Feeling low!

[Gisele]

Im new here, and if anyone could respond at all i would appreciate it so much.

 

I went out with a guy doing my same degree a while back, 6 years older than me. Im 19. At first i found his attention flattering, and after him pursuing me for a while, we started dating for a few months. Slowly and surely, i started to realise i wasn't being treated very well. He would be quite cold, and switched between telling me i was beautiful and pointing out if i looked 'chubby' in a picture. Criticising my lack of experience in life, and refusing to show affection particularly in public, unless it was a sexual advance. Sometimes i was reduced to tears. i think i knew i wasnt content, but he told me i was over-emotional and i believed it.

 

Friends, and even people on the course who i didnt know that well, consistently asked what i was doing with him, that could do better. But he was funny, and charming, and I allowed myself to get attached. Eventually, after a particularly hurtful comment in public, i got the strength to end things. It felt great, like a weight had been lifted from me, even though i knew deep down i still had feelings

 

He kept flirting with me and texting, saying he was shocked that i had ended things, but just a few days later he slept with another girl from our course, and they became official right away. It was devastating for me to watch him with her, treating her well publicly and being very affectionate. Often going out of their way to make-out in front of me and my friends, something others have remarked on. It's been months now.

Sometimes I catch him staring at me, and it confuses me. He sometimes asks about guys he sees me with, and inappropriately, detailed questions about my sex life, but when i question this behaviour he always emphasises that he's just 'being mates' and how he prefers the new girl and i should 'get over him'. Im not being transparent about how i feel, so that makes me feel worse, as if he somehow knows im unhappy. I wondered why i hadnt been deserving of the same treatment she gets. Our mutual friends recognised them as the new couple, and i feel very isolated socially.

 

Since then ive been getting worse and worse, self esteem hitting rock bottom and dreading going to my classes (which i love) due to seeing them there.

 

I feel like i dont have a leg to stand on due to me ending things, and am concerned i only feel like this because his poor treatment of me made me eager to 'prove' myself to him. I feel so desperately unhappy at times. I know id never want to get back with him, so why do i feel this way?

 

Ive experienced a few panic attacks during events where i have to face them and all their friends. I really need help, and No Contact would be the way to go, but i have to see them everyday. I need to know how to get over the feelings of panic and inadequacy

 

Thank you so much for reading, sorry for the length

[Irishlove]

What a jerk he is. You should think of it as he did you a BIG favor! If he was that way with you I'm sure he will start doing those things to her as well.

I know that when I was with my husband and he was a full blown alcoholic, crappy dad and abusive I wanted his love and attention then I had to ask myself "WHY am I trying to get approval from this pond scum?"

It's nothing you did, he is worthless and I'm positive that the bad would out weigh the good. You are in love with what you THOUGHT he could be.

Take care of you. I'd act as if I was the happiest thing in the world. That would shoot his ego down more than anything. He thinks he is something special. HA! You are the something special...keep reminding yourself of that.

[Gisele]

Thank you so much for responding, it really appreciate your kindness

 

I just don't know why i feel so down about it. It got to the stage where id put on a happy face all day, then go home and break down in tears. Day in, day out.

It was all id think about. i wish i could go back and never have it happen.

 

Im terrified about my upcoming exams because i havent been able to focus at all. It's gotten so bad i considered switching universities.

 

I made the terrible, terrible decision to tell him i still had feelings for him a few weeks ago, and got treated to a speech about how insanely happy he is and how he just wants to be friends. It hurt like hell, i felt like id been kicked. I couldnt believe i was stupid enough to give him all the power like that. But he doesnt act like a friend, interrogating me about guys he sees me with and asking who im sleeping with (im not). He asks me detailed sexual questions. Now i feel like i couldnt look any worse: he acted like he pitied me when i admitted it, and now i have to face them with him knowing that.

 

you're exactly right in saying i should act happy, but surely i cant do that now, having been foolish enough to say how i feel?

