jzaz Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Theres this woman I like, she said that she was in a relationship with a MM for a couple years. Are they more incliined to be unfaithful if in a relationship. Other than that she is a wonderful person. What is the mind set of an OW. is it the thrill of getting someone whos married or is it more they are led to believe the MM is the one. Any insight would be appreaciated.
26pointblue Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I never cheated on my xMM & wouldn't cheat on anyone I love. If I'm in I'm all in. My heart, soul & body. [There was a time when we were half together, half not & I told him I was going to go on with my life & date others since he was staying married & being intimate w/ his wife, etc. I don't consider that cheating since I told him, & he said he was okay with it, although it drove both of us crazy. I was really bad at dating other guys during that period because my heart was with MM, & he was bad at accepting it.] Anyway, no, I don't necessarily think there's a correlation between being an OW & cheating. To me being an OW was about love. I loved my xMM, we had an amazing chemistry & connection & I would have done anything for him & could never purposefully hurt him by cheating on him or doing anything like that. I just wanted him to be happy, to care for him & not hurt him. Unfortunately I guess he didn't feel the same way about me. :-(
BB07 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Theres this woman I like, she said that she was in a relationship with a MM for a couple years. Are they more incliined to be unfaithful if in a relationship. Other than that she is a wonderful person. What is the mind set of an OW. is it the thrill of getting someone whos married or is it more they are led to believe the MM is the one. Any insight would be appreaciated. It depends.....on where she is now about the prior relationship. Did she address the issues that led her into that choice?
Author jzaz Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 It depends.....on where she is now about the prior relationship. Did she address the issues that led her into that choice? She did clean up her life alot. For a while she was a complete trainwreck. She also said that the choice to be in this relationship it the one that shes most ashamed of. To this day she kind of beats herself up over it.
BB07 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 She did clean up her life alot. For a while she was a complete trainwreck. She also said that the choice to be in this relationship it the one that shes most ashamed of. To this day she kind of beats herself up over it. Do you know if there is a history of abuse in her family, sexual or other? I think you should take it slow and get to know her and always be cautious about making sure that her actions line up with her words. Obviously since I'm a xow myself, I have empathy for her and I'm on my own journey of healing myself. I already know 100% that I would never get myself involved into another relationship with someone who is committed to someone else but I need to address the underlying reasons why I went there and also address the issues that are the nasty left overs.
26pointblue Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 She did clean up her life alot. For a while she was a complete trainwreck. She also said that the choice to be in this relationship it the one that shes most ashamed of. To this day she kind of beats herself up over it. She sounds like she is being honest with, has learned from her prior bad choices and is wanting a happy/healthy life.
Author jzaz Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Do you know if there is a history of abuse in her family, sexual or other? There were both sexual and physical abuse from when she was a little girl. She even said that she always chose terrible men to go with, said she was looking for a father figure.
BB07 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 There were both sexual and physical abuse from when she was a little girl. She even said that she always chose terrible men to go with, said she was looking for a father figure. Then like myself she probably needs to address these issues with a professional in order to be healthy and whole. Speaking from a personal viewpoint, I hope to meet a man someday who can look past my own issues and my baggage. I realize that it will require some understanding and some patience to understand me but if I have addressed these things then hopefully I will get the benefit of the doubt. Are you a good enough man to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt.......assuming she has addressed the things she needs to?
2sure Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I was an OW for years (several different MM) before I remarried. When I married I was personally concerned and had to ask myself the same question you are asking of your former OW...can I be faithful, can I respect committment? I think that my experience as OW and perspective on MM made me know , for sure, that being a cheater was not something I would bring into my own marriage. And I didnt. My H did, so call it Karma, whatever...I divorced him but to this day I know that I am/ was a rock solid committed and loyal partner.
Author jzaz Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Then like myself she probably needs to address these issues with a professional in order to be healthy and whole. Speaking from a personal viewpoint, I hope to meet a man someday who can look past my own issues and my baggage. I realize that it will require some understanding and some patience to understand me but if I have addressed these things then hopefully I will get the benefit of the doubt. Are you a good enough man to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt.......assuming she has addressed the things she needs to? Im just a little concerned with the cheating aspect, we all have baggage. Im not one to dig up the past. I dont have a problem with it. In fact after seeing what she has done with her life i can be nothing but proud of her. I know I have some things that im not proud of either. I wouldnt want anyone to throw those things in my face either. Right now we're just friends but I hope it progresses into something more.
siuys Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Im just a little concerned with the cheating aspect, we all have baggage. Im not one to dig up the past. I dont have a problem with it. In fact after seeing what she has done with her life i can be nothing but proud of her. I know I have some things that im not proud of either. I wouldnt want anyone to throw those things in my face either. Right now we're just friends but I hope it progresses into something more. I think if she has learnt her lesson, and is well and truly over the MM, then there is a good chance that she may never cheat again. She was honest enough to tell you about her involvement with MM.
