My story

[Angelina527]

Hello all. I've been reading LS for more than a year now after finding out about my husband's infidelity. I've recently made a couple of posts in another thread and thought that I should probably introduce myself.

 

I don't know exactly where to begin, but I'll start by saying that I was my now husband's former OW and I will be ashamed of that until the day I die. I will be forever sorry for going "there" during his marriage. Even though she never knew, *I* know what we did, and I know now that what you don't know really can hurt you.

 

Anyway, moving on. Our story was very typical of many that I read on here. As a matter of fact, it was so typical that my husband and I have both found ourselves feeling very embarrassed over our naivete. I thought my husband's marriage was emotionally over...I thought, "if she were taking care of his needs, then he wouldn't want me." In short, I blamed her for her failures in the marriage. Oh how wrong I was. Sure, she played her part in the marriage, but the cheating was all his own doing. She didn't deserve that. I also wasn't the only OW during their marriage, but I didn't know that at the time.

 

Fast forward, they divorce and we married two years later. The cheating began before we even walked down the aisle and I found out 4 years later. I have been shattered to my very core, but with lots of therapy, my husband and I are stronger than I ever imagined we would be, but that was only because he was able to face his demons and his weaknesses. I've had to do a lot of soul searching, as well. See, I'm of the deep belief that I got exactly what I deserved....I played my part in our affair and I was just as guilty as he was for our wrongdoing. I threw aside my beliefs and values and now,well, here I am.

 

I also understand that not giving my husband enough sex, or attention, or not being a good enough wife, etc. had absolutely nothing to do with his cheating. It wasn't about me or something missing in our marriage, it was about him and something missing within himself. I'm deeply ashamed that I ever blamed his ex-wife. It's just never really that simple, is it? Oh, and married men lie about the state of their marriage...a lot. Now I know this from both sides.

 

Not all who participate in affairs are "bad" people (however, it's a really bad choice for all involved, including the other person)....I get that some just find themselves in a situation that they would never normally want to be a part of. But just at the very least own it...have some compassion. If I ever end up single again, I know that I will never cause this agony to another living soul...I did it once and I'm now paying a very high price. The view from the betrayed spouse's side of the fence looks a lot different when you actually experience it.

 

I hope that one day I can forgive myself for the heartache I caused, but likely not. I was wrong, plain and simple and, frankly, I deserved to pay for my role as the OW. One thing I have learned is that everyone gets hurt in these situations...everyone. I just thank God that our situation didn't involve children.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and give a little background if I'm going to be posting.

[Bionic Me]

Welcome and I am sorry that you had to go through this.

 

Have you thought of maybe speaking to your H's exW and asking her for forgiveness? Maybe, then you can unload some guilt.

 

I have a feeling that someone on here will post saying that you are a BS (which you are now) posting as a rOW turned W. I don't know why, but I can see it coming... Not many like to face reality that this can happen. Don't we all live in glass houses.

[skywriter]

Thank you Angelina for sharing your wisdom and your experience with us. I'm sure someone will benefit from it.

 

Glad to hear that you and your H were able to work through things and stay together.

[BB07]

Welcome to LS Angelina.

 

I certainly understand where you are right now in regards to your feelings about owning your part of being a participant in an affair, as I'm right there with you.

 

In my case I'm thankful that I didn't end up with xmm as it would have been a even bigger disaster than it was.

[Audacia]

Have you thought of maybe speaking to your H's exW and asking her for forgiveness? Maybe, then you can unload some guilt.

 

My H's xOW did contact me to apologize after she found out about her H's affair. Honestly, I didn't care. Now, a little piece of me was happy she got to go through what I went through. That may be callous but I'm only human. I think if she had apologized before she went through it I would have been a little more receptive but I can't say. It just made me feel like she wouldn't have done it if it hadn't happened to her.

 

On the flipside, my H's first marriage ended when his XW had an affair. And he treated her appallingly after finding out about her A. After we decided to reconcile and began healing our marriage, he called her and apologized for saying he'd forgiven her when he hadn't and trying to make her hurt like he was hurting.

 

But if it helps you feel better then go ahead. Just be prepared if she's not receptive of your apology.

[Angelina527]

Thank you for your replies and your understanding. This has been a long journey and we still have a very long way to go, but we're making it with a lot of hard work.

 

Bionic Me, yes, I have thought about speaking to his ex wife and I have my husband's blessing to do what feels right. I guess my only issue is that she didn't know, and I know that I helped heap enough pain on her so I'm afraid of reopening her wounds just for my benefit. It is a question that I'm definitely trying to work through.

