Asking her out on Facebook?

[fortyninethousand322]

And may I ask why are you expecting such a negative outcome from all of this. I agree with you but I think your reason and my reason may be different.

 

In any event, there is something to be gained from this. I am an advocate of not showing your hand so soon in such a situation...not in all situations just in certain ones...particularly in ones in which you already somewhat or simply know the person. There is a certain a situation like that must be approached as opposed to someone you simply meet at a party.

 

I am happy enough that you gathered the guts to make a move at all on this one so this is fair enough.

 

If he's anything like me (which from the gist of most of his posts he is) then you just come to expect negative outcomes from any interaction with a woman you're interested in. It's like being the Baltimore Orioles or Pittsburgh Pirates and expecting to win the World Series, confidence is one thing, but come on now, seriously?

[Eclypse]

Would you please;at least, follow this, OP? I know you can.

 

I think you are confusing somedude and one goal.

[somedude81]

Just don't under any circumstances send another email is she doesn't reply...

She got your message.. both in her personal email and on FB.

 

If she doesn't email you that is your reply.

Yeah, I wouldn't try to contact her again. If she does respond with a negative response I'll just wish her well or something and that will be it.

And may I ask why are you expecting such a negative outcome from all of this. I agree with you but I think your reason and my reason may be different.

Heh, I just don't expect her to say yes. I don't believe in miracles.

In any event, there is something to be gained from this. I am an advocate of not showing your hand so soon in such a situation...not in all situations just in certain ones...particularly in ones in which you already somewhat or simply know the person. There is a certain a situation like that must be approached as opposed to someone you simply meet at a party.

 

I am happy enough that you gathered the guts to make a move at all on this one so this is fair enough.

I'm not so sure about the hiding my cards thing. Odds are she wouldn't have any idea I'm interested.

 

No matter what happens, it's just an experiment

[Star Gazer]

I'm not so sure about the hiding my cards thing.

 

I'm not either.

 

Obviously, if someone asks you out, they're interested. That interest is their "cards." Not sure how anyone is supposed to date without showing those cards!

[Eeyore79]

If I were her, the message that would send me would be, "He's had every opportunity to do this in person, and waited until after I no longer see him to send me a message on FB? Coward!"

 

A similar thing happened to me once. I saw this guy in a social group at least 1-2 times per week for a few months and he barely said anything to me in person... then he emailed me on Facebook to ask me out! I was like WTF?! He's been around me regularly for weeks and has hardly bothered with me at all, then he asks me out via Facebook without even making any effort to talk to me in person and build some kind of rapport! I said no, of course - I felt like I barely knew him. He seemed like a nice guy - if he had made an effort to chat to me in person, get to know each other a little and ask me out properly, I would probably have said yes.

[somedude81]

Thanks for the perspective Eeyore, it sounds very similar to my situation.

 

Except the club I see her in, only meets once a week for about two hours. I tried to talk to her whenever I can but she has a lot of friends there and I know better than to try and get between a girl and her girlfriends. She also has a type of leadership roll which makes it even harder.

 

Yeah, I would have loved to talk to her and build up some rapport.

 

I'm still waiting for her response, but I know she is going to say no. And I won't be upset, because I know the groundwork hadn't been set.

[Cracker Jack]

Really hoping she says yes.

 

But at least you're prepared to hear her say no. Anyways, hope there's a different outcome this time.

[Dust]

Except the club I see her in, only meets once a week for about two hours.

 

Do you believe the stuff you write on here? Is only seeing this girl once a week for 2 hours supposed to be to short a time to get to know some one? I’ve made friends and got to know people at clubs that met once or twice a month. Don’t make excuses!

 

I tried to talk to her whenever I can but she has a lot of friends there and I know better than to try and get between a girl and her girlfriends. She also has a type of leadership roll which makes it even harder.

 

Having lots of friends is a good thing. You wouldn’t have been coming between her and her friends. The leadership role would have actually given you a good excuse to talk with her. You’re just making up more excuses!

 

Yeah' date=' I would have loved to talk to her and build up some rapport.[/quote']

 

Well you really had every opportunity. It’s really easy to say, “oh she has friends so I better not bother her” to yourself. That gets you no where though. You should have just talked with her any way. I mean a lot of the most attractive women don’t just sit around waiting to be talked to. You have to make it happen by trying.

 

I'm still waiting for her response' date=' but I know she is going to say no. And I won't be upset, because I know the groundwork hadn't been set.[/quote']

 

You don’t really have to set groundwork. Just randomly and awkwardly asking her out in person that last day would have had a much better chance at working. Getting a random Facebook msg from a guy asking you out has very little chance at working. It’s also kind of lame.

 

Since you claim you will no longer see her in person it is better then nothing. So, it’s good that you tried. It’s just you should have tried harder.

