Why is she so formal?

May 5, 2011

Hi there.

I'm new to these forums but I have a quick question which I thought I'd post.

I met a girl recently who works at the office beside mine (for a different organization). She is 2 years older than I am (just thought I'd mention that).

She has always been cordial and friendly..really pleasant. I had the courage to finally ask her out for a coffee one day and she said yes. It went fairly well but I think she was really nervous because I did most of the talking but she listened attentively.

A couple of weeks later I asked her if she was interested to go for a foreign film (we both like French arthouse) and for some dinner after. Once again she agreed. This time she was a little more vocal but still very "stiff" and really really formal. She kept thanking me for everything and wanted to pay me back for the tickets, but I told her I had it covered and she was fine. Once again I felt she was really nervous.

She brought a book we spoke about once previously and she said that I might like it. She passed it to me after dinner.

Minutes after I got home, I received a text from her thanking me for tonight and she told me that she enjoyed the night. We also exchanged a couple of short emails the next day which consisted of a few pleasantaries etc... But once again, she maintained her usual formal nature.eg..always wishing me well and "hoping that I had a wonderful day".

I guess I am confused. Does she like me or is she simply being friendly? I would be happy to be friends but I guess I am just wondering if she is interested in knowing me better.

What are you thoughts?

CHeers

May 5, 2011

Stop overthinking about what's on her mind

ask her out

May 5, 2011

I have to ask, what is she supposed to be at work other than professional and formal? She can't show physical affection at work.

I think you're in good shape. When I go out on a date with a guy and I like him I make sure I let him know right away that I had a great time and maintain communication after. Ask her out again.

May 5, 2011

Thanks for the replies.

Well she was formal even when we were outside of work. So it wasn’t only at the workplace. I may be over thinking but I am also confused. I'm not expecting physical intimacy but maybe just a bit more casualness in the way she speaks/in her mannerisms etc.

Well wouldn't I come of too strong if I initiated all the dates? I've already asked her out 2 times. Isn't the ball in her court now to show that she is also interested? Or am I thinking this the wrong way?

I'm sorry I guess I’m just new to this whole dating thing. I've never 'dated' much because I was in 2 long-term relationships previously.

May 5, 2011

I always hear that these formal librarian types are pretty wild in the bedroom.

May 5, 2011

What are her excuses she used when you asked her out those two times?

May 5, 2011

Yea - she may just be a casual chick. I think it's ok for the guy to initiate the first few dates and many girls prefer that the guy make the first move. Let her know that you like her and you'd like to take her out on an official date. Then she'll have no way to pretend that she doesn't know you're interested and you can go from there

May 5, 2011

Yea - she may just be a casual chick. I think it's ok for the guy to initiate the first few dates and many girls prefer that the guy make the first move. Let her know that you like her and you'd like to take her out on an official date. Then she'll have no way to pretend that she doesn't know you're interested and you can go from there

Thanks. Yup well I guess that could be option. Hopefully it won't make things weird between us.

May 5, 2011

Ask her out on another date, and this time, make sure you kiss her!

if that seems like a difficult thing, work you way up with small light, touches. Touch her arm lightly when you make a joke, put your hand on the small of her back as you guys walk through a door, etc. etc. Make her comfortable with the concept of you touching her, and then make it clear you want her by kissing her! If she is interested in anything more than friends, she will kiss you back.

May 6, 2011

Thanks guys.

Well initiating a kiss is kind of "big" step for me. It can either go wonderfully right or horribly wrong if she turns away etc...

Well, I guess I just have to wait and see how things pan out. Just got a text which read "it was lovely seeing you again" but that doesn't really reveal much, infact it sounds like something you would send to a friend, so yes I have to make the first move it seems.

Haha..I find dating really complicated. Maybe it's just me.

May 6, 2011

I don't know. I sent the exact text to my now boyfriend after each of our initial dates and I really liked him.

With my guy friends I don't send them texts after meeting up. I'm not saying she's exactly like me but....sounds similar.

