GGal Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Dear All, Firstly I wanted to share with you both sides to an affair with a MM and the affects on their family as well as my 2 cents on the subject: Firstly, it isnt that my dad fell in love with someone else and moved on - that too would have surely hurt my mum - but its the fact that he didnt have the balls to come out with it, take the risk of his so called "love" and dragged everyone through his double life for almost 10 years... So obviously when all was found out - my mum was devastated, I also hated him for a very long time - more for also abandoning his duties towards me So my opinion is that I do understand love, it can not be planned, sometimes it really is a God sent as a sign to get out of an unhappy relationship (both my mum and my dad are much happier apart and my dad did eventually marry the other woman) - but the process was painful for everyone involved. As I have grown into a woman my self (31!) I even sympathize with the OM - as now I can see how much she had to hit the pause button on her young life waiting for my dad to rack up the courage. So here's my 2 cents - if its true love, nothing can keep you apart - but set some boundaries to make your life and everyone else's easier... I believe in Karma and restless nights due to all the angst and guilt that must be felt... Not worth it for the short time we are on earth... If he/she is in love - then start with a clean slate... I dont care about their excuses (I was 17 when they divorced and no growing up isnt easier cos everyone bitches to you thinking you can handle it - its actually the younger children who stay more protected cos no one chews their ear off - and once they've grown in to new set of family - they have got used to everything plus a lot of water should have passed under the bridge for both parents to have moved on and not harbor bad feelings towards the other) - so "waiting for kids to grow up" is not a valid excuse... Deception is what hurts - not the fact a person has fallen in love with someone else... that just bruises the ego but trust me it passes way faster then anything else.... Please ladies and gentlemen, you are worthy enough for someone to take a leap of faith with you - do not put your self through crap... Put yr foot down and say "if you want me, come and get me!" - do not feel guilty about falling in love with a MM/MW - you dont choose who you fall in love with (if we did, no one would have destructive relationships) I hope this helps at least one couple start a clean and happy life - no matter how the circumstances seemed at the beginning...
BB07 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Good post GGal and I'm sorry for the pain you went through as a young woman. I relate in many ways as my dad was a serial cheater who had multiple affairs but one primary OW. I disagree with you on one point however. The falling in love thing, I do think we choose it, we feed it one step at a time. First there is attraction and then it takes hundreds of little steps to act on that attraction to get to the point of love. If a person refused to take that first little bitty step of acting on the attraction the rest would not happen.
Baroness67 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Lots of truth in your post, GGal. I appreciate what you said.
bentnotbroken Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 WOW! You said what I feel. I don't know any sane person who wants two miserable people to be married and miserable. Being dishonest and showing no respect doesn't not erase the misery...it adds to it. Yes, the dissolving of any relationship will hurt, but the betrayal, lies, gas lighting, emotional abuse are things that have a long lasting effect. If you are in love, be upfront and move on. It is NOT an easy thing to do. Most things in life that require integrity aren't easy.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Deception is what hurts - not the fact a person has fallen in love with someone else... that just bruises the ego but trust me it passes way faster then anything else...... Absolutely spot-on. Also want to say that my experience agrees with BB's comment that "the falling in love thing, I do think we choose it, we feed it one step at a time. First there is attraction and then it takes hundreds of little steps to act on that attraction to get to the point of love. If a person refused to take that first little bitty step of acting on the attraction the rest would not happen. " I couldn't figure out why, after struggling to not to become an OW for 2 years, I ended up more judgmental of affairs than I was when I was on the BS side of the fence. I certainly understand the powerful pull of this temptation better than before! ... This is why. I now know that it's a decision made over & over again. GGal, most children of unfaithful parents I've seen tend to run hot or cold on the subject -- very critical of people who have affairs or "falling into" affairs themselves. The person who helped me out of love fog the most was, interestingly, not an OW or BS but a friend whose dad was a serial cheater. OMG. The judgment my friend has! But also deep clarity on the subject. Unbelievably insightful. This child of affairs was the person who kept shaking me awake as I was falling asleep in the field of red poppies. So your perspective is incredibly valuable to us. Thanks for sharing.
donnamaybe Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Yup, it's the lying and the dragging on and on of all the deception that is the dishonorable part of an A.
Mimolicious Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 GGal, great post. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing this story with us. (hugs)
Recommended Posts