Crazy Messed Up Situation, Need Guidance

[BrianG]

I posted my original story awhile back and I have been on LS ever since looking at other posts to get the advice, strength and guidance to go forward, but needed to get my story off my chest.

Brief History: I am 33, her 27, Dated for 5 months and had an unexpected pregnancy, and we had our beautiful son in August. Well a few days before my birthday in January she breaks up with me giving me the ILYBNILWY speech. She doesn't feel that spark/connection and she doesn't know why and is lost and needs to figure herself out. She feels that its better to end it now rather than later since she feels this way. Its not about someone else, blah, blah. I moved into the guest bedroom since we had 5 months left on our lease, and she had no job, no place to stay and no money and I didn't want to kick the mother of my child out with no place to go.

 

Well a week later I stupidly felt something was off and checked her ipad (i know invaded her privacy) to find this love letter/draft email to an ex-bf from years past saying she thinks about him all the time, madly attracted to, etc. So I confronted her about it and I was honest about looking at it and we talked about it and she said it was a mistake and never sent it. So we seemed to get past it over the next few months. During the course of the past few months, we hung out a few times, been intimate, etc.

 

In these past few months she would go out drinking with her friends (so she says) and would not come home because she was too drunk to drive. Meanwhile I am up all night looking worrying if she is coming home and meanwhile I am looking after our few month old son. I would call her wondering where she was, if she was coming home. I had work in the morning and I was calling because I was worried and she would flat out ignore me. This happened at least a handful of times with her not coming home and her ignoring me and wouldn't call/text back because she says that she was scared that I would be mad (ps. never yelled, don't have a bad temper, etc.) I have to work at 9 and sometimes she would just show up at 11 with some bs excuse. I confronted her every time saying how this is how a selfish,immature person acts, not a 27 yr old woman with a child. She would always say how sick to her stomach she was about it, etc. She said it wouldn't happen again, and it would happen a week later. She said that she wanted to be someone I could depend on and has been the past month.

 

So as we stand now. She has been feeding me breadcrumbs still saying that she needs to figure herself out and hopes we can work things out because I am the perfect boyfriend/father and she doesn't know whats wrong with her because she told me last month that she has a track record of this and has been seeing a therapist for the past month after I found one for her. So last night was the last night in the house together as a family, we put our son to bed and stupidly we cuddled in our bed and it was really special. We both woke up and she said that it gave her hope that their could be something there for us. So she moved out today and she left her ipad and i stupidly looked again to find out that when she went to vegas the week prior (family trip they go to every year to visit her grandparents in which I went last year) and saw an email to a guy two days ago detailing the "fling" they had (no sex, just hooking up and wanting to get to know him more as he lives in vegas. Here I was the longest week that I have been without her and my son in so much pain and hurt over the crushed hopes and dreams of having a family together. Hoping the week with just her and our son would show her how much I mean to her and our family. All the while she was hooking up with some other guy. She didn't know I knew because obviously I have trust issues with her from the past and she continued to lie about it until I told her that i saw it. I still feel bad that I should have left it on the positive note from last night.

 

We just spoke about it and she is right that we are broken up and I shouldn't have looked at her emails. Just thought she would have the common decency to at least wait until we were both out of the house, but yet again I wouldn't have ever known if I didn't peak into her emails. I don't trust her and I have to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week as we share joint custody. I have to see this woman for the rest of my life AHHHHHH!!!. I don't even know how to act around her. REALLY needed to get this off my chest, but any encouragement, guidance, support would be greatly appreciated to get me through this difficult time. Thanks

[sandman223]

I feel for you Brian. Not that I can really relate on the greater level of sharing a child. My ex and I are both mid-20s and had a great 3 year relationship. I got the same ILYBNILWY speech telling me how I was the best boyfriend possible, but we were just incompatible, and there was nothing I could do about it. She was not really sure of why she had those feelings, but she just cut me out of her life once she said that and we haven't see each other in person since (nor has she contacted me).

 

It is a difficult position you are in when you are forced to confront the person every day because you have a child with her. I would say that you have to look at everything she has done to you and realize that she isn't the one for you. You have so much more to offer someone who is willing to accept you, and not take advantage of you. Good luck!

[BrianG]

could really use some input on my situation. Mother Day is this Sunday and I don't know what to do. Do I not even acknowledge it? Or not get her a card from my son?

[GrayClouds]

Class and dignity always wins out. For the son's sake I would get a card and say something like "When I look into (son's name) I see how beautiful the world can be". She will likely be in your sons life for the rest of his life and part of your job is to show him how a quality person acts and how a real man puts the love of his child first, even before his own pain.

