Is he interested?

[cabbie]

Hey Lilyann,

 

Man, you are come and gone already? That trip seemed forever in the planning and flew past when it actually did take place... at least from my point of view! But it sounds like you were glad to return home... I do hope that you enjoyed yourself. And you made NO commentary on the men of Japan now what does that mean huh...

 

Meanwhile, what to say about your friend of the homeland. At least you are keeping your head up and to me, that's the main thing. I am not sure what further comment to give you, maybe this is adequate for the moment.

 

Over here... well, I don't really know what's going on with my friend as far as his situation... the last time we spoke about it, which was some time ago, he just sounded out of sorts, and i told him that i wasn't going to ask him more but let him talk to me when he's ready.. i mean i really don't want to cause him distress or pain- he approached me of his own accord in the past when there was something to say. The other day he noted 'if he ever has a child', as we were talking about something, and it made me wonder just what is going on, but I'm not making any assumptions. I know that we both have a lot of things we would like to say to one another and even things we might do (!!), but as it stands, we are respecting that there is this open ended thing out there, unresolved. This past weekend, i had some work that I do as a pastime on display at a festival, and he came down to see me, and the display- something i know he would never have done if it was strictly about going to see a display- so I really appreciated that. Of late, I've done more calling than him, part of me thinks I should just not call and let him take action, part of me thinks why worry about that, given that when we do speak, there is never reluctance on his part, and we just enjoy. That's the latest... nothing dramatic, but such is life.

 

Looking forward to hearing more from your side, and welcome back from the trip!!!

 

Cabbie

[cabbie]

Dear Complicated,

 

Oh my oh my. the struggle is ongoing over there... sounds challenging. I hear you trying to take your space- and I can appreciated what a difficult process that is. Sometimes we have to go through some pain or at least discomfort before we reach a better place, so I support you in your attempt, most definitely. One thing to consider is, sometimes we try to make a change in our life, and we are very focused on what we are taking out, or not doing, or staying away from , etc. But the other side of the coin is, if we are removing something from our life, or shifting away from something, what are we shifting towards or adding to our life? Reframing the situation in this respect can make it seem like less of a loss, and more of a chance to look towards a different focus, a new direction, something to look forward to. Very idealistic of me, I know, but I can say that if we only take away, and don't look at what we can add or where we can go, it is quite likely that we will feel the absence of what we've shifted from, even more acutely. So, girl, where are you going??? What do you want to do? What can you do for yourself? What are you interested in? Just a few starting questions. I am really glad to hear you say that you are open to new relationships- that sounds pretty exciting in fact.

 

I wish you a lot of strength during this difficult time. Be sure to take good care of yourself, and plan things for yourself to look forward to.

 

On a side note, I have never worked for my parents aside from doing household chores (!), and so I can only imagine the dynamics... it's like you have to take off the personal hat if possible, and be just an employee but is that possible. And various other things... like how other employees deal with you, etc.

 

Hang in there... tomorrow is Friday.... TGIF....

 

Cabbie

[Lilyann]

Hey Cabbie,

 

I hope that life is treating you ok. I do apologize for taking so long to return to this site. I have been very busy. I have started back to work. I have been very very busy. I know it is no excuse. How is life going for you lately? Feel me in. That is if you would like to, consider me you steam reliever.

 

Well I have seen my friend. I do believe that we are going to continue to replay the cycle that we did these past few months. I do not know how to beat this cycle. Thoughts????? Let me know where and if you need to be filled in.

 

Well Japan was awesome. It only seems like a glimmer in my memory though. I cannot believe that I actually went. No, I did not really see any cute guys. Ok, maybe I did see one or two, but that is about it.

 

I look forward to speaking with you again or shall I say reading your response. Have a great weekend.

 

Take Care,

 

Lilyann

[cabbie]

Hi Lilyann,

 

So why do you think you are going to go back through this cycle again...

 

Really, you mean he's going to make contact contact contact and then act differently, or not do anything in terms of making any kind of consistent connection, right?

 

What do YOU want to do... you can't do a thing about what your friend chooses to do, but I guess, what are your expectations at this point? I guess you can just watch and see what he does, meantime, you see what else happens in your life. You just didn't sound too optimistic with that prediction of repeated cycle of same stuff... this could get really frustrating for you, if you let it. So, make sure to surround yourself with things that make you happy and do what you enjoy, is what I would say. We know who in our life we can count on to be around, how much energy do the others deserve, interms of outward extension, and in terms of even contemplation. I can relate to this last thing, because I have definitely got less tolerance for unreliable unstable types, (in terms of their friendship with me). I may like them, but I know I can't count on them, so you have to know what you will get out.

 

Things over here are pretty much as usual. I am trying to be a friend. Well, I guess I am a friend. But MAN I have a few other emotions floating around...

 

Anyway, I am just trying to keep a balance of things in my life, in terms of what i think about and how i spend my time.

 

Have a super weekend, write when you can...

 

Cabbie

[sami]

Always be patient. Guys like very much girls who take time for a positive relationship to develope into something serious.