 

I also want to say that I mean no disrespect to anyone, and it's true that I'm the one sitting in the betrayed's seat now, but I just wanted to share my experiences and hope that my tragedy can help someone else avoid the pain...I hate to think of ANYONE, BS or OW, howling like a wounded animal and welcoming death like I did.

[Angelina527]

My H's xOW did contact me to apologize after she found out about her H's affair. Honestly, I didn't care. Now, a little piece of me was happy she got to go through what I went through. That may be callous but I'm only human. I think if she had apologized before she went through it I would have been a little more receptive but I can't say. It just made me feel like she wouldn't have done it if it hadn't happened to her.

 

On the flipside, my H's first marriage ended when his XW had an affair. And he treated her appallingly after finding out about her A. After we decided to reconcile and began healing our marriage, he called her and apologized for saying he'd forgiven her when he hadn't and trying to make her hurt like he was hurting.

 

But if it helps you feel better then go ahead. Just be prepared if she's not receptive of your apology.

 

I agree with you. Although I felt guilt and shame before going through this, I didn't really get it. She deserves better from me now than to just expect her to say, "oh ok, I forgive you." Frankly, I deserve what I'm feeling and am not willing to hurt her more just to ease that guilt.

 

On the other hand, one of my husband's OW did offer me a very sincere apology and I accepted and have forgiven her completely. For me, I find it's the other women who treated me poorly and had no compassion that I have a hard time forgiving.

[Bionic Me]

Thank you for your replies and your understanding. This has been a long journey and we still have a very long way to go, but we're making it with a lot of hard work.

 

Bionic Me, yes, I have thought about speaking to his ex wife and I have my husband's blessing to do what feels right. I guess my only issue is that she didn't know, and I know that I helped heap enough pain on her so I'm afraid of reopening her wounds just for my benefit. It is a question that I'm definitely trying to work through.

 

I also want to say that I mean no disrespect to anyone, and it's true that I'm the one sitting in the betrayed's seat now, but I just wanted to share my experiences and hope that my tragedy can help someone else avoid the pain...I hate to think of ANYONE, BS or OW, howling like a wounded animal and welcoming death like I did.

 

 

I truly know where you are coming from. Asking for forgiveness is for you though. You can't control how she will take it. I see why you wouldn't want to approach the subject, if she wasn't aware of your participation. Tough call. I guess 10 Our Father's and 10 Hail Mary's.

 

I wish there were more people like you in this world. I mean that in a very good way.

[Breezy Trousers]

Fast forward, they divorce and we married two years later. The cheating began before we even walked down the aisle and I found out 4 years later. I have been shattered to my very core, but with lots of therapy, my husband and I are stronger than I ever imagined we would be, but that was only because he was able to face his demons and his weaknesses. I've had to do a lot of soul searching, as well. See, I'm of the deep belief that I got exactly what I deserved....I played my part in our affair and I was just as guilty as he was for our wrongdoing. I threw aside my beliefs and values and now,well, here I am.

 

I also understand that not giving my husband enough sex, or attention, or not being a good enough wife, etc. had absolutely nothing to do with his cheating. It wasn't about me or something missing in our marriage, it was about him and something missing within himself. I'm deeply ashamed that I ever blamed his ex-wife. It's just never really that simple, is it? Oh, and married men lie about the state of their marriage...a lot. Now I know this from both sides.

 

Not all who participate in affairs are "bad" people (however, it's a really bad choice for all involved, including the other person)....I get that some just find themselves in a situation that they would never normally want to be a part of. But just at the very least own it...have some compassion. If I ever end up single again, I know that I will never cause this agony to another living soul...I did it once and I'm now paying a very high price. The view from the betrayed spouse's side of the fence looks a lot different when you actually experience it.

 

I hope that one day I can forgive myself for the heartache I caused, but likely not. I was wrong, plain and simple and, frankly, I deserved to pay for my role as the OW. One thing I have learned is that everyone gets hurt in these situations...everyone. I just thank God that our situation didn't involve children.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and give a little background if I'm going to be posting.

 

Angelina, my story matches your own, only in reverse. I learned the same things, though. I felt guilty as a BS, believing I did something wrong to cause my husband to have an affair. It was as a near-OW, I saw that affairs had nothing to do with the spouse.

 

Sounds like you've learned so many lessons from this. I hope you can let this go. You have gone through enough pain over this. Glad you & your husband are on the other side of this, too.

[strlixx]

that was relle nicely said.

[fooled once]

Hello all. I've been reading LS for more than a year now after finding out about my husband's infidelity. I've recently made a couple of posts in another thread and thought that I should probably introduce myself.