 

i get a good deal of male attention, but i cant get over the hurt of being replaced so quickly and having been treated like that when he makes an effort with her

[Irishlove]

So then pretend he has been replaced so quickly. Don't beat yourself up with what is already done. Quit talking to him for petes sake. Its none of his business to know about your personal life. Set yourself some boundaries and set them in concrete. Do NOT cross them. You are in control of your own emotions. Always seem busy and don't make anytime for him for small talk. He is a control freak and you are feeding him. He has a girlfriend now he should go and talk to her

[Gisele]

Thank you.

 

I think if i could just go No Contact and erase him completely, this whole thing would be so much less stressful. Valuable lesson not to date within my classes!

 

One last problem: like you said, the main thing i want to do is hold my head high, and act happy, until i truly am inside. I dont want him to ever know that he's gotten to me again.

 

BUT, after i confessed the feelings and embarrassed myself horribly, i said id let him know when im ready to be friends

 

(im stuck in these classes for years, i dont want any animosity to be made known. Of course i dont want someone who treated me so poorly as a friend - i just cant stand the thought of him thinking im too hung up on him to not be)

 

So basically, how do i let him know i dont have feelings anymore? Just so that he wont think he's god's gift for having me wrapped round his finger

 

I know this sounds pathetic but i feel as if saying nothing ever again regarding being friends, would give the impression i havent ever gotten over him

[Gisele]

If anyone at all could help me with that last issue i'd really, really appreciate it. Worried about causing further damage or embarrassment to myself

[Irishlove]

Ok you are not twelve so you do not have to go up to him or write him a letter saying "I'm ready to be friends", just go about your business. Make friends. Live as if he weren't even there. Just forget about it and go on about your business.

[Gisele]

I guess I just hated the idea of my ignoring him being interpreted as 'she's still so hung up on me she can't even face me'

 

I DID admit to him i still have feelings. And no, i shouldn't care about what he thinks or interprets at all, but we're all human, and after the way he treated me when we were together i just can't stand the thought of him believing that.

 

I made a huge mistake by telling him that, because i feel without SOMEHOW making it clear that im over it, he'd be pitying me for a long while yet

 

Im so confused about what to do.

[Popondetta]

You are in love with what you THOUGHT he could be.

QUOTE]

 

Spot on!! (I actually think that is spot on in so many cases when we can't seem to get over someone we've been with)

 

He sounds like a manipulative piece of *****, and unfortunately men/boys like that make us believe that there is something wrong with us.

That's because they have a way of twisting things.

Simply the fact that he makes sure he's kissing the new girl in front of you shows how immature he is and that he is more interested in getting a reaction from you/hurting you than in his new GF.

He's a complete looser and I'm sorry you have to see him in class every day. In a very short time time you will realize what a useless jerk he is. (and I'm normally a person who don't judge people that easily).

 

I promise you that!! (I've experienced something similar a long time ago and was devastated. Suddenly one day however I realized what a COMPLETE looser he was.)

 

Try dating someone new if you have the possibility

[Popondetta]

The best way to show him that you are over him is to not say anything at all about it, BUT always say hi and smile like you have no worry in the world when you see him. Be polite and nonchalant.

You might have to fake it and be an actress every day, but you'll feel so much stronger for just trying to be normal around him.

[Gisele]

Thank you Popondetta, it's great to hear that i won't be feeling like this one day soon, hopefully.

Seeing them everyday is by far the worst part of it, i have no doubt that if that wasn't the case i'd be over it by now, which makes it all the more frustrating

 

Ive even spoken to counsellor due to the sheer plummet it caused in my self-esteem, and she helped me realise that i was blaming myself for the way he treated me because i couldn't make sense of it any other way

 

I felt small and over-emotional during the relationship. I feel small and over-emotional now for still not being over it.

 

I would love to get dating again, but honestly i think it would not be fair on the person i would be with, as i need to deal with these issues myself before im tempted to use other men as distractions

 

Am still in shock at how ridiculous I was for confessing i still liked him. Im trying not to beat myself up over spilt milk, but ive really made things worse for myself.

I need to learn how to protect and care for myself more: that whole confession is a perfect example of me being so neglectful of my remaining self-esteem, all in the daft hope of getting a positive response

[johan]

Is Gisele pronounce Gee-zelah or Jiz-elle?

[Gisele]

The latter, but it's only my middle name