spice4life Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 (edited) Im just a little concerned with the cheating aspect, we all have baggage. Im not one to dig up the past. I dont have a problem with it. In fact after seeing what she has done with her life i can be nothing but proud of her. I know I have some things that im not proud of either. I wouldnt want anyone to throw those things in my face either. Right now we're just friends but I hope it progresses into something more. I can honestly say that the affair forced me to look at who I was as a person and what it is that I really want,....aaand, cheating is not in the equation. Not by far. The affair taught me that all I really want is a healthy normal relationship with a person who is a good match for me. I was never a cheater to begin with and it was extremely difficult for me to be part of a relationship where the other person was committed. One of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. Knowing that, meaning understanding what it feels like, I never want to be a part of any type of love triangle ever again. If I even get a hint that a person I am involved is confused and has emotions for someone else, I will be gone faster than they can blink....with no questions answered...period. I will not put myself or another person through that...it is simply not fair to anyone. If a person is unhappy in a relationship, no matter what the circumstances are, be a man (or woman) and stand up and do the right thing. So my answer, for me personally, is a big resounding NO, I would not cheat. Thanks for asking...it felt good to get that out! Edited May 6, 2011 by spice4life
fooled once Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Theres this woman I like, she said that she was in a relationship with a MM for a couple years. Are they more incliined to be unfaithful if in a relationship. Other than that she is a wonderful person. What is the mind set of an OW. is it the thrill of getting someone whos married or is it more they are led to believe the MM is the one. Any insight would be appreaciated. I personally don't believe so. I was once involved with a MM. After I ended the affair, I met my H. In the last 13+ years, I have never once even thought of cheating on him. Even through some pretty rough times when I wasn't sure our marriage would survive, cheating never entered my mind. I think it comes down to a persons character and morals. I wasn't married when I was with a MM. He was living on his own when I met him. After a year of living on his own, seeing a divorce lawyer and acting as if he was preparing to divorce, he returned to his wife's home; stating he was only moving back to show her they were done. Pretty much what many MM say. It depends on the person, IMHO; not necessarily the act of being a cheater/mistress/affair partner.
thissecretgirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Anyway, no, I don't necessarily think there's a correlation between being an OW & cheating. To me being an OW was about love. I agree with this. I've had one affair as the OW but I have never been unfaithful to any partner that I have had in the last 26 years.
Anna101 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Erm, every OW is an individual, with no more in common than they have been in a similar (not the same) situation. It's like asking if married people are more likely to do xyz. I was my partner's OW, and he's only the second person I've ever slept with and I only wanted him because I loved him, not for any thrill. There is no pattern, we're all just individuals.
bentnotbroken Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I think there are patterns in life. But a lot of people realize that and work on changing destructive behaviors that repeat patterns. I believe that being an OW is just the manifestation of those issues. I may have similar of the same issue but I manifested that problem in a different way(over spending, over cleaning, over exercising, over sensitive) If the lady in question has done the work to deal with the issue, I see no reason for her behavior to repeat, especially if it wasn't a way of life for her like so many.
thissecretgirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 They may not be more inclined to cheat but they may have some very questionable morals that make it think it is okay to be a mistress. Thats somewhat of a generalisation. Judge much?
kimpppp Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Theres this woman I like, she said that she was in a relationship with a MM for a couple years. Are they more incliined to be unfaithful if in a relationship. Other than that she is a wonderful person. What is the mind set of an OW. is it the thrill of getting someone whos married or is it more they are led to believe the MM is the one. Any insight would be appreaciated. No, after being used, humilated and abused (possibly sexual assaulted) by a married man, having any kind of relationship with another one is last thing on the previous OW mind. Usually, the OW did not intend to be the other woman. That is a huge misconception. When a MM has an interest in you, he will chase after you like no other man has. He will look for your weaknesses and say and do all the right things until he gets what he wants. MM men have to work so much harder than single guys because honestly, no woman wants to be involved with a MM. When they are trying to be Mr. Perfect, it is easy to fall into the trap. Especially if you are lonely. I am sure that the lady in your post regrets her relationship and probably had her heart tore out over it.
Summer Breeze Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I don't see the correlation between being an OP and cheating on someone. I've been an OW and not once in my life have I cheated on anyone either emotionally or physically. I can't see why there would be any conclusion OP are predisposed to cheat.
spice4life Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I don't see the correlation between being an OP and cheating on someone. I've been an OW and not once in my life have I cheated on anyone either emotionally or physically. I can't see why there would be any conclusion OP are predisposed to cheat. I totally agree with this, especially if the OW (or OM) was single when it happened. I don't see a correlation between the two unless the OW/OM purposely goes after married people and even then, it doesn't necessarily mean they would cheat in their own marriage or relationship. It would appear more that they have intimacy or commitment issues instead. I think this question is better suited for MM's and MW's who have chosen to deal with their relationship issues by cheating instead of working to resolve them or if they can't , simply leaving the marriage. I've read stories in other forums where the MM/MW has two or three OW's/OM's. Now that would be a cause for concern!
D-Lish Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Most of the long term OW I know are very devoted. They love the married men they are involved with and wouldn't cheat on them- so I don't think it has a direct correlation to cheating behaviour. I'd be more worried about other things- like why someone would feel they aren't worthy of something better than being someone's second choice.
spice4life Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Most of the long term OW I know are very devoted. They love the married men they are involved with and wouldn't cheat on them- so I don't think it has a direct correlation to cheating behaviour. I'd be more worried about other things- like why someone would feel they aren't worthy of something better than being someone's second choice. Excellent point! The OP should be looking to see if the woman he is interested in is making changes in her life that make her feel worthy. That is the important question...for sure! What is she doing now to show that she loves who she is and feels worthy of something more than playing second fiddle to another woman? If she has worked hard and faced the cold hard truths about why she accepted this role and has made or is making the necessary changes, then she is a lot more worthy than those who can't. Something to consider OP, as you are observing her.
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