 

Start engaging women in real life. Don’t be afraid of awkward situations.

[BiscuitXOXO]

Start engaging women in real life. Don’t be afraid of awkward situations.

This. And it's even more awkward when you see some guy standing near you, eyeing you, wanting to talk to you, but he doesn't have the balls to approach and say something, and you just feel this little ball of pity forming in your stomach.

 

So talk. Please!

[fortyninethousand322]

This. And it's even more awkward when you see some guy standing near you, eyeing you, wanting to talk to you, but he doesn't have the balls to approach and say something, and you just feel this little ball of pity forming in your stomach.

 

So talk. Please!

 

Yup that pretty much describes me. Why don't I go up and talk? Well, I keep thinking to myself "she's not interested", "it's a waste of time", "don't fool yourself", "you'll just annoy her", "you're boring", etc. I think it's just the natural conclusion for some people.

[Sabali]

I'm not so sure about the hiding my cards thing. Odds are she wouldn't have any idea I'm interested.

 

You pretty much said it. This is exactly what I am talking about. If you simply ask her for her number so that you can call her, she does not know exactly why you want to call her. She can speculate on many things but she will give you her number, at the very least, out of simple curiosity. Don't underestimate how effective curiosity can be in this situation.

 

You then call her and it's really up to how influential you can be once you call her. In any event, this way, you have somewhat of a recovery for the lame Facebook approach. You ask her out on Facebook, it is lame but if you ask for her number and at least call and talk to her before asking her out, it is a much better alternative.

 

On the other hand, you ask her to go out to lunch with you on Facebook, she will think that it is a lame way to be asked out. She will know that you are interested if you ask her out for lunch. You ask a woman of interest out for a meal such as lunch, dinner or breakfast it is a date. You are showing your hand immediately through Facebook which isn't a good idea in this case. She will think that you could have asked her out in person but you did not have the guts to do it in person. If she did have any level of attraction for you this approach certainly will not help to boost it. It will make you appear much less confident and more awkward socially.

 

 

I hope that is much more clear now. Like I say, I provide my 2 cents, you can spend it how you like.

[Sabali]

You don’t really have to set groundwork. Just randomly and awkwardly asking her out in person that last day would have had a much better chance at working. Getting a random Facebook msg from a guy asking you out has very little chance at working. It’s also kind of lame.

 

Dust, buddy, we don't even need to tip toe around on this one. It is lame.

That is ok, no one is above lame behavior every now and then but we simply have to learn from them.

 

I guess asking someone out on Facebook is all the rage for younger guys these days.

[Dust]

You pretty much said it. This is exactly what I am talking about. If you simply ask her for her number so that you can call her, she does not know exactly why you want to call her. She can speculate on many things but she will give you her number, at the very least, out of simple curiosity. Don't underestimate how effective curiosity can be in this situation.

 

You then call her and it's really up to how influential you can be once you call her. In any event, this way, you have somewhat of a recovery for the lame Facebook approach. You ask her out on Facebook, it is lame but if you ask for her number and at least call and talk to her before asking her out, it is a much better alternative.

 

On the other hand, you ask her to go out to lunch with you on Facebook, she will think that it is a lame way to be asked out. She will know that you are interested if you ask her out for lunch. You ask a woman of interest out for a meal such as lunch, dinner or breakfast it is a date. You are showing your hand immediately through Facebook which isn't a good idea in this case. She will think that you could have asked her out in person but you did not have the guts to do it in person. If she did have any level of attraction for you this approach certainly will not help to boost it. It will make you appear much less confident and more awkward socially.

 

 

I hope that is much more clear now. Like I say, I provide my 2 cents, you can spend it how you like.

 

This actually makes a lot of sense. A random date request on facebook is lame, but a telephonic conversation would have been less lame.

 

I still want to emphasize that you made up excuses that were completely invalid because you were afraid to talk to her in person. (the coolest thing to do)

[Dust]

Dust, buddy, we don't even need to tip toe around on this one. It is lame.

That is ok, no one is above lame behavior every now and then but we simply have to learn from them.

 

I guess asking someone out on Facebook is all the rage for younger guys these days.

 

I'm a few years younger then Sumdude81 and it pains me to see him act this way.

 

You are right though no one is above lame behavior. There is no time machine, so it's good he gave it a shot. Going forward he needs to approach girls in real life.

[fortyninethousand322]

This actually makes a lot of sense. A random date request on facebook is lame, but a telephonic conversation would have been less lame.

 

I still want to emphasize that you made up excuses that were completely invalid because you were afraid to talk to her in person. (the coolest thing to do)

 

I hate to state the obvious but guys who aren't good with women tend to do this a lot. Obviously it's not helpful, but most of the time when one does this it's not a conscious decision, and thus a hard habit to break.

