tigressA Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 BF and I, at my insistence, talked about sharing expenses the other day. I said I want to contribute and said we should split everything down the middle or have me foot a few things completely on my own. Based on my own principles and judging from other relationships I've had (though this is the first one I've cohabited to this extent in) and from what people I know have done, I felt it was what would be expected of me and I was more than ready to shoulder it. To my surprise, he completely disagreed. He said there's no point in me contributing to any expense that hasn't increased since I moved in--and the only one that has is groceries. I said, "Well, just leave that to me then." But even then he insisted on splitting it. He said, "It'll be different once this lease ends and we pick out a place together. Now, it just doesn't make sense to me." Again, this was not what I expected. Honestly I feel like a freeloader, though he doesn't see it that way at all. I've always been more independent so this style of living doesn't jive with me spectacularly well. When we first moved in and had to do some shopping, I paid for everything at the register while he was getting a quick haircut. Later he wrote me a check to cover what I had purchased--I tried to refuse it but he wouldn't leave me alone until I took it. So, LSers, I'm not sure what I should do. I know he won't take any of my money apart from our current arrangement. Should I just shut up and go with it? Find another way to contribute? I already do stuff like make dinner (though we alternate) and am the one who keeps the place clean.
Pfiend101 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Wow. It sounds like you're boyfriend is a lucky guy to have a girl that actually wants to pay for some stuff. Good for you. I would leave it alone though. Just try to help here and there. Maybe buy some stuff to make dinner with from time to time.
Cee Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 You have done what you can to try to give him money. And he has refused. I would pay "rent" to a personal savings account every month as a nest egg. And then dip into that money when the two of you move into a new place. He may fight you on it, but with your name on the lease, you are entitled to send the landlord a check. And if something goes wrong in the relationship and you need to move out, you'll have money for first month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit. I think your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong, but he is being short sighted. If he wants you as his partner, responsible financial investing and spending is part of that package. Also, if he wants you to think of "his" place as your place as well, you need to put money into the apartment.
melodymatters Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I agree 100% with the savings account ! In the future it could go towards furniture for the new place, a down payment on a house, a great trip for the two of you ! As long as your intent is to save it for "us" ( unless there's a break up of course) then I would have a clear concsience !
mitchell Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) From a business model, he is correct. He has not really incurred any significant increase in rent expense with you moving in. The only areas where there is an increase like food and utilities could be split if you really wanted. He's getting his payback. He's got you with him right where he wants you. Easy access to his tigress is his greatest reward. Edited May 5, 2011 by mitchell
Confusedalways Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 This is currently happening to a friend of mine. She made up her own 'rent' and deposited it into a savings account for their wedding. They are not yet engaged, but I love the idea of paying out to a savings area. Anyway- I wouldn't push the issue anymore. Cooking and cleaning sound like an excellent trade off
Ruby Slippers Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 You have done what you can to try to give him money. And he has refused. I would pay "rent" to a personal savings account every month as a nest egg. And then dip into that money when the two of you move into a new place. He may fight you on it, but with your name on the lease, you are entitled to send the landlord a check. And if something goes wrong in the relationship and you need to move out, you'll have money for first month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit. I think your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong, but he is being short sighted. If he wants you as his partner, responsible financial investing and spending is part of that package. Also, if he wants you to think of "his" place as your place as well, you need to put money into the apartment. I agree. I also know how you feel. In my second serious relationship, when the guy and I moved in together, he wanted to pay for EVERYTHING -- rent, bills, groceries, etc. But I insisted we split everything 50/50 because I didn't want us to get into any weird arrangement of obligation. In retrospect, I can see that I probably should have just let him pay. But you have to do what feels right for you.
zengirl Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 You have done what you can to try to give him money. And he has refused. I would pay "rent" to a personal savings account every month as a nest egg. And then dip into that money when the two of you move into a new place. He may fight you on it, but with your name on the lease, you are entitled to send the landlord a check. And if something goes wrong in the relationship and you need to move out, you'll have money for first month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit. I think your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong, but he is being short sighted. If he wants you as his partner, responsible financial investing and spending is part of that package. Also, if he wants you to think of "his" place as your place as well, you need to put money into the apartment. I think that's a great idea. I also think him saying it will feel different when you have a together-place is a sign that it's not really about control or anything but him just trying to be awesome. So, I'd just wait for that and maybe save up for some nice stuff for the new place or something for you two to use together.
Author tigressA Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Thanks all. I do think the savings is a good idea so I will put that into action. I told BF about it today and he agrees. Like some have said, it will also serve me well just in case I have to move out. Moving in was supposed to be only temporary but he eagerly confessed to not wanting me to get my own place as he loves having me around. I thought living alone was something you should do in life but I realized I don't need to do that to be deemed a responsible adult, particularly when I know how to handle everything that would be expected of me in that circumstance. I'm also not worried about somehow lessening the likelihood of marriage, as we are likely not going to get married.
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