EricaH329 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Him and I, over the last 3 years, have never been able to communicate properly. We would always point fingers, without actually getting to the root of the problem. We decided to stop all communication possible about a month ago, because of those same reasons. Tonight, however, was different. Him and I talked (reluctantly) to figure out what went wrong. About 30 minutes into our conversation (if you could call it that), I finally dug deep enough to where he understood where I was coming from. I felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I was finally able to get him to understand why I acted in the ways that I did. It was completely foreign to me. I've never known him to become silent. Needless to say, we have finally understood eachother. A little too late, though. After he realized where I was coming from, he cut the conversation short. I'm sure it's difficult for anyone to finally realize 3 years of being a jerk to someone. I feel like this was the closure we needed, more so because of the pain that comes with feeling that finality.
2sunny Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 good for you. there's no need to keep a relationship alive when it causes harm to self or others. if he was that - best to let him go and move forward. don't give him another thought.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 good for you. there's no need to keep a relationship alive when it causes harm to self or others. if he was that - best to let him go and move forward. don't give him another thought. Oh, absolutely. This has been a long time coming. I'm extremely grateful we were able to have this talk, and it allowed him to see the ways he was treating me. Then again, I don't think it matters much because he is just an @$$. Regardless, it feels great that i've finally been able to at least help him acknowledge the way he was treating me. Even if he doesn't care, at least he knows. It still hurts, though. I won't lie. It's been wwaaayyy too long of an emotional roller coaster, and I should have left all of this behind me a very long time ago. I know that it'll still be difficult for me, but at least I will be able to have the satisfaction of knowing he realizes he was a d*ck.
mickleb Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255038/ My head hurts now..
GrayClouds Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255038/ My head hurts now.. This may be the best reply EVER!
Author EricaH329 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255038/ My head hurts now.. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't an angel either. But I owned up to that, acknowledged it, apologized, and we both moved forward from it. But the things he did, and kept on doing, he wouldn't own up to. He only noticed my reactions, and felt as though they were not justified. I helped him see what he did, through the misdoings I did. Difficult to explain without specifics, but he finally was able to realize the sh*t he put me through (after he left for the military). I didn't get an apology, and that really wasn't what I was hoping for. I just wanted him to realize that yes, while I did some things wrong, he did also. And i'm pretty sure he understands now.
Fufu Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 It takes 2 to make a relationship work and also 2 to break a relationship. I'm glad to know your moving forward
cerridwen Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Brava, EricaH. I hope this ushers in some relief and healing for you.
Tayla Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Glad you had the talk to close that part of your life and begin understanding your part and own it. How did you find the experience of justifying your behavior and still constituting him as a jerk? Seems double standards ....
Author EricaH329 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 It takes 2 to make a relationship work and also 2 to break a relationship. I'm glad to know your moving forward Brava, EricaH. I hope this ushers in some relief and healing for you. Glad you had the talk to close that part of your life and begin understanding your part and own it. Thank you all very much! How did you find the experience of justifying your behavior and still constituting him as a jerk? Seems double standards .... My bad behavior towards him was in no way justified. I struggled with the realization of the fact that I did, at times, treat him in ways he didn't deserve. I actually had an entire thread (which mickleb posted the link to) where I was struggling to find a way to forgive myself for the things I had done. I did apologize to him, many times, even in this last conversation I acknowledged the wrong doings I have done and apologized for them again. However, what I wasn't looking for, from him, was an apology. I wanted acknowledgment. He refused to believe he did anything wrong. I just wanted him to realize that he did, also, treat me poorly and that I was very hurt because of it. My actions are not in any way justified, and neither are his. But at least i'm owning up to my mistakes and allowing him the peace of mind to figure out how to deal with my acknowledgement and apology. I'd like to think I deserve the same in return.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 The advice being given here has been nothing more than perfect. What I did notice, however, were the posters sigs and how much they related to my situation. I figured if I were to specifically address them, then perhaps I would be able to understand myself a bit better and have things put into perspective. Fufu --Leave it to fate, time will tell. Sit back, relax and enjoy our lives. Say we were believing in fate, does that mean that we can ignore our most inner desires, on the sole fact that it may come back? And even so, 'enjoying' ones life tends to imply they are content with their lives at that point. Why would we want to wait for that to come back when we have finally become happy again? carriedwen ------"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."---Douglas Adams I thoroughly enjoy this quote. Mostly because it insinuates that our lives are exactly where we want them to be at that very moment in time. Whether it is something that we realize now or later. While you don't except sh*t to happen, it does. And when it does, it leads you on a different road of your life. And that road (if that's where you currently are) is the only road you should be following. Kudos! Tayla -----At any given moment a person is showing preference,indifference, or a prejudice of. The question though becomes which one aren't you practicing? I'm assuming that quote to mean being judgmental. In my situation anyway! And it's almost thought-provoking to the point where I wondered which thin line I may have been crossing. I never judged my ex. Not up until he turned into a dick. And then, I felt like I had the right to, considering I was being the best girlfriend possible to him.
