Can he give it to you? If he can't then it will not work out. You will be unhappy.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 It's hard to say. At what point do you put your foot down and want him to say he loves you (not just part of you)? If you can handle never knowing when that day will come then maybe it will work. But if you guys start arguing about this quite a bit then it most certainly will not work out. What do you want? Can he give it to you? If he can't then it will not work out. You will be unhappy. He said for him, it just takes a little longer. He doesn't want me to move out. I really felt that if he didn't feel it now, he never will. Am I right?
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I can appreciate your situation is a tough one and not something so clear cut. I think, based on the limited information we have, that the quick move-in and the fights will just give rise to more confusion within him and he will use that as a reason to hide behind his excuse of “taking a little longer.” I personally would not wait. I agree that people should be patient and take the good with the bad but I think you’re doing yourself a disservice.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I can appreciate your situation is a tough one and not something so clear cut. I think, based on the limited information we have, that the quick move-in and the fights will just give rise to more confusion within him and he will use that as a reason to hide behind his excuse of “taking a little longer.” I personally would not wait. I agree that people should be patient and take the good with the bad but I think you’re doing yourself a disservice. Why does he want me to stay if he it will never happen? He isn't desperate so its not loneliness.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Why does he want me to stay if he it will never happen? He isn't desperate so its not loneliness. have you made friends with a website called baggagereclaim yet? I think it outlines a lot of what you're having issues with. Take a day and really pick through that informative website. NML is a friend of mine and she has amazing insight. I don't know why he want's you to stay - because he's not sure and doesn't want to make the wrong decision so he can continue to string you along for his benefit. It might not be that malicious in his head but it's most likely what is going on. why do you think so many men and women get married and then divorce? a good amount of people live together and just assume marriage is the next step and don't think about it whole heartedly. There are a million reasons why he wants you to stay but you can't focus on that. Focus on what you want out of a relationship. What do you want? What are you yearning for. Be honest with yourself. Let go and say what you want to yourself!
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 have you made friends with a website called baggagereclaim yet? I think it outlines a lot of what you're having issues with. Take a day and really pick through that informative website. NML is a friend of mine and she has amazing insight. I don't know why he want's you to stay - because he's not sure and doesn't want to make the wrong decision so he can continue to string you along for his benefit. It might not be that malicious in his head but it's most likely what is going on. why do you think so many men and women get married and then divorce? a good amount of people live together and just assume marriage is the next step and don't think about it whole heartedly. There are a million reasons why he wants you to stay but you can't focus on that. Focus on what you want out of a relationship. What do you want? What are you yearning for. Be honest with yourself. Let go and say what you want to yourself! I want everything he has given me as a partner already except the for CERTAIN love part. He is a great guy and walking away isn't an easy decision to make. But how long am I supposed to wait is what I'm dealing with.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 To me, the CERTAIN love part, is the most important thing in a relationship. It's not the only thing but I can't be in an honest relationship that moves forward with out it. I wouldn't wait 11 months but I think waiting anything past 14 month is craziness if you really want to know. Get through this fight then. It's time to put everything on the table, how you feel and communicate with him. Is it an ultimatum? It's not really healthy to look at it that way but it's a boundary you need to set up.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 To me, the CERTAIN love part, is the most important thing in a relationship. It's not the only thing but I can't be in an honest relationship that moves forward with out it. I wouldn't wait 11 months but I think waiting anything past 14 month is craziness if you really want to know. Get through this fight then. It's time to put everything on the table, how you feel and communicate with him. Is it an ultimatum? It's not really healthy to look at it that way but it's a boundary you need to set up. I don't think you can really set up an ultimatum for love. It happens or it doesn't. My bf was hurt very badly in his last relationship. And even though he denies thats why he is closed off about his feelings, I think that has alot to do with it.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I don't think you can really set up an ultimatum for love. It happens or it doesn't. My bf was hurt very badly in his last relationship. And even though he denies thats why he is closed off about his feelings, I think that has alot to do with it. Yea - my use of ultimatum was a bad choice of word because I know that. I'm going to get kind of tough on this thought. Boyfriend hurt very badly? You've been together for 11 months - he's in a relationship with you. He needs to have healed and moved on and if he's bringing in serious emotional baggage then that's a red flag. You say he denies that's why he's closed off...how are you so sure he's denying it? Maybe that's not why he is closed off. Are you making excuses for him? I was hurt very badly in my last relationship and it took me a long time to heal and I was scared about being hurt again but I knew I owed it to my partner to be open and give them a fair shot.....if he's worth it he should be doing the same.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Yea - my use of ultimatum was a bad choice of word because I know that. I'm going to get kind of tough on this thought. Boyfriend hurt very badly? You've been together for 11 months - he's in a relationship with you. He needs to have healed and moved on and if he's bringing in serious emotional baggage then that's a red flag. You say he denies that's why he's closed off...how are you so sure he's denying it? Maybe that's not why he is closed off. Are you making excuses for him? I was hurt very badly in my last relationship and it took me a long time to heal and I was scared about being hurt again but I knew I owed it to my partner to be open and give them a fair shot.....if he's worth it he should be doing the same. I'm not positive thats the reason. Its just a thought. Like I said, he has been wonderful to me, but knowing what I now know, I feel insecure.
Author ZebraPants Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Yea - my use of ultimatum was a bad choice of word because I know that. I'm going to get kind of tough on this thought. Boyfriend hurt very badly? You've been together for 11 months - he's in a relationship with you. He needs to have healed and moved on and if he's bringing in serious emotional baggage then that's a red flag. You say he denies that's why he's closed off...how are you so sure he's denying it? Maybe that's not why he is closed off. Are you making excuses for him? I was hurt very badly in my last relationship and it took me a long time to heal and I was scared about being hurt again but I knew I owed it to my partner to be open and give them a fair shot.....if he's worth it he should be doing the same. He hasn't brought in baggage, I was really clinging for a reason for him to be closed off about how he feels. I want to work this out, but worry we are at the point of no return since I told him I wanted out can I go back on that? I don't know. I have plans to go out with some friends tonight and I don't know if thats a wise decision with the given circumstances. Give him space or talk about it tonight..
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I say give each other space and talk about it Sunday. Both parties need to cool off and collect their thoughts before a conversation can be had about breaking up/improving relationship or moving out.
OliveOyl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I agree 11 months is a long time at your age to not have said the words "I love you." Personally I would only move in with someone who I was sure loved me too, and was able to say those words, but I can understand that you thought he loved you so, well, stuff happens. Has he said it or known he's felt it for anyone else in the past? Did he say what qualities he has reservations about? Are they anything that could be changed in the future (not that you should bend yourself backwards trying to change to get him to love you). How is your relationship in general? Emotionally? Physically? My general belief is that after the initial rush, (say, after the first few months) the attraction in a relationship is generally as good as it's going to get unless one or both people change fairly significantly. Yes I think things can deepen over time, but if the attraction is lukewarm after one has gotten to know the other, it's not going to suddenly turn into wild passion. What can change is one decides to appreciate what they have much more.
milkmaterial Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 maybe you should move to japan..i heard its nice there. you know..lots of engineers there. :love:
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