A happy ending

[Lithia]

I’ll start this thread by saying I’m not partially happy for having an affair with a man in a relationship (he was not married, but a 16 year relationship). In fact, I was somewhat disgusted at myself both morally and for the fact it had the potential to destroy our friendship group. While I didn’t know BS as more than an acquaintance, I knew a couple of hers (and his) friends as my own also within a fairly large circle of friends.

 

It started in March last year, when we met at a concert via mutual friends. I didn’t even think he liked me at first as he seemed a bit distant when I was talking to him (when meeting new people I can be somewhat bizarre to say the least!) We added each other to facebook, and would see each other at mutual events.

 

The friendship developed fast, and within a couple of months we were having what I’d call an emotional affair. We listened to each other’s problems. We expressed our feelings about each other. Only one problem.. he was in a long term relationship.

 

He realised very quickly that there was something seriously wrong in his relationship for this to be happening, and realized he didn’t love her as any more than a friend and housemate anymore. They’d not shared a bedroom (and this I have confirmed) in years, and very rarely had sex. He was actually rather upset to find himself in a position to see his life for the last 16 years collapsing in front of his eyes.

 

He started talking about leaving her. In September he said to her that he wasn’t happy. In December he told her he wanted to separate. Bear in mind at this stage, it was no more than an emotional affair between us (which I understand is probably even more devastating on some levels than the physical side). Come January, he told her again, with a bit more force- as he hadn’t believed she was convinced that it was over the first time. Understand that this man is known as an incredibly nice guy- the last he ever wanted to do was hurt someone.

 

After that second time, we found ourselves taking things further with our affair. Come the end of January, he planned to tell her a couple of weeks later that he had met someone else.

 

Unfortunately, she found out about me in the worst way possible, not be him telling her. He left his email logged in and she read a message from a mutual friend of ours who knew. It didn’t say much- but said everything at the same time. That he loved me.

 

She was shocked, and thought that the “separation” in time would blow over. She was also shocked that he would do such a thing- considering his nice guy status. He told her the truth, and said that he was leaving the relationship to be with me.

 

She has fairly often asked him to be able to work it out. He held his guns. We announced our relationship in public. Most were fine with us- a few had even been through the same thing and had left their husbands/partner to be with someone else. And many thought they seemed like an odd couple, and that something had been wrong with the relationship a long time. There have been a few (those mainly closer to her than him) that have been a bit off, but we believe will be okay in time. Those that have understood have also been giving his BS the support she needs.

 

There was a fair amount of bitterness from his BS for a few weeks. A situation he had misunderstood as being something she wanted was spread around as “well he did it to get the benefit.” He quickly sorted the offending problem, and she later apologized for letting him do something she wasn’t happy with.

 

BS has since admitted that she relied on him a lot, and has largely “put up with him”.

 

3 months on, he has moved out (although the house is 100% his, he is letting her rent it off him while she finds herself on her feet).

 

We are on serious relationship terms although not rushing into things.

 

So a happyish story for once. I have been a lurker on these forums for a while (well since the emotional affair really took off) and after what I read, I believe that if a man is going to leave, he will do within a fairly small amount of time- because he realizes his relationship/marriage with their OH isn’t right and, if his relationship with his OW didn’t work out once it wasn’t an affair – would rather be single.

[Breezy Trousers]

, I believe that if a man is going to leave, he will do within a fairly small amount of time- because he realizes his relationship/marriage with their OH isn’t right and, if his relationship with his OW didn’t work out once it wasn’t an affair – would rather be single.

 

 

Yes, I remember reading as much in a book about affairs -- most only a very small percentage of affairs turn into a stable, committed relationships, and that if you're waiting more than an year for AP to leave a marriage, the odds are stacked against you. Your story fits.

 

Based on BS' comments, it sounds as though their marriage died years before you came on the scene.

 

Having been in only two long-term relationships and done divorce work, I have to say that I don't consider any relationship to be successful until it happily passes the four-year mark --- and that's not just affairs, but any committed relationship. Even at workplaces, I've noticed that the 4-year-mark is when the real nitty-gritty "spiritual work" of a relationship begins (for lack of a better word) .... However, you've gotten much, much farther than most OW in a relatively short period of time!

 

I'm not a fan of affairs as a means of resolving relationship issues, so forgive me for not congratulating you. But it's nice to see you happy just the same. Thanks for sharing.

[Anna101]

I'm glad things worked out for you

 

BTW, mine took about 2.5 years to move out but we are together happily - sometimes it isn't always the quick ones, hehe.