May 6, 2011

I think she's probably shy and uncertain of your interest. I mean, does she know if you are interested in her as a friend and work colleague or as a date? It could be this isn't clear to her so she doesn't know whether some mild flirting would be appropriate or not. It could also be she is inexperienced with guys. She's said she enjoyed your company - and did you say this was an unsolicited, spontaneous text from her? If it was, then I think she likes you and things are good. I don't send texts saying I had a good time if I'm not that interested in the guy. I might respond pleasantly, if he contacts me, but I don't encourage communication.

Also, she sounds very much like me. Until I'm sure a guy really does want me physically, I don't flirt at all. I keep it very straight. It's partly lack of confidence and partly that I don't want to make assumptions and then find I've been really stupid. Also, I was brought up in a puritanical family and I keep my physical side for that special person. Until I know it's mutual, guys don't see that side of me. It doesn't mean I'm not interested or unresponsive - in fact, I'm a very passionate person - just that I need to feel sure of his interest in me.

I'm a bit puzzled as to why you asked her out a fortnight later. Did you meet up in the intervening period? A fortnight is a big gap for dating and she may have thought you weren't interested in her or seeing someone else during that time. If you are interested, then ask to see her more, phone her, text her, keep in contact. I wouldn't recommend overdoing it as that can feel like pressure, but keeping in touch enough that she knows you like her and want to spend time with her is good.

Please let us know how you get on.

Edited May 6, 2011 by spiderowl

May 6, 2011

Thanks vsmini and spiderowl for the responses.

Well it took me a fortnight to ask her out again (for the second meeting) because I went for an overseas work trip. In the period I was away we exchanged a couple of emails.

I would certainly love to talk to her more and I do text her now and again (she replies to all of them) but it seems that she is not used to both texting and speaking on the phone and seems more comfortable via email.

Also I am a little worried of coming off "too strong" which is why I do not text/call often. I did read somewhere on this site that girls tend to be less interested in guys who seem 'needy'? Also I was wondering if the age difference (I am 2 years younger) is a big deal for her? It certainly doesn't bother me.

I'll keep you guys posted!

May 6, 2011

Thanks guys.

Well initiating a kiss is kind of "big" step for me. It can either go wonderfully right or horribly wrong if she turns away etc...

Well, I guess I just have to wait and see how things pan out. Just got a text which read "it was lovely seeing you again" but that doesn't really reveal much, infact it sounds like something you would send to a friend, so yes I have to make the first move it seems.

Haha..I find dating really complicated. Maybe it's just me.

SHE LIKES YOU. KISS HER.

May 6, 2011

I don't agree with other people that you should kiss her. It is way too early.

I kind of recognize myself in this girl. I am also someone who is friendly and polite, to the point of being formal if I don't know you well. I am not formal at all with a boyfriend!

She accepted your invitations and brought you a book. This means that she likes you. This is positive but that is all that it means for the moment. My take is that she wants to get to know you. She wants to know what kind of person you are, she wants to know what you want in life and she wants to know if you are a serious guy (meaning a guy who can stick to one woman). That is the way I approach dating as well; I want to get to know the guy and until I know him, things will be formal and platonic. If it is too formal and too slow for guys that is their problem. I have kissed too many frogs in my life and now I don't kiss before I am pretty sure that the guy is indeed a prince.

I need to feel at ease with someone and that takes time. It can take 6 months. So be it.

Putting a tongue in a man's mouth or having him put his tongue in my mouth, is a pretty intimate thing in my eyes. I don't do this as a "test", I do it when I feel it.

If this girl is anything like me, trying to kiss me on the third date when we hardly know each other will close the door for you. For good.

Every guy who ever tried to kiss me when I felt that our level of knowing each other and comfort was way too limited to do that, never got another date with me. The thing is, when a guy tries to kiss me too fast, I have a feeling that he only does it to "check the meat" AND that he does it with no matter what woman. I want to be more special than that.

The correct order is: do things together, become friends, fall in love, kiss.

May 6, 2011

I don't agree with other people that you should kiss her. It is way too early.

