Sarabina Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I am a 20 year old university student and I have never had a boyfriend. I don’t feel comfortable posting a picture of myself, but I will describe my appearance as accurately as I can. - I have an olive complexion and dark eyes and hair - I am 5 ft and weigh 110 pounds (I am trying to lose 10 pounds) - I have very long hair that goes all the way down to my lower back and I have large eyes - I dress well for my age (not too conservative and not too trashy) I have been told I am attractive by my female friends and I often notice men checking me out. The problem is these men are often much older than I am or they are very pervy/creepy. No guy my age ever hits on me or approaches me; in fact nobody of the opposite gender ever approaches me. I will also describe my personality as accurately as I can - I am an introverted and quiet person - I can be shy at times, especially around guys - I love to read and to debate about politics, religion, and pretty much everything under the sun - I also appear to be serious, I don’t smile a lot and don’t have a bubbly personality I have been told that I appear to be cold and aloof by people, although they change their minds once they get to know me. Anyway, I just want to know why guys don’t approach me. Is it just because I don’t smile enough and am not bubbly, I have been told that I need to be more extroverted if I want to attract a guy, but I don’t want to change my personality. What should I do?
Ross MwcFan Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 If you come across as cold and aloof, then that's probably why guys don't approach you, because you come across as unapproachable. Just smile more, and try and be more open and friendly. I know it's more easier said than done though.
smudge21 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Maybe guys just find you attractive and think you must already be dating. I know that's often the thought when we've been out and seen an attractive girl with her friends. Maybe with that in mind, you should start making the first moves. If you see someone you like, make it obvious.
Author Sarabina Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 The typical girl. "The guys I do attract I never like and the guys I want never show interest." You want the guys who show no interest because they ignore you. So you are saying that I should go out with the 40 year old men that are checking me out or with the drunk and/or homeless man that follows me around when I go shopping - thanks a lot, I will definitely take your advice and for the rest of the people who replied - I always get the same response whenever I ask for advice, so I guess I should just practice smilling more and being more outgoing.
Nexus One Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Have you tried approaching guys yourself? If so, how did you go about doing that, did you give indirect and subtle hints or were you direct and obvious? I'm just wondering if you have at any point actually tried that strategy and examined the results of that. Regarding the smiling, it's not necessarily about smiling in general, although that can help with the general perception people have of you, it's about smiling at the guys you like. (at the right moment) When you look at a guy when there is absolutely no reason to do so and then smile at him, that's the universal signal that guys understand. Not all of them will understand the message, but most will. For those that are less socially savvy and are somewhat clueless and oblivious about women, they will need a more direct and obvious approach in order for them to understand.
Darren Taylor Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I always get the same response whenever I ask for advice, so I guess I should just practice smilling more and being more outgoing. Perhaps there's some truth to it. I can understand some girls that put up the b*tch shield(though you'll never attract anyone of quality with that), but unless you're drop dead gorgeous, that shield will only hurt you.
Author Sarabina Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 No, I am saying stop creating impossible scenarios so you can feel sorry for yourself. I find it hard to believe the only guys interested in you are homeless, drunk, and 40. Besides 40 isn't bad. It depends on the 40 year old. You should give them a chance if they interest you and not be so hung up on their age. Another thing to consider is most girls are not that observant. They believe they have a sixth sense in regards to which guys are paying attention but they don't. They think they see all the guys watching them but they only catch the ones who don't care if they are caught staring. Open your eyes and pay attention more. It is true, if you aren't convinced then there is nothing I can do. I clearly said that no guys my age ever approach me, if they did I would not have started this thread. And some 40 year old guys are fine, but I don't want to go out with someone who is twice my age. I honestly don't understand why you are blaming me when you don't even know me or know the type of men that check me out. Have you tried approaching guys yourself? If so, how did you go about doing that, did you give indirect and subtle hints or were you direct and obvious? I'm just wondering if you have at any point actually tried that strategy and examined the results of that. Regarding the smiling, it's not necessarily about smiling in general, although that can help with the general perception people have of you, it's about smiling at the guys you like. (at the right moment) When you look at a guy when there is absolutely no reason to do so and then smile at him, that's the universal signal that guys understand. Not all of them will understand the message, but most will. For those that are less socially savvy and are somewhat clueless and oblivious about women, they will need a more direct and obvious approach in order for them to understand. I have never approached a guy before, I don't know how to. I don't know how to flirt, I can start a conversation but I can't flirt Yeah basically this... http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/4118/tumblrlioaniynrk1qzzefv.jpg that's pretty much what I look like (I even wear glasses)
Nexus One Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I have never approached a guy before, I don't know how to. I don't know how to flirt, I can start a conversation but I can't flirt Flirting is not (always) necessary. The point is that you get on their radar. Starting a conversation is a good starter. Smiling at them is a good second. Even if they don't immediately reciprocate, it'll enable them to think about whether they're attracted to you or not and whether they should make a move or not. Some guys might even be attracted, but too shy/insecure to make a move, so keep that in mind too. Also, a lot of guys don't understand indirect hints very well, one reason for that is that they often mistake it for general friendliness.