[Silly_Girl]

I believe that if a man is going to leave, he will do within a fairly small amount of time- because he realizes his relationship/marriage with their OH isn’t right and, if his relationship with his OW didn’t work out once it wasn’t an affair – would rather be single.

 

This is my experience also. My guy's been moved out a while and I hear about affair fog, but for my BF his marriage fog has lifted and he has gained a massive amount of perspective. I can't imagine, if I dumped him tomorrow, he'd ever go back.

 

I also had a wife who simply could not believe he would leave...

 

Have you posted before? Your story is familiar, similar to a poster of last year. Only I can't recall if it was the H or the OW posting.

 

Anyway. I hope things keep moving in the right direction for all of you, his wife included. Best of luck!

[siuys]

Well, my xMM moved out 2 months after we met only to move back 6 months later. Goes to show you just never know.... but I guess actions do speak louder than words. All the best.

[Jane Deaux]

Nothing is black and white. We don't know what the situation was between them past what the poster has told us. Who's to say she didn't mooch off him for 16 years. I am NOT saying she did. But the point is, we don't know him or his xSO, so I wouldn't judge someone that we are hearing a story about FROM someone else's point of view. And we really didn't learn all that much about the old relationship anyway, except they were together 16 years, the house is his, the friends thought they were odd, now they aren't together.

 

And sometimes just because 2 people are married doesn't make the assets gained 50/50. When no children are involved and one person pull so much more weight than the other and the provider finally gets fed up and leaves because they've been used and used, should it be fair then for the other spouse to still get 50%?

[26pointblue]

And sometimes just because 2 people are married doesn't make the assets gained 50/50. When no children are involved and one person pull so much more weight than the other and the provider finally gets fed up and leaves because they've been used and used, should it be fair then for the other spouse to still get 50%?

 

I don't know about everywhere but in community property states, yes, the assets gained during the marriage [as well as the liabilities/debts incurred during the marriage] are always split 50/50. The courts look at anything the spouses got after marriage & say, because it was a partnership each spouse ends up with exactly half of it at the dissolution of the partnership. It doesn't matter if one spouse worked three jobs & the other was a bum. It doesn't matter if they have children or not [although child support will come into play in the event that they have children]. It doesn't matter if one of them earned a million dollars for ten years & the other squandered it all on gambling or prostitutes. What is there at the time of the divorce that was gained or incurred after the couple got married is divided up 50/50.

 

I'm not sure if this is on topic but I just wanted to answer your question at least according to what the divorce courts in community property states do. In the other states it's more of an equitable distribution where the courts look at how to fairly divide it up. I think they still try to be pretty half & half about things.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know about everywhere but in community property states, yes, the assets gained during the marriage [as well as the liabilities/debts incurred during the marriage] are always split 50/50. The courts look at anything the spouses got after marriage & say, because it was a partnership each spouse ends up with exactly half of it at the dissolution of the partnership. It doesn't matter if one spouse worked three jobs & the other was a bum. It doesn't matter if they have children or not [although child support will come into play in the event that they have children]. It doesn't matter if one of them earned a million dollars for ten years & the other squandered it all on gambling or prostitutes. What is there at the time of the divorce that was gained or incurred after the couple got married is divided up 50/50.

 

I'm not sure if this is on topic but I just wanted to answer your question at least according to what the divorce courts in community property states do. In the other states it's more of an equitable distribution where the courts look at how to fairly divide it up. I think they still try to be pretty half & half about things.

 

 

I think (at least in my state)that the only exception would be an inheritance. It is solely the property of the recipient.

[jwi71]

Be careful.

 

Regardless of how your R begins, I am very leery of a partner who jumps from one bed to another. For me, its a warning sign when one won't leave UNLESS he/she has a replacement lined up - and it certainly sounds that way here. He didn't go until you emailed him and said you would take him back (after he left you the first time).

 

Secondly, this is all very new to you both. You haven't seen each others daily habits yet - not in any real sense. Still much to learn and see. Again, this is not because you started as an A, all R's start hot n heavy...time will time. Don't be so quick to yell "I won".

 

Lastly, you do KNOW one character trait - he cheats. I'm not saying this is an attack, its simply a statement of fact. It is an overt demonstration of, imo, a serious character flaw.

 

Just be careful....

[fooled once]

Nothing is black and white. We don't know what the situation was between them past what the poster has told us. Who's to say she didn't mooch off him for 16 years. I am NOT saying she did. But the point is, we don't know him or his xSO, so I wouldn't judge someone that we are hearing a story about FROM someone else's point of view. And we really didn't learn all that much about the old relationship anyway, except they were together 16 years, the house is his, the friends thought they were odd, now they aren't together.