marqueemoon4 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 It takes 2 to make a relationship work and also 2 to break a relationship. you keep saying this but I disagree.. I agree it takes 2 to make it work, it only takes one to destroy it.
Fufu Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I will write leave it to fate because I believe they are certain things/issues we can't control them. It's telling people that when our exes refuse to be with us anymore, give up on us, leave this relationship, a break up we called, let go of them. Time will tell you that you don't need your ex to be in your life for you to be happy. Hmm, the truth is we never know if they are coming back or not. Most of the time, we tend to over-assume. My meaning of sit back, relax and enjoy our lives is for us, dumpees. Dumpees tend to feel depressed, sad, unhappy and to the extent of sacrificing their own self-esteem and happiness to get their exes back. So it is an encouraging to tell them to sit back, relax and enjoy their lives and not put themselves in the unpleasant and unhappy situations again. Don't live in the past, always move on and forward. Which is the same as when you are happy again, without your ex in your life, you are still happy
Fufu Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 you keep saying this but I disagree.. I agree it takes 2 to make it work, it only takes one to destroy it. You have your own perspective, it's fine. Personally, I write this for dumpees who blames everything on themselves for causing the relationship to end. There are dumpees who self-blamed themselves so much that they put themselves in the past and refused to move on and forward. In each and every relationship, no one is always right, and no one is always at fault. While, 2 parties had made mistakes that caused the relationship to end. Never over blamed yourself too much. Reflect on past mistakes, tell oneself not to make them anymore and move on. Self-blaming everything on oneself is destroying own's self-esteem and emotion well-being.
Tayla Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 FUfu, Thanks for your wisdom, I think Erica accepts her part and no more or no less of it. Which is the smart way to handle things. Erica, my pardons in one manner, you absolutely deserve to be treated in kind when you gave forgiveness and acknowledgment. Sorry that he didnt reciprocate. Been down that road, and it may not be today or tomorrow yet I know that at some point the light will go on for him that his behavior is creating these tremulous relations, too bad he didn't learn his lesson when he had the opportunity.
freestyle Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hey Amiga-- I'm glad to hear that you were able to put this to rest, and get the weight off your chest. It really does help to be acknowledged finally--especially by someone who had invalidated your point of view for a long time.Even if the relationship is already over---somehow it still helps. Many years ago, I broke up with a long-term guy, mainly because of excessive drinking on his part. Three years later, he showed up at my door, to apologize for everything he put me through. (I think that's Step #9 of AA--Making Amends..) He wasn't trying to win me back or anything, but he gave me a face to face apology.Although I hadn't been dwelling on the R with him, and I'd since moved on-----I have to say, it was very uplifting, and it felt great to have my previous pain acknowledged. It did have a healing effect....... So, I'm very glad to hear about this happening for you, and I hope this opens the door for you to become fully healed........ best wishes~~FS
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