fishtaco Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 The traditional role is men hit on women. But women's role isn't just sit around. If you do that, then you won't get to choose the type of men that come after you. Obviously in your case, the type of men that show interest are not the ones that you are interested in. Well, then take a more active role. Flirt, be friendly. Play the woman's role instead of a mannequin. It's up to you to get the guy you want to be interested enough to hit on you. Or, alternately, you can just go hit up on the guy. This is easier in the sense that you don't have to play any indirect games. But it's more scary because your ego is on the line. But men do this all the time. So really it's not big deal once you get used to it.
orangelady Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Maybe you need to lose the 10 pounds first. Just a suggestion...
alethean Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Maybe you need to lose the 10 pounds first. Just a suggestion... Why? Anyway, to the OP, you don't have to change your personality, but you might want to be more open. Would you want to approach someone with a perma-b!tch face? Probably not. So one step at a time, lose the cold demeanor. I have the same problem and that's my first goal before I start approaching dudes.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Maybe you need to lose the 10 pounds first. Just a suggestion... Not necessarily. And she may be skinny, and have BDD. Nobody on here knows if she is, in fact, in the healthy weight range. It's comments like that that only lead to anorexia, and other eating disorders...
Nexus One Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Why? Anyway, to the OP, you don't have to change your personality, but you might want to be more open. Would you want to approach someone with a perma-b!tch face? Probably not. So one step at a time, lose the cold demeanor. I have the same problem and that's my first goal before I start approaching dudes. That could help with how people generally perceive her, but if she smiles all the time, then guys might mistaken her smiles towards them as general friendliness and just "her character". Get this. Guys have girl radars. But they also have filters. There are guys that notice nearly every girl on their radar and hardly filter any girls out. Those guys generally find nearly any girl attractive. Then there is the other end of the spectrum of guys that have very "tough" radars who filter out nearly every girl. And then there are the masses of guys who are between those two ends of the spectrum. Generally, as a girl you don't know what kind of "radar" the type of guy you're dealing with has. So you don't know whether you are filtered invisible noise on his radar or not. So what you have to do is become at least visible on his radar. That's why extroverted girls get noticed quicker than introverted girls. It's because they appear earlier on the radars of guys, but that doesn't mean a guy wouldn't be into an introverted girl, no it means he would first need to get to know the introverted girl in order to gauge if he likes her. I generally notice extroverted, happy, positive and optimistic girls fairly quickly, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in introverted girls, it just takes longer to get sufficient output out of them in order for me to gauge compatibility in terms of personality for example. Introverted girls can just as well be happy, positive and optimistic, but you don't know that in the beginning. With extroverted girls you get that information quicker. Neither is necessarily better from a guy's standpoint, but it does make a difference in regards to a girl's "game", if you know what I mean.