[Sabali]

I'm a few years younger then Sumdude81 and it pains me to see him act this way.

 

You are right though no one is above lame behavior. There is no time machine, so it's good he gave it a shot. Going forward he needs to approach girls in real life.

 

Indeed. The worst alternative is to make no move at all.

 

I hate to state the obvious but guys who aren't good with women tend to do this a lot. Obviously it's not helpful, but most of the time when one does this it's not a conscious decision, and thus a hard habit to break.

 

Yes, it is always "she was talking on her cellphone so I couldn't do it... there was so many things going on at the party that I couldn't do it... she was always talking to someone so I couldn't do it..."

[runner]

i think it may help if these guys would just supress their attraction for the girl for a moment, and just talk to her like any normal human being. frankly, if you don't have anything between you two, then you are simply nothing to her. nothing. make yourself something to her first and then ask her out (unless of course she had given you clear signs of interest and even approached you first). but for everyone else, get her comfortable with you first, prove to her that you're not a creep and that you're actually an interesting dude- and the date will pretty much make itself.

[Cracker Jack]

Yes, it is always "she was talking on her cellphone so I couldn't do it... there was so many things going on at the party that I couldn't do it... she was always talking to someone so I couldn't do it..."

 

Not gonna lie, as much as it hurts to admit this, when they're playing with their phone, talking on it, or have headphones on, I usually use this as a reason to not bother approaching them--tho, it's usually 80% fear and 20% not wanting to be rude. Some people I know say it's rude to even approach a woman who's doing all of the above, but others say it's just a poor excuse. I myself have to agree with the latter of the two.

 

I've really been trying to take steps to improve in that area, but it's quite difficult to say the least. Some of us just count ourselves out too fast and that's never good for the psyche. I seem to be able to maintain a lot of good eye contact with women and even make them smile or keep their attention directed towards me sometime, but for whatever reason, I just never approach them and let them get away without trying. The feeling of regret sucks. A lot.

Edited May 6, 2011 by Cracker Jack

[Dust]

Not gonna lie, as much as it hurts to admit this, when they're playing with their phone, talking on it, or have headphones on, I usually use this as a reason to not bother approaching them--tho, it's usually 80% fear and 20% not wanting to be rude. Some people I know say it's rude to even approach a woman who's doing all of the above, but others say it's just a poor excuse. I myself have to agree with the latter of the two.

 

I've really been trying to take steps to improve in that area, but it's quite difficult to say the least. Some of us just count ourselves out too fast and that's never good for the psyche. I seem to be able to maintain a lot of good eye contact with women and even make them smile or keep their attention directed towards me sometime, but for whatever reason, I just never approach them and let them get away without trying. The feeling of regret sucks. A lot.

 

 

I used to make up really lame excuses myself like “there’s people around, too awkward” or “We’re all alone I’ll creep her out.” Yeah I had it covered from every angle. Back in the day I probably wouldn’t have wanted to bother a girl that was sitting on a park bench with a board look on her face out of fear of breaking her train of thought.

 

The point is stop looking for that perfect moment because in my case I was even afraid to talk when they approached me. Recognize you’re afraid and work at motivating yourself to be the person you really are. Not the person who talks himself out of everything he wants especially women.

[Graviton]

Not gonna lie, as much as it hurts to admit this, when they're playing with their phone, talking on it, or have headphones on, I usually use this as a reason to not bother approaching them--tho, it's usually 80% fear and 20% not wanting to be rude. Some people I know say it's rude to even approach a woman who's doing all of the above, but others say it's just a poor excuse. I myself have to agree with the latter of the two.

 

I've really been trying to take steps to improve in that area, but it's quite difficult to say the least. Some of us just count ourselves out too fast and that's never good for the psyche. I seem to be able to maintain a lot of good eye contact with women and even make them smile or keep their attention directed towards me sometime, but for whatever reason, I just never approach them and let them get away without trying. The feeling of regret sucks. A lot.

 

The phone and mp3 player taking the attention of girls annoys me too. It does complicate approaching a girl. For every ipod and iphone sold to a girl they should give away free electro-magnetic pulse devices to guys. Pew pew!

[Cracker Jack]

I used to make up really lame excuses myself like “there’s people around, too awkward” or “We’re all alone I’ll creep her out.” Yeah I had it covered from every angle. Back in the day I probably wouldn’t have wanted to bother a girl that was sitting on a park bench with a board look on her face out of fear of breaking her train of thought.

 

The point is stop looking for that perfect moment because in my case I was even afraid to talk when they approached me. Recognize you’re afraid and work at motivating yourself to be the person you really are. Not the person who talks himself out of everything he wants especially women.

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I agree with you completely. Cute girl sat next to me the other day and she was reading a book. I wanted to start a simple convo with her so badly. All I had to do was ask her what book was she reading, but I couldn't even summon enough courage to do something like that because I assumed I would've disrupted her reading.