 

And while your out your out picking up the card you may want to grab the book "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson. It has a bit of religious bent and if you can get past it (if your not into that stuff) there is some quality information in it that may be helpful to you.

 

Sorry about your pain and loss, focus on your son and his well being and not on you Ex and her behavior. Let love for him guide you not anger toward her, even though it completely legitimate feels. Good luck.

[betterdeal]

We just spoke about it and she is right that we are broken up and I shouldn't have looked at her emails.

 

Bollocks. You did what you did and she did what she did. Get rid of the word "should" from your vocabulary. Turn should have into didn't. Then turn didn't into shall - make it a lesson learnt and a forward looking thing.

 

Just thought she would have the common decency to at least wait until we were both out of the house, but yet again I wouldn't have ever known if I didn't peak into her emails. I don't trust her and I have to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week as we share joint custody. I have to see this woman for the rest of my life AHHHHHH!!!. I don't even know how to act around her. REALLY needed to get this off my chest, but any encouragement, guidance, support would be greatly appreciated to get me through this difficult time. Thanks

 

Your gut feelings proved right. You read her emails and found out she was being unfaithful. Congratulate your gut feelings for being accurate and bringing your up to scratch with reality.

 

As for how to think of or behave around her, well, she's not very reliable when it comes to you at the moment, so don't invest in that relationship for now. Mourn your loss, the pain suffered, have a cry, let it out, and let go.

 

Then there's your relationship as co-parents of your son. That is entirely different from your relationship with each other. Buy him that card, let him know that you and mummy are having difficulties right now, but that you both love him very much and he is very welcome to show how much he loves his mum on Mother's day.

 

Let her know that you want for both of you to co-parent your son and for this to have minimal impact on him. Let her also know you have hard feelings about your relationship with her and you need time to process them.

 

IF (big if) you guys ever reach a stage of considering reconciliation with each other, consider having a trusted third party involved. That can be a counsellor, a priest, a mutual acquaintance you both consider to be wise, discrete, disinterested and non-judgmental.

 

The presence of a third party in any discussion serves one major purpose: it encourages us to speak about things in ways that the third party will understand. The knock-on effect is that our partner gets to hear what we are thinking in that way too. This makes it easier to communicate with each other.

 

But that's all a long way off. For now, find a buddy and confide in him or her how you feel about the recent difficulties, and reduce the impact of this on your son as much as you can. You'll feel good for dealing with this as well as can be.

[Wisteria]

Hi Brian. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I posted today with a vaguely similar situation -- being tempted to check the e-mails of an ex. One reason i've been able to resist temptation lately is because I think my ex is playing a game with me, and it sounds like your ex is doing the same. I don't have an ipad, but certainly she could lock it so that you couldn't read anything! That leads me to believe she wants you to read what she can't say to you herself.

 

Your ex and my ex sound like users. They want us around for some reason. In your case, the reason is a good one: Your son. From now on, everything you do, do it for him. Not her. And if she just happens to "accidentally" leave that ipad anywhere near you, call one of her friends or family, and politely ask them to come get it because you know she needs it.

[Leda]

I think it's time to make a clean break from this woman, romantically. Go No Contact on THAT relationship....and start a fresh, new relationship with her as the mother of your son, your partner in parenting, and in that way a member of your family. Because this woman is manipulative and troubled, romantically you could get trapped in a push me-pull you relationship for years.

 

Setting strong boundaries will help you both put your son first and create a stable base for him. It will be easier when you live separately...but I think you also need to, internally, put your head and heart into looking for the woman who is going to be a real partner to you. ILYBINILWY means either "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" (in very rare cases), or "I'm really messed up with borderline personality disorder and freaked out by the basics of adult life, and I'll always be high-maintence, high-drama, and unhappy, and I'll only want you when faced with the threat of you leaving, so I'll keep sucking you back in whenever you take baby steps towards moving on into a happy life." Either way, you need a life-partner who is IN love with you and can be faithful, steady, sober when necessary (like when caring for a tiny baby.)

 

You post makes me think of my friend, who has a wonderful teenage daughter. It was an accidental pregnancy, and his relationship with his girl's mother was very much like yours. His new wife is the big love of his life, they've had a happy relationship for twelve years. He and the girl's mother are cordial. Everyone is very happy.

 

I feel fatalistic about this one. You were meant to have a THIS beautiful son with this woman, and now you're meant to meet your true love (not this woman.)

 

I say get the Mother's Day card. And start taking the attitude, "I love you but I don't think we're meant to be a romantic couple."

 

Class and dignity always wins out. For the son's sake I would get a card and say something like "When I look into (son's name) I see how beautiful the world can be".