I kind of recognize myself in this girl. I am also someone who is friendly and polite, to the point of being formal if I don't know you well. I am not formal at all with a boyfriend!

She accepted your invitations and brought you a book. This means that she likes you. This is positive but that is all that it means for the moment. My take is that she wants to get to know you. She wants to know what kind of person you are, she wants to know what you want in life and she wants to know if you are a serious guy (meaning a guy who can stick to one woman). That is the way I approach dating as well; I want to get to know the guy and until I know him, things will be formal and platonic. If it is too formal and too slow for guys that is their problem. I have kissed too many frogs in my life and now I don't kiss before I am pretty sure that the guy is indeed a prince.

I need to feel at ease with someone and that takes time. It can take 6 months. So be it.
Putting a tongue in a man's mouth or having him put his tongue in my mouth, is a pretty intimate thing in my eyes. I don't do this as a "test", I do it when I feel it.

If this girl is anything like me, trying to kiss me on the third date when we hardly know each other will close the door for you. For good.

Every guy who ever tried to kiss me when I felt that our level of knowing each other and comfort was way too limited to do that, never got another date with me. The thing is, when a guy tries to kiss me too fast, I have a feeling that he only does it to "check the meat" AND that he does it with no matter what woman. I want to be more special than that.

The correct order is: do things together, become friends, fall in love, kiss.

Thanks PinkInTheLimo. That was a wonderfully written reply and one that I can certainly relate to. To be really honest, I'm not the kind of guy who jumps into kissing a girl. I guess everyone has their own take on this.

I was having dinner with my friends tonight and I sent her a text asking how her day was and that I was eating at a restuarant that I think she might like.

She replied soon after with something like "Hi, nice to hear from you! I'm just having a quiet evening. Do let me know where the restaurant is at. I hope you are having a wonderful evening".

I guess I am overanalysing and should takes things easy. I really do like her and I hope she appreciates my company too for now. I'm more than happy to takes things slow if it makes her happy.

It would be nice if she did iniatiate some of the texts/emails (she has only intiated once) etc,...but I guess everyone is different.

May 6, 2011

She replied soon after with something like "Hi, nice to hear from you! I'm just having a quiet evening. Do let me know where the restaurant is at. I hope you are having a wonderful evening".

Josh, she might be formal but she definitely is warm with you. There is interaction, she reacts in a positive way with you. This girl is definitely not "playing hard to get" as some other girls do. That's something precious.

Enjoy the contact you have with her. Get to know her without an end goal in mind. Go with the flow.

I can tell you one thing: I like to take my time to get to know a guy and I really appreciate it when I guy respects my rhythm. But my feelings for him grow and I want more, I will make it clear in a very unambiguous way. There will be no doubt for him that I want to take it further. Only, it has to be when I feel it.

I can also tell you that I never play mindgames with a guy. If I don't like him, I will tell him straight away. No games.

May 6, 2011

""She replied soon after with something like "Hi, nice to hear from you! I'm just having a quiet evening. Do let me know where the restaurant is at. I hope you are having a wonderful evening"

Okay, the fact that you texted her while you were out isn't necessarily a bad thing (it shows that you are thinking of her), but on the other hand, she's probably sitting at home thinking that if you like her why would you be "suggesting" a restaurant instead of inviting her to go there with you.

So, call & invite her!

If she didn't like you, she wouldn't have gone out on two dates with you...and, yes, she knows they were dates. Chances are she's either a little shy or reserved so if you're interested in her, it seems that it's up to you to do the pursuing at least for now.

Another thing...in your OP, you said that on your first date, you did most of the talking. There's nothing really wrong with that as it gave her a chance to learn a little about you and become comfortable with you , but I would suggest that on your next date to "include her in the conversation". What I mean by that is to ask general questions about her (not too personal) that relate to whatever you are talking about. For example, if you mention your family, ask about hers (do you come from a large family?) or if you mention a hobby or particular interest of yours, don't wait for her to say "me, too"...ask what interests she has. Whatever you do, avoid topics such as religion, politics and prior relationships until you know her MUCH better!

