Schuster Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I need advice for my female friend. Last year, she casually dated a guy for at most two months. One night they were sharing their fantasies with each other, like often couples do. Well, this dude had a fantasy that really freaked out my friend (to the point of sharing it with me), and now I'm really worried about her safety. Has anyone heard of this before? He's said he's fantasized about changing my friend to the point that nobody would recognize her, even herself--dye & perm her hair, tan her, breast augmentation, even facial reconstruction surgery. He said it wasn't because he doesn't find her attractive (she's very pretty), that it's about a total control of his partner and he's had this fantasy in general for years now. She said she was so shocked she didn't say anything at the time, but a couple days later she broke up. It was not a serious relationship, so she expected it to end without drama. Well, this was a year ago, and since then every month or so he finds a way to contact her. Flowers on her porch (she lived on a third floor apartment), love letters at her door, emails talking about how he wanted a life with her.... They're residents at the same hospital, so they run into each other every so often, but she made it very clear she wasn't interested. She blocked him on email, moved to a new house, and finally sent him an email from a friend's account that basically said if he contacted her in any way she would notify the police. She hasn't heard from him in three months, and thinks the whole thing is finished. This guy seemed like a mild-mannered professional, a bit quirky but harmless, so without the fantasy thing I would've written it off as someone taking a breakup very badly. The thing is (I know this is silly), I watched on Criminal Minds last night a serial killer changing his victim's appearance as a control thing. I know, I know, it's a tv show. But it got me thinking.... How worried should I be for my friend?
stace79 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 That is really disturbing. I think she has done the right thing. Only other question for me is does she need to notify someone at her work about this? I mean, if they are working together? If it were me, I would probably talk to an HR person about it. But it's always a good idea to be vigilant and aware of what's going on around you.
Eeyore79 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I would find that really freaky. If she hasn't heard from him for three months then he's probably backed off and everything will be ok. But if he has any contact with her at work, or harasses her again, she needs to inform her boss and also the police. Incidentally, this is also a great lesson about why you should never date anyone you work with!
djhall Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 As long as she doesn't give ANY reaction to him at all she will probably be okay. I suspect he either hasn't progressed down the controlling path far enough yet or she just didn't stay long enough for him to consider her "his" before she left. He doesn't like her taking control and dumping him, but it looks like he is slowly starting to accept it. Over time he will probably move on, or just throw out token attempts to get control back, as long as she doesn't give him any encouragement that he is able to manipulate her in any way. I personally do not think reporting him, or asking him to stop, or any reaction at all is advisable. Being able to provoke a reaction, even a negative reaction, is still control. You don't want to start an "If I can't make you love me then I can make you hate me" situation here. As long as he gets no reaction at all there is no incentive to continue the behavior. Unfortunately, what will probably get her off the hook here is his interest being diverted onto some other poor woman.
Author Schuster Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Thanks guys. She's trying to move on, but I feel like I should do something. I'll try to stay out of it though. ALB, you sound very bitter toward women. He has the right to whatever twisted thoughts he wants (as do you). I bet you didn't tell your "crush" that you wanted to rape her, right? Seems like that'd be grounds for a restraining order. I think she was well within her right to break up with a guy who wanted to change everything about her, regardless of his reason. It's not a maturity issue, it's not like he told her he wanted a threesome or a night with a celebrity. And as far as actions go, he somehow got flowers on her private porch three floors up (no stairs, not even a fire escape). I'm just glad he doesn't know where she lives any more.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 And guys this should be a lesson to you. Never truly open up to a woman or accept the dire consequences of her trying to destroy everything about you. What a fool. He should have known better. Fantasies are personal and to be kept to oneself. No one has the "maturity" to handle another's fantasies. I had a fantasy of raping a girl who tormented me for years who probably thought she was just being flirtatious. Did I ever actually rape her? No. Did I ever rape another woman? No. Fantasies mean nothing. Actions only matter. This is unless you are opening up the first bureau of the thought police. You are just bitter. I've had a lot of guys tell me their "weird" fetishes. For instance, my current boyfriend likes incest porn and stories and yet I've never once assumed that he wants to have sex with someone in his family. And my ex liked a lot of "weird" things . . . . shemales, different forms of BDSM (like being peed on or kicked in the balls or hooked up to electrical machines that give you painful shock). I didn't freak out about any of it and I've watched porn and read stories involving these different things with them and it didn't bother me at all. And sometimes girls get freaked out for good reason . . . My best friend met a guy this past year who told her that he had a fetish for kidnapping women, keeping them in his basement, and being cruel to them and raping them repeatedly. I told her to stop seeing this guy and she kept talking to him. They had never had sex and one day out in the woods, he pinned her down and raped her while she screamed at the top of her lungs. She wound up in a hospital and had bruises all over her body and things. So yea, stop stereotyping people. This guy might genuinely be a bad person. It's all something that has to be taken on a case by case basis. And not all girls react to men's fantasies the same. I have freaky fantasies of my own, for instance, so it doesn't bother me as much to hear about a lot of men's fantasies. I, honestly, for instance, have a fantasy of a stranger molesting me in an elevator against my will, so I get that not all fantasies that are out there are meant to be made into a reality. Because if some guy really raped me in an elevator, it would scare the living crap out of me probably. It's only hot when it's in my mind.
Stung Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 And guys this should be a lesson to you. Never truly open up to a woman or accept the dire consequences of her trying to destroy everything about you. What a fool. He should have known better. Fantasies are personal and to be kept to oneself. No one has the "maturity" to handle another's fantasies. I had a fantasy of raping a girl who tormented me for years who probably thought she was just being flirtatious. Did I ever actually rape her? No. Did I ever rape another woman? No. Fantasies mean nothing. Actions only matter. This is unless you are opening up the first bureau of the thought police. You actually think that somebody ending a relationship in it's early stages = destroying everything about the other person? That's a bit...alarming, all by itself.
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