[Lilyann]

Cabbie,

 

I can just see the cycle slowly beginning to repeat. The problem before was that he does not have any real female friends and he is untrusting of them. I do believe that something happened in his childhood and something possibly with his mother (he is extremely close to her though). At one time he was going to tell me, but something happened and he pushed back away. Also, he did not want anyone at our place to work to basically know what was going on. Where I work there is probably 30 - 40 employees between three buildings - rather small. So point being we had a get together and every time our whole work was together he chose to sit by me. hmmmm........ interesting since he doesn't want anyone to know that "there might have been." Well this past Tuesday i kind of deviated from my work off and on to help him with some stuff that he needed help with and he in turn helped me with what i needed help with. We spent a lot of time together talking and working. I can see the interest and friendship, but what???? I don't ever think he will go for it. I don't really know why maybe the work thing? When we talk there is a bit of flirtation, but only when it is he and I. When I saw him a few weeks ago, he preceded to tell me that he had gotten himself into some trouble with a person. He just looks up at me after he said it as if to see my reaction to what he has just said. I replied, well maybe you should not have done that and smiled. He replied oh, it's not with the law or anything, but lets talk about work. I think that he was possibly trying to attempt to get a reaction from me or to make me jealous. Basically this is the highlights of our interactions.

 

I do not want to cycle through this again. I do want something to happen with this, but I do not think it will ever. I can only hope that a friendship might. I do not want to lose the friendship that we do have, we do have to develop our friendship a little bit more. We seem to get close (I think maybe to close for him at times) and then he pulls back. I do not understand it . I do appreciate and always have any advice that you

can throw out here.

 

Do you and your friend ever get together and talk anymore? How about the unexpected child??

 

Have a great weekend and week,

 

Lilyann

[cabbie]

Hey Lilyann...

 

Nice to hear from you. I can see what you mean about the cycle, from what you wrote. That is also kind of tough when someone tells you something, but doesn't really tell you something, in the sense that they are vague about it. I can appreciate how this could be frustrating for you. With his comment about 'let's talk about work', I don't know, it's up to you in terms of what you're comfortable with. Could you have asked him if he is willing to say a bit more? It sounds like he clearly likes your company, and you do sound like though things are not as you would wish at this point, that you still take points of enjoyment from your interactions with your friend, which is good. How much do you initiate sharing of stuff from your life with him? (like.... there's this cute guy at work whom I really think should ask me out???!? ) Hang in there, girl....

 

My friend and I.... he gave me a ride home a while ago and we hung out and talked for some time. We talk on the phone all the time. In fact, he told me the other day that he is really not a phone person, so if he zones out sometimes, it is just because he is not used to being on the phone so much- we generally talk for over an hour every time we speak and that has been almost daily of late. Said when he first started talking to one girl, in pursuit, first time they spoke on the phone it was about 2 hours and then just short after that. Well, I probably account for the majority of his phone time over his life span then... Anyway, I decided I was just going to not talk him to death, so I didn't call him for a couple of days. Day two, he calls me, was quite aware I was deliberately not calling, and as usual our short call was not so short...

 

I don't ask too much about his friend overseas and expected child. What I now understand and didn't before, is that this person is a girlfriend. I don't quite understand the change in explained status, but that is that. As he noted, things weren't bad when this person went away, making the decision about what to do even harder. I don't press for too much info. I would think that that child is just about due, and furthermore, that before you know it, that this person will be back from overseas (sept/oct?). He refers to the timing of it all, and how if only when he was free I had been available. And he asks me if I can be patient. Well, I'm trying...

 

Meanwhile, I have a neighbour with whom I had a brief relationship, some time ago... like about 2 years plus. He is with someone else, in a relationship, but he would still like some involvement with me. This is not acceptable to me, act like my friend, fine, but not this other business. Sometimes, it's just nice to have a friend to hang out with, to spend some time with, and you respect where they are at in their life. But, there are all these mysterious unexplained reasons why this can't be... (aka excuses?), yet he would be able to find time to come over if the agenda was to his liking... aka ..

So all this left me completely upset the other night. And then my friend called... he's like a glass of milk/juice and this other dude is a diet Coke.... I like diet Coke but it's really not very good for me, and well, milk/juice speaks for itself... a whole different ball game. Strange analogy but what the heck... got to entertain oneself if no one else...

 

Well, I hope that you are having a good weekend over there.

 

Write when you can...

 

Cabbie

 

 

Note to Sumi.... thank you for those words.... I am not sure if they were directed to Lilyann, Complicated, myself, or all of the above, but I appreciated the reminder. Very validating.

[Lilyann]

Cabbie,

 

I wonder if this is such a bad thought. I really find it appealing and rather funny. I have this visual image of hot gluing my friend to the wall. I do not mean this in a kinky way, but rather I want to be mean to you way. I vision that he is like a fly kicking his arms and legs. Is this such a bad thought? Afterall, I DO deserve some amusement out of this whole situation. OK, so both you and I know that I more in likely would never hot glue him to a wall- ouch! I can have the thought though can't I?