 

And sometimes just because 2 people are married doesn't make the assets gained 50/50. When no children are involved and one person pull so much more weight than the other and the provider finally gets fed up and leaves because they've been used and used, should it be fair then for the other spouse to still get 50%?

 

And whose to say that the MM hadn't cheated on her for years or that the MM had erectile dysfunction or that he was only into pleasing himself (selfish lover) or that he had habits that were too much for her to want to be married to him (since she never married him). We don't know anything but a mistress's view of a relationship she wasn't privy to for 16 years.

 

I mean, the guy was obviously pretty happy and satisfied for 16 years, since he stayed. Who knows, maybe this was an exit affair for him and in 6 months, these 2 will no longer be together.

 

And FYI - most states in the US ARE community property. They will qualify for common law status, in which things ARE 50/50 except for inheritance. She may also get palimony from him.

 

Glad he is such "nice guy" and is letting his common law wife stay in the house she has made a home for 16 years. And I wouldn't be surprised if a lawyer didn't get her 1/2 that house. Nice guys usually don't betray those they claim to love, tho. So he doesn't qualify as "nice guy" to me. He qualifies as a cheater and a liar, someone who betrays another. NOTHING wrong with separating from a partner; people grow apart.

 

BUT when someone chooses to be a coward (because HE didn't tell her; he got busted by leaving his email open...which would make me wonder if he ever would have left) and not be honest about their feelings, that to me is not an honorable person, or a nice guy.

 

I have always heard of the 7 year itch...so to me, if a marriage lasts 7 years, then you can consider it a success Then again, I divorced my ex at 9 years of marriage :laugh: But yeah, I wouldn't call a 5 month affair a success. Check back in with us when you two have been married a couple years.

[thissecretgirl]

@ OP, I am glad it has worked out for you. I think you are approaching it in the right way and taking things slowly; I think thats is completely sensible.

As for him letting her stay in the house, I think that it shows that he recognises he has a responsibility to his ex and will do what he can to make things easier on her. Believe me, I know plenty of cases where the partner in the affair hasnt behaved in this way and has simply kicked them out. Im glad this isnt the case.

Presumably he is taking rent because he has to pay for somewhere to live now himself. Or who knows, perhaps she always paid rent.

 

I hope it all works out for the three of you. Best of luck.

[Breezy Trousers]

And whose to say that the MM hadn't cheated on her for years or that the MM had erectile dysfunction or that he was only into pleasing himself (selfish lover) or that he had habits that were too much for her to want to be married to him (since she never married him). We don't know anything but a mistress's view of a relationship she wasn't privy to for 16 years.

 

I mean, the guy was obviously pretty happy and satisfied for 16 years, since he stayed. Who knows, maybe this was an exit affair for him and in 6 months, these 2 will no longer be together.

 

And FYI - most states in the US ARE community property. They will qualify for common law status, in which things ARE 50/50 except for inheritance. She may also get palimony from him.

 

I have always heard of the 7 year itch...so to me, if a marriage lasts 7 years, then you can consider it a success Then again, I divorced my ex at 9 years of marriage :laugh: But yeah, I wouldn't call a 5 month affair a success. Check back in with us when you two have been married a couple years.

 

Very good points. Our interpretation of "facts" tends to be self serving. Everyone revises the history of their marriage when they divorce. Everyone!

 

There's wisdom in the "7-year itch" folklore. My marriage's first crisis -- infidelity -- occurred right at the 7-year mark. (It probably started well before that. So let me re-frame it: The first D-Day occurred at 7 years.) We got into therapy, etc. I thought the crisis was over. Then, several years later, it happened again, only worse .... My point is: Once you or your partner cross the line while in a committed, it's likely to happen again and again and again. Don't kid yourself, like I did ... Doing geographic cure (i.e., new spouse) doesn't change that. Affairs are addictive highs! This is not something any BS or OW wants to hear, of course.

 

BTW, property distribution is almost ALWAYS 50/50. In some states, proving infidelity ended the marriage will give BS the upper hand when dividing assets.

[Lithia]

Hi again :-)

 

A lot of people here are mentioning states and 50-50%. I do not live in America, things are a bit different over here.

 

Just to put to rest any ''why is she paying rent'' - because she agreed to so he doesn't live with her anymore.

 

She didn't want to marry him due to her views on marriage.

 

I know only time will tell now, but it's a ''success'' story in as much as he left. Many don't even get that far. We are taking the relationship slowly, on normal dating terms. Some may slate me for saying this, but he's felt single for quite a long while now (as she has also noted since D day) and felt like he was merely living with a housemate. As for if he cheats on me? Time will tell. If he does, he knows where he's going

[Breezy Trousers]

Hi again :-)

 

A lot of people here are mentioning states and 50-50%. I do not live in America, things are a bit different over here.