 

I don't know exactly where to begin, but I'll start by saying that I was my now husband's former OW and I will be ashamed of that until the day I die. I will be forever sorry for going "there" during his marriage. Even though she never knew, *I* know what we did, and I know now that what you don't know really can hurt you.

 

Anyway, moving on. Our story was very typical of many that I read on here. As a matter of fact, it was so typical that my husband and I have both found ourselves feeling very embarrassed over our naivete. I thought my husband's marriage was emotionally over...I thought, "if she were taking care of his needs, then he wouldn't want me." In short, I blamed her for her failures in the marriage. Oh how wrong I was. Sure, she played her part in the marriage, but the cheating was all his own doing. She didn't deserve that. I also wasn't the only OW during their marriage, but I didn't know that at the time.

 

Fast forward, they divorce and we married two years later. The cheating began before we even walked down the aisle and I found out 4 years later. I have been shattered to my very core, but with lots of therapy, my husband and I are stronger than I ever imagined we would be, but that was only because he was able to face his demons and his weaknesses. I've had to do a lot of soul searching, as well. See, I'm of the deep belief that I got exactly what I deserved....I played my part in our affair and I was just as guilty as he was for our wrongdoing. I threw aside my beliefs and values and now,well, here I am.

 

I also understand that not giving my husband enough sex, or attention, or not being a good enough wife, etc. had absolutely nothing to do with his cheating. It wasn't about me or something missing in our marriage, it was about him and something missing within himself. I'm deeply ashamed that I ever blamed his ex-wife. It's just never really that simple, is it? Oh, and married men lie about the state of their marriage...a lot. Now I know this from both sides.

 

Not all who participate in affairs are "bad" people (however, it's a really bad choice for all involved, including the other person)....I get that some just find themselves in a situation that they would never normally want to be a part of. But just at the very least own it...have some compassion. If I ever end up single again, I know that I will never cause this agony to another living soul...I did it once and I'm now paying a very high price. The view from the betrayed spouse's side of the fence looks a lot different when you actually experience it.

 

I hope that one day I can forgive myself for the heartache I caused, but likely not. I was wrong, plain and simple and, frankly, I deserved to pay for my role as the OW. One thing I have learned is that everyone gets hurt in these situations...everyone. I just thank God that our situation didn't involve children.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and give a little background if I'm going to be posting.

 

Welcome Angelina!

 

Please do forgive yourself. As you yourself have said, it wasn't about YOU - even when you were the OW. You didn't MAKE HIM cheat with you; HE did that. And then he continued that cheating, only this time you were the 'victim' of his cheating.

 

One thing I do admire about you - you OWN it. You are not one of those apologetic mistresses who beat their chest and proclaim to the world "I'm a mistress and I am proud of it". You actually realize the damage your behavior caused; you realized the mistakes you made, you HAVE compassion and now, unfortunately, way more 'understanding' than I think you ever would have wanted.

 

You aren't here to proclaim "See look, affairs do work out sometimes - so fight for the man and get him".

 

Instead, you personally now have felt what so many spouses who have been betrayed feel. You have truly looked within yourself and didn't like the behaviors you saw.

 

You are not championing those to have affairs, you aren't cheering on what you did or making excuses for your behavior.

 

You have owned your personal responsibility and that is something you should be very proud of because there are plenty who celebrate the hurt and agony their behavior causes other people.

 

Do not spend your time living in the past. Do not spend your time beating yourself up. You recognized and changed things you weren't happy with within yourself.

 

Good luck and I hope you stick around!

[Flabbergaster]

It wasn't about me or something missing in our marriage, it was about him and something missing within himself.

Hi...MM/WS...

Uh, any chance you could elaborate? Perhaps point out material that he found beneficial? I'd say it's "for a friend" but uh...I'm asking for me.

 

PS thank you for sharing *your* expereiences, it does help others as well as yourself. This is good 'caveat emptor' advice for OW / OM to consider.

[Seeker Sam]

Have you thought of maybe speaking to your H's exW and asking her for forgiveness? Maybe, then you can unload some guilt.

 

I have to say I have some concern about this, as others have expressed. I have a policy of not offering an apology where my behavior has been poor because I believe apologies are never about the other person, but for ourselves - even when an apology is appropriate. When you apologise there is an onus on the recipient to accept it and perhaps forgive - they may choose not too, but even out of social etiquette the pressure is there. However if someone felt wronged by me and confronted me with it, I would certainly offer my apology and accept their anger (assuming I was in agreement with their pov). I guess I just find it more respectful for them to make that move, and more focused on their needs rather than my own. In this case, when the W has no knowledge - well, complete honesty is important to allow a couple to heal after an A, but given that's not going to happen, and she has no knowledge, then it would only seem to be something that would injure rather than help. That's my thoughts, anyway.