 

Here on the home front.... I do initiate telling him things about my life and in turn he does with me. It just depends on how personnel it gets as the time goes on. As I mentioned he has to feel closer to me again. We are slowly building our relationship back up. I wouldn't tell him that there is a guy that I work with that I would want to ask me out. HE would automatically know that it is him, because he is the only non-married male that I work with. He does seem to make a point to say things to me at times. Today, he commented on how "nice" I looked. I just gave him a funny look. He was like oh, no I mean you look nice everyday, but I just think that this is your color. You look very pretty today. OK- Thank You co-worker. What was I suppose to say? COuld it be that I am just reading this situation completely wrong? I hate to question myself.

 

Ok, so your friend has started dating his soon to be child's mother? Hmmmm......interesting. Does he still act all lovey toward you like he did before? Why does he ask if you can be patient? Is he implying something here? As for that niehbor that you dated a while back - how dare he! Why is it that guys think that they can ask a women to get a little something something on the side and it will be ok? I don't and will never understand this. In the 10 year-old behavior of my hot gluing delimma - you should have stepped on his toe and stuck out your tongue. I hope that you find that funny.

 

Well take care in your part of the world - where ever that might be,

 

Lilyann

 

So one last thought do you want Diet Coke or juice/milk?

 

I myself desire whiskey. It comes on slow, but strong. The aftermath stings for awhile. Wow! Maybe my analogy gave me something to think about.

[Complicated]

Hello again,

 

It has been awhile since I last wrote. I read what you wrote, Cabbie, and did some thinking. I don't know what I am really moving towards when I shift away from him. Right now it seems to be loneliness. I have been keeping it strictly co-worker/friend relationship but find that he consumes my every thought. Thoughts of what could be, I guess. I usually end those thoughts with, what is. How I wish I could read his mind. I would have to say that I think I am moving forward but however dragging thoughts of us together with me. Not as much as before but often enough. I just don't know.

 

In other news, I pursued a relationship again with an ex. That however lead to disaster. Some people never change. I lost a part of me because the relationship ended very ugly. He came to me saying all the right things and making promises. I, being very weak, grabbed onto it and got my heart crushed shortly after. I took this wall around my heart down for him and he took every advantage to hurt me as much as possible. The feeling of being used has consumed my heart. Lot of anger and frustration.

 

I find myself dwelling in my own self pity. Hating almost every human, I encounter. I go to work everyday then go home. Co-workers notice a change and I wish I had an explanation. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. It even hurts to smile anymore. The feeling of crawling in a dark hole and sleeping is a wish of mine.

 

I do want to thank you both for your advice and attention. I helps to know that I am not the only confused person in the world. I hope life takes you both to wonderful places.

 

Good Luck and Best Wishes,

Complicated

[cabbie]

Hi Lilyann,

 

Rising up from the dead, I know. How are you doing. Did you exercise the hot glue option... how entertaining. It is our imagination that can keep us going through some of these difficult times huh.

 

Over here, there is nothing vastly new to report. Well, I continue to chat with my friend, and he acts as a decent person in my life. I am making the assumption, for my own sake, that nothing is going to change in his life. This may very well not be the case, but I have no reason to think otherwise. What will be will be.

 

But meanwhile, to really encourage myself to take this step, I have found myself giving perhaps too much time and energy to a neighbour whom i used to date. He has told me that his old relationship broke up, but the truth is, that at this point in time, he has basically flunked every test of friendship/substance and I am trying to figure out what I really want to do, in terms of a cutting loose process. Maybe just quietly fade away.

 

And how about over there, for you? How is life going. Well, I hope.

 

I shall await your update and keep this short...

 

Warm wishes,

Cabbie

[cabbie]

Dear Complicated,

 

After a number of moons, I am now coming back to your post. You sounded very low, and I hope that by this time you are feeling at least a shade better.... how are you?

 

One thing that i noted in your post, was your comment that to move from married man, was to shift perhaps towards loneliness. I guess that's where the inadequate ex came in. Well, I can relate to that one. ONe thing a friend told me, that I will share with you, is that we have to be careful not to build our relationships on hopes of what will be, but rather on what is in front of us in the moment. Words are one thing, but we should build our trust based on certain actions displayed. Anything less, and you have to wonder why we settle for this, for ourselves. Personally, I can say that it is hard being alone. But to be with someone who doesn't listen, doesn't meet your needs, doesn't value you adequately... well, at this point, I know how it can wear you down and it really isn't good enough... I would rather be alone than have something actually taking from me.

 

There are a lot more options out there than married man and ex who isn't measuring up, for you. Maybe we have to be kinder to ourselves. I hope that you have people close to you who are supportive of you through these times... do you? What else can you get involved in after work? Anything that you like to do? Places that you like to go? Any friend to call up and just do something, anything? The trick is to go beyond contemplation and just do SOMETHING.

 

Anyway, let us know how you are. Take care...

 

Cabbie