Author Sarabina Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Maybe you need to lose the 10 pounds first. Just a suggestion... My BMI is perfectly healthy, and I highly doubt my weight or my looks have anything to do with me not having a boyfriend. I think it all stems from my personality. That could help with how people generally perceive her, but if she smiles all the time, then guys might mistaken her smiles towards them as general friendliness and just "her character". Get this. Guys have girl radars. But they also have filters. There are guys that notice nearly every girl on their radar and hardly filter any girls out. Those guys generally find nearly any girl attractive. Then there is the other end of the spectrum of guys that have very "tough" radars who filter out nearly every girl. And then there are the masses of guys who are between those two ends of the spectrum. Generally, as a girl you don't know what kind of "radar" the type of guy you're dealing with has. So you don't know whether you are filtered invisible noise on his radar or not. So what you have to do is become at least visible on his radar. That's why extroverted girls get noticed quicker than introverted girls. It's because they appear earlier on the radars of guys, but that doesn't mean a guy wouldn't be into an introverted girl, no it means he would first need to get to know the introverted girl in order to gauge if he likes her. I generally notice extroverted, happy, positive and optimistic girls fairly quickly, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in introverted girls, it just takes longer to get sufficient output out of them in order for me to gauge compatibility in terms of personality for example. Introverted girls can just as well be happy, positive and optimistic, but you don't know that in the beginning. With extroverted girls you get that information quicker. Neither is necessarily better from a guy's standpoint, but it does make a difference in regards to a girl's "game", if you know what I mean. I understand what you are saying but I can't suddenly become extroverted, too do that I would have to change myself completely. I have to find a way to get myself noticed while still remaining an introvert.
fishtaco Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I understand what you are saying but I can't suddenly become extroverted, too do that I would have to change myself completely. I have to find a way to get myself noticed while still remaining an introvert. Well, I did. But I'm a guy, so maybe you can afford to stay shy and introverted. It took me many years to change my personality. And I can tell you, it's not fun. Even now, I'd say I'm more like dual personality than someone that has changed. Because the old me appears out of nowhere and screws up my game from time to time. But, maybe because I'm now Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, it makes me more interesting and mysterious. I don't know. Whatever works. I'll just stick with the voodoo. I don't need to know why things work. I just need to know it works. So I can vouch for the possibility of a personality change. It's possible and could be the right thing to do, as is in my case.
Nexus One Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 (edited) I understand what you are saying but I can't suddenly become extroverted, too do that I would have to change myself completely. I have to find a way to get myself noticed while still remaining an introvert. I'm wasn't saying you need to become extroverted, I just used that example to illustrate my point. Just having conversations with guys with an occasional smile on your face could already put you on their radar. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll fall for you, but don't let that frustrate you, it's just the way it is. Edited May 6, 2011 by Nexus One
BiscuitXOXO Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Well, I did. But I'm a guy, so maybe you can afford to stay shy and introverted. It took me many years to change my personality. And I can tell you, it's not fun. Even now, I'd say I'm more like dual personality than someone that has changed. Because the old me appears out of nowhere and screws up my game from time to time. So I can vouch for the possibility of a personality change. It's possible and could be the right thing to do, as is in my case. I used to be extremely shy, awkward, and introverted. It took me up until my junior year of high school, only two short years ago. Then slowly I began to creep out of my shell. And I'm still definitely not naturally outgoing; it takes conscious effort. But it gets easier every time I try! I don't think I changed my personality. It's a habit, like developing study habits. It's also a skill; lots of trial and error. And practice practice practice!
Professor X Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I understand what you are saying but I can't suddenly become extroverted, too do that I would have to change myself completely. I have to find a way to get myself noticed while still remaining an introvert. There are 2 ways you can increases your chances in getting a BF: either by getting them to come to you, or by getting to them yourself As introverted person, who's in university, I would suggest you to use the environment you're in in your favor, i.e. go to a guy you're interested in and suggest to study together, or maybe ask him for help with some question (even if you know the answer, just pretend you don't), from that common ground just start talking to him, if you feel shy, than do it a few more times (meet for university-related stuff), your confidence should grow by then, as well as his knowledge of you. That's how I met my ex' (I used to be introverted person back then): One day I saw her really sad over some exam she scored low, I offered help in preparing her for the next try, she accepted, we met a couple of times, first at the university, later on at her house; Things just rolled from that point on. If you're interested in a guy you have no common ground whatsoever, than it'd be much much harder as introverted person. Changing is hard and sometimes you simply need to learn how to manipulate the cards that were dealt to you in life in order to make something happen, not necessarily changing them completely.
