vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Ever date a guy for a substantial length of time and get so caught up in it that you don't even recognize yourself anymore? Recap of the ex: He was an emotionally unavailable guy in his twenties with commitment issues. Red flags were there and I decided to ignore them. My boundaries went out the window. 1.5 years of dating and he called me his girlfriend...to some. Usually hid me from friends or lied about being somewhere else, when they asked, when he was with me. I actually tried not to remind him he was in a serious relationship with me by downplaying my expectations of him. I know - shame on me. Fast Forward and now we're 10 months post break up and I haven't seen or talked to him in the last 5. I have learned loads and have new boundaries up in place that I never would have had if had not learned the hard way from dating that guy. So overall I'm thankful. Enter new boyfriend of 4 months - same age as me at 29yrs. Wonderful, sweet, caring and loving. Things are new but they are going well. He mentions me to his family frequently and they ask about me. His brother recently told me that he talks about me quite a bit and told him he felt so lucky to have me in his life. The other day I actually pulled him aside and told him he should stop talking about me so much to his family as they might think I'm some girlfriend that's trying to take over his life. He seemed confused and called me out right away saying "This isn't the first time I've heard you talk like this, were you in a relationship before that made you really insecure about being open about your relationship. I'm proud of you and what we have and I like having you as a significant part of my life." Woah. Reality check. This guy is giving me EXACTLY what I wanted from the last guy and exactly what I want now and here I am telling him to stop it. Was it a bad habit? Was it my way of pandering to his non existent commitment issue? Who knows but I'm not doing it again. Ladies? Gents? Ever done this?
Professor X Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Well, its natural, it your insecurities floating to the surface. Like you said, he called you out immediately, just talk to him and be honest, it should help.
milkmaterial Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 exactly one of the reasons why we shouldnt stay in abusive relationships in the first place, you tend to get used to it and expect the bad stuff to be normal. like my guy friend said..its like a puppy who had a bad owner would react defensively to a new nice owner after being conditioned in a certain way..
Shadesofgray Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I find myself doing somewhat of the same thing. I was in a bad relationship where I ignored the red flags (stupid me) for 4 years. Now I tend to drag old fears into my new relationship. It's such a hard habit to break. Sounds like a good guy to pick up on the real issue though.
love4me2c Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I'm reading a book right now called women who love too much. This behavior you are exhibiting, according to the book, is that you are now getting what you want, but that isn't as exciting as the more tumultuous relationship where you are struggling and fighting for what you want in the past. Even in those bad relationships, when you finally start getting what you want, it often doesn't work out. That drama and excitement goes away and can often be considered "boring." Stick with this guy.. he sounds like an honest and open guy who wants to be in a healthy relationship. Don't let yourself second guess... Perhaps you might want to pick up that book, too? Reading the book actually helped me end a bad relationship I was in. But there is a lot of good information about what "healthy" relationships are all about in the book. I am now striving for that, but it looks like you may have found someone that fits that bill.
khria Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 i echo some of the comments made above: it's really easy to get used to being treated a certain way even after getting out of that bad situation. I have trouble with this, too. I expect my new relationship to 'end' in the exact same way as the last one. It adds a lot to the worry. Point is: You definitely deserve to be with a guy who is proud to be with you, who won't hedge or lie about spending time with you, and who is clear to others about your role in his life (and he deserves the same from you). I feel like it's really easy for people to accept or tolerate these other set-ups (where someone is lying, or hiding the fact that they're dating... it's just not conducive to feeling good in the long run). The new boy sounds great, and sweet, and happy to be with you. Hang on to him.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 My ex made a lot of promises he never kept and also was commitmentphobic. We were in a long distance relationship for FIVE YEARS and even my suggestions OF ME moving over there to be with him, he'd find ways to argue with or destroy. I'd tell him we didn't have to get married or anything, just be together in person. He couldn't even handle the commitment of even figuring out how to be in the same place together. We visited but that was it. Also, he used to say he was going to do certain things to me and months to years later, it still wasn't done. I'd bring it up because he'd PROMISE to do them a long time later and he'd call me a nag. He also used to neglect me a lot and value his friends over me. He'd call me desperate and pathetic, literally, almost every day and took me completely for granted. And towards the end, he DEMANDED that we have an open relationship where we both had sex with other people. When I said no, he threw massive tantrums about it. So I freak out about ALL these things in my current relationship, lol. I don't pretty much ever randomly text him and I try to limit my random affectionate moments so as not to drive him away or seem desperate. I freak out occasionally, wondering if he secretly wants to date as many women as possible, but mostly on the inside. When we talk about it, he insists that he's monogamous and can't stand even having sex with someone he doesn't love. Yesterday, we went to a wedding and he whispered to me that weddings make him emotional and that he hopes that will be us someday. LOL. While I was thinking cynically the whole time that no man would EVER want to marry me. And also, he promised to give me a flash drive. I got one from my Dad instead because I thought he was full of **** and didn't bring it up again, but a few hours later, he showed up with one in his hand and happily handed it to me without me reminding him of it or making me wait or weeks/months/years. I was shocked. And thus far, he never neglects me for his friends. He's amazing!
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