 

Yes! I totally agree with GrayClouds.

[Axee]

Hi,

 

Only 2 sentences and I think everyone is in consensus on this :

 

1. NC with her ASAP, let go , its not worth it.

 

2. treat her only as a mother to ur son

 

Its difficult, but possible, All the best ..

[BrianG]

Thank you so much for the advice and guidance. Well, she moved out Thursday and I moved out yesterday so that hell of 5 months is finally over. I went from the happiest I have ever been and completely in love. Hoping I was going to spend to my life with her and raise our beautiful child in this world. To the most gut wrenching deep sorrow and sadness in my heart. Still trying to figure out how I am going to handle seeing her at least a few times a week. My love for my son will be my source of strength, because even though I deeply love her, she simply doesn't love me. I think the most tragic thing in this world is love unrequited. I've never felt so much pain.

[betterdeal]

I feel for you, man. You'll learn to let go of that love. It'll be hard, but you need to grieve the loss of your relationship with her. It's over.

 

Now a new chapter is beginning in your life.

[Axee]

I know your pain, acceptance is important..

It will take time, give youself time... I am also in same boat went from being happiest to saddest.. its been 2 months , on a scale of 0-100 , i am now on 99% pain.. still it shows 1% is gone ..

 

Cheer up, you are not alone ..

[BrianG]

So last night was the first night with my son in my new place. I can't even say the word "home" because home is where your heart is, and my heart is far from here and this place. I know its going to take some time getting used too. I dropped him off this morning and it felt so weird and I hated it. The LC aspect of just talking about our son is so hard because I just want to talk about so much more, but like your guys advice, I just have to do it for myself because she doesn't love me. I think I am still just stuck on accepting that its really over between us. I still want her back, but I know I deserve better and just so sad that she couldn't be that person. Maybe one day she will realize that it was her loss and by then I will have moved on hopefully.

 

I looked at all the guides on getting over an ex/getting them back and they all say to "LET GO". How do you LET GO?

 

I dropped him off this morning and I basically said he ate at such and such time, dropped off the diaper bag and said I will see on Wednesday. I'm going to really miss having all three of us in the same room together and enjoying time together as a family and now it has been reduced to just passing off our child and becoming strangers and parents.

 

Having difficulty accepting that its over and that I have no control over the situation or her feelings towards me and she is not the right person for me even though I deeply love her.

[Entropy3000]

Just my opinion and YMMV, but if you are in a long term relationship and especially if there is a child involved, there should be a reasonable amount of transparency. No secrets from each other. So this whole invading of one's privacy is out of whack to me. Which is worse, "snooping" into emails when there is reason to check or cheating? One is about keeping the relationship while the other is about trashing it. No moral equivalnce. In fact the SO has every right to endeavor to protect the relationship while it is still salvageble. That kind of privacy is single behavior. <end of rant/>

[BrianG]

Almost our full first week living in separate houses and yesterday I go to her place to pick our son. She opens the door and guess what I see. My son in her exbfs lap. A boyfriend from 6 years ago that has been madly in love with her ever since and wrote her a love letter a month or so back. A guy she says is annoying and they are strictly just friends. She said that she needed help at her new place and she has plenty of guy friends that could have helped her, but she calls the one that is madly in love with her to help her and she says that it shouldn't bother me. Just like a few weeks back when she hooked up with another guy and according to her didn't mean anything and telling him she cannot wait to get out of this toxic situation. (Hello!! a toxic situation she put me in by breaking up with me and with no place to live after the fact.)

 

This girl is such a dishonest, heartless, selfish person, and I feel like an idiot for getting myself involved with her, let alone having a kid together. I guess her true colors are really starting to show. I hate this women, yet I am still sad that this is happening. Not even one week after moving out. She says that she needs to be on her own to figure herself out. What a bunch of crap!!! Just a bunch of empty words, broken promises and selfish, immature behavior. I know I deserve better, but I am still grieving the loss of the relationship I cherished so much at one point.

[betterdeal]

Dude, you're well out of that situation. Go and get a haircut and a wet shave. Get some new clothes, aftershave and a massage. Go join a gym and start doing stretching and exercise. Get into pilates or yoga classes. Phone a friend and go for a beer. Take a long walk with your head held high, and be relieved and proud that you have survived this and will be stronger, better, happier.

 

She wants to f*ck her pain away. Well, f*ck that sh*t. Time to get clean, to be glad of your new freedom and find your inner strength, your inner peace. You don't have to put up with the crap you did put up with now. Go and find yourself a one night stand if that's your thing.

 

You're free.