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Besides 40 isn't bad. It depends on the 40 year old. You should give them a chance if they interest you and not be so hung up on their age. She is 20 so 40 is definitely bad. A 40 year old guy who goes after a 20 year old is a creep.
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Sarabina, first of all, there is nothing wrong with being 20 and never having had a boyfriend. I actually think it is healthier not to start too early with that. It gives you the opportunity to find out who you are and what you want without too much influence of another person. I think I see a little bit what kind of personality you have, you probably look a bit like I was when I was your age. I was a bit of a nerd and I am not saying that as something negative. More an introvert than an extrovert, intelligent, rather selfconscious, someone deep, not superficial. In my eyes, you are worth a 1000 times more than the superficial babes boys your age run after. The key for you is to get to know people in a context where you feel at ease. Not in a context where you have to be flashy and flirt, like in a bar. If I were you I would become member of a club which interests you. Maybe a political organisation, maybe a book club, maybe a sports club? Do you like to hike? A hiking club is a good way to get to know people because when you do walks, people start talking to you and there is not this pressure of making a huge impression. Language courses are also nice to meet people. Or a cooking class. Don't always do things with girlfriends. Get out of your comfort zone, do things on your own, go to new places, meet new people. And please don't date any guy who is more than 7/8 years older than you!
Ross MwcFan Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I used to be extremely shy, awkward, and introverted. It took me up until my junior year of high school, only two short years ago. Then slowly I began to creep out of my shell. And I'm still definitely not naturally outgoing; it takes conscious effort. But it gets easier every time I try! I don't think I changed my personality. It's a habit, like developing study habits. It's also a skill; lots of trial and error. And practice practice practice! Has it made much of a difference to the amount of guys who approach you?
Author Sarabina Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Thank you to everyone that has replied so far - I will definitely try out your suggestions. As an introverted girl I would love to meet an introverted guy but that seems impossible, since these guys are often too shy to approach women. Is there any way that an introverted girl can attract an introverted guy?
Els Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Eh, I always found that introverted people got to know each other best via 'introductory' methods such as online forums/chat, rather than straight out face-to-face. People may judge it all they like, but it works. I really wouldn't suggest online dating per se, though (I personally think it's very put-on and superficial), but rather participating in sites/forums with like-minded people and seeing where that brings you.
Skump Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I have never approached a guy before, I don't know how to. I don't know how to flirt, I can start a conversation but I can't flirt. "Hey {whoever}, interested in going out/getting something to eat/seeing a movie/whatever this weekend? {affirmative response} Cool - here's my number. Give me a call and we'll set something up." Jeez Louise. If you have the game of a low-end Roomba you can pull this off. Pro Tip: Men are about 100x easier to approach successfully than women. The odds are on your side. TRUST ME.
nordic Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I am a 20 year old university student and I have never had a boyfriend. I don’t feel comfortable posting a picture of myself, but I will describe my appearance as accurately as I can. - I have an olive complexion and dark eyes and hair - I am 5 ft and weigh 110 pounds (I am trying to lose 10 pounds) - I have very long hair that goes all the way down to my lower back and I have large eyes - I dress well for my age (not too conservative and not too trashy) I have been told I am attractive by my female friends and I often notice men checking me out. The problem is these men are often much older than I am or they are very pervy/creepy. No guy my age ever hits on me or approaches me; in fact nobody of the opposite gender ever approaches me. I will also describe my personality as accurately as I can - I am an introverted and quiet person - I can be shy at times, especially around guys - I love to read and to debate about politics, religion, and pretty much everything under the sun - I also appear to be serious, I don’t smile a lot and don’t have a bubbly personality I have been told that I appear to be cold and aloof by people, although they change their minds once they get to know me. Anyway, I just want to know why guys don’t approach me. Is it just because I don’t smile enough and am not bubbly, I have been told that I need to be more extroverted if I want to attract a guy, but I don’t want to change my personality. What should I do? you should just write your telephone number right here. dont think there much more to it for a girl. i'd date you:-)
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