 

I do recognize that I have a serious fear in this area, which I've accepted, but I do think way TOO much when I'm out and about. If I just did things purely out of fun instead of playing out this "unfounded outcome" in my mind before anything takes place, I'd be much better off. The bad part is when I'm usually prepared to say something, and end up getting near the woman, my stomach hurts really bad and I began to shiver--even on 80+ degree days. I hate it.

 

I'm about to graduate college and talked to a grand total of 0 women. It's really upsetting, but all I can do is let it go and focus on the present, as of now.

[Dust]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I agree with you completely. Cute girl sat next to me the other day and she was reading a book. I wanted to start a simple convo with her so badly. All I had to do was ask her what book was she reading, but I couldn't even summon enough courage to do something like that because I assumed I would've disrupted her reading.

 

I do recognize that I have a serious fear in this area, which I've accepted, but I do think way TOO much when I'm out and about. If I just did things purely out of fun instead of playing out this "unfounded outcome" in my mind before anything takes place, I'd be much better off. The bad part is when I'm usually prepared to say something, and end up getting near the woman, my stomach hurts really bad and I began to shiver--even on 80+ degree days. I hate it.

 

I'm about to graduate college and talked to a grand total of 0 women. It's really upsetting, but all I can do is let it go and focus on the present, as of now.

 

Life after college was a lot easier then me. I really can relate to having trouble with women because that’s just how I was in High School and undergrad.

 

It really would have been that simple. “Hi, what book is that” and you would have flirting.

 

What state do you go to school in? (just nosey)

[Sabali]

Not gonna lie, as much as it hurts to admit this, when they're playing with their phone, talking on it, or have headphones on, I usually use this as a reason to not bother approaching them--tho, it's usually 80% fear and 20% not wanting to be rude. Some people I know say it's rude to even approach a woman who's doing all of the above, but others say it's just a poor excuse. I myself have to agree with the latter of the two.

 

I've really been trying to take steps to improve in that area, but it's quite difficult to say the least. Some of us just count ourselves out too fast and that's never good for the psyche. I seem to be able to maintain a lot of good eye contact with women and even make them smile or keep their attention directed towards me sometime, but for whatever reason, I just never approach them and let them get away without trying. The feeling of regret sucks. A lot.

 

I bet you that feeling of regrets sucks a lot more than any sort of reaction you may get if you approached any of them.

 

My point is, again, not approaching is always the worst alternative...it lingers and snowballs with every other time you didn't approach and creates a psychological monster.

 

Cracker Jack, how are you with talking to folks in general? Lets just say it is a woman that you completely have no attraction towards. Can you start up and hold a conversation with her?

Edited May 6, 2011 by Sabali

[somedude81]

Interesting how this thread has taken off.

Well you really had every opportunity. It’s really easy to say, “oh she has friends so I better not bother her” to yourself. That gets you no where though. You should have just talked with her any way. I mean a lot of the most attractive women don’t just sit around waiting to be talked to. You have to make it happen by trying.

Then tell me how I can ask her out when she is in a group with her girlfriends, or already talking to somebody.

 

I was not afraid to talk to her in person. If there was an opportunity to sit down and talk to her for a few minutes I would have taken it.

Start engaging women in real life. Don’t be afraid of awkward situations.

Of course I engage women in real life.

 

But awkward situations are a different matter.

You pretty much said it. This is exactly what I am talking about. If you simply ask her for her number so that you can call her, she does not know exactly why you want to call her. She can speculate on many things but she will give you her number, at the very least, out of simple curiosity. Don't underestimate how effective curiosity can be in this situation.

I hadn't looked in it in that way.

Dust, buddy, we don't even need to tip toe around on this one. It is lame.

That is ok, no one is above lame behavior every now and then but we simply have to learn from them.

 

I guess asking someone out on Facebook is all the rage for younger guys these days.

Yes I know it is lame, I just forgot to mention how lame I think it is.

 

I much prefer to ask girls out in person.

 

i think it may help if these guys would just supress their attraction for the girl for a moment, and just talk to her like any normal human being.

If I did that, I would never ask anybody out. There would be no reason to.

 

The attraction provides the drive go out of of my way and risk rejection.

[Sabali]

Interesting how this thread has taken off.

 

Then tell me how I can ask her out when she is in a group with her girlfriends, or already talking to somebody.

 

 

You simply go up to the group of friends, introduce yourself to every single one of them and shake their hands gently with a nice smile on your face. Introduce yourself to the woman of interest last and you just keep on talking to her. Her friends will not try to block you since you was courteous enough to introduce yourself to them. They will even move away to give you some privacy.

 

Try it. It works like a charm. You will actually feel like you have a charm around your neck.