[Angelina527]

I have to say I have some concern about this, as others have expressed. I have a policy of not offering an apology where my behavior has been poor because I believe apologies are never about the other person, but for ourselves - even when an apology is appropriate. When you apologise there is an onus on the recipient to accept it and perhaps forgive - they may choose not too, but even out of social etiquette the pressure is there. However if someone felt wronged by me and confronted me with it, I would certainly offer my apology and accept their anger (assuming I was in agreement with their pov). I guess I just find it more respectful for them to make that move, and more focused on their needs rather than my own. In this case, when the W has no knowledge - well, complete honesty is important to allow a couple to heal after an A, but given that's not going to happen, and she has no knowledge, then it would only seem to be something that would injure rather than help. That's my thoughts, anyway.

 

I do agree with you. I am going to have to find a way to forgive myself in some other way, because I would never want to cause her additional pain. And if I don't ever forgive, then I guess that will just be my burden to bear.

[Angelina527]

Hi...MM/WS...

Uh, any chance you could elaborate? Perhaps point out material that he found beneficial? I'd say it's "for a friend" but uh...I'm asking for me.

 

PS thank you for sharing *your* expereiences, it does help others as well as yourself. This is good 'caveat emptor' advice for OW / OM to consider.

 

Sure, I can elaborate, and I would be happy to PM you with links and books, but therapy was his biggest help. What I mean is this: we hear so many times (and I said it myself), "if his wife was taking care of his needs at home, he wouldn't need me." Or, "they obviously have a bad marriage, or he wouldn't be messing around." NOT necessarily true.

 

See, we had a great marriage and an amazing sex life. We rarely argued, we laughed, and communicated. We loved each other very much. His needs, physical and emotional, were very much taken care of...those needs that I knew about, that is.

 

My husband had an issue that he never discussed with me or his ex wife...his perfectionism. He's a handsome, kind, and successful man and has just done well in his life, but he thought he had to be perfect at all times, so he sort of "rebelled". He felt that when he was with the other women or talking to them in the chat rooms, he didn't have to be this perfect man...he didn't have a care in the world for those women, so he felt safe letting them see this side of him. On the other hand, he loved me and didn't want me to see that "naughty" part of him...he also suffered from the "Madonna/Whore" complex.

 

I know that sounds like a very simplistic answer, and there was so much more to it than just that, but that is the basic gist of how he got himself into those messes. It wasn't about me or our relationship, but about his fears.

 

He now sees that he doesn't have to be perfect for me and that I love him and support him no matter what.

 

I hope that clarifies.

Edited May 10, 2011 by Angelina527
spelling

[Angelina527]

Welcome Angelina!

 

Please do forgive yourself. As you yourself have said, it wasn't about YOU - even when you were the OW. You didn't MAKE HIM cheat with you; HE did that. And then he continued that cheating, only this time you were the 'victim' of his cheating.

 

One thing I do admire about you - you OWN it. You are not one of those apologetic mistresses who beat their chest and proclaim to the world "I'm a mistress and I am proud of it". You actually realize the damage your behavior caused; you realized the mistakes you made, you HAVE compassion and now, unfortunately, way more 'understanding' than I think you ever would have wanted.

 

You aren't here to proclaim "See look, affairs do work out sometimes - so fight for the man and get him". No way! I think affairs are the absolute worst way to begin a relationship...it causes so many problems. Sure, we are happy now, but the price has been too high.

 

Instead, you personally now have felt what so many spouses who have been betrayed feel. You have truly looked within yourself and didn't like the behaviors you saw. No, I hate what I did and would change everything if I could.

 

You are not championing those to have affairs, you aren't cheering on what you did or making excuses for your behavior.

 

You have owned your personal responsibility and that is something you should be very proud of because there are plenty who celebrate the hurt and agony their behavior causes other people. I don't understand those who don't have an ounce of compassion or regret, or those who feel they did nothing wrong. And to keep hiding from the truth just prolongs the healing, so I find it's better to just admit and reflect when I'm wrong. I want to be a better person, and never admitting to my wrongdoings won't help me achieve that.

Do not spend your time living in the past. Do not spend your time beating yourself up. You recognized and changed things you weren't happy with within yourself.

 

Good luck and I hope you stick around!

 

Thank you for your kind words, and I do plan to stick around. I still have a lot to learn.