khria Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) Hi all, I've really benefitted from the feedback on this forum at several stages of dating. An advanced thank you for reading. I, happily, just celebrated a 1 year anniversary with him (bf-gf). My bf is great. He bought me a present, flowers, and took me to a really fancy dinner. I was shocked and surprised. I was even more shocked to find myself doubting our relationship just a week afterwards. This one-year mark has only reminded me of what I feel are significant differences between us which I'm not sure are ever going to be resolved: 1) My work involves me travelling, and the potential of moving/re-locating from my current city, and learning several languages; my bf has made it clear to me that he more or less wants to stay where he is, phobic of air-travel, and has little desire to travel/see the world or immerse himself in a new culture for an extended period. 2) I enjoy dressing up and put a lot of thought into my clothes/appearance; he's a laid back oversized jeans and t-shirt guy who finds haircuts inconvenient and 'nicer clothes' uncomfortable. 3) My career is an important part of who I am, and I value work as a part of my identity and fulfillment. I also work a lot; he sees work as more of a job, and likes to absolutely minimize the amount of work he has to do in order to do hobbies on the side. He also has more modest career ambitions. ok, so this probably leads easily to some stereotyping: "She's the hard driving ambitious one who wants to see the world; he's the laid back homebody who's happy where he is and doesn't want any major changes." I'm wondering what people think the prognosis is for the long-term. We've talked about these things, him and I, many times before and haven't really gotten anywhere other than his decision to 'wait and see how things turn out.' Me (being me), well, I want a clearer trajectory of where things are headed than "wait and see." I want to know that he's made a concrete investment in our relationship, and that it at least has a chance of withstanding some of the requirements of my work (long absences + travel). He's told me that he feels like he's not a priority, that I don't accept him, that I judge him negatively.... I tell him that a solid career is my dream, and that I need to feel supported by the man I'm with. This is really hard for me. At some level, I feel like I *am* hurting him and making him feel unappreciated, but at the same time, I find it difficult to get comfortable given our very real differences, or to imagine giving up these key parts of myself for someone who doesn't share or understand my dreams. I'm open to any and all feedback. I even want to know if I'm sounding unreasonable, or am the classic 'demanding woman..always trying to change her man.' I don't want to be that woman and would rather walk away from this if *that* is who I'm becoming. Edited May 5, 2011 by khria
Cee Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I think your main issue is that you can't conceive of having a BF who doesn't orbit around your interests. You want a man who learns languages, travels, dresses up, etc. But really, that is your own fear of change. You think you are open and worldly, but I think you fear letting go of your own preconceived notions of what is good and right. Right now you value travel and career advancement. Maybe in 5 years, you'll treasure zen gardening and animal husbandry. Who knows? I am being a little bit flip, but what I am saying is-- you love this man and he loves you. There is nothing wrong with either of you. But don't think you know what you want forever and ever. You only think you know what you want. Think deeply about where your priorities are. And think critically about your current company. It's a company, not a person. It may provide a sense of purpose and monetary compensation, but it will never love you.
vsmini Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 What I have learned from dating all kinds of men: sweethearts, emotionally unavailables, thrill seekers, jerks, weirdos, etc.... is that it's not so much what you have in common as far as interests but what do you share as far as Core Values? Honest, family, relationships with friends and family. It's the core values that get couples through the hard times - not rock climbing and cuisine preferences. Perhaps right now you need someone a little more outgoing and that's ok. Maybe you aren't ready to totally settle down and you have to honor that. But never break up with a guy just because he doesn't seem to share a lot of your interests. Of course - don't stay with a guy if you have so little in common you have nothing to talk about.
Author khria Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 (edited) Thanks for both replies. Cee: that's a much-needed take. I just want to clarify that I don't value 'travel and languages' just for their own sake as a sign of elite 'worldliness.' I study anthropology, so part of my job is to travel and study/teach in foreign places, and to get specific kinds of training abroad. That's part of the job description, and it's built into my career and goals (it's what i signed up for). I think it would be very difficult to imagine a long-term future with someone who has never/never will get on a plane and doesn't like travel or at least have some curiosity about discovering other places and learning about different cultures... So, I just wanted to clarify, this is not about being worldly and advancing for its own sake. You raise a very important point, though: I get a lot of meaning from the research I do which I feel might help society in some way (and this is my ultimate goal, to produce research that could be useful), but that research will never 'love' me in the same way a stable partner can. vsmini: I agree. Shared values are important. And when I look at it that way, my partner and I do share a great deal there. I think that orientation to work is part of that set of Core Values, too. Liking work and career, vs. wanting more leisure... that's bound to pull a couple apart if they can't see eye to eye. At least that's what I often worry about. Btw, I don't like rock climbing, and I'm not a stickler to certain cuisines. Edited May 6, 2011 by khria
musemaj11 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Opposites attract only if they are not conflicting with each other. If one person is good at something while the other person is good at something else, then they each complement each other. However, if one person likes to go out while the other likes to stay inside, then its not gonna work out.