 

Just to put to rest any ''why is she paying rent'' - because she agreed to so he doesn't live with her anymore.

 

She didn't want to marry him due to her views on marriage.

 

I know only time will tell now, but it's a ''success'' story in as much as he left. Many don't even get that far. We are taking the relationship slowly, on normal dating terms. Some may slate me for saying this, but he's felt single for quite a long while now (as she has also noted since D day) and felt like he was merely living with a housemate. As for if he cheats on me? Time will tell. If he does, he knows where he's going

 

 

All sounds reasonable to me. Good luck.

[Breezy Trousers]

Lithia, just wanted to add something --

 

We always think we "know" how we will handle a situation, but once we're in the situation, we may find our feelings change.

 

I used to be 100% certain I would never tolerate a man who cheated on me. Things proved to be absolutely different once I found myself in that situation. (With the second affair, my husband became deeply involved with Sex Addicts Anonymous, where he helps other addicts recover from affair addiction, so, in retrospect, it was good I hung in there, because we've been very happy since.)

 

I used to be 100% certain I would never be an OW. Then I very nearly became an OW in 2008-2010 when a charismatic MM began pursuit. It took a lot of intense spiritual struggle for me to stay on my side of the street. However, I now have a compassion for the infidelity temptation in a way I never did before.

 

I used to be 100% certain it was a BS's fault if her man strayed. Then I tried super hard to be the perfect wife to my husband after the first affair. The second affair still happened. My husband is wonderful to me -- I'm incredibly lucky -- but I was still tempted to cheat on him in 2008-2010. I now know the "BS is to blame for an affair" is a horrible cultural myth.

 

Life has a way of laughing at our philosophies. It's all good.

Edited May 8, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[OWoman]

This:

 

I mean, the guy was obviously pretty happy and satisfied for 16 years, since he stayed.

 

contradicts this:

 

Who knows, maybe this was an exit affair for him and in 6 months, these 2 will no longer be together.

 

If he was "obviously happy" he would not have been looking for the escape route of an exit A.

 

But I would take issue with the assumption of the first part - my father stayed M to my mother for around 20 years. Was he happy? No. He was clinically depressed. Was he satisfied? No, but his depressed militated against his being able to do anything about a situation he felt trapped in, honour-bound to stay and raise the children he'd sired. Simply BEING somewhere is no indication that someone chooses to be there, or that they're happy or satisfied being there. Sometimes structural or other reasons keep people where they would really rather not be.

 

On the second part, though - this would be of more concern for me. While one view is that "if they're going to leave, they do so quickly" (and some stories here bear that out, as we've seen), another view holds that a spouse is unlikely to leave an otherwise normal / healthy M unless they fall in love with someone else in a way that they recognise is enduring, and is sufficient to consider breaking up their family for - which seldom happens quickly, as they need to be sure that it's not a fleeting whim. Of course, if there are no kids involved, and no M to dissolve, that does make things a lot easier, and gives little reason to stay on... but typically where someone is quick to leave a longstanding M there might be cause to wonder whether they were already poised to jump and simply landed on the first mattress that passed below their window. I'm not saying that that is the case in this particular instance - the OP has not provided any information to support or refute that explanation; I was commenting in a more general way about the situation.

 

Lithia, I'm happy that things are working out for you. I hope that they continue to do so and that you're very happy as a couple

[Mme. Chaucer]

My intention is not to be nit-picky, but I would not yet use the expression "happy ending" to define a relationship that has only existed for a little over a year ... and only been "out" for a few months. It's still completely new territory.

[Lithia]

Hi Breezy Trousers:

 

I know I'm 100% certain. My first husband cheated on me. On D-day I told him I wanted a divorce, he tried to come back- but I wasn't having any of it. I'm not saying it was easy to stand my ground- it wasn't as I loved him dearly, but I knew that if he'd cheated on me once, he'd more than likely do it again.

 

To others:

 

He wasn't happy or unhappy really. But when I became involved, he realized he'd been unhappy a while.

 

By "happy ending" I merely mean thus far. Who knows what the future will hold

[Silly_Girl]

Lithia, just wanted to add something --

 

We always think we "know" how we will handle a situation, but once we're in the situation, we may find our feelings change.

 

BT, this has been kicking around in my head a LOT lately. In all sorts of scenarios including work-related. I think it's something a lot of us could consider more deeply. Thanks.