One more thing...toward the end of the date (assuming it is going well), bring up an idea for another date. If she is receptive, suggest a day or ask when would be good for her--just close the deal!

Good luck!

May 6, 2011

Thanks again for the replies guys. I've actually decided not to text/call her in the weekend to give her some space. I will not be expecting (I'll try) a text/email etc from her either...so I won't be dissapointed.

She did mention at the end of the last meeting (2nd meet) that she's going to be free next week and then she will give me a "shout-out". Haha..well I guess we'll see what she meant by that.

To Survivor 12: Yup I texted her in reply to her text and told her we could to the restaurant sometime and wished her good night.

To PinkInTheLimo: Yes, I am definitely not going to rush things. Sometimes I guess my heart works a little faster than my mind. I like what you said about not having an "end-goal"; it is difficult but it is the healthy thing to do I guess.

------------------------

Physical intimacy for me was never the sole priority in any relationship; I am more of an emotionally oriented person. I prefer caring for someone and making sure she is happy rather than simply establishing a sense of physical closeness just for the sake of it.

Even holding hands is a quite a big step for me. So...that would have to wait until we know each other better.

May 6, 2011

Ask her out on another date, and this time, make sure you kiss her!

if that seems like a difficult thing, work you way up with small light, touches. Touch her arm lightly when you make a joke, put your hand on the small of her back as you guys walk through a door, etc. etc. Make her comfortable with the concept of you touching her, and then make it clear you want her by kissing her!

That's the key. Touch her.

May 6, 2011

That's the key. Touch her.

Not necessarily. If a man touches a woman too early, it can come across as brutal and intrusive. As a woman I tell you that it can be a complete turn-off.

Also, if I don't fancy a man, he can touch me as much as he wants, I will not want him.

May 6, 2011

I am FAMOUS for overthinking or trying to think about what she thinks. You will drive yourself mad. Just keep (respectfully) pushing forward. If she doesn't tell you to blow off then you are good. Plain and simple. I've had a first date and I have done almost all the communicating since then. She is a single mom with a very busy job but always responds, called once and is open to more dates. We are having our second date this weekend with our kids (a very casual street festival thing) then it may be a few weeks even though she said she might have some of next week open. Zero expectations = zero disappointment.

You are on the right track!

May 6, 2011

If a man touches a woman too early, it can come across as brutal and intrusive. As a woman I tell you that it can be a complete turn-off.
Also, if I don't fancy a man, he can touch me as much as he wants, I will not want him.

Touch the woman very casually. Monitor her reactions.

If she flinches, she's not into you.

If she stays cools, gradually warm to her. No kissing. Just gentle touching. Hold her hand. Touch her neck. Put your arm around her.

You'll understand what I mean when you get there.

May 6, 2011

Well, if you want to end up looking on as she moves on to a guy who isn't afraid to come after her and knows how to do her, keep exchanging these polite texts and meaningful glances instead of kisses.

It's blunt, but true.

May 6, 2011

Not necessarily. If a man touches a woman too early, it can come across as brutal and intrusive. As a woman I tell you that it can be a complete turn-off.
Also, if I don't fancy a man, he can touch me as much as he wants, I will not want him.

You seem to hold a very extreme position on physical affection though. I don't think I know anyone who would be willing to wait 6 months to kiss someone they were dating.

I'n pretty sure that the majority of women don't think that kissing on a third date is too forward if they are attracted to the person they are on the date with.

Sign In

Why is she so formal?

Recommended Posts

Josh25

nana841121

vsmini

Josh25

Ross MwcFan

Irishlove

vsmini

Josh25

seekandfind

Josh25

vsmini

spiderowl

Josh25

Ruby Slippers

PinkInTheLimo

Josh25

PinkInTheLimo

Survivor12

Josh25

andrew-bkk

PinkInTheLimo

laughliveloveNC

andrew-bkk

Ruby Slippers

chuckles11

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...