TragicAlliance Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Opposites can attract, provided they're not TOTAL opposites. (Meaning if you've got a few things that are opposite each other, you should be okay. But if everything is different, it's a no-go.) My ex and I ended up being polar opposites. He enjoys watersports and outdoor activities - I think they're dangerous and couldn't see myself doing them (even though he INSISTED he'd make me do them at some point). I love reading and writing - he hates both with a passion and would never read a single thing I wrote, even if it was for him. I thought we should do things together; he believed we should do our own things and be independent of each other. I believed in showing emotion... he didn't. Needless to say, we stepped on each other's toes so much with our differences that we're no longer together. In the end, you've got to find a compromise that makes you both happy. Not one of you or the other... BOTH of you. And if that compromise is unattainable... move on.
GoodOnPaper Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 1) My work involves me travelling, and the potential of moving/re-locating from my current city, and learning several languages; my bf has made it clear to me that he more or less wants to stay where he is, phobic of air-travel, and has little desire to travel/see the world or immerse himself in a new culture for an extended period. 2) I enjoy dressing up and put a lot of thought into my clothes/appearance; he's a laid back oversized jeans and t-shirt guy who finds haircuts inconvenient and 'nicer clothes' uncomfortable. 3) My career is an important part of who I am, and I value work as a part of my identity and fulfillment. I also work a lot; he sees work as more of a job, and likes to absolutely minimize the amount of work he has to do in order to do hobbies on the side. He also has more modest career ambitions. ok, so this probably leads easily to some stereotyping: "She's the hard driving ambitious one who wants to see the world; he's the laid back homebody who's happy where he is and doesn't want any major changes." Back in my graduate school days, the single women in my science PhD program actively sought this type of "opposites" pairing -- strangely enough, those of us guys in the program were too nerdy and geeky for them. I imagine that they did this because "opposite" qualities coming in contact generate excitement and attraction. Regarding the long-term, I think successful "opposites" couples still have to have senses of humor that sync and have core values and at least some leisure interests that are in common. If that's true the "opposite" qualities can weave through the relationship and strengthen it rather than act as a barrier to it. Personally, I knew from day 1 as a teenager that I wanted a partner with similar intellectual and career interests. I didn't end up with that but at the same time it took many years for me to realize that my wife and I were actually an "opposites" pairing.
Author khria Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your replies. TragicAlliance: You raise an important point: the compromise has to happen on both sides. I often worry that, in the future, I'll be the one to make the majority of sacrifices and compromises (dating someone who doesn't travel easily would mean that I'd have to potentially pass up opportunities abroad, for instance, because my partner wouldn't be able to ever visit). Your example is really illuminating. I agree: both people have to make the effort. thrownaway: I'm in my late 20s. Geographically, I haven't settled on a single city yet. Neither have I decided that where I am is where I want to stay. It makes it hard to imagine sustaining a relationship with someone who is pretty sure that they'd never want to move. My bf told me that people stay in one place for a relationship all the time; I reminded him that people also move for relationships the other half of the time.... GoodOnPaper: I agree to a certain extent. My bf is definitely appealing because he's different from people at school. He's more relaxed, laid back, goofy, and less.... workaholic. He prefers relaxing and having fun with friends and family over careerism (which often requires people to spend less time with loved ones, etc, unless they do the same thing). These are the very traits that drew me towards him. I don't think they spell the end of the relationship, but I'm starting to see them as big differences if we're not able to reach some middle ground... Edited May 9, 2011 by khria
utterer of lies Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Don't let him harm your career. That's the most important thing. From what you say, it doesn't look to me as he is motivated enough to be an equal to you. If you make a career, you will have lots of 'half-business, half-private' events with people where your SO is supposed to show up, nicely dressed in a suit. If he can't do that (represent at such a function), you better find someone who can. Also, such a big difference in ambition does not bode too well, because you will be forced to make decisions he will not understand....
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